I'm bored and kind of irritated, so I'm going to just type some random things that come to mind. Sound good?
I’m really frustrated with Olivia right now. I love her, I do. But I really don’t want to hang out with her tomorrow. She wants to go to the mall to find a dress for her recital. And that’s cool, but it’s not really fun to go to the mall when it’s crowded, like it is now, and especially when you don’t have any money. Does it make me a bad sister that I don’t want to hang out with her? I felt the same way today and yesterday with Michael. He wanted to play Halo all Christmas, but I was into my own stuff. Then today I tried to play with him but I just complained the entire time because the game was giving me a headache and I didn’t quite get how to play. I feel like a bitch. But I know that if I do it out of guilt it’s just as bad because I’ll be mopey and complaining the entire time, ruining it for everyone else. I don’t know. I love my family but I just want to be away from them anymore. I don’t like being at home very much. My parents know that I’m miserable living at home. My dad says that shows that they did something right raising me, because I should want to move away, but it breaks my mom’s heart. I don’t know. I’m just really restless not having anything to do or really any place to go.
Annie was telling me this story earlier about why she doesn’t have many friends at LMU, and I could really relate to one part. She said that she could tell that these other people were more friends with her friend than her, because they’d always call her friend and stuff like that. I definitely feel that way anymore with PC people. I always hear about things through Annie, hardly ever do I get texts from people about stuff. Like the club thing the other night, until Annie said something, I knew nothing about it. I know that I could text people and stuff, but I guess I’m still REALLY shy in some respects. I want to break away from that so much, I really do, but it’s just scary, I guess. I don’t know if people really like me or not. Like, I feel like some people just put up with me being there. I don’t always feel wanted at PC things. I hate it, because those people really are my closest friends. It sucks.
I’ve had a headache for the last few days. I thought at first I was just SUPER hung over after the club, but it’s definitely migraine status since it’s been 3 days and it only goes a way for short periods of time. Since my Aunt died from a brain hemorrhage, or something like that relating to a migraine, it worries me. I know that my mom used to get migraines at my age from her birth control, but I wasn’t on birth control when I started getting mine. I think I’ve only been getting them for like, a year, if that. My mom was even hospitalized for a migraine. It really scares me that I’ll either have a hemorrhage or go to the hospital for a headache.
So I made a “January 2010” playlist, even though it’s still December 2009, consisting of some of my favorites and some new stuff that I downloaded from this awesome place… it’s 252 songs long… some I’ve never heard before lol. So I have it on shuffle right now. Heart of Love – John Mayer came on and I definitely started crying even though I went almost the entire day without crying. I more so teared up than cried, but still… ugh. So close.
Probably Tuesday, Annie and I are going to visit Kevin down in San Diego area for the day. Should be fun. I was trying to remember how to get to his house and I remembered once I got off the freeway, but couldn’t remember all the freeways to take there. So I got on goggle maps to check it out, then I did street view to get the approximate address. It was really weird that I could still remember which house was his, not like the address but just the look. It’s really weird to think that this time a few years ago I was just starting to talk to him. It’s really crazy. I just had all these flashbacks to going to his place and stuff and it was just interesting. Kinda weird that I’m going down there again, but it’s kind of to say good bye, since I’m not sure if I’ll see him again before he leaves for Orlando.
I love that some songs of the power to just make everything better. The song I’m listening to at the moment, Midnight Coward – Stars, it’s just one of those songs that I can’t help but be in a good mood when I listen to. I’m too emotional for no good reason right now. Every song I hear is influencing my emotions. I’m trying to listen to all the new ones I have but shuffle keeps going to old favs… like right now it just changed to Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez. Definitely in my top 10 favorites, if not top 3 [since The Funeral – Band of Horses is obviously number 1].
My head is definitely hurting big time. I keep seeing lines EVERYWHERE! What the hell?! I think I'm going "photosensitive" again. That's when light fucks me over. Ugh. I don't want to have to take my medicine. I've been avoiding it at all costs today. I did that yesterday too. I don't have that many left, but I know that if I have a headache, I should take it or something... ugh.
This new song I'm listening to is pretty good... Ugly On The Inside - Owen. Pretty good. Hallucinations - Angels and Airwaves isn't bad either, though I still prefer Blink-182.
Well, I think that’s all for now. I just needed to vent/bitch a bit… I’m better now… Maybe I should read or something since my head isn't taking to the computer too well right now...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
What You've been missing...
I haven't really posted anything on here lately, and I really feel that I should have been instead of posting things on Facebook or Myspace... so I've decided to paste in some of the thing I've written. It's been pretty tough these last few weeks... and just when I think things are finally kind of okay again, something reminds me that it's not. Like last night at Championships. As I'm sitting there for like 4 hours with Courtney in Hospitality, with a lot of the staff from Los Altos, I kept waiting for him to come in. I could picture the entire scene in my head. He'd sit on the other side of Courtney, we'd make small talk, joke about "pre-auditions"... When Ducky would come hug me for a little too long, whispering some joke about him, he'd just shake his head... then when we got scores and see that Cal beat Los Altos [which is reality, btw], Courtney would probably rub it in his face a little, but he'd still gloat about the fact that they beat us in visual... It just didn't feel right for him not to be there. I didn't have my glasses on so I didn't notice it at first, but Courtney noticed right away that Los Altos still had their ribbons on their uniforms. It made me really happy. But, I digress, I should start by posting stuff. I'm obviously going to start with the first thing I wrote, a letter to Zachary. I think I will be writing another one really soon.
Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:11 AM
Dear Zachary
Current mood: numb
Dear Zach,
I don't even know where to begin. When I got the phone call this morning, I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. I just talked to you a few nights ago. You had asked me to help out with the Pacific Crest info booth, and while I said I would in a very nonchalant way, I was really super excited you asked and really looking forward to seeing you and spending time with you. You are [I refuse to use the past tense] one of the best people I have ever met. It was only in the last few months that we had started really acting like friends since we broke up, but it meant the world to me to have you back at least as a friend. To know that you're gone is beyond heartbreaking.
I have so many stories and things I want to say. Like tonight, at the Los Altos football game, I saw the field and the first thing I thought of was the rehearsal before Sneak Preview. Sabre line had to set up the sound system and I refused to plug it in because of a big spider in the thing covering the outlet, so I went to you and asked you to do it and you gave me so much crap for being scared of a bug. I thought about the day we left for tour this year. It was my birthday and you knew I was scared to death of flying and even though you never asked me directly, I over heard you asking other people if I was okay and to tell me to breathe. I keep thinking about about all the times we hung out after rehearsal this year. Like that night at Denny's after an APU rehearsal... I still have that bunny from the claw machine in my car. Annie has promised to take it out on the ageout field this summer. We always joked that it was going to replace you as front field, and since you can't be on that field to ageout, the bunny will be there for you. Or how at Royal Oak, you realized you didn't have my number anymore and when you entered me into your phone again you put me as "Pookie." I still don't know if you did that for real, I'm assuming you didn't, but it still made me laugh and blush a little bit. But one of the most meaningful things I keep replaying in my head, was that night at Pat's. It was like 6am and you were sitting across the room from me, but you text me to say you were sorry for how you acted and for any awkwardness that was between us. I was so surprised you sent that and I still am. I was so lucky to know you and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the fact you're gone.
I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. Like you're just sitting at home waiting to pop out and say "got you!" but I know that's not going to happen. I really haven't cried a lot today. I think it was about a half hour after Stuart called before I really cried. I was at Cal, trying to watch the video of their perform from Thursday, and I would just lose it and have to go outside and cry. After that, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I just couldn't. It wasn't until about 2 hours ago, when Brad called and told me the details of what happened that I cried again. I've been crying almost non-stop since.
I hope and pray that you're in a much better place right now. I miss you so much and I wish I was able to tell you how much you meant to me. I am now, but I wish I had the chance sooner. Earlier tonight Brad tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the last time I talked to you, I made you happy. You seemed so excited to have me help Saturday and that I was actually getting a bunch of people to come help out. At least, that's what Brad keeps pointing out to me. I don't know how much I agree. I made you happy in that you wouldn't be working the booth alone, but still Brad has been trying to get me to see the bright side.
There really is no bright side right now. There will not be one day that I don't think about you. I already thought about you and looked to see if I saw your car in the Mt. SAC parking lot every time I went to school... Now I'm going to look but know I'm not going to see it. You were there for me during the absolute worst time in my life and helped me to see things from a different perspective. Though I didn't take your advice about it, I still kind of wish I did and I'm so thankful you opened up to me and let me know that I was okay. I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but by being with you and you breaking up with me, you taught me how to be a stronger person. You always could explains things to me in a way I never thought about and some of those things are only beginning to make sense to me now. You are such an amazing person.
Seeing all the people that showed up tonight at the football game really made me feel warm inside. So many people got angry at the announcer for mispronouncing your last name and we all had things to say about you. You really are loved by so many people. Everyone has pointed out that for 99% of the people you touched that are still marching, they'll be marching 2010 for you. I think it'll go way beyond that. Because of how you influenced all of us, your memory will live on in people you never even knew. People aren't going to march just 2010 for you, there will be a piece of you marching every year for years and years to come. Your time with us was cut way too short, but you made great use of that time. I feel like anything I say right now has already been said or is a cliche. All I can do is speak from the heart right now and all my heart is screaming is why. Why did you have to go so soon? Why didn't we get to see you reach your full potential? It was clear you still had a lot to offer this world, it seems so unfair that we'll never get to experience it all.
I'm so angry and saddened at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost right now. I miss you, Zach. I miss you so much more than I ever thought I would miss you. I miss your stupid comments, how you would push me for no reason, your stupid faces.... I miss you. This is one of the hardest days of my life and as much as I'm struggling right now, I keep thinking that I should be making the most of my life because at least I'm still here... I really miss you. I love you and care so much about you, I hope that wherever you are now, you know that.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, Zach. I just wish you were part of it for much longer than you were. You will be greatly missed and I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, especially the next week. I love you.
<3 Samantha
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:53 PM
Racing
I know I should be writing my Anchor Assignment paper, but I just have too much on my mind right now & I need to get these things out before I scream.
Why do I not know how to deal with this? I'm not saying I, or anyone for that matter, should be an expert at dealing with grief, but why am I taking this so hard? Zach & I dated for about a month over a year ago. We we friends before that & we were starting to kinda be friends again, but I don't feel like I knew him as well as other people assume I did. I mean, there are plenty of things I talked to Zach about that not everyone knew, but not recently. There were things he told me that he said he didn't tell everyone, but who knows if he was telling me the truth. I know that probably sounds cynical or bitchy, but please just let me be the way I want to be right now.
I keep talking to him, and while sometimes I can hear his side of the conversation, I can't all the time. I wish I could hear his voice. I feel like I'm forgetting so much. Like what he sounds like, the stupid things he'd say... I tried for over an hour to get my old laptop to turn on so I could see if my old AIM chat logs were on there, just so I could read through my old conversations with him and try to remember him better... but the computer never turned on. I feel like it's pretty metaphorical... just like I'll never get to talk to him for real ever again, I'll never get to read those stupid conversations.
Noah called me an attention whore the other day. I was completely devastated when he said that. He said that I was using Zach to get attention. Really?! I'm sorry you're a jerk who doesn't know how many people cared about Zach [because I was certainly not the only one posting things about him online] and think that I'd really have something to gain from any of this. If I'm trying to get anything, it's just comfort. I keep second guessing myself though, like maybe he's right. I keep asking Zach what he thinks but each time I get a different response from him. I see people who I think were much closer to him than I was & they seem okay. Upset, obviously, but okay. I'm such a fucking roller coaster right now. I'm up, I'm down... right now I'm spiraling down.
I haven't cried at all today. Not once. I keep thinking about him and little things and... I just can't cry. My eyes feel so swollen and dry and heavy. I haven't slept much lately & when I do sleep it's the kind of sleep where you wake up feeling like all you did was close your eyes. I have so much school work to do, and it's important stuff. But it doesn't matter. I can't keep my attention to anything but him for more than a few moments. I swear I had to read my prompt for my paper at least 20 times before I wrote a single thing.
& the other reason I feel so selfish, I keep depending on so many other people. I can't deal with things alone. I have had SO many people tell me that before. I really didn't agree until now. Even Zach told me that. When we broke up he said a big part of it was because I couldn't get over things quickly and he didn't know how to deal with that because he did. & even now I can hear him say that I'm dwelling on stuff I shouldn't be. & I know I am.... but it's just so hard. I keep trying to talk to people & I don't know how many have said that they're here if I just need a shoulder or something, and every time I talk to them I just feel like I'm being selfish. Everyone is grieving right now and I need to learn how to do it alone... as horrible as this sounds, there are only a handful of people that I really want to talk to right now, and every time I talk to them, even after they ask me if I'm ok, I feel like I'm intruding, like I'm not letting them grieve because I need help to do it.
Sooo that thing about not crying, scratch that... I just read something on RBG's facebook that Zach's dad wrote & I started tearing up.
Ugh, I'm out of steam... Still so any many emotions, but no energy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:48 AM
Thanksgiving
Current mood: thoughtful
I feel like I should write something about what I'm thankful for, seeing as we're almost to the holiday for giving thanks, but I really don't think I could. I have a million things to do today, including writing at least one of my many papers, but I can't really do that right now. I have been having a very hard time focusing for the last week and a half, which is understandable, I guess. It still doesn't seem real, I still have moments where I'll randomly start to cry because something reminds me of him or what happened. I still don't want to accept it. Thanksgiving will mark one week from the Memorial... That was one of the hardest days of my life and even after that day I don't want to believe any of this. As much as Zach and I weren't extremely close anymore, I still cared so much about him and we were still close in some ways. I keep beating myself up for taking so long to stop being awkward around him and moving past that to being friends. I wish we could have been friends longer... And tomorrow is Thanksgiving... I keep thinking about how much it will hurt his family to not have him there. I never got to meet any of his family, and I still wish I did, but I'm sure that their holidays will never be the same without him. None of us will ever be the same without him. I'm actually dreading tomorrow for that reason. I know that I will have my family all around me, but how can I be happy when I know that his won't have him? I know I should be thankful for the things I have and for having the chance to have had Zach in my life, but I don't know, I guess I'm not really looking on the upside right now.
My emotions, thoughts... everything has been up in the air lately. I don't know which way is up and which is down. For the last few months I've become friends with someone, and we've become really close. I talk to them almost every day and they are one of the few people who can actually make me happy right now. Obviously, everything that has happened since November 13, 2009 has brought us, as well as everyone in Pacific Crest, closer together. This scares me. I feel like a little girl writing this, because it's been so long since I've felt this way, but I'm starting to really like this guy. The last person I officially dated was Zach and we broke up over a year ago... I know a couple people, probably even Zach himself, would argue that I've basically been with Noah ever since, but I don't agree with that. So basically, the last time I felt this way, it was for Zach. I guess it makes me weird, but I like saying that Zach was my last boyfriend and my last crush... and even though I'm starting to feel the way I do for this guy, I don't want to let go of those things... if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm scared I'm feeling the way I do as a way to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling. I really don't want that either because I don't want to hurt anyone. So I'm a little lost. I keep talking to Zach and asking him for some advice, but obviously it's a little hard for me to hear his answer... which is too bad because he really was great at advice... I needed to write something because whenever I have a hard time with something, writing helps. I've been talking to Annie a lot, and Zach, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. I've barely even talked to the guy about it, and when I have it's been very vague or coated in sarcasm. I feel like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, especially since I don't know how they feel about me. I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, since I'm pretty sure that played a part in the failure of a lot of my relationships... probably most of all with Zach. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. I wish that I could just get away and sit with someone and talk... but one of the people I want to sit and talk with I can only talk to in my thoughts, another one lives too far away and the other one I'm scared to talk to...
I guess I should either get ready for class or do something productive. If you actually read this, thank you. If I'm thankful for anything this Thanksgiving, it's my amazing friends.
Saturday, November 28, 2009 2:41 AM
The Heart of Life
Current mood:emotional
Tonight was a good night. I went with Mark into the Valley to see Annie's football game. It felt good to see PC people... There were a few times I wanted to start crying while driving with Mark, but I kept it together. That was the first time since November 13th that I've been able to drive the 60 East without balling, but the drive home was a little different. Along the 1ish hour drive, Mark & I did a lot of talking, which was lots of fun... & naturally the conversation turned to Zach more than once. As we were talking about him, & I came EXTREMELY close to losing it, the song "The Heart of Life" came on. I've heard this song a few times before, but right now... idk, it just felt like the perfect song for the moment. Now, I can't stop listening to it... or crying.
