"Drink up with me now..."

Wow... It's November. Wow...

It's already WAY too late and I have a department meeting in the morning, so I really don't want to be up all night, but I feel like I need to get some things off my mind.

Yesterday was Halloween, and the night before I went out with my friends. Now, I love my friends with all my heart, but over the last few months I feel more and more disconnected with them. I felt like this was my half-assed attempted at not being a complete loner, yet I still ALWAYS feel like a social outcast, even among my closest friends. I hardly ever talk to anyone who isn't a student/teacher, so when I do talk to or even see some drum corps friends, its a rare and exciting occasion.

And being me, I of course have to ruin it.

I think that I should've stuck to my "no drinking" policy that I had, but alas I didn't. I got way too moody, which I have found is a side effect of alcohol in me. I started moping, and that's ALWAYS the first sign. Then I got really hyper, then UBER depressed. I still think that when they told me I had depression a few years ago they got it wrong; I swear I can be SO bipolar, especially after a few drinks. I mean, I was with people I love, having fun! Why the hell did I run off to a bathroom to go cry?! Maybe it was telling my story of August 08, or maybe it was a little too much thinking about Zach, or the fact I was surrounded by 2 ex boyfriends (one I'm still a little hung up on and another I wish I could be better friends with) and being around cute couples. Probably all of the above. But all I know was that I felt I was attracting too much unnecessary attention on myself. Yet I did nothing to stop it. It's times like this I feel like "Traci". That girl NO ONE really wants there, but just shows up anyway. I know that some people really want me there, but I think most of the time I'm just a 3rd, 5th, etc. wheel to the group, just tagging along. I have said time and time again that I need more/new friends, but I always have an excuse. I'm too busy, I spend 99% of my time with high school students... blah blah blah. All just excuses. I could be more social if I really tried, but I just don't. I lack self confidence. I have the mindset "if I can barely keep the friends I have, how am I supposed to make more?" And honestly, I don't know how to function socially outside of drum corps. How does one make friends outside of the color guard world? Drum corps was the best and worst experience of my life in that way. I have some of the best friends ever thanks to it, but I really don't know how to make more friends outside of it. Add on some crippling shyness, and Violà! You have me in nutshell!

So yeah, that happened.

I'm just still whiny about it. I felt like such a debbie downer. When the boys send Annie in to see if I'm ok, I know that I've been too much of a drama queen. I almost feel like I should've stayed home. Too late now. I try too hard or not hard enough. I fail at social skills majorly.

It's kind of like this blog. I'm not going to lie, this is a bullshit, half-assed attempt at attention. Does anyone read this? Doubtful. Oh well...

Teaching is weird. Some times I'm like, ON! I had a kid tell me the other day she'll miss me when I leave and she gave me a hug... I think she was trying to suck up, but it worked haha. Then there's days like today, where if I don't do things EXACTLY like the regular teacher, I don't hear the end of it. I sometimes wish I could just yell, but I can't, obviously. This is my version of anger management, since I have one of the worst tempers I know haha. I have already learned SO much patience, but I still have so much more I need. I sometimes forget that History is second nature to me now, and that this shit doesn't come as easy to everyone. I have learned the hard way to make sure I REALLY think before I speak. I have offended several kids already with comments that were meant constructively or with the best intentions, but fell VERY short of their mark.

It's been an experience, that's for sure.

Ok, it's late, and I feel more and more like a loser as I type.

<3

Sorry, one more bitch for the evening... I feel like my ex boyfriend stole my best friend. Not cool dude, not cool. he sees/hangs out with her more than me.

I'm so tired of all my complaining, yet I keep doing it. I feel like I can do nothing right. I am always the bad guy in a situation where there is no bad guy. I want one thing and apparently I can't even have that. I feel really distant from the "world" since most people are already in school or have these things called lives/significant others. I firmly believe at least 50% of my moodiness is due to my over abundance of hormones right now, My only friend at the moment is my 17 year old brother. I know I'm kind of distancing people on my own, but still I'm just so freaking lonely right now. I need to get over myself. UGH! I was so tired around 9:30 but decided to stay up... now I'm not even sleepy anymore... My shoulder hurts to the point of causing me tears right now... Okay, I think my bitch-fest is over. I had to get that out my system. Tomorrow: Choreographing! I think I finished Pioneer's opener in my head on the way home from Santa Barbara. Hope I remember it/it's even possible.

Bitch-less Broadcasting

I feel like I've been complaining entirely too much in recent blogs, so this is my bitch-less post.

I almost, kinda, sorta, maybe know where I'll be student teaching! I started bugging the counselor, saying I need to know so I could make accommodations with the teams I coach, and also mentioned how the teachers/administrators at those schools would love to have me there, and I found out a request was made for me to be at Cal High, but Cal Poly hasn't heard back from the district/school. I told the band director at Cal and he right away made a call to one of the assistant principals to ask who deals with this stuff and explained my sich. Hopefully that helps speed up the process... in a good way :]

I'm excited for Cal this year. They are realistically behind what the band director wants drill-wise and with retention, but the talent level in the guard is very high. I think winter guard will be amazing. There is of course those girls you need to hold their hand as they do drill so they go to the correct dots, but I think even they are above the previous project children. I'm hoping for good things.

