So I figured I'd do the super typical "Let's talk about all the things that happened this year" topic that 99% of bloggers/vloggers/people in general do at the end of the year.
I don't know how much detail I want to get into, I actually do have a rather busy New Years Eve planned. Long story short, it's the first time the guy I like is coming over, so I plan on cleaning the house thoroughly today.
Alright. I guess we'll do the bad and the good. Bad first because I want to get the depressing stuff out of the way off the bat so I can move past it faster. The biggest, saddest thing that I can think of off the top of my head is getting rejected from my dream job. I interviewed for a teaching position at the school where I have been a substitute teacher and coach for years... and they gave the job to another sub. It was heartbreaking. You don't even want to know how much I cried that day. I barely kept it together while still on the phone with the Principal. The worst part? I still work there! I'm still do 99.9% of my substitute teaching there... I'm still a coach there... I still have to be on campus 5 days a week... I just don't get to be a real teacher. It was so hard to go there for rehearsal with my guard kids the SAME DAY that I found out I didn't get the job. Luckily one of my best friends was able to come too so that if I just broke down and sobbed during rehearsal, I had back up (this was before my assistant coach was on the scene). The first time I had to sub for the year was actually for a possible long term job, that ended up only being a week long. It was super tough to see the people I interviewed with for the first time after... knowing that they don't think I'm good enough... yet. I add the yet because one of the good things that also happened this year was that I've gotten better at the things that kept me from getting the job. They were worried about my classroom management skills. So the band director I work with has been pushing me and making me be outside my comfort zone a bit so to work on building those skills. My guard kids have been my guinea pigs all Fall.
Ok, let's see... I had my heartbroken by one of my best friends. Now, if you've read any of my past blogs you know that I refer to a certain ex as Asshat. This year actually started off really well with Asshat. He invited me to Palm Springs for New Years, we had a fantastic night. And while on that mini trip, he told me how much he loved me and how he'd been considering the possibility of us getting back together. A little background, we dated in high school for about a year and a half, he dumped me but we never lost touch. We've been in each other's lives a decade! And we have this really bad habit of getting into a cycle of acting like we're in a relationship but without there being anything there... which is just a polite way of saying we spend all our free time together and have sex, but no title of boyfriend/girlfriend. So, shortly after this New Years trip, I begin to get my hopes up that maybe things will change, that we'll actually be together. If you watch How I Met Your Mother, this is definitely an "Oh honey..." situation. He soon got in a relationship with a girl from Palm Springs. The irony is terrible (I may be misusing irony, whatever). We started talking so much less, even though he tried to make it clear he still wanted me in his life. But when you think about it, that's actually really selfish. Did he consider if I wanted him in my life? He has broken my heart more times than I can count, and I'm hoping that in 2014 I will remember that. Anyway, we had a lot of ups and downs this year, and it's ending on a bit of down, but more on that later.
Um, I almost lost one of my other best friends this year. Long story short, we went on a trip together that actually put a little bit of a strain on the friendship. We've since made up and things are better, but I still don't feel like we're quite back to how things were before. But the way I look at it, we're both doing very different things right now, and we have our own lives, and we're still there for each other. Like all relationships, friendships ebb and flow; we're just coming out of an ebb. She's still one of my best friends and always will be.
I'm trying to think of anything else "bad" that happened this year... I can't really think of anything in particular. I guess this means it wasn't a terrible year haha.
GOOD THINGS!!!!
Ok, obviously this has to be number 1.... I GOT MY MASTERS! Yes, I finished the majority of my Master's project this year and graduated in June. I have the project leather bound on my bookshelf right now. I'm so relieved to be done with school for good... well, maybe haha. It was such a tough experience. I felt that I really did not try as hard as I could have when I was an undergrad. I almost felt like I didn't deserve to graduate (My ending GPA was a 3.08, which is good, but to me was as bad as failing...). With my Master's (and my credential for that matter) I really tried my best. Not that I don't use History all the time, but I knew that all of my Education classes were only going to help me be a better, more effective teacher. So I actually did all of the reading (well, 90% of it... I'm also all about the percentages today, apparently). I had so many sleepless nights. So much coffee. So much yelling at my computer every time my advisor would send me comments about how I'd have to change everything I just turned in. It was so much work, and while the pay off isn't quite there yet, when I get my first real job and my paycheck jumps because of that extra diploma... :). So yeah, it was good times.