I think my mom put it best a few days after everything happened... this is my first real experience with loss. I still don't know how this whole grieving process works. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. When I feel like I should be "okay," I'm completely depressed, usually crying or trying really hard not to... or when I actually do feel okay, I feel like I should be sad. It's been 2 weeks... correction, just over 2 weeks, & I still really don't believe any of it. Is that normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly talking to/arguing with Zach in my head. I'm usually a quiet person but lately if I'm quiet, I'm talking to him. The other day for Thanksgiving I actually had to ask my mom to tell the rest of my family not to ask me if I was "okay" or "what happened" because I couldn't take it. Guess what? They still did. It was innocent but it was too hard to deal with. I love my family, but I haven't been able to talk to them about any of this. My mom is a little heartbroken that I won't talk to her about it, but I just can't. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about Zach, are people who knew him. My parents met him, like, twice. They didn't know him, they don't know how amazing he was or how important he was to me. Hell, I didn't realize how important he still was to me until...
So right now, I'm listening to "The Heart of Life" on repeat, sitting alone in my livingroom, crying. Awesome, I know. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. It really freaking sucks. I still haven't done much to be productive school-wise... I need to... ugh... I can't focus, my emotions are all over the place. It makes me really grateful that I have someone I can talk to that doesn't think I'm crazy. I have quite a few someone's like that, but I'm really referring to the one person I've been talking to till all hours of the night for the last week... Right now, he's trying to cheer me up by saying I'm controlling the weather, & that my crying is making it rain. It's so stupid, but cute...
Thanksgiving was an interesting day... In that one day he admitted to liking me [& knowing that I liked him even tho I've been too scared to actually say it] & I lost contact with someone who claimed to never leave my life, whether I wanted them to or not. Who would've thought that posting something on Twitter would cause so much drama? & the funny thing is, I'm more scared & upset than ever. I just lost Zach, who I didn't realize I still cared so much about... I'm kind of losing Kevin because he's moving to the other side of the country & he already lives too far away just being in San Diego... I lost Noah a long, long time ago & even tho he has continued to tell me he loves me, even tho I won't say it back, I never knew he still cared that much to be so upset & stop talking to me over something as silly as me liking another guy. He always made it very clear that we wouldn't have a long distance relationship & I told myself I wouldn't wait for him, because who am I kidding? That boy uses me as his California hook up. I hate it, & it's my own fault. I want someone to care about me so much, I actually listen to him... But I just stopped believing him after he claimed I was using Zach's death to get attention & it never occurred to me that I actually meant anything to him.... & then there's this guy I'm texting [which most people who'll read thing know who it is]. I keep apologizing for being crazy or coming off too strong, but the guy doesn't seem to be scared away... yet anyway. I mean, from what my sources have told me, this guy doens't like taking people back to his home town, yet a few days ago he was telling me he already planned to take me there. I guess that kind of says something... he also said that even though he likes me & I like him, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with the situation [that sounds so 6th grade, it's not even funny]... so this is why I'm scared. Ugh, boys are confusing. Can't live with them & obviously I can't live without them...
I've been sitting here for probably an hour writing this... I'm still listening to the song & the crying has become on&off instead of continuous. He's still texting me, trying to make me feel better, it's not really working but it does help. I really really wish Zach was here right now. [I've told people this story a lot lately, but I don't care] Just before we left for tour, I was really upset over something Noah did or said, & I just could not stop crying... I just sat down in a ball, my head on my knees, & cried [I know, I cry A LOT]. He sat down next to me & asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say... I've noticed that if there is anything all my exes have in common, other than dating me, they all hate Noah. So I didn't want to say anything. Especially because I thought Zach would tease me for liking Noah again. So I shrugged. I thought that was that, he'd get up & leave me alone. Not Zach. He made himself comfortable & said "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." & I'm going to be completely honest, I kinda smiled when he said that. I hadn't spent much time with him alone since we started being "friends" again, so I was happy. So I just cried. He stayed there. At some point I told him that he didn't have to stay there & asked "don't you have drum major stuff to do?", which he said he knew but he wanted to & that "that's what Mark's for." He started trying to push me over, to get me to crack a smile. I think he tried to tickle me too. I finally did but I still didn't say anything. & It was like, Zach already knew. He said that Noah wasn't worth it, or something like that. & eventually I got up... I still don't remember if I said "thank you" to him or not. If I didn't, Thank you Zachary. Thank you so much.
It's 3:48... if you go by the time in the news reports, Zach has been gone for 2 weeks, 24 hours and 10 minutes. It doesn't seem real... I need to stop with this crying, it's late & I have so much to do when I wake up... good night. I love & appreciate you, please know that. I'm making sure all the important people know that, because I didn't get the chance to tell Zach that...
Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:11 AM
Dear Zachary
Current mood: numb
Dear Zach,
I don't even know where to begin. When I got the phone call this morning, I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. I just talked to you a few nights ago. You had asked me to help out with the Pacific Crest info booth, and while I said I would in a very nonchalant way, I was really super excited you asked and really looking forward to seeing you and spending time with you. You are [I refuse to use the past tense] one of the best people I have ever met. It was only in the last few months that we had started really acting like friends since we broke up, but it meant the world to me to have you back at least as a friend. To know that you're gone is beyond heartbreaking.
I have so many stories and things I want to say. Like tonight, at the Los Altos football game, I saw the field and the first thing I thought of was the rehearsal before Sneak Preview. Sabre line had to set up the sound system and I refused to plug it in because of a big spider in the thing covering the outlet, so I went to you and asked you to do it and you gave me so much crap for being scared of a bug. I thought about the day we left for tour this year. It was my birthday and you knew I was scared to death of flying and even though you never asked me directly, I over heard you asking other people if I was okay and to tell me to breathe. I keep thinking about about all the times we hung out after rehearsal this year. Like that night at Denny's after an APU rehearsal... I still have that bunny from the claw machine in my car. Annie has promised to take it out on the ageout field this summer. We always joked that it was going to replace you as front field, and since you can't be on that field to ageout, the bunny will be there for you. Or how at Royal Oak, you realized you didn't have my number anymore and when you entered me into your phone again you put me as "Pookie." I still don't know if you did that for real, I'm assuming you didn't, but it still made me laugh and blush a little bit. But one of the most meaningful things I keep replaying in my head, was that night at Pat's. It was like 6am and you were sitting across the room from me, but you text me to say you were sorry for how you acted and for any awkwardness that was between us. I was so surprised you sent that and I still am. I was so lucky to know you and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the fact you're gone.
I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. Like you're just sitting at home waiting to pop out and say "got you!" but I know that's not going to happen. I really haven't cried a lot today. I think it was about a half hour after Stuart called before I really cried. I was at Cal, trying to watch the video of their perform from Thursday, and I would just lose it and have to go outside and cry. After that, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I just couldn't. It wasn't until about 2 hours ago, when Brad called and told me the details of what happened that I cried again. I've been crying almost non-stop since.
I hope and pray that you're in a much better place right now. I miss you so much and I wish I was able to tell you how much you meant to me. I am now, but I wish I had the chance sooner. Earlier tonight Brad tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the last time I talked to you, I made you happy. You seemed so excited to have me help Saturday and that I was actually getting a bunch of people to come help out. At least, that's what Brad keeps pointing out to me. I don't know how much I agree. I made you happy in that you wouldn't be working the booth alone, but still Brad has been trying to get me to see the bright side.
There really is no bright side right now. There will not be one day that I don't think about you. I already thought about you and looked to see if I saw your car in the Mt. SAC parking lot every time I went to school... Now I'm going to look but know I'm not going to see it. You were there for me during the absolute worst time in my life and helped me to see things from a different perspective. Though I didn't take your advice about it, I still kind of wish I did and I'm so thankful you opened up to me and let me know that I was okay. I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but by being with you and you breaking up with me, you taught me how to be a stronger person. You always could explains things to me in a way I never thought about and some of those things are only beginning to make sense to me now. You are such an amazing person.
Seeing all the people that showed up tonight at the football game really made me feel warm inside. So many people got angry at the announcer for mispronouncing your last name and we all had things to say about you. You really are loved by so many people. Everyone has pointed out that for 99% of the people you touched that are still marching, they'll be marching 2010 for you. I think it'll go way beyond that. Because of how you influenced all of us, your memory will live on in people you never even knew. People aren't going to march just 2010 for you, there will be a piece of you marching every year for years and years to come. Your time with us was cut way too short, but you made great use of that time. I feel like anything I say right now has already been said or is a cliche. All I can do is speak from the heart right now and all my heart is screaming is why. Why did you have to go so soon? Why didn't we get to see you reach your full potential? It was clear you still had a lot to offer this world, it seems so unfair that we'll never get to experience it all.
I'm so angry and saddened at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost right now. I miss you, Zach. I miss you so much more than I ever thought I would miss you. I miss your stupid comments, how you would push me for no reason, your stupid faces.... I miss you. This is one of the hardest days of my life and as much as I'm struggling right now, I keep thinking that I should be making the most of my life because at least I'm still here... I really miss you. I love you and care so much about you, I hope that wherever you are now, you know that.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, Zach. I just wish you were part of it for much longer than you were. You will be greatly missed and I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, especially the next week. I love you.
<3 Samantha
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:53 PM
Racing
I know I should be writing my Anchor Assignment paper, but I just have too much on my mind right now & I need to get these things out before I scream.
Why do I not know how to deal with this? I'm not saying I, or anyone for that matter, should be an expert at dealing with grief, but why am I taking this so hard? Zach & I dated for about a month over a year ago. We we friends before that & we were starting to kinda be friends again, but I don't feel like I knew him as well as other people assume I did. I mean, there are plenty of things I talked to Zach about that not everyone knew, but not recently. There were things he told me that he said he didn't tell everyone, but who knows if he was telling me the truth. I know that probably sounds cynical or bitchy, but please just let me be the way I want to be right now.
I keep talking to him, and while sometimes I can hear his side of the conversation, I can't all the time. I wish I could hear his voice. I feel like I'm forgetting so much. Like what he sounds like, the stupid things he'd say... I tried for over an hour to get my old laptop to turn on so I could see if my old AIM chat logs were on there, just so I could read through my old conversations with him and try to remember him better... but the computer never turned on. I feel like it's pretty metaphorical... just like I'll never get to talk to him for real ever again, I'll never get to read those stupid conversations.
Noah called me an attention whore the other day. I was completely devastated when he said that. He said that I was using Zach to get attention. Really?! I'm sorry you're a jerk who doesn't know how many people cared about Zach [because I was certainly not the only one posting things about him online] and think that I'd really have something to gain from any of this. If I'm trying to get anything, it's just comfort. I keep second guessing myself though, like maybe he's right. I keep asking Zach what he thinks but each time I get a different response from him. I see people who I think were much closer to him than I was & they seem okay. Upset, obviously, but okay. I'm such a fucking roller coaster right now. I'm up, I'm down... right now I'm spiraling down.
I haven't cried at all today. Not once. I keep thinking about him and little things and... I just can't cry. My eyes feel so swollen and dry and heavy. I haven't slept much lately & when I do sleep it's the kind of sleep where you wake up feeling like all you did was close your eyes. I have so much school work to do, and it's important stuff. But it doesn't matter. I can't keep my attention to anything but him for more than a few moments. I swear I had to read my prompt for my paper at least 20 times before I wrote a single thing.
& the other reason I feel so selfish, I keep depending on so many other people. I can't deal with things alone. I have had SO many people tell me that before. I really didn't agree until now. Even Zach told me that. When we broke up he said a big part of it was because I couldn't get over things quickly and he didn't know how to deal with that because he did. & even now I can hear him say that I'm dwelling on stuff I shouldn't be. & I know I am.... but it's just so hard. I keep trying to talk to people & I don't know how many have said that they're here if I just need a shoulder or something, and every time I talk to them I just feel like I'm being selfish. Everyone is grieving right now and I need to learn how to do it alone... as horrible as this sounds, there are only a handful of people that I really want to talk to right now, and every time I talk to them, even after they ask me if I'm ok, I feel like I'm intruding, like I'm not letting them grieve because I need help to do it.
Sooo that thing about not crying, scratch that... I just read something on RBG's facebook that Zach's dad wrote & I started tearing up.
Ugh, I'm out of steam... Still so any many emotions, but no energy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:48 AM
Thanksgiving
Current mood: thoughtful
I feel like I should write something about what I'm thankful for, seeing as we're almost to the holiday for giving thanks, but I really don't think I could. I have a million things to do today, including writing at least one of my many papers, but I can't really do that right now. I have been having a very hard time focusing for the last week and a half, which is understandable, I guess. It still doesn't seem real, I still have moments where I'll randomly start to cry because something reminds me of him or what happened. I still don't want to accept it. Thanksgiving will mark one week from the Memorial... That was one of the hardest days of my life and even after that day I don't want to believe any of this. As much as Zach and I weren't extremely close anymore, I still cared so much about him and we were still close in some ways. I keep beating myself up for taking so long to stop being awkward around him and moving past that to being friends. I wish we could have been friends longer... And tomorrow is Thanksgiving... I keep thinking about how much it will hurt his family to not have him there. I never got to meet any of his family, and I still wish I did, but I'm sure that their holidays will never be the same without him. None of us will ever be the same without him. I'm actually dreading tomorrow for that reason. I know that I will have my family all around me, but how can I be happy when I know that his won't have him? I know I should be thankful for the things I have and for having the chance to have had Zach in my life, but I don't know, I guess I'm not really looking on the upside right now.
My emotions, thoughts... everything has been up in the air lately. I don't know which way is up and which is down. For the last few months I've become friends with someone, and we've become really close. I talk to them almost every day and they are one of the few people who can actually make me happy right now. Obviously, everything that has happened since November 13, 2009 has brought us, as well as everyone in Pacific Crest, closer together. This scares me. I feel like a little girl writing this, because it's been so long since I've felt this way, but I'm starting to really like this guy. The last person I officially dated was Zach and we broke up over a year ago... I know a couple people, probably even Zach himself, would argue that I've basically been with Noah ever since, but I don't agree with that. So basically, the last time I felt this way, it was for Zach. I guess it makes me weird, but I like saying that Zach was my last boyfriend and my last crush... and even though I'm starting to feel the way I do for this guy, I don't want to let go of those things... if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm scared I'm feeling the way I do as a way to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling. I really don't want that either because I don't want to hurt anyone. So I'm a little lost. I keep talking to Zach and asking him for some advice, but obviously it's a little hard for me to hear his answer... which is too bad because he really was great at advice... I needed to write something because whenever I have a hard time with something, writing helps. I've been talking to Annie a lot, and Zach, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. I've barely even talked to the guy about it, and when I have it's been very vague or coated in sarcasm. I feel like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, especially since I don't know how they feel about me. I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, since I'm pretty sure that played a part in the failure of a lot of my relationships... probably most of all with Zach. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. I wish that I could just get away and sit with someone and talk... but one of the people I want to sit and talk with I can only talk to in my thoughts, another one lives too far away and the other one I'm scared to talk to...
I guess I should either get ready for class or do something productive. If you actually read this, thank you. If I'm thankful for anything this Thanksgiving, it's my amazing friends.
Saturday, November 28, 2009 2:41 AM
The Heart of Life
Current mood:emotional
Tonight was a good night. I went with Mark into the Valley to see Annie's football game. It felt good to see PC people... There were a few times I wanted to start crying while driving with Mark, but I kept it together. That was the first time since November 13th that I've been able to drive the 60 East without balling, but the drive home was a little different. Along the 1ish hour drive, Mark & I did a lot of talking, which was lots of fun... & naturally the conversation turned to Zach more than once. As we were talking about him, & I came EXTREMELY close to losing it, the song "The Heart of Life" came on. I've heard this song a few times before, but right now... idk, it just felt like the perfect song for the moment. Now, I can't stop listening to it... or crying.
I think my mom put it best a few days after everything happened... this is my first real experience with loss. I still don't know how this whole grieving process works. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. When I feel like I should be "okay," I'm completely depressed, usually crying or trying really hard not to... or when I actually do feel okay, I feel like I should be sad. It's been 2 weeks... correction, just over 2 weeks, & I still really don't believe any of it. Is that normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly talking to/arguing with Zach in my head. I'm usually a quiet person but lately if I'm quiet, I'm talking to him. The other day for Thanksgiving I actually had to ask my mom to tell the rest of my family not to ask me if I was "okay" or "what happened" because I couldn't take it. Guess what? They still did. It was innocent but it was too hard to deal with. I love my family, but I haven't been able to talk to them about any of this. My mom is a little heartbroken that I won't talk to her about it, but I just can't. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about Zach, are people who knew him. My parents met him, like, twice. They didn't know him, they don't know how amazing he was or how important he was to me. Hell, I didn't realize how important he still was to me until...