Pioneer is surprising me. I feel like I've already helped them become so much better. BUT tomorrow is the first time I will see them in over a week, so let's see what can be retained. I'm getting REALLY frustrated choreographing because their opener is SO long and repetitive. There is only so much that can be done with that music... at least that's realistic. I'm thinking tomorrow will be A LOT of cleaning and review. I forced myself to really work on choreo a few days ago, took the MacBook outside and watched clips of past Cal and PC shows for ideas, recorded myself to see what I liked and didn't. All that came of that is maybe 16 counts and another 12ish toward the end. Its really frustrating because I don't know drill or anything, so trying to teach a ripple or A/B work is pretty pointless. Hopefully before the next rehearsal with them (Wednesday) I can come up with something more substantial. (Actually, after watching the numerous videos I made, I think I may be able to piece together another minute's worth :D).

I have more to not bitch about, like getting my own room and buying a new TV, but I think it'll have to wait until next time. I need sleep, I've had a migraine on and off for almost a week now :/

<3

This is my place to take out my frustration, vent, and be just a little bit selfish.

I just want to start off by saying that I'm VERY happy for my sister. I really am. But this is I think why I am so frustrated.

I have done everything right. At least that's what my family and neighbors keep telling me. I spend my money, but I know when to save it. I finished my BA early, I'm already started on my career goals. I also understand the money situation going on with my family right now. Instead of enjoying my first free summer in years, I took on a full-time job that I really did not care for. I have held a job since my freshman year of college, and currently I have 2 guard jobs and 2 part-time (doing what I did all summer and special ED subbing). I am more realistic and understanding. And a little less high maintenance.

So someone explain to me why her life is going so right right now? I want my sister to be happy, but how does she have no money, never had job, and she has a fiancé, she's moving to Santa Barbara, and she just got home from her second roadtrip this summer? While I'm living at home, didn't get to go anywhere this summer, and don't even have a boyfriend.

I get how selfish this all is, and I guess that's why I'm getting it out here so I can stop holding it all in and finally be over it. But I feel like this is just so unfair. I'm not saying I want to get married. I do, but not right now. I would like a boyfriend though. And I have made NO secret of the fact I want to move out. This time next year is the goal. But how is it that I do EVERYTHING right, but I'm getting the short end of the stick? I have said that I feel like an old maid, and I honestly feel that way. I know so many people getting married. All I want to is to move out and have a freaking boyfriend. How much is that to ask for?

I feel stupid and childish just typing all of this. So I'm going to stop.

The Girl Who Hid Her Scars

I'm very into the Millennium Trilogy at the moment. I'm only about 65 pages into the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest but I'm so into the story. But I've been reading in basically every waking second of free time and I have a lot on my mind at the moment so I'm taking a short break. I already watched just about every version of the Swedish Tattoo trailer, so now I'm writing.

One of the things I love about Lisbeth Salander is that she's different. Lately, that's how I've felt. Not in such an extreme way as the character, but I feel sort of left out. Like I missed a memo somewhere. I went to a Cal Hi Color Guard reunion on Sunday. It was really crazy to catch up with people I haven't seen, let alone talked to in years. I think just about everyone was married/engaged, pregnant/had kids, or at least had a boyfriend and job. Granted, I'm one of the few who has finished their college degree, and I'm well on my way to my career, but I feel like I missed some thing that was important to "growing up."

It's hard for me to explain. It's probably also important to mention that I'm the only one who kept spinning after high school (not 100% true, one girl did a baby independent guard one year then SoCal Dream... all at age 18 btw. Another girl did Corona Light it's first year). I also did something that may seem out of character, I defended Jen. We get a long SO much better now than we did the first few years teaching together, and when one of the girls who would've been a senior my first year teaching the guard (and I should mention she, and almost all the others who were on the team at the time, quit because of Jen) said "is that bitch still there?" I answer with "She's NOT a bitch" without any hesitation. I also mentioned that we no longer do some of the traditions that were in place when I was in the guard. This upset people. Seriously, I hated doing that shit when I was in the guard. It was just dumb. I wasn't going to bring any of that back, and nor would Jen probably have let me. So I should explain. We would do this little cheer (I know right?!) where someone would yell "Hey color guard, go bananas!" and the guard would yell back "No way!" and that would repeat a few times until the guard gives in and says "Okay!" then does this little dance, singing "we peel to the left, we peel to the right, we peel to the front, then uh (insert grunt and pelvic thrust) take a bite, and uh take a bite and uh uh uh uh uh! take a bite." Like, seriously?! How is that appropriate?! Sorry, I'm so much an old lady in some of views. But anyway, I didn't get the point then, and I still don't. I was surprised at how... upset? some people got. Upset might be too strong of a word, but whatever.

I felt almost looked down on, or like people thought I was full of myself for staying with guard, let alone teaching Cal. This year is my 5th year there. Since then we have had 2 medals in winter guard, and done pretty damn well in field. We also teach them interesting/hard routines compared to when I was there. I really give all the credit for how I spin to Pacific Crest. I had a little talent when I started in 05, but damn, I really sucked haha. So did everyone at Cal. We just didn't know it. And we were okay with that. People were telling stories of rehearsals and things like they were Vietnam vets hanging out together reminiscing about battle. One girl I graduated with who started during winter freshman year and I talked a lot and she was saying how it was so weird that all of us didn't keep in touch as much, considering we spent basically every waking moment together for 4 years. She started going on and on about how we practiced so much and stuff, and I couldn't help thinking about how different my view of high school guard had become since doing drum corps. To me, high school guard is cake. After a long day of band camp, I'm almost anticipating another rehearsal block. Nothing I did in high school seems so hard. But I forget that for everyone else, that's all they have. There's nothing else to compare it to, so that makes it hard to really see it wasn't that bad.

