It’s been awhile since I’ve done any late-night musings.

As I sit here reading Rhett Butler’s People, a sequel to Gone With The Wind written a few years ago which re-tells the classic from Rhett’s point of view, I started contemplating my own love life. What else would you expect me to write about? The story goes into how utterly in love Rhett was with Scarlett O’Hara; almost a love-at-first-sight sort of thing. At every turn his mocking words are laced with passionate love for the Irish girl from Georgia. The key is, that if you’ve read GWTW you do not know until the very end, Rhett knows and understands that she will never love him as he loves her, though they are completely perfect for each other. One of my FAVORITE lines, “Some men could love without being loved in return. Rehtt Butler envied them.” So it’s not like he’s some brainless creature mooning after a girl who will never love him; he wants her to love him or he’ll do whatever it takes to not love her. This is why he constantly leaves Scarlett for long periods of time, turning his energy toward blockading, liquor and whores, in hopes that he will one day forget about Katie Scarlett [BTDubb, that’s her real name and I like it a lot... if I get a dog, I’m considering this name lol].

Other characters’ love lives are brought up in this tale as well. We see more into how conflicted Ashley Wilkes was between his adoring Melanie and the charms of Scarlett, who he really just wanted to sleep with quite honestly; he doesn’t realize how much he loved his wife until she dies, so sad. We also find out about Rhett’s little sister Rosemary, who becomes estranged from her husband after scandal and the death of their daughter, only for them to realize how much they need each other right before he is killed in battle. I apologize for how this is slowly turning into a book report, but if you haven’t caught the theme yet, realizing love too late is very prevalent in both books.

Now if I haven’t bored you to death yet, you’re probably wondering how I’m going to warp this to fit into my semi-non-existent love life. I’m not going to sugar coat, aka try to hide who I’m talking about, because quite honestly if you can’t figure it out, then you’re pretty dense. Anyone who is around me for a long enough period of time knows that as many boys as I’ve dated, as many times as I’ve tried to avoid him, no matter what I do or say, I’m pretty head-over-heels for Noah. Much like Scarlett O’Hara, I tried to avoid the fact I care about him as much as I do for quite some time. [Sidenote: in GWTW Scarlett does figure out she loves Rhett well before the end of the story, but she doesn’t let him know until he no longer loves her. Bummer, right?] Obviously, I’m not as successful as Scarlett in fooling myself. Now, you may think that with all this talk of realizing too late and unrequited love that I am not shown the same love in return from my debonaire guitarist in Tennessee. Alas, this is very much not the case. Though we’re not a couple, and I had one hell of a time explaining to those who saw my face light up the day I saw him in Murfreesboro that he wasn’t my boyfriend, we treat each other very amicably. The majority of our calls are bookended with an ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you.’ To say we talk everyday is a bit of a stretch, but every other day is more realistic. He tells me all about Rockasaurus Rex with the excitement of a 5-year old on Christmas morning, and he will listen to me talk about the monotony of life back in Whittier with a smile in his voice. I don’t know who I would be trying to fool if I said I didn’t wish with all my heart to be his girlfriend or see him everyday, but I’ve learned that these things are just not possible for the time being. And to say that I’m not completely jealous of every girl UofM, Rockasaurus groupie, or other female he speaks of would be a total understatement. It is with great deal of effort and faith that I am letting myself trust what he tells me.

I haven’t gotten to my point yet. I’m sorry, I’m a fan of story telling and I tend to get caught up in exposition. The point is, just as Scarlett realized too late that she loved Rhett, he realized after so long that he no longer loved Scarlett. I’m afraid of two scenarios: The first being Noah realizes he does not love be when the time does come for him to return to California, or that I will realize I do not love him before I see him again. Like I said, we’re not a couple in the common understanding. Generally speaking, and I guess I can only speak for myself, I’m not actively looking a boyfriend but I’m not “saving” myself for Noah either. Whatever happens, happens. Such a silly phrase, isn’t it? Of course whatever happens happens... but anyway, the way he talks it sounds as if he’s going about things the same way. I have proposed the dreaded idea of a long distance liaison, but that was quickly stifled. A girl can dream, right? He says he cannot afford the distraction or time for a girlfriend while in school, but I’m told that once he’s finished school and returned to the Golden State, I’m first in line for his heart. [I may have taken some creative liberties there, but that’s the gist of it.] So as I sit here half awake, listening to Arcade Fire while reading about Rhett Butler’s undoubting love for Katie Scarlett, verging on a migraine, I am thinking of these things.


Sidenote: IF we had remained a couple, a few weeks from now would be 5 years. Has anyone broken up with someone and still admitted to loving each other 5 years later? I feel sometimes like my life sounds like a story in itself...