So right now, I'm listening to "The Heart of Life" on repeat, sitting alone in my livingroom, crying. Awesome, I know. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. It really freaking sucks. I still haven't done much to be productive school-wise... I need to... ugh... I can't focus, my emotions are all over the place. It makes me really grateful that I have someone I can talk to that doesn't think I'm crazy. I have quite a few someone's like that, but I'm really referring to the one person I've been talking to till all hours of the night for the last week... Right now, he's trying to cheer me up by saying I'm controlling the weather, & that my crying is making it rain. It's so stupid, but cute...
Thanksgiving was an interesting day... In that one day he admitted to liking me [& knowing that I liked him even tho I've been too scared to actually say it] & I lost contact with someone who claimed to never leave my life, whether I wanted them to or not. Who would've thought that posting something on Twitter would cause so much drama? & the funny thing is, I'm more scared & upset than ever. I just lost Zach, who I didn't realize I still cared so much about... I'm kind of losing Kevin because he's moving to the other side of the country & he already lives too far away just being in San Diego... I lost Noah a long, long time ago & even tho he has continued to tell me he loves me, even tho I won't say it back, I never knew he still cared that much to be so upset & stop talking to me over something as silly as me liking another guy. He always made it very clear that we wouldn't have a long distance relationship & I told myself I wouldn't wait for him, because who am I kidding? That boy uses me as his California hook up. I hate it, & it's my own fault. I want someone to care about me so much, I actually listen to him... But I just stopped believing him after he claimed I was using Zach's death to get attention & it never occurred to me that I actually meant anything to him.... & then there's this guy I'm texting [which most people who'll read thing know who it is]. I keep apologizing for being crazy or coming off too strong, but the guy doesn't seem to be scared away... yet anyway. I mean, from what my sources have told me, this guy doens't like taking people back to his home town, yet a few days ago he was telling me he already planned to take me there. I guess that kind of says something... he also said that even though he likes me & I like him, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with the situation [that sounds so 6th grade, it's not even funny]... so this is why I'm scared. Ugh, boys are confusing. Can't live with them & obviously I can't live without them...
I've been sitting here for probably an hour writing this... I'm still listening to the song & the crying has become on&off instead of continuous. He's still texting me, trying to make me feel better, it's not really working but it does help. I really really wish Zach was here right now. [I've told people this story a lot lately, but I don't care] Just before we left for tour, I was really upset over something Noah did or said, & I just could not stop crying... I just sat down in a ball, my head on my knees, & cried [I know, I cry A LOT]. He sat down next to me & asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say... I've noticed that if there is anything all my exes have in common, other than dating me, they all hate Noah. So I didn't want to say anything. Especially because I thought Zach would tease me for liking Noah again. So I shrugged. I thought that was that, he'd get up & leave me alone. Not Zach. He made himself comfortable & said "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." & I'm going to be completely honest, I kinda smiled when he said that. I hadn't spent much time with him alone since we started being "friends" again, so I was happy. So I just cried. He stayed there. At some point I told him that he didn't have to stay there & asked "don't you have drum major stuff to do?", which he said he knew but he wanted to & that "that's what Mark's for." He started trying to push me over, to get me to crack a smile. I think he tried to tickle me too. I finally did but I still didn't say anything. & It was like, Zach already knew. He said that Noah wasn't worth it, or something like that. & eventually I got up... I still don't remember if I said "thank you" to him or not. If I didn't, Thank you Zachary. Thank you so much.
It's 3:48... if you go by the time in the news reports, Zach has been gone for 2 weeks, 24 hours and 10 minutes. It doesn't seem real... I need to stop with this crying, it's late & I have so much to do when I wake up... good night. I love & appreciate you, please know that. I'm making sure all the important people know that, because I didn't get the chance to tell Zach that...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Rain! Gasp! Oh Fall in Southern California…
Today was not the greatest of days.
I had to stay up all night working on a group project and other homework, not getting to sleep until 2am. Then, though I had planned to sleep until 9, I get called by the district to sub, which is doubly upsetting since A) I couldn’t sub because we were meeting today to work on our project and B) I was so freakin’ tired. Since I have a hard time going back to sleep once I’ve been woken up, I just stayed up… did I mention that this was just before 7am? So I drank some coffee [caffeinated beverage #1] and ate the last little bit of Olivia’s pumpkin cake. I was pretty annoyed when AGAIN the Internet decided not to work [like it is currently doing. I am writing this in Word to be cut and pasted later.], and when I finally gave up on it and decided to take a shower, my lovely sister, who had all morning to get into the bathroom, decided that was when she wanted to brush her teeth and do other bathroom things, and she needed to get in there because she had to leave for school in 10 minutes [which was probably 25 by the time she got finished making and eating her breakfast, using the bathroom and leaving].
I finally got my shower, then sat around anxiously not sure of what to do with so much free time in the morning. I finally got the internet to work and found that one of the members of my group was withdrawing from the class. Could you have mentioned that more than 2 hours before we’re supposed to meet to go over everything? Or better yet, don’t withdraw until next week! Ugh, so frustrating… I hate group projects. I left for school, to find that the temperature gage on my car, which has decided to interfere with my speedometer, had pushed itself even farther the wrong way to keep my speedometer at 0 mph. I pulled over, played with the circuits, but nothing was working. I start to drive again, feeling defeated, only to get a call from the Social Studies dept. head at Cal High. So I pulled over, again, so I could call and not worry about driving, since it is the law and all… At least that was a minor win for the day. I should find out by Friday what 3 teachers I will be doing my observation hours with at Cal High. BUT that is technically a fail as well since I’m supposed to be turning my Teacher Verification form on Thursday [just a thing that says the teacher I’ll be observing has their credential in the subject they teach. The school has already said that all of their social studies teachers are credentialed in social studies but if I don’t have a specific teacher yet, they really can’t fill out this form for me].
Got to school early, but parking was crappy… one of the many advantages of having many of my classes at night; I don’t have to deal with parking problems very often. I walked to Starbucks and got some coffee [caffeinated beverage #2], finding the guy in my group, Huyen, was already there. So I sat with him and tried to talk with him about the assignment, to which he immediately telling me how things would be. Um, I’m sorry, I thought that this was a GROUP project and therefore everyone in that group would get to contribute. Turns out that Mr. Leader hadn’t even finished everything he said we should have done for this meeting. We sat there for forever waiting for the other 2 members of our group. After about an hour Huyen got up, acting pretty rude about it, and said he’d be right back. A few minutes later I saw the other girls in the group. We talking about what we wanted to do, I told them about the other girl who was leaving the class and we thought that we had worked everything out we would need to do for Thursday. This took about half an hour… Huyen was not there for any of it. He just didn’t come back. I was sitting there with his laptop and backpack… it was weird. FINALLY he returned and decided that we had LOTS more do to. We went through his little tyrannical preparations, which I was surprised that I stood up to him and didn’t get submissive about everything [mini-win?]. Once everything was said and done I went through some text messages while I was walking back to my car. I had text Noah after hearing from Cal High about observation hours, asking if his dad could pick him up if I couldn’t. He said no, to which I responded that there was a chance that I may not be able to pick him up. I didn’t say how likely a chance. I also decided to text Brad to see if he was at Mt. SAC and wanted to get lunch since I was in the area [oh, and I had gotten an email from my Tuesday prof saying he was sick and class was cancelled, so I didn’t have to sit around for hours like I had expected.]
First I get a frantic phone call from Noah telling me that he was just going to find someone else to pick him up. Of course, as much as I’ve been playing the game, I panicked. I know that he’s only going to be in California for a few days and that he has a lot of people that he wants to see, some more than me apparently since he makes plans with other people before making any time for me, but I digress. I was really looking forward to picking him up from the airport. I miss him much, much more than I like to admit. I wanted to be the first person he saw from home. Plus, as I told Annie, I was going to see if he kept to something he had said. He told me the other night, which I know for a fact he was a little drunk at the time and possibly a little high as well, that he didn’t care who saw he just wanted to kiss me. I wanted to see if he kept to that.
SO, back to the phone call. He tells me he’ll just have someone else pick him up but that I could still get lunch with him if I’m not too busy. I told him that I could still get him, there was just a very small chance that I could start my observation hours on Friday, but it’s a very small chance. He still insisted that he could get someone else. I was already tired and cranky so I just snapped. I told him “whatever, I shouldn’t have said anything. I can pick you up.” I don’t remember if he said something about still looking for someone else or if he asked if I was sure… I kind of hung up after that. So as I attempted to drive in the misty rain, without a speedometer, I sent him 2 texts with a 25-minute gap between them. The fist one said, “If you decide you’d rather have someone else pick you up, let me know soon. I shouldn’t have said anything & I’m still planning on getting you unless you rather me not.” The second text, after I had calmed down some and the fear of losing my only guaranteed chance of seeing him, said, “& for the record I was/am really looking forward to picking you up since it may be the only chance I have to see you. I wanted to be the 1st person from home you saw.” So since he’s such an AWESOME guy [sarcasm], he hasn’t responded to any of these texts. Oh boys…
Went to Cal’s rehearsal since I didn’t have class. Taught the flag line more of the closer. It’s pretty easy work and it’s already semi-clean; yay for cutting & pasting the fight song routine! The rain was an issue, we were constantly moving around. Jen sat the kids down for a heart-to-heart. Hopefully they change their attitudes. I really don’t know why things are so difficult with this freshman/newbie class. Thought I was going to get jumped walking to my car…
But yeah… not the greatest day. I have a lot to do tomorrow but I’d rather get some semblance of sleep tonight and stay up tomorrow night since I can sleep in Thursday. Well, that’s the end of my rant for the night. It’s almost midnight & I’m about to pass out.
Au Revoir
Today was not the greatest of days.
I had to stay up all night working on a group project and other homework, not getting to sleep until 2am. Then, though I had planned to sleep until 9, I get called by the district to sub, which is doubly upsetting since A) I couldn’t sub because we were meeting today to work on our project and B) I was so freakin’ tired. Since I have a hard time going back to sleep once I’ve been woken up, I just stayed up… did I mention that this was just before 7am? So I drank some coffee [caffeinated beverage #1] and ate the last little bit of Olivia’s pumpkin cake. I was pretty annoyed when AGAIN the Internet decided not to work [like it is currently doing. I am writing this in Word to be cut and pasted later.], and when I finally gave up on it and decided to take a shower, my lovely sister, who had all morning to get into the bathroom, decided that was when she wanted to brush her teeth and do other bathroom things, and she needed to get in there because she had to leave for school in 10 minutes [which was probably 25 by the time she got finished making and eating her breakfast, using the bathroom and leaving].
I finally got my shower, then sat around anxiously not sure of what to do with so much free time in the morning. I finally got the internet to work and found that one of the members of my group was withdrawing from the class. Could you have mentioned that more than 2 hours before we’re supposed to meet to go over everything? Or better yet, don’t withdraw until next week! Ugh, so frustrating… I hate group projects. I left for school, to find that the temperature gage on my car, which has decided to interfere with my speedometer, had pushed itself even farther the wrong way to keep my speedometer at 0 mph. I pulled over, played with the circuits, but nothing was working. I start to drive again, feeling defeated, only to get a call from the Social Studies dept. head at Cal High. So I pulled over, again, so I could call and not worry about driving, since it is the law and all… At least that was a minor win for the day. I should find out by Friday what 3 teachers I will be doing my observation hours with at Cal High. BUT that is technically a fail as well since I’m supposed to be turning my Teacher Verification form on Thursday [just a thing that says the teacher I’ll be observing has their credential in the subject they teach. The school has already said that all of their social studies teachers are credentialed in social studies but if I don’t have a specific teacher yet, they really can’t fill out this form for me].
Got to school early, but parking was crappy… one of the many advantages of having many of my classes at night; I don’t have to deal with parking problems very often. I walked to Starbucks and got some coffee [caffeinated beverage #2], finding the guy in my group, Huyen, was already there. So I sat with him and tried to talk with him about the assignment, to which he immediately telling me how things would be. Um, I’m sorry, I thought that this was a GROUP project and therefore everyone in that group would get to contribute. Turns out that Mr. Leader hadn’t even finished everything he said we should have done for this meeting. We sat there for forever waiting for the other 2 members of our group. After about an hour Huyen got up, acting pretty rude about it, and said he’d be right back. A few minutes later I saw the other girls in the group. We talking about what we wanted to do, I told them about the other girl who was leaving the class and we thought that we had worked everything out we would need to do for Thursday. This took about half an hour… Huyen was not there for any of it. He just didn’t come back. I was sitting there with his laptop and backpack… it was weird. FINALLY he returned and decided that we had LOTS more do to. We went through his little tyrannical preparations, which I was surprised that I stood up to him and didn’t get submissive about everything [mini-win?]. Once everything was said and done I went through some text messages while I was walking back to my car. I had text Noah after hearing from Cal High about observation hours, asking if his dad could pick him up if I couldn’t. He said no, to which I responded that there was a chance that I may not be able to pick him up. I didn’t say how likely a chance. I also decided to text Brad to see if he was at Mt. SAC and wanted to get lunch since I was in the area [oh, and I had gotten an email from my Tuesday prof saying he was sick and class was cancelled, so I didn’t have to sit around for hours like I had expected.]
First I get a frantic phone call from Noah telling me that he was just going to find someone else to pick him up. Of course, as much as I’ve been playing the game, I panicked. I know that he’s only going to be in California for a few days and that he has a lot of people that he wants to see, some more than me apparently since he makes plans with other people before making any time for me, but I digress. I was really looking forward to picking him up from the airport. I miss him much, much more than I like to admit. I wanted to be the first person he saw from home. Plus, as I told Annie, I was going to see if he kept to something he had said. He told me the other night, which I know for a fact he was a little drunk at the time and possibly a little high as well, that he didn’t care who saw he just wanted to kiss me. I wanted to see if he kept to that.
SO, back to the phone call. He tells me he’ll just have someone else pick him up but that I could still get lunch with him if I’m not too busy. I told him that I could still get him, there was just a very small chance that I could start my observation hours on Friday, but it’s a very small chance. He still insisted that he could get someone else. I was already tired and cranky so I just snapped. I told him “whatever, I shouldn’t have said anything. I can pick you up.” I don’t remember if he said something about still looking for someone else or if he asked if I was sure… I kind of hung up after that. So as I attempted to drive in the misty rain, without a speedometer, I sent him 2 texts with a 25-minute gap between them. The fist one said, “If you decide you’d rather have someone else pick you up, let me know soon. I shouldn’t have said anything & I’m still planning on getting you unless you rather me not.” The second text, after I had calmed down some and the fear of losing my only guaranteed chance of seeing him, said, “& for the record I was/am really looking forward to picking you up since it may be the only chance I have to see you. I wanted to be the 1st person from home you saw.” So since he’s such an AWESOME guy [sarcasm], he hasn’t responded to any of these texts. Oh boys…
Went to Cal’s rehearsal since I didn’t have class. Taught the flag line more of the closer. It’s pretty easy work and it’s already semi-clean; yay for cutting & pasting the fight song routine! The rain was an issue, we were constantly moving around. Jen sat the kids down for a heart-to-heart. Hopefully they change their attitudes. I really don’t know why things are so difficult with this freshman/newbie class. Thought I was going to get jumped walking to my car…
But yeah… not the greatest day. I have a lot to do tomorrow but I’d rather get some semblance of sleep tonight and stay up tomorrow night since I can sleep in Thursday. Well, that’s the end of my rant for the night. It’s almost midnight & I’m about to pass out.
Au Revoir
Thursday, October 8, 2009
It has been forever since I've written anything & while I would love to write a nice long update, it's late & I don't really have the time or patience for that right now.
Basically I don't know what to do. I love Noah still, whether I'll always openly admit it or not. I don't want to be. I wish with every fiber of my being that I wasn't. I would love nothing more than to just be like, "he's turned into someone completely different, he doesn't even call, he doesn't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' unless prompted or drunk/high, he criticizes me for being upset with his drug use, he doesn't have time for me [not that I have time for him], he expects me to fit to his schedule, he won't say 'I love you' to me if there are others around but gets upset if he knows I do the same. He frequently asks for dirty pictures because 'he misses me' & 'isn't getting any'... he's not worth the ground I walk on. & to top it off he's on the other side of the country & this is the last time he will come home for a year [at least]." I don't want to be some after thought. I don't want to be the girl he just calls because he's crossfaded & driving. I don't want to always be calling him or waiting for his call. I don't want to be that girl. I hate that girl.