I basically said the same thing over and over all night. I would have different people ask me what I was up to. I'd say that I graduated, getting my credential, teaching at Cal and Pioneer, and that was it. I felt like a broken record. Plus hearing about people's pregnancies and weddings made me VERY self-conscious. I'm not there... yet anyway.

So the real reason I'm writing is because I feel like this week will go on forever and yet it's already almost Wednesday. This week is a big week for so many reasons. For starters it's my last week of summer and at PacProp. I hate to say it but I will miss it. When I gave my notice last week they said I was always welcome back. They'd hire me full time if I could make it work, but with student teaching, and coaching 2 guards, probably not.. But there's always Christmas, Spring Break and next summer :]. This is also DCI finals week. I wish I could be there so bad. But unfortunately, I can't. Though, I found out I could have free tickets to finals night being a 2009 ageout haha. Too bad I live in California and Indianapolis too far away. So this means that PC is almost home, and along with it my best friend. She ages out Friday night. I'm so excited/proud of her.

Friday is also an important day. I plan on locking myself in my bedroom, drinking LOT and reading to get my mind off things. Friday is the 13th... which means 2 things... 2 horrible things. First, the 13th means that it is a another month with out Zach. Nine to be exact. And it was a Friday the 13th when he left us. So that makes it just a little worse. Next, it is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I can barely even talk about it. I don't usually refer to it so bluntly as just now. I usually say "what happened in August 08" which can easily throw people off who don't know. Zach and I broke up in August 08, I was sent home from tour on the verge of pneumonia... so I can get people off my case or talk about it without really thinking about it. It's kind of funny how the 2 most horrible days in my life kind of align. Zach was an important part of that day. I did sorta blame him at first. If he hadn't dumped me over the phone, I wouldn't have gone out with Melania and Jennee to get drunk and nothing would've happened... but I soon realized that it wasn't his fault at all, it was no one's fault. Except for the fucking prick who hurt me and got away with it. I lost a little bit of faith in the LAPD, and police in general, when he went free. There was no evidence and I didn't remember anything, nor did I want to ever talk to him or see him again. I pretty much refuse to talk to my family about it, or anyone. After it happened was a VERY bad time in my life. My parents became too over bearing and I basically shut them out. I still remember a conversation with Zach. We met for coffee to talk about the break up and what happened. He told me to see a therapist. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone. He told me a very private story about how it'd helped him and may help me. I never took his advice, but I am thankful he cared enough to tell me that story and offer me help even after we had broken up. I miss him so much.

Thursday Melania and I are spending PC's quarter finals performance time with Zach. He should be up on that podium. I love that Mark is there, but I still have a hard time see him there and not Zach. It will be emotional for sure. Especially with what the next day is. And I have to got teach High School after, so that should be fun haha.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with typing, so I'm going to read more or just watch a movie... guess which one...

Warning! Single Girl Venting

I know, I know. I complain too much about being single. Mostly because this is one of the few places I can get my frustrations out. I think I preface every one of these entries that way anymore, and though I probably have all of 2 readers, I still feel it necessary to note that I'm not ALWAYS focused on being miserably single. I do enjoy life and being single, promise. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a boyfriend too.

I know, like, way too many people getting married. I really, truly am happy for them. I mean that with all my heart. I love that people I know and care about have found the one person to complete them, their soul mate if you will. But when I see things on facebook that are pretty lovey dovey, coupley bull shit, I wanna cry. I want that. I want that so badly. I'm so focused on other things right now, paying off student loans, finishing my credential, helping out at home... I never do anything or go anywhere where I can meet people. The one boy who semi cares about me I push away simply because I know that nothing could and ever will happen. It's horrible. I want to be more out there. I attempted the online dating thing for a hot second then realized how many people on the internet can lie and stopped. I'm lonely.

I feel bad for my best friend. I almost feel like I put that loneliness on her too much. Whenever I'm upset or excited or whatever, I text/IM/call/talk to her about it. And that's not a bad thing. She's probably the first friend I've had that I could do that with and get that close to. I love that I have her there for me if I need her and even when I don't. But she does have a boyfriend and one of my biggest fears is getting in the way of her relationship with him. I don't want to be a nuisance. I don't want to be that girl. I especially don't want to be a third wheel. I love Mark, but I don't want to be in that position. And I'm sure they wouldn't want that either. I felt almost embarrassed when she told me that had talked about possibly hooking me up with one of his roommates. As much as I kinda want to meet a guy through my friends (since I figure it's a good way of meeting someone when you're shy, and making sure they aren't a creeper) I feel like "wow, am I that desperate?" And apparently they're good at the match making thing since they got some PC peeps together.

I don't know. I just saw a few too many soon-to-be-married gooey status updates and needed to vent. OH! I think I've mentioned this before, but OLIVIA is now saying how much she hates people talking about getting married. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SHUT UP! haha I get that he's gone for the summer and that sucks, but I have no one. I have no boyfriend. She's halfway to the married thing basically. Sans ring.

Anyway, I wanna read a little before bed. "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" is starting to get really good. It only took 300 pages for the story to really start haha.

