Trip

So I was offered the chance for a trip. A trip where I wouldn't have to pay anything (in theory). I was offered this trip at 2am, while half asleep. I said I would think about it, and answer when I was actually awake.

This was about a month ago. I still haven't officially answered. But I just gave an almost answer. I said yes, as long as it was before band camp. That doesn't necessarily work for the other person tho.

I always start off being vague, when I know people will already know who I'm talking about. Yes, Noah offered to fly my out to Memphis for a week. He's apparently moving home in a year, but wants to show me his life out there. It's kinda nice of him, but I have a life too... & it's not very often I have the ability to just take off to the other side of the country for a week. I'm working full time this summer, so even though I'm done with drum corps, doesn't mean I have a summer to just goof off. I was thinking, I'd say yes if he'd be willing to do it before I have to go to band camp, only for a few days instead of a full week, and preferably around my birthday, since I really don't have plans for that. Well this doesn't work for thim. He's trying to save up to visit his mom in Nebraska first, and that's in August.

So basically he wants me to come in the winter or fall, when it's all cold & shit. I can deal with the humidity & heat of summer. Cold? Snow? Rain? No. Just. No. Plus, like I said, I have a life. He may not be in school anymore (& trust, I'm still upset with him for dropping out) but I start student teaching in the fall. I'm working at 2 high schools while doing that, I still have to go to actual classes... this fall is going to be the hardest test of my abilities as a teacher yet. If I can survive this, then I think I'll be ready to be a real teacher. I can't just say, "hey, I'm peacing out to Memphis for a week." He was like "you have to have a little break in there somewhere." Yes, Noah, it's called Christmas. You know, that holiday most people spend with their families? I also told him that our friendship is so on-again/off-again I don't even know if we'll be on speaking terms that far ahead. We're only just starting to talk again now, & even then he pisses me off half the time.

You'd think that would mean I'd be whatever about visiting him. But seriously? I really want to. I would LOVE to go visit the South and not have it be with drum corps. That sounds like so much fun. Maybe it's because I'm still in my Gone With The Wind phase, but I really want to go visit the South. I would only want to stay a few days because quite frankly, his party lifestyle is just not me. We turned out to be 2 VERY different people. I am not a party girl at all. I like to drink and have fun with my friends, but not like surrounded by like 300 other people I don't know. That's just not my thing, at all. He said he would want to show me his life there, take me to one of his gigs. I'm fine with that. But a week of that? No thanks. Plus, I'm SO putting my foot down about the drugs thing. He'd have to be clean for me to go all the way out there. It's kind of funny, because I'm like putting all these stipulations to me taking HIS offer to PAY FOR ME to go out there. I'm sorry, I know this boy too well I'm not playing his games. He's going to have to play mine if he wants me out there.

The night he called to ask me to go to Memphis, he also told me he loved me & missed me. He hasn't done that in a very long time. I don't love him anymore, I miss him, but no love. There are feelings there, but I have no clue what you would call them. Most of the time I talk to him, I'm excited to see his name on me phone, but once I answer I'm just pissed off. Rarely do I enjoy talking to him. I think it's just hard to let go because he was my first love. I really do want a boyfriend and all that jazz, but I know Noah is not the right guy for that. I don't think he ever will be. We want very different things from life and quite frankly, I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to finding someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be waiting a long time, but once I find the right guy, the wait will have been worth it. So Noah telling me he loves me may be flattering, but also scares me.

I've been thinking about this a lot today & thought that I would just write it down because seeing the words helps me think through my thoughts.


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