So why is it so hard? Typing it out was easy. I could have gone on & on about why I shouldn't love him. But that has no effect on the fact that despite it all I still care about him very, very much. He's still the boy I will always be hung up on. He's still my "first love." The one I call crying when something is wrong, who will [usually] listen & tell me everything will be okay. He's still the one who almost hopped a plane back to California when he found out what happened to me last August, who drove 3 hours to watch me perform this past July. He's still the one who can simply make me smile by seeing his name on caller ID, who I still get butterflies from when they hold my hand. He's still the only one I let call me Sammy [Not Sammy Sue, there's a big difference with me]. But he's also the one who lets me down the most, who I stay on FB for, hoping that I'll catch him & get to at least say "hi." He's still the one I know has so much talent, yet openly admits to being high every time her performs. Who is right now on FB, & even tho I need to be up very soon I'm still hoping for the off chance he'll IM me because I miss him so much, God knows why, but I'm too proud to IM him myself.
Maybe it's just the time of year. Fall is my favorite season but I hate being "alone" during the Fall. It was Oct. 2nd 2004 that Noah & I started dating, Nov. 19, 2001 I got my first boyfriend, Sept. 17, 2003 I started dating Billy... if you can't see the trend, it's like my season of "mourning." Part of the reason I think I was so drawn to History as a major was because I dwell on things. I know I shouldn't & I do my best not to, but I still do it, like other things lol. So, because I dwell so much on the past, I think that subconsciously I always feel sad during my favorite time of the year because I think of what started during the Fall & no longer exists. I have SO much to be happy about, & even the other night I went to sleep smiling simply because I am well on my way to my dream job. Next week I get to start spending time in an actual classroom. By 2011 I should have my prelim credential & able to get a job as a real, full-fledged teacher! This is so exciting. I have a ton to keep my buy between Anchor projects, observation hours, tons of reading, still teaching guard... I realistically have no time for a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, & I'm fine. I didn't spontaneously combust or fall to pieces... then why do I miss him so much? Why do I want to hug him & not let go? I'd love a boyfriend, but it's him I want & I desperately want not to want him.
I think I should finally go to sleep. But I just had to get this out of my system before I screamed.
Bon Soir
Basically I don't know what to do. I love Noah still, whether I'll always openly admit it or not. I don't want to be. I wish with every fiber of my being that I wasn't. I would love nothing more than to just be like, "he's turned into someone completely different, he doesn't even call, he doesn't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' unless prompted or drunk/high, he criticizes me for being upset with his drug use, he doesn't have time for me [not that I have time for him], he expects me to fit to his schedule, he won't say 'I love you' to me if there are others around but gets upset if he knows I do the same. He frequently asks for dirty pictures because 'he misses me' & 'isn't getting any'... he's not worth the ground I walk on. & to top it off he's on the other side of the country & this is the last time he will come home for a year [at least]." I don't want to be some after thought. I don't want to be the girl he just calls because he's crossfaded & driving. I don't want to always be calling him or waiting for his call. I don't want to be that girl. I hate that girl.
So why is it so hard? Typing it out was easy. I could have gone on & on about why I shouldn't love him. But that has no effect on the fact that despite it all I still care about him very, very much. He's still the boy I will always be hung up on. He's still my "first love." The one I call crying when something is wrong, who will [usually] listen & tell me everything will be okay. He's still the one who almost hopped a plane back to California when he found out what happened to me last August, who drove 3 hours to watch me perform this past July. He's still the one who can simply make me smile by seeing his name on caller ID, who I still get butterflies from when they hold my hand. He's still the only one I let call me Sammy [Not Sammy Sue, there's a big difference with me]. But he's also the one who lets me down the most, who I stay on FB for, hoping that I'll catch him & get to at least say "hi." He's still the one I know has so much talent, yet openly admits to being high every time her performs. Who is right now on FB, & even tho I need to be up very soon I'm still hoping for the off chance he'll IM me because I miss him so much, God knows why, but I'm too proud to IM him myself.
Maybe it's just the time of year. Fall is my favorite season but I hate being "alone" during the Fall. It was Oct. 2nd 2004 that Noah & I started dating, Nov. 19, 2001 I got my first boyfriend, Sept. 17, 2003 I started dating Billy... if you can't see the trend, it's like my season of "mourning." Part of the reason I think I was so drawn to History as a major was because I dwell on things. I know I shouldn't & I do my best not to, but I still do it, like other things lol. So, because I dwell so much on the past, I think that subconsciously I always feel sad during my favorite time of the year because I think of what started during the Fall & no longer exists. I have SO much to be happy about, & even the other night I went to sleep smiling simply because I am well on my way to my dream job. Next week I get to start spending time in an actual classroom. By 2011 I should have my prelim credential & able to get a job as a real, full-fledged teacher! This is so exciting. I have a ton to keep my buy between Anchor projects, observation hours, tons of reading, still teaching guard... I realistically have no time for a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, & I'm fine. I didn't spontaneously combust or fall to pieces... then why do I miss him so much? Why do I want to hug him & not let go? I'd love a boyfriend, but it's him I want & I desperately want not to want him.
I think I should finally go to sleep. But I just had to get this out of my system before I screamed.
Bon Soir
Sunday, September 6, 2009
It’s been awhile since I’ve done any late-night musings.
As I sit here reading Rhett Butler’s People, a sequel to Gone With The Wind written a few years ago which re-tells the classic from Rhett’s point of view, I started contemplating my own love life. What else would you expect me to write about? The story goes into how utterly in love Rhett was with Scarlett O’Hara; almost a love-at-first-sight sort of thing. At every turn his mocking words are laced with passionate love for the Irish girl from Georgia. The key is, that if you’ve read GWTW you do not know until the very end, Rhett knows and understands that she will never love him as he loves her, though they are completely perfect for each other. One of my FAVORITE lines, “Some men could love without being loved in return. Rehtt Butler envied them.” So it’s not like he’s some brainless creature mooning after a girl who will never love him; he wants her to love him or he’ll do whatever it takes to not love her. This is why he constantly leaves Scarlett for long periods of time, turning his energy toward blockading, liquor and whores, in hopes that he will one day forget about Katie Scarlett [BTDubb, that’s her real name and I like it a lot... if I get a dog, I’m considering this name lol].
Other characters’ love lives are brought up in this tale as well. We see more into how conflicted Ashley Wilkes was between his adoring Melanie and the charms of Scarlett, who he really just wanted to sleep with quite honestly; he doesn’t realize how much he loved his wife until she dies, so sad. We also find out about Rhett’s little sister Rosemary, who becomes estranged from her husband after scandal and the death of their daughter, only for them to realize how much they need each other right before he is killed in battle. I apologize for how this is slowly turning into a book report, but if you haven’t caught the theme yet, realizing love too late is very prevalent in both books.
Now if I haven’t bored you to death yet, you’re probably wondering how I’m going to warp this to fit into my semi-non-existent love life. I’m not going to sugar coat, aka try to hide who I’m talking about, because quite honestly if you can’t figure it out, then you’re pretty dense. Anyone who is around me for a long enough period of time knows that as many boys as I’ve dated, as many times as I’ve tried to avoid him, no matter what I do or say, I’m pretty head-over-heels for Noah. Much like Scarlett O’Hara, I tried to avoid the fact I care about him as much as I do for quite some time. [Sidenote: in GWTW Scarlett does figure out she loves Rhett well before the end of the story, but she doesn’t let him know until he no longer loves her. Bummer, right?] Obviously, I’m not as successful as Scarlett in fooling myself. Now, you may think that with all this talk of realizing too late and unrequited love that I am not shown the same love in return from my debonaire guitarist in Tennessee. Alas, this is very much not the case. Though we’re not a couple, and I had one hell of a time explaining to those who saw my face light up the day I saw him in Murfreesboro that he wasn’t my boyfriend, we treat each other very amicably. The majority of our calls are bookended with an ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you.’ To say we talk everyday is a bit of a stretch, but every other day is more realistic. He tells me all about Rockasaurus Rex with the excitement of a 5-year old on Christmas morning, and he will listen to me talk about the monotony of life back in Whittier with a smile in his voice. I don’t know who I would be trying to fool if I said I didn’t wish with all my heart to be his girlfriend or see him everyday, but I’ve learned that these things are just not possible for the time being. And to say that I’m not completely jealous of every girl UofM, Rockasaurus groupie, or other female he speaks of would be a total understatement. It is with great deal of effort and faith that I am letting myself trust what he tells me.
I haven’t gotten to my point yet. I’m sorry, I’m a fan of story telling and I tend to get caught up in exposition. The point is, just as Scarlett realized too late that she loved Rhett, he realized after so long that he no longer loved Scarlett. I’m afraid of two scenarios: The first being Noah realizes he does not love be when the time does come for him to return to California, or that I will realize I do not love him before I see him again. Like I said, we’re not a couple in the common understanding. Generally speaking, and I guess I can only speak for myself, I’m not actively looking a boyfriend but I’m not “saving” myself for Noah either. Whatever happens, happens. Such a silly phrase, isn’t it? Of course whatever happens happens... but anyway, the way he talks it sounds as if he’s going about things the same way. I have proposed the dreaded idea of a long distance liaison, but that was quickly stifled. A girl can dream, right? He says he cannot afford the distraction or time for a girlfriend while in school, but I’m told that once he’s finished school and returned to the Golden State, I’m first in line for his heart. [I may have taken some creative liberties there, but that’s the gist of it.] So as I sit here half awake, listening to Arcade Fire while reading about Rhett Butler’s undoubting love for Katie Scarlett, verging on a migraine, I am thinking of these things.
Sidenote: IF we had remained a couple, a few weeks from now would be 5 years. Has anyone broken up with someone and still admitted to loving each other 5 years later? I feel sometimes like my life sounds like a story in itself...
As I sit here reading Rhett Butler’s People, a sequel to Gone With The Wind written a few years ago which re-tells the classic from Rhett’s point of view, I started contemplating my own love life. What else would you expect me to write about? The story goes into how utterly in love Rhett was with Scarlett O’Hara; almost a love-at-first-sight sort of thing. At every turn his mocking words are laced with passionate love for the Irish girl from Georgia. The key is, that if you’ve read GWTW you do not know until the very end, Rhett knows and understands that she will never love him as he loves her, though they are completely perfect for each other. One of my FAVORITE lines, “Some men could love without being loved in return. Rehtt Butler envied them.” So it’s not like he’s some brainless creature mooning after a girl who will never love him; he wants her to love him or he’ll do whatever it takes to not love her. This is why he constantly leaves Scarlett for long periods of time, turning his energy toward blockading, liquor and whores, in hopes that he will one day forget about Katie Scarlett [BTDubb, that’s her real name and I like it a lot... if I get a dog, I’m considering this name lol].
Other characters’ love lives are brought up in this tale as well. We see more into how conflicted Ashley Wilkes was between his adoring Melanie and the charms of Scarlett, who he really just wanted to sleep with quite honestly; he doesn’t realize how much he loved his wife until she dies, so sad. We also find out about Rhett’s little sister Rosemary, who becomes estranged from her husband after scandal and the death of their daughter, only for them to realize how much they need each other right before he is killed in battle. I apologize for how this is slowly turning into a book report, but if you haven’t caught the theme yet, realizing love too late is very prevalent in both books.
Now if I haven’t bored you to death yet, you’re probably wondering how I’m going to warp this to fit into my semi-non-existent love life. I’m not going to sugar coat, aka try to hide who I’m talking about, because quite honestly if you can’t figure it out, then you’re pretty dense. Anyone who is around me for a long enough period of time knows that as many boys as I’ve dated, as many times as I’ve tried to avoid him, no matter what I do or say, I’m pretty head-over-heels for Noah. Much like Scarlett O’Hara, I tried to avoid the fact I care about him as much as I do for quite some time. [Sidenote: in GWTW Scarlett does figure out she loves Rhett well before the end of the story, but she doesn’t let him know until he no longer loves her. Bummer, right?] Obviously, I’m not as successful as Scarlett in fooling myself. Now, you may think that with all this talk of realizing too late and unrequited love that I am not shown the same love in return from my debonaire guitarist in Tennessee. Alas, this is very much not the case. Though we’re not a couple, and I had one hell of a time explaining to those who saw my face light up the day I saw him in Murfreesboro that he wasn’t my boyfriend, we treat each other very amicably. The majority of our calls are bookended with an ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you.’ To say we talk everyday is a bit of a stretch, but every other day is more realistic. He tells me all about Rockasaurus Rex with the excitement of a 5-year old on Christmas morning, and he will listen to me talk about the monotony of life back in Whittier with a smile in his voice. I don’t know who I would be trying to fool if I said I didn’t wish with all my heart to be his girlfriend or see him everyday, but I’ve learned that these things are just not possible for the time being. And to say that I’m not completely jealous of every girl UofM, Rockasaurus groupie, or other female he speaks of would be a total understatement. It is with great deal of effort and faith that I am letting myself trust what he tells me.
I haven’t gotten to my point yet. I’m sorry, I’m a fan of story telling and I tend to get caught up in exposition. The point is, just as Scarlett realized too late that she loved Rhett, he realized after so long that he no longer loved Scarlett. I’m afraid of two scenarios: The first being Noah realizes he does not love be when the time does come for him to return to California, or that I will realize I do not love him before I see him again. Like I said, we’re not a couple in the common understanding. Generally speaking, and I guess I can only speak for myself, I’m not actively looking a boyfriend but I’m not “saving” myself for Noah either. Whatever happens, happens. Such a silly phrase, isn’t it? Of course whatever happens happens... but anyway, the way he talks it sounds as if he’s going about things the same way. I have proposed the dreaded idea of a long distance liaison, but that was quickly stifled. A girl can dream, right? He says he cannot afford the distraction or time for a girlfriend while in school, but I’m told that once he’s finished school and returned to the Golden State, I’m first in line for his heart. [I may have taken some creative liberties there, but that’s the gist of it.] So as I sit here half awake, listening to Arcade Fire while reading about Rhett Butler’s undoubting love for Katie Scarlett, verging on a migraine, I am thinking of these things.
Sidenote: IF we had remained a couple, a few weeks from now would be 5 years. Has anyone broken up with someone and still admitted to loving each other 5 years later? I feel sometimes like my life sounds like a story in itself...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Hello, hello.
Been a while, again. Sorry 'bout that. I've not been the busiest person, but busy enough not to write any blogs. So I have decided to write a little different blog. This is one of those "for me" things. I recently made this "my favorite songs" playlists on iTunes. I'm always saying "that's my favorite song!" when I hear certain songs, so I actually put them all into a play list. Funny thing is, almost every song reminds me of something important... at least, important to me anyway. So I'm going to jot down basically the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the song... And I'm not going to sugar coat anyhting, most of these remind me of break ups haha. Lame, I know.
- Twenty Two Fourteen The Album Leaf
The apartment... I can't explain it more than that.
- Too Far Gone The All-American Rejects
When I dumped Billy. I don't remember exactly why though. That's just what comes to mind when I hear it.
- The Last Song The All-American Rejects
After I get dumped... I listen to this song and it empowers me... reminds me of how much of a dick [insert ex-boyfriend name here] was haha.
- Dance Inside The All-American Rejects
Eating Cup Noodles in my dorm at UCI.
- Passerby Allie Moss
This is a new one. So I guess I can say it makes me thing of now. I'm thinking of doing it for an I&E routine... if I don't chicken out haha.
- I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys
Driving in the rain home from Irvine Winter Quarter 06. I would sing it at the top of my lungs. Lame, I know.
- The Boys of Summer The Ataris
Hey, I can laugh at myself. I totally have my boys of summer ;D lol
- The Funeral Band of Horses
OMG. This HAS to be in my top 5 favs. I think of SO much. Driving Turnbull Canyon at full speed in the pouring rain [I don't wanna talk about it], working at my dad's office making his website... many sleepless nights and early mornings driving to CostPlus... I HAVE to listen to it as loud as I can. Despite the fact it reminds me of not-so-great things, I always get a HUGE smile on my face and sing along at the top of my lungs.
- Blackbird The Beatles
Working at Carter's. This song ALWAYS played, but it wasn't the actual Beatles version.
- Walk of Shame College A Cappella Humor
PC Guard 05! We needed stretch music and Joy and Sharisse started singing this. Hilarious.