Restless Summer Sunday

Today is one of those days. One of those days where nothing seems to satisfy. Nothing is enough to fill the boredom.

It's been a rather typical Sunday by all accounts. Slept in, nice breakfast. Watching a few hours of the History channel. Caught a movie with my brother. Now I'm sitting here. Watching fragments of movies while flipping through the channels.

I just want to get out.

There is something about today. Maybe it's the way the sun is angled, or... I don't even know. I just know that this is one of those afternoons. They usually happen in the summer time. Where the light comes through the windows in just the right way. Where things feel a little, stale. I really don't know how to describe it. It gives me this heavy, almost anxious feeling in my chest. Almost like building up for a scream. And that's kind of what I feel like, screaming. I want to just get out. Drive without a destination. Just get out, explore. But I'm also too paranoid of going places alone, and I know that realistically I shouldn't. I have work early in the morning, and I really shouldn't be wasting gas...

But the urge to get out of the house, to leave somewhere else... it's so strong I could scream.

I think sometimes that I read too much or watch too many movies. I get these pictures in my head. "Perfect" moments. And I just want to be in those moments. Right now, I want to be by the ocean. Just sit and listen to the waves, do some people watching. That would be perfect. Or even go to Downtown LA. I don't know why, but that just seems like the place to be right now. I wish there was a way to quench this thirst. To make this anxious feeling leave. But I don't want to go alone. I don't mind driving alone. But this void I'm feeling, it's one of those times where I feel like sitting with someone. I wish there was someone around that I could hang out with. Go on an adventure to look for that "perfect" moment to live in. And I'm sure I could find someone, but I'm not the best at looking.

So now I sit here. Perhaps I'll read something. Who knows. Even writing, which can usually settle my nerves, isn't helping with this feeling.

Oh how wonderful summer can be... if only I had someone with me to go on adventures

22 years, 362 days...

It's almost my birthday. It's weird to think that I'm almost 23. Not an exciting age, but still... it's one of those ages where it just sounds old. I feel old. An injury from 2007 has come back to haunt me. I've been babying a hurt shoulder for almost a week now. I even had to go to the doctors for another cortisone shot, it hurt. So that's been happening. I've been uber moody from PMSing. It's really sad that I KNOW that I'm being a little over the top, especially with my anger, but I just NEED to get it out. It's hard to explain. Olivia has decided that we're making these fucking curtains, I don't even want, yet I spent almost $100 on the materials for them, and I've done all the sewing thus far. It's really annoying, and especially with how moody I am, there has been a lot of yelling lately.

The shoulder thing has really made life suck, because I'm trying to lose 8 pounds, and when it hurts to move the shoulder, it's hard to do anything. I've been trying to wake up early every morning and go running, but I decided not to on Thursday and Friday, or over the weekend. So I ran about 2 miles last week. I'm going to try to do it every morning this week, but I already think that I may not on birthday. But then again, I may still run that day. I mean, I never thought the day would come when Olivia weighs 6 pounds less than me. I'm 133 according to Kaiser. I mean, that's not horrible, but I'd so rather be 120-125. So that's the goal for the summer: at least be 125 by the time I start school. I miss drum corps. I don't want to be that age out that suddenly gains a ton of weight. Yeah, yeah I'm not 300lb or something, but still this is a lot to me and I'm extremely self-conscious of my weight. I mean, I've always been small. I don't want to deal with people going "oh you put on a little" trying to be cute. That kills me. Hell, I get crap from my parents for wanting to eat a little healthier. I'm sorry I don't want to be over 200lbs. I hate saying it, but I don't want to be like my mom. It's in her genes, which means it's in mine too.

Sigh

I feel like a total jack ass now.

Anyway, so I don't even know what else to type about. I could complain a little about being single, how annoying Noah is when he sends me stupid things about Rock-a-sauras Rex, or how my heart is slowly breaking because PC will be leaving for tour this week, but I'm really annoying myself right now with simple dwelling on all of the above. I think I my just go to sleep. I needed to type a little bit.

Why is this so back and forth? Why do we have this seemingly, never-ending cycle for a relationship; where we hate each other, slowly start to miss each other, then it seems like we can really be friends... or maybe more... then it all comes crashing down? I really hate it. I want something real, something for sure, something that will last. I hate getting sucked into this. I really try not to but for some reason I keep coming back. I feel like this is one big game. When one of us gives in to talk to the other, that person loses. All I did was send an innocent text message right now, nothing like "I miss you so much" or anything, just a question about barbecue, and now I feel like I am a complete failure. I just lost the game.

I was watching a show earlier ("What I Like About You," haha I've seen almost EVERY episode) and the character Holly was talking about how she always goes back to this boy named Vince... and her sister was like "if you keep going back to him, what do you think that means?" and then Holly said something about loving him. It got me thinking about this situation.

Do I still love him? If you ask me the question out right, I will probably answer, without hesitation, no. Because to me, in my mind, I don't. He is nothing I want in a boyfriend. He is not someone I can see myself with in the long run. I'm a pretty low key girl; I don't party, I don't go to clubs... I'm really quite boring. I sometimes wish I was the girl who did all those things, but being the "boring" girl has led me to being a much stronger, independent person than I thought possible. I've already graduated college, started on the path to my dream career, and I'm only 22 (well, for a few more weeks anyway :]); and most of those party girls I know are either doing nothing with their degrees or still in college, or even dropped out. He is a lot like those party girls. He's in numerous rock/jazz/blues bands. He does drugs, and dropped out of college, where he had a FULL RIDE to a great school for his craft. These things make perfect sense to him, it's his dream life and he's already living it. I don't fit into that world, and I don't think I ever could.