- Pathetic Blink-182
First thing I learned to play on guitar. I was 13 at the time, give me a break. I still love the song to this day. Don't Judge.
- Apple Shampoo Blink-182
Favorite Blink song.
- I'm Sorry Blink-182
High school...
- Untitled Blink-182
I listen to this song when I wanna tell an ex off... since I don't think I've ever really done it [correct me if I'm wrong]. Just one of those "I'm in a pissed off mood" songs.
- Carousel Blink-182
Old Favorite Blink song haha.
- 18th Floor Balcony Blue October
Summer 07. Laying on Adam's bed listening to this song over and over.
- Re: Stacks Bon Iver
So many things... most too personal to write.
- First Day of My Life Bright Eyes
This is my optimism song. Everytime I'm either sad and need a reminder that things aren't as crappy as I think or I'm in an EXTREMELY good mood, I listen to this song. Ukulele... how can you not find it optimistic?
- She Loves Everybody Chester French
Another current one. I remember showing Noah while he was home for spring break the music video of a girl kicking the shit out of the band...
- The Scientist Coldplay
A sad song... like most I like. I'm a depressing person apparently? haha.
- Life In Technicolor Coldplay
Driving to the Tonight Show with Noah. :]
- Lovers In Japan / Reign of Love Coldplay
Winter guard... not because someone did a show of it, but because I would listen to it as I drove to the shows.
- Fix You Coldplay
My ALL TIME FAVORITE! It's sad, it's happy... it's everything. It makes me think of MANY things, but the first memory is of driving to work at JC Penney the day after Christmas in 05. I got the CD for Christmas the day before. 2nd best Christmas gift that year... that's when I got my first iPod so that was number 1 haha.
- I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Colin Hay
Garden State! And breaks... I love Colin Hay.
- Overkill (Acoustic Version) Colin Hay
That one Scrubs episode... and my brother. We both love that episode and song.
- Ice Dance Danny Elfman
Just makes me think of Christmas...
- Nature Boy David Bowie
Junior year. For the obvious, that it was in my field show that year, and the not to obvious...
- I Will Follow You Into The Dark Death Cab For Cutie
Laying away in my bed at the apartment
- A Lack Of Color Death Cab For Cutie
Another one in the top 5. Makes me thing of sitting on a dark beach at night [redundant, I know], in the rain crying... ignoring texts from 2 of my closest friends. Jan of 08... That was a VERY bad night for me.
- Disappear Dream Theater
The day Noah broke up with me. I remember it as clear as a bell. I sat on my bed for HOURS, refusing to do ANYTHING, just listening to this song on repeat. I even got out my guitar and tried to learn it just as a means of distracting myself. I can listen to it now and appreciated it for the great song that it is, but it took almost 2 years to get to that point... and to this day I still have a hard time listening to the full song because the memories rush back all too vividly.
- Octavarium Dream Theater
Watching Dream Theater DVDs with Noah in his living room. Let me tell you, watching music DVDs with Noah is an experience in itself haha.
- Under a Glass Moon Dream Theater
The first time I drove the freeway. Noah and I were going to my dorm room one Sunday morning... It's sad but I know where we were on the freeway too... it's also where he got the 341 for his YouTube account name... cuz we were commenting on how random a number it was... fyi, that's the amount you have to pay if you get a ticket for driving in the carpool lane illegally in the OC.
- The Glass Prison Dream Theater
Just one of my favorites of theirs... the Gigantour version, not the Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence one...
- Friday, I'm In Love Dryden Mitchell
Driving home from Irvine my first year.
- Hotel California Eagles
Driving along the Beach.
- Between The Bars Elliott Smith
Being sick on tour. Or, really when I got home.
- Miss Misery Elliott Smith
July - Dec 08... That was just a BAD time.
- The Way Fastball
Noah. I forget why though...
- Every New Day Five Iron Frenzy
Kevin told me to listen to this shortly after we broke up and it really helped me through it. It makes me feel better.
- Everlong ( ACOUSTIC ) Foo Fighters
PROM! I don't know how many times I've told this story, but I ditched my Senior prom to see the Foo Fighters. That's the condensed version. They were playing next door to prom and since prom was pretty damn lame, we decided to leave early. Listened to the end of their set from the parking lot as Noah and I waited for his mom to come get us. I know it's not the slowest song [espeically live] but we danced to Everlong in the parking lot. It made the night for me.
- All Will Be Well The Gabe Dixon Band
Another optimistic/makes me feel good song.
- Ninety Five Get Back Loretta
Driving to San Diego to see Get Back Loretta haha. I was stuck in a TON of traffic and this was one of the only songs of theirs I had on my iPod at the time, so I listened to it a bunch to get myself hyped to see them live.
- Girlface Get Back Loretta
My favorite of theirs. It's just pretty.
- Pretty Sogn Get Back Loretta
Valentine's Day 08. Kevin sent me a message at midnight with the lyrics. Very cute.
- Feel Good Inc. Gorillaz
Driving to Memorial Camp in 05. It was I think my 2nd rehearsal with PC [I actually filled a hole that year] I got a ride with Noah, and his parents. We stopped at the Spectrum on the way to Mission Viejo and got lunch. His dad had just gotten the CD so we listened to it on the way down. I also ended up buying said CD at the Mall of New Hampshire at the end of tour so I had something to listen to on the plane ride home haha. [way before I got an iPod]
- We Intertwined The Hush Sound
Driving along Hacienda Blvd.
- Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
How I really met Noah. Long story short, back before the days of MySpace and Facebook there was Xanga... shortly after my sister broke his heart, I was reading his sad posts, just out of curiosity and feeling sorry for the poor kid... and I may be entirely wrong, but that was the song playing on his Xanga when he started to get over her [at least in writing ;)].
- Goodbye My Lover James Blunt
Another after break up one... which is for self explanatory reasons.
- Casper: Casper's Lullaby James Horner
One of my favorite movies when I was little. I love it. It can sooth me when I'm down or just can't sleep.
- I'm Yours Jason Mraz
Beach days this past summer. Though now it just makes me think of one of our warm ups for PC this year haha.
- Know When to Walk Away Jay Clifford
Just a recent goodie.
- Hallelujah Jeff Buckley
Driving home from a random night trip to the beach with Noah.
- Gotta Be Somebody's Blues Jimmy Eat World
Making very stupid phone calls, that I knew I shouldn't have been making, while driving and emotional on the freeway... bad ideas all around.
- 23 Jimmy Eat World
Halloween 06. Drama! But I spent an enjoyable night with 2 great boys that made up for the crappy parts. :]
- The Middle Jimmy Eat World
My mom! When the song first came out on the radio she'd sing along and have the words completely wrong... then once we corrected her, she just kept singing them wrong because it aggravated Olivia hah.
- Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver
My Dad. :] He loves John Denver and this is one of my favorites.
- Theme (From "Jurassic Park") John Williams
Do I really need to explain? hahah
- Heartbeats José González
This past winter... just a good one.
- Winter Joshua Radin
Another in the Top 5... It reminds me of my first apartment... And the show Scrubs, obviously... But it just makes me feel better about myself [Lyrics say "I should know, who I am right now" but the guy doesn't know who he is... so it makes you feel better about not knowing what you want or who the real you is]
- One of Those Days Joshua Radin
Another self explanatory one.
- Sky Joshua Radin
I just love singing along to this one...
- Sundrenched World Joshua Radin
Tear jerker... just saying...
- What If You Joshua Radin
A tear jerker for personal reasons. Driving to and from Noah's after we'd broken up... sneaking in and out of windows :]
- What Goes Around.../...Comes Around Interlude Justin Timberlake
Karma's a bitch... just saying...
- Strong Enough Kina Grannis
Being sick on tour. Jen Lee let me use her iPod while I was stuck inside and I found this on there. I loved it. Turned out to help A LOT with some things that came shortly after.
- Superman Lazo Bane
If you don't know why, you fail.
- Astair Matt Costa
ShanLav! She told me about Matt Costa
- Monster Meg & Dia
Meeting Jamie from TWLOHA. They played at Fullerton that day.
- Built to Last Mêlée
Seeing Mêlée at the Glasshouse with Melania.
- Broken Heart Motion City Soundtrack
Seeing MCS at HOB with Melania... Plus, when isn't there a good time to listen to MCS? Just saying...
- L-O-V-E Nat King Cole
PC Guard 07. Sung it before almost every show. I still remember singing it at Semis... I was trying not to cry from all the emotions and excitement.
- Right Where It Belongs Nine Inch Nails
Puts things into perspective.
- Graustarkian Noah Hernandez
Yes, I have it on my iPod... Good song... though, I may be bias :P
- "What Happens in Vegas..." Pacific Crest
My favorite show... don't judge... [J.S. this year my trump it.]
- Ave Maria Pacific Crest
Should be obvious.
- I Caught Myself Paramore
- The Way Up: Part Three Pat Metheny Group
Noah's room at night. I still want to fall asleep instinctively when I hear it :]
- Life's a Song Patrick Park
Just saying...
- California Phantom Planet
The OC... not just the show...
- Penelope Pinback
Originally listened to it to impress a boy... ended up loving it. My favorite of theirs.
- Rise From The Ashes Quietdrive
One of my "empowering" post-break up songs.
- Let Me Sign (Bonus Track) Rob Pattinson
Yes, it's from Twilight, don't judge. I just really like it.
- New Slang The Shins
"You gotta listen to this song. It'll change your life, I swear..." :]
- Breathe Me Sia
Rain... I don't know why... just rain...
- The Night Starts Here Stars
A recent fav for many reassons.
- I Was Just Thinking Teitur
Another I got from Jen Lee's iPod while sick... after hearing it once, I knew Zach was going to break up with me. How I knew that, I don't know... but I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong until he proved me right haha.
- Roundabout Yes
Another in the Top 5... driving around getting lost with Noah.
- Start Today Tomorrow Youth Group
Another 08 downer song... Fuck, that was a bad year haha.
- No, It Isn't (+44)
Moping in my Irvine dorm after Noah dumping me, my potential roomies bailing on me & getting in a car accident... Winter Quarter 06 was NOT a good quarter socially... but taking 20 units was a good distraction haha. And I got at least a B in all the classes so there lol.
Definitely only a third of the actual play list, but it's late and they don't all have something interesting to them [as some of these have probably proven]. Like I said, "for me"... plus some of the stories I don't feel need to be shared with the entire world. Well, that's my idea of a blog update... so enjoy...
Been a while, again. Sorry 'bout that. I've not been the busiest person, but busy enough not to write any blogs. So I have decided to write a little different blog. This is one of those "for me" things. I recently made this "my favorite songs" playlists on iTunes. I'm always saying "that's my favorite song!" when I hear certain songs, so I actually put them all into a play list. Funny thing is, almost every song reminds me of something important... at least, important to me anyway. So I'm going to jot down basically the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the song... And I'm not going to sugar coat anyhting, most of these remind me of break ups haha. Lame, I know.
- Twenty Two Fourteen The Album Leaf
The apartment... I can't explain it more than that.
- Too Far Gone The All-American Rejects
When I dumped Billy. I don't remember exactly why though. That's just what comes to mind when I hear it.
- The Last Song The All-American Rejects
After I get dumped... I listen to this song and it empowers me... reminds me of how much of a dick [insert ex-boyfriend name here] was haha.
- Dance Inside The All-American Rejects
Eating Cup Noodles in my dorm at UCI.
- Passerby Allie Moss
This is a new one. So I guess I can say it makes me thing of now. I'm thinking of doing it for an I&E routine... if I don't chicken out haha.
- I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys
Driving in the rain home from Irvine Winter Quarter 06. I would sing it at the top of my lungs. Lame, I know.
- The Boys of Summer The Ataris
Hey, I can laugh at myself. I totally have my boys of summer ;D lol
- The Funeral Band of Horses
OMG. This HAS to be in my top 5 favs. I think of SO much. Driving Turnbull Canyon at full speed in the pouring rain [I don't wanna talk about it], working at my dad's office making his website... many sleepless nights and early mornings driving to CostPlus... I HAVE to listen to it as loud as I can. Despite the fact it reminds me of not-so-great things, I always get a HUGE smile on my face and sing along at the top of my lungs.
- Blackbird The Beatles
Working at Carter's. This song ALWAYS played, but it wasn't the actual Beatles version.
- Walk of Shame College A Cappella Humor
PC Guard 05! We needed stretch music and Joy and Sharisse started singing this. Hilarious.
- Pathetic Blink-182
First thing I learned to play on guitar. I was 13 at the time, give me a break. I still love the song to this day. Don't Judge.
- Apple Shampoo Blink-182
Favorite Blink song.
- I'm Sorry Blink-182
High school...
- Untitled Blink-182
I listen to this song when I wanna tell an ex off... since I don't think I've ever really done it [correct me if I'm wrong]. Just one of those "I'm in a pissed off mood" songs.
- Carousel Blink-182
Old Favorite Blink song haha.
- 18th Floor Balcony Blue October
Summer 07. Laying on Adam's bed listening to this song over and over.
- Re: Stacks Bon Iver
So many things... most too personal to write.
- First Day of My Life Bright Eyes
This is my optimism song. Everytime I'm either sad and need a reminder that things aren't as crappy as I think or I'm in an EXTREMELY good mood, I listen to this song. Ukulele... how can you not find it optimistic?
- She Loves Everybody Chester French
Another current one. I remember showing Noah while he was home for spring break the music video of a girl kicking the shit out of the band...
- The Scientist Coldplay
A sad song... like most I like. I'm a depressing person apparently? haha.
- Life In Technicolor Coldplay
Driving to the Tonight Show with Noah. :]
- Lovers In Japan / Reign of Love Coldplay
Winter guard... not because someone did a show of it, but because I would listen to it as I drove to the shows.
- Fix You Coldplay
My ALL TIME FAVORITE! It's sad, it's happy... it's everything. It makes me think of MANY things, but the first memory is of driving to work at JC Penney the day after Christmas in 05. I got the CD for Christmas the day before. 2nd best Christmas gift that year... that's when I got my first iPod so that was number 1 haha.
- I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Colin Hay
Garden State! And breaks... I love Colin Hay.
- Overkill (Acoustic Version) Colin Hay
That one Scrubs episode... and my brother. We both love that episode and song.
- Ice Dance Danny Elfman
Just makes me think of Christmas...
- Nature Boy David Bowie
Junior year. For the obvious, that it was in my field show that year, and the not to obvious...
- I Will Follow You Into The Dark Death Cab For Cutie
Laying away in my bed at the apartment
- A Lack Of Color Death Cab For Cutie
Another one in the top 5. Makes me thing of sitting on a dark beach at night [redundant, I know], in the rain crying... ignoring texts from 2 of my closest friends. Jan of 08... That was a VERY bad night for me.
- Disappear Dream Theater
The day Noah broke up with me. I remember it as clear as a bell. I sat on my bed for HOURS, refusing to do ANYTHING, just listening to this song on repeat. I even got out my guitar and tried to learn it just as a means of distracting myself. I can listen to it now and appreciated it for the great song that it is, but it took almost 2 years to get to that point... and to this day I still have a hard time listening to the full song because the memories rush back all too vividly.
- Octavarium Dream Theater
Watching Dream Theater DVDs with Noah in his living room. Let me tell you, watching music DVDs with Noah is an experience in itself haha.
- Under a Glass Moon Dream Theater
The first time I drove the freeway. Noah and I were going to my dorm room one Sunday morning... It's sad but I know where we were on the freeway too... it's also where he got the 341 for his YouTube account name... cuz we were commenting on how random a number it was... fyi, that's the amount you have to pay if you get a ticket for driving in the carpool lane illegally in the OC.
- The Glass Prison Dream Theater
Just one of my favorites of theirs... the Gigantour version, not the Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence one...
- Friday, I'm In Love Dryden Mitchell
Driving home from Irvine my first year.
- Hotel California Eagles
Driving along the Beach.
- Between The Bars Elliott Smith
Being sick on tour. Or, really when I got home.
- Miss Misery Elliott Smith
July - Dec 08... That was just a BAD time.
- The Way Fastball
Noah. I forget why though...
- Every New Day Five Iron Frenzy
Kevin told me to listen to this shortly after we broke up and it really helped me through it. It makes me feel better.
- Everlong ( ACOUSTIC ) Foo Fighters
PROM! I don't know how many times I've told this story, but I ditched my Senior prom to see the Foo Fighters. That's the condensed version. They were playing next door to prom and since prom was pretty damn lame, we decided to leave early. Listened to the end of their set from the parking lot as Noah and I waited for his mom to come get us. I know it's not the slowest song [espeically live] but we danced to Everlong in the parking lot. It made the night for me.
- All Will Be Well The Gabe Dixon Band
Another optimistic/makes me feel good song.
- Ninety Five Get Back Loretta
Driving to San Diego to see Get Back Loretta haha. I was stuck in a TON of traffic and this was one of the only songs of theirs I had on my iPod at the time, so I listened to it a bunch to get myself hyped to see them live.
- Girlface Get Back Loretta
My favorite of theirs. It's just pretty.
- Pretty Sogn Get Back Loretta
Valentine's Day 08. Kevin sent me a message at midnight with the lyrics. Very cute.
- Feel Good Inc. Gorillaz
Driving to Memorial Camp in 05. It was I think my 2nd rehearsal with PC [I actually filled a hole that year] I got a ride with Noah, and his parents. We stopped at the Spectrum on the way to Mission Viejo and got lunch. His dad had just gotten the CD so we listened to it on the way down. I also ended up buying said CD at the Mall of New Hampshire at the end of tour so I had something to listen to on the plane ride home haha. [way before I got an iPod]
- We Intertwined The Hush Sound
Driving along Hacienda Blvd.
- Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
How I really met Noah. Long story short, back before the days of MySpace and Facebook there was Xanga... shortly after my sister broke his heart, I was reading his sad posts, just out of curiosity and feeling sorry for the poor kid... and I may be entirely wrong, but that was the song playing on his Xanga when he started to get over her [at least in writing ;)].
- Goodbye My Lover James Blunt
Another after break up one... which is for self explanatory reasons.
- Casper: Casper's Lullaby James Horner
One of my favorite movies when I was little. I love it. It can sooth me when I'm down or just can't sleep.
- I'm Yours Jason Mraz
Beach days this past summer. Though now it just makes me think of one of our warm ups for PC this year haha.
- Know When to Walk Away Jay Clifford
Just a recent goodie.
- Hallelujah Jeff Buckley
Driving home from a random night trip to the beach with Noah.
- Gotta Be Somebody's Blues Jimmy Eat World
Making very stupid phone calls, that I knew I shouldn't have been making, while driving and emotional on the freeway... bad ideas all around.
- 23 Jimmy Eat World
Halloween 06. Drama! But I spent an enjoyable night with 2 great boys that made up for the crappy parts. :]
- The Middle Jimmy Eat World
My mom! When the song first came out on the radio she'd sing along and have the words completely wrong... then once we corrected her, she just kept singing them wrong because it aggravated Olivia hah.
- Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver
My Dad. :] He loves John Denver and this is one of my favorites.
- Theme (From "Jurassic Park") John Williams
Do I really need to explain? hahah
- Heartbeats José González
This past winter... just a good one.
- Winter Joshua Radin
Another in the Top 5... It reminds me of my first apartment... And the show Scrubs, obviously... But it just makes me feel better about myself [Lyrics say "I should know, who I am right now" but the guy doesn't know who he is... so it makes you feel better about not knowing what you want or who the real you is]
- One of Those Days Joshua Radin
Another self explanatory one.
- Sky Joshua Radin
I just love singing along to this one...
- Sundrenched World Joshua Radin
Tear jerker... just saying...
- What If You Joshua Radin
A tear jerker for personal reasons. Driving to and from Noah's after we'd broken up... sneaking in and out of windows :]
- What Goes Around.../...Comes Around Interlude Justin Timberlake
Karma's a bitch... just saying...
- Strong Enough Kina Grannis
Being sick on tour. Jen Lee let me use her iPod while I was stuck inside and I found this on there. I loved it. Turned out to help A LOT with some things that came shortly after.
- Superman Lazo Bane
If you don't know why, you fail.
- Astair Matt Costa
ShanLav! She told me about Matt Costa
- Monster Meg & Dia
Meeting Jamie from TWLOHA. They played at Fullerton that day.
- Built to Last Mêlée
Seeing Mêlée at the Glasshouse with Melania.
- Broken Heart Motion City Soundtrack
Seeing MCS at HOB with Melania... Plus, when isn't there a good time to listen to MCS? Just saying...
- L-O-V-E Nat King Cole
PC Guard 07. Sung it before almost every show. I still remember singing it at Semis... I was trying not to cry from all the emotions and excitement.
- Right Where It Belongs Nine Inch Nails
Puts things into perspective.
- Graustarkian Noah Hernandez
Yes, I have it on my iPod... Good song... though, I may be bias :P
- "What Happens in Vegas..." Pacific Crest
My favorite show... don't judge... [J.S. this year my trump it.]
- Ave Maria Pacific Crest
Should be obvious.
- I Caught Myself Paramore
- The Way Up: Part Three Pat Metheny Group
Noah's room at night. I still want to fall asleep instinctively when I hear it :]
- Life's a Song Patrick Park
Just saying...
- California Phantom Planet
The OC... not just the show...
- Penelope Pinback
Originally listened to it to impress a boy... ended up loving it. My favorite of theirs.
- Rise From The Ashes Quietdrive
One of my "empowering" post-break up songs.
- Let Me Sign (Bonus Track) Rob Pattinson
Yes, it's from Twilight, don't judge. I just really like it.
- New Slang The Shins
"You gotta listen to this song. It'll change your life, I swear..." :]
- Breathe Me Sia
Rain... I don't know why... just rain...
- The Night Starts Here Stars
A recent fav for many reassons.
- I Was Just Thinking Teitur
Another I got from Jen Lee's iPod while sick... after hearing it once, I knew Zach was going to break up with me. How I knew that, I don't know... but I kept trying to convince myself I was wrong until he proved me right haha.
- Roundabout Yes
Another in the Top 5... driving around getting lost with Noah.
- Start Today Tomorrow Youth Group
Another 08 downer song... Fuck, that was a bad year haha.
- No, It Isn't (+44)
Moping in my Irvine dorm after Noah dumping me, my potential roomies bailing on me & getting in a car accident... Winter Quarter 06 was NOT a good quarter socially... but taking 20 units was a good distraction haha. And I got at least a B in all the classes so there lol.
Definitely only a third of the actual play list, but it's late and they don't all have something interesting to them [as some of these have probably proven]. Like I said, "for me"... plus some of the stories I don't feel need to be shared with the entire world. Well, that's my idea of a blog update... so enjoy...
Friday, April 17, 2009
Hi Blog!
I've missed you, really I have. I've just been bored and too caught up in self-loathing to write anything. So, it's not you, it's me.
Okay, anyway, like I said, I'm bored. I'm sitting, well really laying, here and though I should be sleeping I'm on the internet. The kids have Championships in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous. Last year, it was almost a guarantee that they were going to medal and they ended up taking home gold. This year, totally different story. They are neck-in-neck with everyone else in their division. If I had a magic 8 ball right now and I asked if they were going to medal tomorrow, I'm guessing I would either get "try again later," or "out look doesn't look good." They have been done for a while. I'll admit I was over winter guard a few weeks ago, probably been over it since their first show, I'm not a fan of indoor, but I've put a lot of myself into this show and have still dedicated myself. We've done everything we can do. Every count has been clarified multiple times, we've gone over every minute detail that could possibly been addressed... I don't know what there is left to do. It's in their hands. They have told us time and time again that they want another gold, and Jen has told them of her nightmares of them getting called fourth. So, I just talked in a huge circle. I spent $60 on roses for the kids today. Yay for credit cards... not really, but whatever. Jen and I have always gotten them roses and balloons; I'm usually rose bitch. So that's what's going on guard land. When out and tossed my PC issue equipment around... my knee is purple... knee catch apparently does not work.
But that story assists, in a very roundabout way, this one. Today, I had the joyful experience of getting 5-6, I'm pretty sure 5 but don't quote me, cortisone shots into my shoulder blade. Fantastic, I know. I had SWORN I wouldn't go through with the shots if they said I needed them, because my dad gave me this big long lecture on how he heard they shortened your life and are bad for you and blah blah blah. Well, my doctor says my dad if full of shit, no news there. Basically, I have what are called trigger points. Kind of like pressure points, but not. Anyway, in June 2007, while rehearsing for Sneak Preview, I had a back spasm which lead to me sitting out of half a rehearsal and being put on a shit load of ibuprofen. [Side note: I'm listening to PC 07 right now and since I'm mentioning it in the blog at the same time it's making me REALLY nostalgic and excited for camp next weekend] The pain kind of went away, but I just kind of dealt with it the rest of the summer. Eventually my upper back hurt more and more and I went to the doctors in early 08... same story. So I, again, dealt with it. Finally I went to the doctors again after coming home from tour. You know, when they told me PC prematurely sent me home? Yeah, that time. [I'm not still upset about that, oh no...] THIS time it was not the same story. I was told I had a trigger point and that I would have to get steroid shots if it didn't improve. I was, again, given a shit load of ibuprofen and told to massage and use a heating pad everynight. I couldn't make that happen every night but I did my best. I was also told to avoid cold temperatures, and being out at field shows did not help with that any. BUT still, no improvement. SO, almost 2 years after injuring myself, and not really being able to use my right arm without horrible pain for the last few weeks, I went back to the doctors. After 2 seconds my doc could tell it was jacked up and we discussed what I would do. We decided on cortisone shots into the trigger points along my right shoulder blade, as a short term fix and to break the cycle of pain, then I have to make an appointment with a physical therapist, which the way my doc described it, will basically be a very deep tissue massage and they'll show me how to prevent spasms and such. Coolio but not. I had to get shots! In my shoulder blade! I HATE SHOTS! They gave me liquid nitrogen spray first, which burns like a bitch btw, then they did the shots. I felt FANTASTIC for a good hour, but now I'm hurting again, not like before, more like when you get the flu shot and feel a little bruised. Except its all along my shoulder blade. Son of a bitch.
I still have no job. There was a potential job for which I had scheduled an interview for this morning... but then I found out it was that knife company Milk Chocolate works for and I decided I wasn't ready to completely sell my soul... I also did not have the $135 needed as a deposit. Who does that?! Nothing from the district in weeks. It's really pretty lame. I have kind of given up on them. My mom and I talked about me going onto unemployment but I don't know what that would work.
Love-wise things have been pretty blah... would probably help if I got out of the house more often and stuff, but other than getting hit on by a few guys at bars with Sarah and Vanessa and a strange increase in the number of high school boys hitting on me while I coach, nothing looks promising. Noah has been way too busy for me lately. At first I was really panic-y about it. I was really depressed that I wasn't talking to him every single night and if I did it was literally so he could tell me good night. Or I'd get some random text saying he missed me or loves me. But still, I think I've had one or 2, tops, 6+ mins conversations with him in 3 weeks. I know he's in school and super busy... and that I'm not his girlfriend, I still care about him and that doesn't just turn off, though I really wish it would sometimes. I've gotten a lot more... if I say 'okay' I sound like I'm being facetious... I guess you could say more accepting? I don't know how to word it. Indifferent? I don't know. The way I look at it, he's making an effort and I'm not his girlfriend, gotta give him some credit. I've just stopped hoping he'll call and when he does it's almost a surprise. Tonight he has a gig with Rockasaurus Rex in Memphis at some party. He was telling me how ridiculously busy he was going to be today. It's been really hard for me to understand that he's really busy and that I need to not worry about it since I'm not "involved" with him, but at the same time, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I shouldn't believe him and that he's making things up and doing things, aka other girls, without telling me. We had told each other we'd be 100% honest if anything were to come up or happen, and he's proven that with telling me about Melissa, aka Alabama Girl, moving to Memphis next year... but I've been burned before and I've been so cautious of letting other people into my trust... but whatever. I'm over thinking, as usual. It's what I'm good at. I found out that OFFICIALLY I'm an alumni of UCI today and even though my degree is in History, it should be over thinking... aka philosophy... also see, B.S.
So that's my bloated attempt at an update. I'm still attempting Gone With The Wind. Hell of a book... in that I'm not even 100 pages in and captivated and put off by its shear size. I will finish before leaving on tour, oh yes, I will.
Now it is time for beddy bye. I'm thinking of working on my applications this coming week... since that was my goal for this week and it didn't happen in the least. If I decided to procrastinate, I'm going to make sure that it's doing something other than playing the Sims. Now I'm just procrastinating on sleep so I need to get off the typity box...
Good night, Moon!
I leave you with this. It's probably one of the more adorable versions of this song, ever.
I've missed you, really I have. I've just been bored and too caught up in self-loathing to write anything. So, it's not you, it's me.
Okay, anyway, like I said, I'm bored. I'm sitting, well really laying, here and though I should be sleeping I'm on the internet. The kids have Championships in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous. Last year, it was almost a guarantee that they were going to medal and they ended up taking home gold. This year, totally different story. They are neck-in-neck with everyone else in their division. If I had a magic 8 ball right now and I asked if they were going to medal tomorrow, I'm guessing I would either get "try again later," or "out look doesn't look good." They have been done for a while. I'll admit I was over winter guard a few weeks ago, probably been over it since their first show, I'm not a fan of indoor, but I've put a lot of myself into this show and have still dedicated myself. We've done everything we can do. Every count has been clarified multiple times, we've gone over every minute detail that could possibly been addressed... I don't know what there is left to do. It's in their hands. They have told us time and time again that they want another gold, and Jen has told them of her nightmares of them getting called fourth. So, I just talked in a huge circle. I spent $60 on roses for the kids today. Yay for credit cards... not really, but whatever. Jen and I have always gotten them roses and balloons; I'm usually rose bitch. So that's what's going on guard land. When out and tossed my PC issue equipment around... my knee is purple... knee catch apparently does not work.
But that story assists, in a very roundabout way, this one. Today, I had the joyful experience of getting 5-6, I'm pretty sure 5 but don't quote me, cortisone shots into my shoulder blade. Fantastic, I know. I had SWORN I wouldn't go through with the shots if they said I needed them, because my dad gave me this big long lecture on how he heard they shortened your life and are bad for you and blah blah blah. Well, my doctor says my dad if full of shit, no news there. Basically, I have what are called trigger points. Kind of like pressure points, but not. Anyway, in June 2007, while rehearsing for Sneak Preview, I had a back spasm which lead to me sitting out of half a rehearsal and being put on a shit load of ibuprofen. [Side note: I'm listening to PC 07 right now and since I'm mentioning it in the blog at the same time it's making me REALLY nostalgic and excited for camp next weekend] The pain kind of went away, but I just kind of dealt with it the rest of the summer. Eventually my upper back hurt more and more and I went to the doctors in early 08... same story. So I, again, dealt with it. Finally I went to the doctors again after coming home from tour. You know, when they told me PC prematurely sent me home? Yeah, that time. [I'm not still upset about that, oh no...] THIS time it was not the same story. I was told I had a trigger point and that I would have to get steroid shots if it didn't improve. I was, again, given a shit load of ibuprofen and told to massage and use a heating pad everynight. I couldn't make that happen every night but I did my best. I was also told to avoid cold temperatures, and being out at field shows did not help with that any. BUT still, no improvement. SO, almost 2 years after injuring myself, and not really being able to use my right arm without horrible pain for the last few weeks, I went back to the doctors. After 2 seconds my doc could tell it was jacked up and we discussed what I would do. We decided on cortisone shots into the trigger points along my right shoulder blade, as a short term fix and to break the cycle of pain, then I have to make an appointment with a physical therapist, which the way my doc described it, will basically be a very deep tissue massage and they'll show me how to prevent spasms and such. Coolio but not. I had to get shots! In my shoulder blade! I HATE SHOTS! They gave me liquid nitrogen spray first, which burns like a bitch btw, then they did the shots. I felt FANTASTIC for a good hour, but now I'm hurting again, not like before, more like when you get the flu shot and feel a little bruised. Except its all along my shoulder blade. Son of a bitch.
I still have no job. There was a potential job for which I had scheduled an interview for this morning... but then I found out it was that knife company Milk Chocolate works for and I decided I wasn't ready to completely sell my soul... I also did not have the $135 needed as a deposit. Who does that?! Nothing from the district in weeks. It's really pretty lame. I have kind of given up on them. My mom and I talked about me going onto unemployment but I don't know what that would work.