Now, this is all on paper. On paper we have SO little in common, it makes you wonder why I keep having some sort of attachment to him. It's the other things, the things that don't really make sense on the page, that make me as attracted to him as a bug to a bug zapper. Seriously, think about it. The bug probably just watched a few of its friends get killed by this bright, shinning light, but it can't help but want to go to the light. I feel like that about this situation. As much as he is selfish and I can seriously hate him, he is funny. He has turned me on to so many new things, some of my favorite movies and songs. Granted, I can't be sure I don't just like those things because they remind me of him or if I really do like them, but still. Even when we hate each other, we can still have a good conversation. Most of the time that will turn into a fight, but it is usually resolved in the course of the conversation. We also get extremely jealous of each other. I thought this was just me, because I am just a jealous person (I hate that about myself, but it's who I am) but he gets JUST as jealous of people/boys I talk to. There is just something so... familiar about him. I feel safe. Despite the time or distance between us I can talk to him about (almost) anything... and even he can get excited about things in my "boring" life.

Maybe it is these things that don't show up on the page that keep bring me back to him. But is that really good? Is that healthy. I don't feel like it is. In fact, the last 7 months of my life have been devoted to pushing him away at every turn. This is not to say I haven't had moments where I broke, texting or calling him. But, going back to my little "game," I usually just sulk, complain to my best friend, and wait for when he gives in to contact me. I always say/feel like I win every time he calls me and I don't answer. Even now. My innocent BBQ question turned into a mini conversation... the first we've had in probably a week or so... and a month before that... and it was all because he kept texting me. all of my texts were ones that could have easily ended the conversation. But I still feel like I have "lost" this round because, I text him first, and I sent the last text which he did not respond to. Almost everything I say to him is katty and slightly bitchy... annoyed... because I get that way usually when I talk to him.

But the fact that lately, for some unknown reason, I have not been able to get him off my mind, that I have thought about giving in to call or text him and this was the first "legitimate" reason I've had to do so, and the conversation is over and I "miss" him... that makes me feel like the loser. I don't like losing this game. I don't even want to play it! I think most of my blogs have either been about him or Zach... it's really sad if you think about it. The ex-boyfriend I keep coming back to and the one that is really gone and I don't think I am/was ever over.

I swear, I need a new name to add to this blog haha. I need to find someone... and I need to actively search... it's been almost 2 years since Zach and I broke up... and he was my last "official" boyfriend (even though Noah and I did date on and off since then)... and I strongly dislike writing blogs like this, but I do it still... like I keep coming back to him... maybe that's just the person I am... who knows. I needed to vent though, get this all off my chest. I feel like I did just that. At least a little bit.

Trip

So I was offered the chance for a trip. A trip where I wouldn't have to pay anything (in theory). I was offered this trip at 2am, while half asleep. I said I would think about it, and answer when I was actually awake.

This was about a month ago. I still haven't officially answered. But I just gave an almost answer. I said yes, as long as it was before band camp. That doesn't necessarily work for the other person tho.

I always start off being vague, when I know people will already know who I'm talking about. Yes, Noah offered to fly my out to Memphis for a week. He's apparently moving home in a year, but wants to show me his life out there. It's kinda nice of him, but I have a life too... & it's not very often I have the ability to just take off to the other side of the country for a week. I'm working full time this summer, so even though I'm done with drum corps, doesn't mean I have a summer to just goof off. I was thinking, I'd say yes if he'd be willing to do it before I have to go to band camp, only for a few days instead of a full week, and preferably around my birthday, since I really don't have plans for that. Well this doesn't work for thim. He's trying to save up to visit his mom in Nebraska first, and that's in August.

So basically he wants me to come in the winter or fall, when it's all cold & shit. I can deal with the humidity & heat of summer. Cold? Snow? Rain? No. Just. No. Plus, like I said, I have a life. He may not be in school anymore (& trust, I'm still upset with him for dropping out) but I start student teaching in the fall. I'm working at 2 high schools while doing that, I still have to go to actual classes... this fall is going to be the hardest test of my abilities as a teacher yet. If I can survive this, then I think I'll be ready to be a real teacher. I can't just say, "hey, I'm peacing out to Memphis for a week." He was like "you have to have a little break in there somewhere." Yes, Noah, it's called Christmas. You know, that holiday most people spend with their families? I also told him that our friendship is so on-again/off-again I don't even know if we'll be on speaking terms that far ahead. We're only just starting to talk again now, & even then he pisses me off half the time.

You'd think that would mean I'd be whatever about visiting him. But seriously? I really want to. I would LOVE to go visit the South and not have it be with drum corps. That sounds like so much fun. Maybe it's because I'm still in my Gone With The Wind phase, but I really want to go visit the South. I would only want to stay a few days because quite frankly, his party lifestyle is just not me. We turned out to be 2 VERY different people. I am not a party girl at all. I like to drink and have fun with my friends, but not like surrounded by like 300 other people I don't know. That's just not my thing, at all. He said he would want to show me his life there, take me to one of his gigs. I'm fine with that. But a week of that? No thanks. Plus, I'm SO putting my foot down about the drugs thing. He'd have to be clean for me to go all the way out there. It's kind of funny, because I'm like putting all these stipulations to me taking HIS offer to PAY FOR ME to go out there. I'm sorry, I know this boy too well I'm not playing his games. He's going to have to play mine if he wants me out there.

The night he called to ask me to go to Memphis, he also told me he loved me & missed me. He hasn't done that in a very long time. I don't love him anymore, I miss him, but no love. There are feelings there, but I have no clue what you would call them. Most of the time I talk to him, I'm excited to see his name on me phone, but once I answer I'm just pissed off. Rarely do I enjoy talking to him. I think it's just hard to let go because he was my first love. I really do want a boyfriend and all that jazz, but I know Noah is not the right guy for that. I don't think he ever will be. We want very different things from life and quite frankly, I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to finding someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be waiting a long time, but once I find the right guy, the wait will have been worth it. So Noah telling me he loves me may be flattering, but also scares me.

I've been thinking about this a lot today & thought that I would just write it down because seeing the words helps me think through my thoughts.


Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&bID=535920488#ixzz0r32J9uEs

Laredo

I have been in love with Band of Horses for a few years now. I keep telling people how AMAZING their song The Funeral is, because it is honestly my favorite song.

Well, I didn't think anyone listened to me.

Skip to the other day when I was sitting in work & what comes on the radio? Laredo! The new Band of Horses single off their album Infinite Arms. I love the song, I do. But it's kind of like, FINALLY! & Laredo isn't even the best song on the album (I'm equally as smitten with Factory, On My Way Back Home, NW Apt. & Compliments)

But really folks, listen to some of their older stuff! I still say that The Funeral is the best song they've done, but here is my MUST list for this band.

- The Funeral (Everything All The Time)
- Monster (Everything All The Time)
- Is There A Ghost In My House? (Cease to Begin)
- No Ones Gonna Love You (Cease to Begin)
- Factory (Infinite Arms)
- Compliments (Infinite Arms)
- NW Apt. (Infinite Arms)
- Cigarettes, Wedding Bands (Cease to Begin)
- Dilly (Infinite Arms)
- Your Love Is Forever (A cover of a George Harrison song)
- Laredo (Infinite Arms)


I know this will probably not be read nor will people take my music advice, but I just thought I'd put it out there just in case :]

Freedom?

I know I haven't written anything in a while. Part of it is because I came to the realization that by putting something online, I'm making it known... it no longer belongs to me. Not really new information, I just realized that maybe I should start keeping things to myself. That, and I feel like I complain ENTIRELY too much, especially in my blogs. But oh well. Tis life. I'm procrastinating on my LAST assignment of the school year, and I'm so freakin' bored I'm considering working on this thing. Yeah, I'm that bored haha.

Let's see, where to start?

I've been applying for jobs like crazy. The realization that I barely have money available on my credit card and little money in my bank account has made me really nervous about the summer. I wanted to actually, you know, do stuff this summer. At this rate, I'll be lucky to pay bills, let alone get to so stuff. So yeah, that's been pretty stressful. Whatever. I've had 2 interviews. Didn't get either job, but I felt it was at least a good warm up. I sent in my resume for this job at the Boys and Girls club today. I'm pretty excited because I really want to work there. We'll see what happens. Hopefully they at least interview me.

I got accepted to student teach in the fall, but I still have NO CLUE where. Oh, and did I mention that I probably won't know until mid-September... after most school's have been in session for almost a month... Um... yeah, awesome. -__-. But whatever. I'm just excited that things are moving along in my career goals. I've already made the decision to go straight into grad school after I finish my credential. I mean, the likelihood there will be teaching jobs available this time next year is looking pretty thin. I figure, I will need to get my master's down the road anyway (because of how teacher pay scales go) so I may as well just get it now. Plus I can keep my in-school deferment on my loans... while acquiring more of them... oh joy. haha. I still have to figure out what to get my master's in. I'm kind of leaning toward education because I think it would help me be a stronger teacher, but I really love the idea of taking more history classes. I figure, if I don't make up my mind by November when all the applications are due, I'll just apply everywhere (i.e. Cal Poly Pomona, Cal State Fullerton, Cal State Long Beach... MAYBE SDSU, & U of La Verne) for both History and Education, then decide based on what programs I get accepted to.