Love-wise things have been pretty blah... would probably help if I got out of the house more often and stuff, but other than getting hit on by a few guys at bars with Sarah and Vanessa and a strange increase in the number of high school boys hitting on me while I coach, nothing looks promising. Noah has been way too busy for me lately. At first I was really panic-y about it. I was really depressed that I wasn't talking to him every single night and if I did it was literally so he could tell me good night. Or I'd get some random text saying he missed me or loves me. But still, I think I've had one or 2, tops, 6+ mins conversations with him in 3 weeks. I know he's in school and super busy... and that I'm not his girlfriend, I still care about him and that doesn't just turn off, though I really wish it would sometimes. I've gotten a lot more... if I say 'okay' I sound like I'm being facetious... I guess you could say more accepting? I don't know how to word it. Indifferent? I don't know. The way I look at it, he's making an effort and I'm not his girlfriend, gotta give him some credit. I've just stopped hoping he'll call and when he does it's almost a surprise. Tonight he has a gig with Rockasaurus Rex in Memphis at some party. He was telling me how ridiculously busy he was going to be today. It's been really hard for me to understand that he's really busy and that I need to not worry about it since I'm not "involved" with him, but at the same time, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I shouldn't believe him and that he's making things up and doing things, aka other girls, without telling me. We had told each other we'd be 100% honest if anything were to come up or happen, and he's proven that with telling me about Melissa, aka Alabama Girl, moving to Memphis next year... but I've been burned before and I've been so cautious of letting other people into my trust... but whatever. I'm over thinking, as usual. It's what I'm good at. I found out that OFFICIALLY I'm an alumni of UCI today and even though my degree is in History, it should be over thinking... aka philosophy... also see, B.S.
So that's my bloated attempt at an update. I'm still attempting Gone With The Wind. Hell of a book... in that I'm not even 100 pages in and captivated and put off by its shear size. I will finish before leaving on tour, oh yes, I will.
Now it is time for beddy bye. I'm thinking of working on my applications this coming week... since that was my goal for this week and it didn't happen in the least. If I decided to procrastinate, I'm going to make sure that it's doing something other than playing the Sims. Now I'm just procrastinating on sleep so I need to get off the typity box...
Good night, Moon!
I leave you with this. It's probably one of the more adorable versions of this song, ever.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
[Frankly,] My dear, I don't give a damn!
Hey folks,
Yeah I haven't written in awhile. I have lots, I guess, I write about but right now we're going to take another look into my book-of-the-moment. This time it's Gone With The Wind. I'm not far along at all but here are some interesting facts.
- FACT: The "frankly" was added for the movie. He's much sweeter about shunning Scarlett in the book.
- FACT: It is really hard to read the slave's dialogue. Phonetic spelling is a bitch.
- FACT: Scarlett was only 16! WTF? I don't remember that from the movie.
- Favorite passage thus far:
Good quote.
Yeah I haven't written in awhile. I have lots, I guess, I write about but right now we're going to take another look into my book-of-the-moment. This time it's Gone With The Wind. I'm not far along at all but here are some interesting facts.
- FACT: The "frankly" was added for the movie. He's much sweeter about shunning Scarlett in the book.
- FACT: It is really hard to read the slave's dialogue. Phonetic spelling is a bitch.
- FACT: Scarlett was only 16! WTF? I don't remember that from the movie.
- Favorite passage thus far:
When the twins left Scarlett standing on the porch of Tara and the last sound of flying hooves had died awa, she went back to her chair like a sleepwalker. Her face went stiff as from pain and her mouth actually hurt from having stretched it, unwillingly, in simles to prevent the twins from learning her secret. She sat down wearily, tucking one foot under her, and her heart swelled up with misery, until it felt too large for her bosom. It beat with odd little jerks; her hands were cold, and a feeling of disaster oppressed her.
Good quote.
Friday, March 27, 2009
From this point on, I'm writing in French. Granted, it definitely won't be good French. I found a translator on my MacBook dashboard, so I'm putting it to use. :]
Je le manque vraiment. Je ne lui ai pas parlé beaucoup aujourd'hui. Quelque chose est erronée avec lui mais je ne sais pas ce qu'et lui ne m'a pas parlé. Je souhaite que j'aie su ce qui était erroné. Je sais qu'il est malade. Il m'effraye. Je sais que je ne devrais pas m'inquiéter. Il y a eu d'abondance des périodes où nous n'avons pas parlé, mais je me suis inquiété de lui pour quelque raison.
Je le manque vraiment. Je ne lui ai pas parlé beaucoup aujourd'hui. Quelque chose est erronée avec lui mais je ne sais pas ce qu'et lui ne m'a pas parlé. Je souhaite que j'aie su ce qui était erroné. Je sais qu'il est malade. Il m'effraye. Je sais que je ne devrais pas m'inquiéter. Il y a eu d'abondance des périodes où nous n'avons pas parlé, mais je me suis inquiété de lui pour quelque raison.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I hate when I make bad decisions. I really do. They make me feel like I'm spiraling down in a plane crash or something. That's pretty melodramatic, I know. But if it wasn't melodramatic, it just wouldn't be my style.
This isn't necessarily that bad, though it sure seems like it to me. I would almost prefer the plane crash. I really don't want to go into detail on the world-wide web, but it's pretty bad. I've been in this position before but the only people who know that already know about this... if that makes any sense. It wouldn't be bothering me this much if I remembered stuff better and people didn't keep making me freak out. I'm EASILY prone to panic attacks and this is definitely something that'll give anyone a panic attack. I just wish I could calm myself down. I know what I have to do but it's like, I don't know what's worse, how things are now or how they will be after. I guess it all depends on what happens. I just hate waiting, I guess. I hate mind games. I hate myself right now. I really do. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry (told ya, melodramatic is my style). But alas, only time will tell if I'm over reacting or not. I think I am, and other people are telling me that I am, but still. You would think that I would learn my lesson and not make the same mistake twice... But if you really think about it I don't think I made any mistake and I did everything that I was supposed to... but maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. I'm still freaking out. The only people I want to talk to right now I can't so this is the only way for me to just get it out and not explode with frustration. I think I'm going to take care of things tomorrow. Sooner is better than later, right? I just want my mind to be at ease. I hate anxiety like this.
This isn't necessarily that bad, though it sure seems like it to me. I would almost prefer the plane crash. I really don't want to go into detail on the world-wide web, but it's pretty bad. I've been in this position before but the only people who know that already know about this... if that makes any sense. It wouldn't be bothering me this much if I remembered stuff better and people didn't keep making me freak out. I'm EASILY prone to panic attacks and this is definitely something that'll give anyone a panic attack. I just wish I could calm myself down. I know what I have to do but it's like, I don't know what's worse, how things are now or how they will be after. I guess it all depends on what happens. I just hate waiting, I guess. I hate mind games. I hate myself right now. I really do. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry (told ya, melodramatic is my style). But alas, only time will tell if I'm over reacting or not. I think I am, and other people are telling me that I am, but still. You would think that I would learn my lesson and not make the same mistake twice... But if you really think about it I don't think I made any mistake and I did everything that I was supposed to... but maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. I'm still freaking out. The only people I want to talk to right now I can't so this is the only way for me to just get it out and not explode with frustration. I think I'm going to take care of things tomorrow. Sooner is better than later, right? I just want my mind to be at ease. I hate anxiety like this.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I haven't felt like this in a while. It blows.
By this, I am referring to panic attacks.
I'm seriously having one. I'm so stressed out. It's part hormones, part school, part anxiety of the "post-graduation" world, part missing Noah like crazy. I'm tired but I haven't been able to sleep the whole night in a few nights. I want to sleep but I have nightmares when I do. I don't want to do to my final tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be alright and that I'm being ridiculous. I miss Noah like crazy and I just want to see him. I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship without the actual relationship. Last week, while I was with him, I was happy. It was so bittersweet because I knew it wouldn't last, but I couldn't have been happier. I feel like he's been acting distant (in the communication dept. since he's already distant in the physical sense) but he is in school and has a life in Memphis. Things between us are basically back to the same except now we both admit to loving each other. That sounds incredibly mushy, doesn't it? Ick, I hate mushy. Well, most of the time I hate it, anyway.
I am so at a loss. I'm supposed to be anxious, yes. But feeling like crap? Feeling like I'm on my wits end... This is my last DAYS of college. The whole world is right in front of me and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. I loved feeling wanted last week and I want that more.
I'm being way too melodramatic. One of my unspoken New Years' resolutions was to be "less drama," and right now I'm not doing a great job. I already said EXACTLY what's bothering me. Why am I being so "woe is me" about it? There's nothing I can really do except keep on keepin' on. I'm stressed out. Nothing more.
I think that I should take some Nyquil and try to hit the sack. I already text Noah something incredibly melodramatic, so I've definitely gone over my pathetic quota for the night.
Peace.
By this, I am referring to panic attacks.
I'm seriously having one. I'm so stressed out. It's part hormones, part school, part anxiety of the "post-graduation" world, part missing Noah like crazy. I'm tired but I haven't been able to sleep the whole night in a few nights. I want to sleep but I have nightmares when I do. I don't want to do to my final tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be alright and that I'm being ridiculous. I miss Noah like crazy and I just want to see him. I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship without the actual relationship. Last week, while I was with him, I was happy. It was so bittersweet because I knew it wouldn't last, but I couldn't have been happier. I feel like he's been acting distant (in the communication dept. since he's already distant in the physical sense) but he is in school and has a life in Memphis. Things between us are basically back to the same except now we both admit to loving each other. That sounds incredibly mushy, doesn't it? Ick, I hate mushy. Well, most of the time I hate it, anyway.
I am so at a loss. I'm supposed to be anxious, yes. But feeling like crap? Feeling like I'm on my wits end... This is my last DAYS of college. The whole world is right in front of me and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. I loved feeling wanted last week and I want that more.
I'm being way too melodramatic. One of my unspoken New Years' resolutions was to be "less drama," and right now I'm not doing a great job. I already said EXACTLY what's bothering me. Why am I being so "woe is me" about it? There's nothing I can really do except keep on keepin' on. I'm stressed out. Nothing more.
I think that I should take some Nyquil and try to hit the sack. I already text Noah something incredibly melodramatic, so I've definitely gone over my pathetic quota for the night.
Peace.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Oh my goodness...
OKAY! So I'm a little obsessed with the show Big Love, as I've said before. Well I just saw the second to last episode of the season.. HOLY CRAP!!! Serious, WTH?!?!
Ridiculous...
Anyway. I've been meaning to do a blog but life has been pretty busy lately. I technically don't even have time right now but I'm being lazy today already so I figure I'm not doing anything more lazy than already...
Let's see... I took the CSET yesterday. I feel pretty good about it actually. I really don't know though. There were quite a few things on both tests that I was completely stumped by, but I feel really good about my essay/short answers. One was on Latin American history. I was SO excited [that's what my history class this quarter is on]. Speaking of school, I am done this week :]. I am speechless. It still seems really weird that after this week I'm honestly, truly done. What will I do with myself?! I'm already starting to at least think about my credential applications haha. I need to talk to a few profs about letters of rec. I haven't seen the ones who would actually write me one for so long that I'm scared I won't find anyone. I'll figure something out.
In other news, I had an amazing week with Noah. I know how that must sound. Don't judge. I haven't let myself be unguarded around him in a very long time, probably since sometime in 2006. Even this week I started things off the same way. Monday we went to see Jay Leno. I went to Cal Hi in the morning, as usual in my PJs [because I'm a lazy coach haha], and he's there. So already I'm thinking "Great, just how I wanted to start this day off." Gave him the semi-awkward side hug because I was so in shock that he was there and I swear all my kids were giving me crazy looks, like "who is this dude?"
So after I went home and made myself presentable, I drove over to his house a little early. I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to see him. I got there and we started watching stupid stuff on YouTube while we waited for it to be time to go to Burbank. He kept trying to put his hand on my knee and I would move away. Eventually we left and he tried to hold my hand as I drove and I totally pulled away saying "I need two hands to drive" haha. And he called my out on it, saying how it was the dumbest excuse ever. Which is totally true. We got to Burbank in almost no time and drove around looking for food. Eventually we went to got hotdogs and went to the studio. His aunt gave us a mini tour and we got to see where they film Telemundo's news [that's the station she works for, NBC owns them]. Had to kill about an hour in the dining hall before going into our seats for the show. we were kind of in the back but it was still great. This is getting a little ahead of myself, but Demetri Martin was ADORABLE in person. Okay, back to what I was saying. While we were waiting for the show to start, this dude [Noah] says "hey Sammy" I turn and he kisses me.
Later we went to get Thai and cocktails... well, I got a cocktail, he's still underaged for about 9 months haha. After that we went to rent a movie, got Pineapple Express [didn't live up to the hype for me btw] and we spent the night talking and such. The next day, he drove out to Irvine between my classes and we went to Laguna Beach. Then I drove him to the airport. That's the short version. Anyway, I'm growing bored of myself. All in all, I've missed him and he wasn't home nearly long enough. I really do care about him and the sad part is, this is the first time in years that we've both cared about each other at the same time and we really can't be together. Long distance blows. Majorly. Okay, Sammy OUT!
OKAY! So I'm a little obsessed with the show Big Love, as I've said before. Well I just saw the second to last episode of the season.. HOLY CRAP!!! Serious, WTH?!?!
Ridiculous...
Anyway. I've been meaning to do a blog but life has been pretty busy lately. I technically don't even have time right now but I'm being lazy today already so I figure I'm not doing anything more lazy than already...
Let's see... I took the CSET yesterday. I feel pretty good about it actually. I really don't know though. There were quite a few things on both tests that I was completely stumped by, but I feel really good about my essay/short answers. One was on Latin American history. I was SO excited [that's what my history class this quarter is on]. Speaking of school, I am done this week :]. I am speechless. It still seems really weird that after this week I'm honestly, truly done. What will I do with myself?! I'm already starting to at least think about my credential applications haha. I need to talk to a few profs about letters of rec. I haven't seen the ones who would actually write me one for so long that I'm scared I won't find anyone. I'll figure something out.
In other news, I had an amazing week with Noah. I know how that must sound. Don't judge. I haven't let myself be unguarded around him in a very long time, probably since sometime in 2006. Even this week I started things off the same way. Monday we went to see Jay Leno. I went to Cal Hi in the morning, as usual in my PJs [because I'm a lazy coach haha], and he's there. So already I'm thinking "Great, just how I wanted to start this day off." Gave him the semi-awkward side hug because I was so in shock that he was there and I swear all my kids were giving me crazy looks, like "who is this dude?"
So after I went home and made myself presentable, I drove over to his house a little early. I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to see him. I got there and we started watching stupid stuff on YouTube while we waited for it to be time to go to Burbank. He kept trying to put his hand on my knee and I would move away. Eventually we left and he tried to hold my hand as I drove and I totally pulled away saying "I need two hands to drive" haha. And he called my out on it, saying how it was the dumbest excuse ever. Which is totally true. We got to Burbank in almost no time and drove around looking for food. Eventually we went to got hotdogs and went to the studio. His aunt gave us a mini tour and we got to see where they film Telemundo's news [that's the station she works for, NBC owns them]. Had to kill about an hour in the dining hall before going into our seats for the show. we were kind of in the back but it was still great. This is getting a little ahead of myself, but Demetri Martin was ADORABLE in person. Okay, back to what I was saying. While we were waiting for the show to start, this dude [Noah] says "hey Sammy" I turn and he kisses me.
Later we went to get Thai and cocktails... well, I got a cocktail, he's still underaged for about 9 months haha. After that we went to rent a movie, got Pineapple Express [didn't live up to the hype for me btw] and we spent the night talking and such. The next day, he drove out to Irvine between my classes and we went to Laguna Beach. Then I drove him to the airport. That's the short version. Anyway, I'm growing bored of myself. All in all, I've missed him and he wasn't home nearly long enough. I really do care about him and the sad part is, this is the first time in years that we've both cared about each other at the same time and we really can't be together. Long distance blows. Majorly. Okay, Sammy OUT!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Big Love...
WHOA! I think that this could quite possibly be my new favorite show. It's starting to edge out Scrubs a little bit... not a lot though. I just finished season 1, and I'm watching the first episode of season 2 as I type this. Seriously, SO AWESOME! Here are a few observations that I have come up with since watching this show:
- I could NEVER practice polygamy. I mean, besides the fact that it's against the law and kind of gross... I have a hard time sharing. Seriously, I cannot do the things these women do. First few episodes show him having sex with his wives... seriously? How can you share something that... that, personal, that sacred, with other people? Not right, nope, not right...
- These deluded Mormon women get more action sharing one guy than I've had in way too long haha.
- I'm happy with my religion. As well as my state. I know the two aren't linked, but in this show, those lines are pretty blurred.
- These girls are more selfless than I think I could ever be.
So those are a few observations I've made. It was funny, earlier, I tried explaining how everyone was related and connected to my sister.... I'm still shocked I could do so. It's hilarious.
In other news, I'll be publishing (well, writing a blog) a review about Next soon. I am about a hundred pages away from the end. OMG! There's MonkeyBoys and parrots that can do math and people owning the genes of other people... INSANE! It's almost as good as Big Love, but since it's a book, I have to do a little more work. I didn't finish today because it gives me something to do in between classes tomorrow.
And in even more other news, I am, yet again, falling for Noah. I hate that I'm becoming the bad guy. I'm becoming something I hate. I'm toying with his emotions. I don't know if he realizes it, but I do. I hate myself for it. One second, I can't stand him. I hate him even. But then I miss him like crazy. I start talking to him again. I do all these things that scream "I love you." He had actually stopped telling me he loved me for awhile, I was happy about that. But today, this morning, I woke up to a text message saying "Love you Sweetie <3">
But the same time, I'm scared shitless. I miss him but I'm scared. I'm scared to open up feelings to anyone. I'm so damn tired of being rejected. 5 Boyfriends... that's how many boys I have been with since Noah. Noah is the only one I think that I "loved" in the purest sense of the word. I loved them all, for their own ways. But he was my first "love," the first person I felt that way for. I don't know. I'm just... ugh... I would love to "rekindle" things with him. I really would. But he lives so far away, we want such different things. I feel like I'm going around in circles. It doesn't make sense to have any sort of relationship with him, especially if I want it to last. He was talking about how he can't wait to kiss me. I have to admit, I melted a little. I want to kiss him too. But again, rejection... it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And I hate to give Zach too much credit, but he kind of put the last nail in the coffin. He didn't give our relationship a chance, and I'm fine with that now, but I'm tired of being the rebound girl or the girl people don't want to try and fight to be with. I was watching the Bachelor earlier... he totally chose one girl... THEN went back on it and broke up with her on TV to get with the one he originally broke up with... also on TV. SO Retarded! I hate boys... not really, but still. I'm so confused. It's times like this that I really wish people read my blog. I need feed back on these things.
UGH! Right now is another example of how he acts. I sent him a message explaining that my parents were making fun of my single-ness and saying they were going to put me in an arranged marriage and that it made me feel like I have no life. He just sent me a message saying "Love you and your no life." Adorable, right? How am I supposed to fight this?! What is the right thing to do. I need help on this...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Frustrated writer...
As I've talked about before, I would love to write a book. I love to read. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a "late bloomer" with the reading love. It wasn't until I was stuck with tons of free time on my hands, finding the internet extremely boring that I picked up a book and said, "why not?" Now I can't stop. It's the last week in February and I'm on my 5th? novel of the year. And this is while busy with school and teaching guard.
The current book of choice is Next by Michael Crichton. This is the last book he published before his death (though I'm really anxious to see if the last novel he was working on is published later this year, as rumored). I'm about 45 pages in, and so far it doesn't disappoint. Without a doubt he is becoming my favorite author. Next is a lot like Jurassic Park so far. It's all about genetic experimentation. But I'm only just beginning, so who knows where it will end up. I made it one of my New Year's Resolutions, which is just what I'm calling the list of arbitrary goals I have made recently, is to read every Michael Crichton novel. There are tons of novels for me to get to, this is only my third. Of course, I'm going to try to finish with his most well known novel, other than Jurassic Park and The Lost World, The Andromeda Strain. I'm weird. I have heard nothing but good things about that novel... I'm weird...
And that was actually a digression because I began this blog talking about writing and I ended up talking about what I was reading... similar, but not the same.
So about writing... yeah, that's all I have. I want to write so much right now, but I am so brain dead because of school and life that I can't think! I actually started, barely, doing research for a story I'm thinking about. I've mentioned this story before. It's my version of Cinderella, which I playfully named Cinderfella. Right now, it's going to take place during the Civil War. You would think, I'm a US History major, I should know a lot about the American Civil War, right? Wrong-o. It's really sad that I haven't taken an US History class since this time last year, let alone a class about the Civil War (for the record, I only took one class, 19th Century American History, that dealt with the Civil War, and that was Winter Quarter my first year!). So today I started reading an article on the life of soldiers. I don't know if I want him to be from the Union or Confederacy yet, so that will define a few things for me when the time comes to write or not write this thing. I want to work on something so much but I have no clue what to write about. I just want to write. That's part of why I'm writing this blog, and any blog/bulletin I write for that matter. I need to get words out of my head. I mean, I could have easily spent the last few hours contently reading Next, but I just could not fit anymore in my brain (willingly). This is the part of writing I suck at, which I shouldn't since I'm a history major; research! Everything about writing I've read talks about doing the research for your story before you write it and how important it is, but I don't have enough patients. I know things I want to write already, but I need to know my context first, use the right language, and things.
Sigh... oh well, I need to get to class
Bon Chance.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Vital Information for Your Everyday Life
I'm a list-aholic [using the suffix -aholic as a joke because it annoys me to death how everyone uses that so much/incorrectly.] and those stupid lists on Facebook have been pretty exciting for me. So here is my list of random thoughts for the night.
1. Note to self: working out for an hour, while sick, is probably not the best idea...
2. Like 99.9% of girls my age, I hate how I look. All through high school I was so embarrassed about my acne, and though it's not completely cleared up, it's gotten so much better. Now that that problem is fixed, I feel like I'm getting fat. Shoot me if you want, but I went from being between 112-118 all throughout college, to being 135 going into graduation... it really upsets me [especially considering I was 108 when I graduated high school.] Why can't I have things on my side and have both?
3. In the same thought as 1 and 2, my resolution is to stop being lazy and actually work out... I probably should eat more non-junk food too, but one step at a time haha.
4. When I know or think that someone is interested in me, I put a great deal of distance between myself and them. I'm a complete commitaphobe.
5. I really, really, really, really need to see a dentist. It hurts to chew on my right side and I haven't been in probably 3 years. I asked my mom to set me up an appointment in September, she forgot to write it down. The next week my sister asked her, even though she's gone pretty consistently and doesn't have anything too urgent to get done, and my mom called right then and got her in. She had 3 cavities and it cost my mom about $800. Oh, and she's supposed to get her wisdom teeth out too, apparently. Now my parents, and myself, can't afford to send me to the dentist. Like I said, it hurts to chew and I haven't been in years... my mom still feels like crap for forgetting to write it down when I asked her.
6. All my dog does is sleep... What the hell does she do all day that she's always tired?
7. When I move into my own home one day, I want a fireplace. We have one and use it almost daily. My mom usually burns my dad's old business records from the 1990s. She says it makes her feel like Enron. Having a fire always makes me feel at home :].
8. I have ridiculously low self-esteem. I know that's not uncommon or special, but still. I'm told I'm too hard on myself.
9. I like shows like "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" but hate shows like "The Bachelor." Kids are adorable. Guys trying to find the "love of their life" in a few months, while essentially cheating on 16 girls at once... either diabolical or retarded... depends on how you look at it.
10. I know I'm ridiculous and that it's not that cold, but I've been wearing thermal leggings and knee high socks under my jeans for the last 2 weeks. I get cold very easily. I would probably die living back east in the winter.
11. I think it's really funny that on my first paper of the quarter I got 78% and on my first test/midterm I got 87%. Neither grade is "good enough," but oh well... oh, senioritis.
12. I know I shouldn't but I compare my life to friends/family/co-worker's lives. I feel like a real loser some times. Like the girl I work with at Cal, Jen. She's engaged, owns her home, aged out in BD 07 [not that I'm jealous of her being in BD, just the fact she has a ring/marched Saturday night], works full-time on top of working with Cal, is a dance major [which I am jealous of because I would love to dance well and take classes in school], she's actually a double major... yeah, I think I made my point. I feel like by comparison, I haven't done much with my life. I haven't been able to really hold a job for very long [though that's my own fault, I've always quit every job because of school...], I'm lazy, I've had more boyfriends than I care to admit [but at least I can laugh about it haha]... oh well.
13. For 20 years I have shared a room with my sister. We've fought, but usually we get along great. Once we got into college, we started fighting more than ever before. I have to fight with her to use my room... it's retarded...
Monday, February 9, 2009
A new week, a new blog.
Well, in all honestly, there really isn't much to report. I hung out with Jennee Saturday night, it was lots of fun and we decided to do the same thing this coming Saturday (i.e. Valentine's Day). Then I hung out with Tami Sunday night. It was great spending time with friends and getting away from the house. I have felt so closed up and alone lately. I kind of make myself a loner most of the time but, I guess right now especially, for some reason, it's really hitting me. I have been really good about keeping my spirits up. I mean, I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic or something. I've been without a boyfriend for just about 6 months. I mean, it's not a long time but it is at the same time. I have basically had a boyfriend ever since high school. There are some patches of "sobriety" that lasted a few months here and there, but I think this is the longest I have been single in a very long time.
There are so many good and bad things about single life. I have become a much more independent, self-reliant person, which I love. I haven't had stupid drama to deal with. There have been a few instances of "drama" at the high school, but it's NOTHING like that kind of drama I got myself in with my past relationships. I still think about the whole Anessa business from when I dated Chris, that was just immature and stupid, I'm glad that kind of stuff especially isn't part of my life anymore. I like being able to do whatever I want and not worry about calling someone or having to worry about another person's "feelings" and other mushy things. That's all fine and dandy. Plus, with graduating in 5 weeks (yes, I'm really counting down, it's a big deal, so sue me haha) I don't need the distraction of a boy (since God knows I have enough else to distract me :P).
But I'm not about to lie and say that I'm ecstatic about being single, especially with it being Valentine's week. I miss having someone to cuddle with, to call and talk to. Someone who thinks I'm pretty and smart and wants to give me their undivided attention, who I feel the same about. I miss those mushy things. I am third-wheel to my sister and her boyfriend 90% of the time I'm home. It gets old. They've been together going on 3 years. That's huge. I've dated 6 guys in the time they've been together. I feel like the slut of the family. I really, honest-to-God hate it. I have become pretty cynical and bitchy around them, and I feel bad about it, but at the same time I share a room with her, she knows I don't have the best luck with guys and she will snuggle up under the covers with Jeremy while I'm in the room. Not cool. Way to make me feel great, Sis. Then there's the fact that almost all my friends are in some sort of relationship. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure seems like it when you're single; that's when you really start to notice all the relationships out there. I go to Cal and Jen just got engaged, and while I'm happy for her, it does sting a little that I either see the rock on her finger every rehearsal or she brings up her "fiance." Hell, my guard kids have better love lives than me right now.
My love life isn't completely non-existent. I mean, I do have Noah. But that's really not the same. I don't care for him the same way he cares about me, and he's in Memphis, not really cuddling distance. I'm actually really glad he's not here because I would probably fall into an even more blown out version of a mock relationship with him than I'm already in now. Then I have one of my sister's exes asking me out, and nightly texts from an 08 PC age-out who has said they would like to take me out, but never really manned up to asking (and I'm pretty sure I would not going with). I mean, I do have boys at school who hit on me, but that's nothing special. There's the guy in my Latin history discussion who always sits a little too close to me and asks me random questions, the guy in my ED class who does the same thing... but see, I don't know if I'm just being full of myself thinking that's flirting or they're just trying to be nice and whatnot.
Love is hard.
I am sticking to my guns about my no PC tour boyfriends. I mean really, I'm old in drum corps terms; dating any one in the corps who isn't an age-out feels like pedophilia. The only age-out boys I can think of off the top of my head are gay, so yeah, doesn't work. I don't know, I just really miss feeling needed, feeling cared for... dare I actually say it, feeling loved. Admittedly, writing this actually helped, but seriously, I have felt like shit all day. I'm starting to see "signs" of depression in myself and I'm just hoping it's because of the impending romantic holiday and not because of anything else. I haven't eaten much... other than junk... I didn't even get out of my pajamas today... yeah, never a good thing. I learned that productivity stems from wearing pants... I mean, I am wearing pants, but it's just a metaphor... whatever, it makes sense in my head (the idea came from How I Met Your Mother, oh that Marshall...).
Wow, that was way too much self-pity for one blog. I should've cut it up into smaller "blogettes" to keep it more tolerable. Anyway, for anyone who actually read this thing, merci. I have a fun-filled day of midterm studying and other miscellaneous school things in the morning, so I need to attempt sleep... which I won't for a little while thanks to my sister and her "snuggle buddy" being in our room... as weird as it sounds, even though I know I have every right in the world to kick them out so I can go to sleep, I feel like the rude one. I need to move out...
Bon Soir.
Friday, February 6, 2009
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Hello Blog. Long time, no write. How've you been? That's good. I've been busy... no, really, I have.
Haha, ok that was pretty lame, even for me. I haven't written in a while, my apologies. I've been with my other lover... reading. Yep, in the last 2ish weeks I've read 2.5 books. Invisible Monsters I've talked about in previous blogs. Fantastic. I also read another Chuck Palahniuk novel, Choke, also pretty fantastic. It's about a sexaholic who chokes on purpose to make the people who save him feel like heros in the hopes that they will send him money, feeling responsible for him, so that he may continue paying for his mothers health care... oh, and a crazy person at the same hospital, who he thinks is a doctor, tries to convince him he's Jesus. Yep, fantastic.
And, admittedly because of the hype, I started reading He's Just Not That Into You. So far, it makes soooo much sense! I feel... empowered haha. I'm only halfway through but I'm already seeing mistakes I've made before haha. It's really eye opening. Which leads me to a social conversation I want to start...
What if I'm just not that into him?
Seriously, what if I can't tell? Yeah, if you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Noah. I really don't know. We had a conversation about it the other night. He was asking me how I thought things should be when he's home for spring break next month. I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't pussyfoot around the truth, I flat out told him; I don't want a boyfriend for a week. Reading this book is making me more ballsy. I like it. I have definitely been liking the male attention I seem to be getting from him. I call him my pseudo-boyfriend, which is nice and all, but I don't want this to be all there is. I want an honest to God boyfriend. I'm done wasting my time. Do I want to see him when he's home? You bet I do. I do still have feelings for him. I always have, ever since we broke up. He was my first "love," so I'm 99% sure I will always have some sort of feelings for him. But do I want to be his girlfriend again? Only for a week?
At the end of every chapter in HJNTIY there's something along the lines of "you deserve better." I really think that I deserve more than a boy 1700 miles away who couldn't figure out that he loved me until almost 3 years later (I said 4 years previously but I redid my math...). Noah is the best when we're not together, but when we were... I just don't know. We've both changed so much. Those stupid "25 Random Facts" notes spreading like herpes around Facebook? Yeah, I read his, soo many of the things he said conflict with what I want in a guy. One of the things he said was he didn't feel he had to get married or whatever, well that's definitely something on my to-do list (now that I think about it, that might've been in a MySpace bulletin he did, same difference). He's also an Atheist now, which doesn't really work for me (Side note: there was some minor family drama. My parents are joining the church they've been going to for the last year and they wanted my siblings and myself to joined and be baptized, which we never were. I love God and I try to be a good Christian, but they raised us saying that we didn't need to go to church to be good people, and I always feel weird at church, I don't know why and I feel like a bad person because of it. So my siblings are joining and whatnot, but I am not. I feel like the black sheep now. I said it was because I really won't be able to go that much soon because of drum corps, but it's mostly the church making me feel weird thing.).
I brought up the whole Los Angeles - Memphis distance issue with him, too. He's not a fan of long distance either, but he still wants to "rekindle things." Seriously? I honestly can't tell if he's really still in love with me, or if he's just trying to pull off the most long, drawn out plan to get in my pants when he's home. I told Noah that if he wants to hang out, or go on "a date," he has to actually call and ask me. He was thinking that whenever he wasn't hanging out with someone else while he was home that he'd be with me. Seriously? I know I don't have much of a social life, but I do have some. Plus that's the week leading into the CSET, which I am determined to pass with flying colors. Hell, I even bought a study book, that's a pretty big deal for me; I'm actually putting in effort this time. He tells me all the time that he loves me and misses me; if that's true he can put in the effort. I want to be chased after damn it.
But I got a little away from my question, what if I'm just not that into him? When I read this book, listing all the excuses guys use on girls that subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, tell that they "just aren't that into them," I see almost everything I do to Noah. Do the same rules apply? I feel like it's a math property. "A + B = C but B + C does not = A" I don't know if it goes both ways. I guess that I really can't tell until I actually spend time with him. I know I'm going to get sucked in, at least a little. That has happened literally every time I've spent time with him since we broke up. But I think that I'm older, more mature and wiser to the world of men.
That's about it for tonight... I just sliced my finger so I'm off to take care of that.
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