I was kind of thinking of going back to UCI because I LOVED the History dept. there, but with the way the UC tuitions are going up, and the already ridiculous cost of living in Irvine, Cal States are the way to go. I did it the financially smart way, UC then Cal State. Olivia, on the other hand, is doing the opposite. I mean, it's a REALLY good thing she got a full ride to UCSB. I think she'll love it up there. Well, everything but Jeremy being down here haha. Her and my Dad had a "shit just got real" kind of talk tonight. She has been thinking that she can live in a quiet neighborhood, in her own apartment, off campus, living off giving flute lessons. Um, news flash sister, Santa Barbra ain't cheap. Olivia has never had a real job, and while I give her a hard time for it, I do it because I care. Like, seriously! She's 21! She has NO work experience. How does she expect to even be able to AFFORD living up there. She has NO money in savings, all the money she currently has is going toward this stupid road trip with Jeremy. I love her, and I just want her to be happy. But she has to be realistic. If she lived in the grad school dorms, she'd be perfect. It'd be covered by the full ride. BUT she doesn't like people. Like, really. C'mon! She get's a $500 allowance to pay for extra stuff, like books. But that's it. She has no money! At this point, she's commuting from Whittier to UCSB in the fall because she has nowhere to live. And HEAVEN FORBID she live where other college kids live, because they party and are loud. Dude, get over it! Make the best of a bad sich. She NEEDS to lighten up. Like, if ANYONE ever tells me I'm too picky or anything like that, I'll just have them meet my sister. The way I look at it, she has a good thing. My parents KNOW I want out of here. I want out of here so freakin' bad. But I'm trying to do the responsible thing and take care of my debt (which isn't as bad as other people I know), trying to find a (technically 3rd) job, I help out a HELL OF A LOT MORE around the house... I don't know. I just feel like she takes what we have for granted. And my parents have NO way of helping her. Like, business is seriously bad and it scares me. I've decided when I find a job I'm paying rent, even though they don't ask. I just want to help. I see my little brother, almost in college, and I get scared he won't have the chance OIivia and I had, just because of the stupid economy. Michael is smarter than BOTH of us, he deserves a great college experience.

So yeah. Just some rants. I think I'm getting sick. My throat has been killing me. It could also be that I've started using the ceiling fan in my room, and fans/AC always get me, but we'll see. Um... we did captain/drum major interviews at Cal today. I think my Bro has a good shot at DM, or at least Asst. DM. We'll see. My opinion is, of course, biased.

That's all I can think of for the moment. Not as much complaining... at least about myself, just complaining about Olivia :P

Au Revoir

I feel like I'm in one big in between.

I hate it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to feel so restless. I want something new. Someone new.

I have been having a lot of weird dreams lately. I don't remember them well, but they're VERY vivid and I don't sleep well. I always wake up tired anymore... well, for the last week anyway. Most of the dreams have Noah in them. I just talked to him not too long ago. It was the third night in a row that he called me, and he sent me a message on facebook of links to videos he wanted me to watch of him performing. I told him I didn't watch them, and basically just sounded really annoyed when I was on the phone with him, I think the call lasted 3 minutes, if that. I honestly don't know if I was really annoyed or acting annoyed because I feel like I should be annoyed. I know he's no good for me. I know this and I let him in still. I'm tired of it. I want something new dammit, and he's still trying to pull the same ol' bullshit. I did watch a little of the videos he sent me. I couldn't watch them all the way through because I really did get annoyed. I just think about things like how he dropped out of school, he's still a party animal, and pot smoker... he's not the sweet Noah that I have dreams about...

I want to know what these dreams mean, so I looked up the things in a dream dictionary. Apparently I'm facing my past or some such shit? I don't know. I had a really weird dream last night that he actually wasn't in. In it they were like letting me march this summer even though clearly™ I've aged out, but then I was faced with having to choose between winter guard next year, or summer this year, because of money. I think it was because I fell asleep trying to decide whether or not to go to Lealta auditions this weekend. I was going to go, but I don't really have the money for it (only $30, but still) and I kind of want my weekend. And it is mother's day weekend after all, I should be home with my mom. So I sorta lied and said that I had family stuff come up. Really, I wanted to have a weekend. But I still want to go. I miss spinning so much and I love all those people. But it's a lot of time and work to get down there. I will do summer program and all that good stuff, and I'm driving down next weekend for banquet, so I'll still see all my friends soon.

I tried applying for a bunch of jobs today. Let's hope I hear something soon. I really want to be working full time this summer. It hit me today I have 1 or 2 more pay checks coming my way from Cal for the school year, that's about $1000... I need more than that to get through the summer and have a life. So let's hope I hear something. Also, I still haven't got my check for Cal this month, so here's hoping that it's the mail tomorrow (they still have Saturday mail right?). Well, I was really just a little frustrated, so I decided to write something. I really do have other things going on in my life, I swear I don't just sit here complaining... though it does account for some of my time :] I mean, I have my teaching credential stuff going for me, which I'm like throwing myself into at the moment. So yeah. All right. time for bed...

<3

Want, Need, Have

On my way home from hanging out with friends last night I got very reflective.

Actually, that's a lie.

I was reflective before I even left. I was especially reflective after sending an impulsive text message to Memphis. And I continued to be reflective as I drove down the empty freeway at 1 in the morning.

These things happen... but why?

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Just as a side note, that does inform this a bit, I was talking with some friends about a person who doesn't seem to be able to start a sentence without I, Me, This one time I, Mine... basically without reference to herself. I feel like that's how 99.9% of my blogs are, and even some of my conversations with people, and that bothers me a lot.

As I was saying (ugh, again with the "I"), I've been thinking. I've noticed that things seem to fall into 3 indiscreet categories: Things I want, Things I need, and Things I have. Some of these things are really obvious, like I want more money, I need some money, I don't have much money.

But not everything is really that cut and dry.

There are some things I don't have, that I definitely want, but I'm not sure I need. Other things I need but I don't want.

It's all so complicated.

Sometimes... Not even that, ALL the time, I know I think too much. I'm in my head far too often. Not sure where I heard this quote but I love it, "get out of your head! It's nice out here in the real world." I feel like me telling myself that isn't enough though. I need more motivation. See, another need.

So, as I was thinking about it, these were some of the things that I need, somethings I want, and others that I may or may not have. Nothing about my thought process is linear, so if anyone actually reads this, good luck.

Of course the first thing on my list of wants is a boyfriend. I'm fucking over being single (For anyone who has EVER given me a hard time about always having a boyfriend, I've been single for almost 2 years, I have a right to want a relationship damn it!). I don't tell many people this, but one of my biggest fears is being a lonely old woman, or not finding "the one" until I'm too old to have children. I want to grow old with someone, not grow old then find someone. I know, I know... I'm 22! I'm not old by any means (unless you're DCI or WGI, but that's another story haha), but I'm never in the situation to meet someone new. I just finished winter guard, where the boys are more girly than I will probably ever be. I go to school with people who are at least 6 years older than me for the most part and most of them are married. I work at a high school, and there are so many things wrong about finding a boyfriend there it's not even remotely funny. So what does that leave me? I mentioned to my best friend I think friends are my only resource for finding a boyfriend, and she talked to her almost boyfriend to see if he knew anyone. While I love that she did that, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel?! I don't want to beg my friends for dates. The ONLY time a friend has ever set me up on a date it was with their older brother, which was fun, but definitely didn't feel any sparks.

I have a hard time opening up and making friends. I try, but I know I don't try enough. I'm not an outgoing person, and it's not a trait easily learned. If I were making a list (which I very well may), being more out going would probably be second or third on the wants, and first one the needs. I'm pretty confident most of the wants and needs could be taken care of simply by being more out going. I could probably enhance some of the haves too with more out going-ness.

So much easier said than done.

For needs, a job is pretty high on the list. I have been working on it. I send out applications, but school makes my availability pretty limited. It's so Catch-22: I need a job, so I go to school so I can get a good job, but in the mean time it keeps me from getting a job to simply make ends meet. I've also thought that a job would be an excellent place to meet a boy, but whatever haha. Like I said, I'm working on it, it's just hard to make things work with going to school at night and having Cal in the morning.

This leads me to something I do have. I do have Cal Hi. As frustrating it can be sometimes, I do have a job there where I realistically don't have to do all that much. Yes, I do a lot, but I know it's not like working at Target or something more mature. I'm grateful to have something.

I feel like I'm organizing my thoughts too much right now.

The way I look at it, here's where I want to be:
Teaching history somewhere in Southern California, preferably San Diego (Lealta got me hooked on that place :]), teaching guard and perhaps spinning.

That's it. I want the husband and kids and all that "American Dream" stuff, but for some reason, I can't see it. That scares the crap out of me. I want to see it, but I don't know. I sort of feel like I don't need it, which also scares me. Mostly because it's a new way of thinking for me. As little girls most of us, at least me any way, are taught that you get married, have babies, maybe work, maybe not. I've always been taught that was the way to go about things. I know it's what I've always wanted, so why is it so hard to see it?

I guess the main point of this is that wants, needs and haves don't necessarily line up. Our perceptions of these things is constantly changing, even if the things themselves don't.

...

To get a little out of character for me, I'm going to get a tad religious. I'm not the most religious person in the world, I've mentioned this before. I joke I'm the black sheep in the family because I don't go with them to church (which has nothing to do with religion, just church in general... but another conversation for another time). But this doesn't mean I don't believe in God. With all this thinking I've been doing I've been wondering what the plan is. I know what my plan is, but what about His plan? I mean, maybe I haven't found a boyfriend because I'm not supposed to yet, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have one. I don't know. I hate not knowing because I don't like not having control, but He's really the only one with control. I don't know. Like I've said, a few times now, I'm NOT really religious, so even me talking like this right now feels foreign to me. But I guess that's how it is?

I don't know how much is me still being frustrated and how much is me just not wanting to work on school work right now. I should probably focus on something I need to do, like this assignment. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of this want, need, have conversation (is it a conversation if I'm doing all the talking?), so I may write something about this again when I clear my head a bit and can quit writing in circles.

Ciao.

Lame Attempt @ Poetry

I do everything I can to not think about you.

not talk about you.

not call you.

not text you.

when all I want to do is hear your voice.

I miss you more than I want to.

I hate it.

its hard to fight the urge to call you.

especially late at night.

when the loneliness is too much to handle.

soon my resolve will strengthen.

it always does.

something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.

but for now, it's hard to hold it back.

"A tree for all these problems"

"Well hey, they just like monsters.... though to say we got much hope... if I am lost it's only for a little while..." (Monsters - Band of Horses)

I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.

I'm feelin' pretty lonely.

Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.

It's really upsetting.

I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".

I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.

But I miss my PC friends.

It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.

Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.

There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.

UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.

<3

Happy Birthday

Dear Zach,


Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.

I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.

I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.

I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.

I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.

I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.

I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.

Love,

Samantha

Dear You

Yes, you.

You know who you are.

Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.

I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.

I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.

Especially over you.

Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.

Have a nice life,

Samantha

Trying To Sleep With A Broken Heart

Don't let the title fool you, I'm not heartbroken. I'm just very anti-Valentine's day, and even though it was yesterday, I'm STILL anti-Valentine's day lol. i just feel really restless right now and thought that writing would be a really good thing to help it. (And the title is the name a song we use for warmup at Lealta.)

It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.

Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.

In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.

So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.

I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.

Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.

<3

Too Frustrated For School

I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.

So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.

Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.

Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.

That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.

But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.

I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.

So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.

That's how I feel about Noah.

I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.

But I still miss him.

I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.