Work! The girl I had been working with for about 7 years decided to leave. Now, it's no secret that we did not get along well. Toward the end of the time we worked together, she would barely say more than 2 words to me. I felt like my job was to babysit when she wasn't there, or to just clap. It wasn't like we hated each other, we're just really different personalities that were not a good combination. She was very out there and bossy... I'm pretty subservient. I know that there is so much more I could've done to make the situation better, but she could have done more too. It was kind of like a rut that neither of us seemed to make too much of an effort to remedy. So when she left, it was a bit scary because I became the head coach and, even though I had been coaching for years, I had very little clue what I needed to do behind the scenes because she never asked or let me help with that stuff. It is still a learning experience. But the girl I work with now has been so much fun to work with! Our personalities are so much more alike, we get a long, we work together to solve problems and get things done. It's been a great few months and I'm so excited to see what we can do with Winter Guard this year (as in school year).
This has been a year of taking chances. I almost said this was a year of growth, but that's every year (whether you realize it or not). I'm a very timid, shy, nervous person. I think that this year I've been a little bit better about stepping outside my comfort zone. I had some bad stuff happen in the past that kind of caused me to take a few steps back in that department, but this year I think I made huge steps forward. I think relationships have been one of those places of major growth. I mean, tonight I'm going out (well, staying at my house, but whatever) with a boy that I asked out. I took a chance letting myself fall for someone who wasn't Asshat. And I'm not sure where it will end up, but it's exciting and I'm so happy that I'm ending this year with someone like him in my life. Ugh, I'm making myself a little sick talking like this haha. I've been trying really hard not to let myself put up any barriers, and just be myself when I'm around him. Even my friend has commented that I act very comfortable with him. And in a way I am, and at the same time I could not be more afraid of this situation because letting yourself give into these kinds of feelings is scary as fuck. haha. I've typed this a million times throughout my blogs; I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 21... the last boy I dated died... I haven't really let myself open up to the idea of seriously dating someone else in a long fucking time (which sounds weird because I complain about not having a boyfriend so much... but the idea actually scared the crap out of me). There were some other bad things in there too that make me very cautious of trusting boys. So the fact that I put myself out there this year is a big deal. (I started this last year though, to be fair, but it's kind of paying off this year). Now, I said before that this is a down moment for me and Asshat; this is why. Because I now have this new person in my life, I really don't want Asshat in my life. I actually had a very telling experience on Christmas. In the past, Asshat has invited himself over and even if I didn't particularly want him over, I'd say yes and he'd come over and kind of out stay his welcome. This Christmas he tried to do this. I answered the phone and said, "I guess" when he asked to come over. But I thought it over and he was not the boy I wanted to see on Christmas. So I text him back that it wasn't a good time, and I haven't heard from him since. I'm spending New Years Eve with the boy I want to spend time with, not Asshat. And it feels good to be taking charge a bit.
So peace out 2013. It's been a thing... yep... Bye!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Short Mountain Excursion
*This is the edited version because I wrote this half awake the other night and rereading it the next day drove me mad!*
I could not have had a better time this weekend.
So my friend, her husband, the guy I'm seeing (not technically boyfriend, yet), and myself went up to the mountains. Now, quick disclaimer, this may get a little NSFW. I'm not gonna give all the deets, but enough of them.
Anyway, we left yesterday afternoon, we got in my friend's car and first set out for food, because traffic sucked and food is always good. We stopped in Monrovia to get some pho. What I noticed this weekend is how quickly body language can change when you're starting to see someone. During this part of the weekend, I was still very shy and nervous. The first time we went out, it took forever for me to get the courage to lay my head on his shoulder, and I never even worked up the courage to kiss him. So this encounter, I was still very shy. I'm better about silly things like looking him in the eye when we talk, trying to be myself as much as possible... but generally I'm shy, walking ahead of the group because I don't want to deal with the pressure of whether or not we're going to hold hands. Things like that. (This was pretty much the opposite of the body language today).
We finished our pho and headed up to the mountains. It was a long drive. Sad part is, he actually lives closer to the mountains than our friends who drove, but he still wanted to drive with us, so he had already made a big part of this drive once already. I did my silly little, "I'll leave my hand in the middle and maybe he'll grab it" trick. It didn't really work (I think we finally started holding hands toward the end of the drive, but things might just be blurring together). We got to the mountain house where we were staying, unloaded the car and promptly went about making sure things like the water worked. My friend and I had been talking through text messages and code in front of the boys so I could express my extreme nervousness and my general overthinking anxieties. While the boys went about making sure the water and heat worked, we talked a little more candidly, where she just giggled about everything.
Now, I'm not too proud of this, but I did need a little liquid courage to loosen myself up a bit. And this had been a planned weekend of intoxication. So before the first game of the evening had been explained, I had already finished my first beer, a shot of whiskey, and started my second beer. I was purposely drinking fast; figured get it in my system early, and stop relatively early too. I also gave myself a limit and was good about stopping at that limit (4 beers, 1 shot, nothing else). The altitude made the drinks hit a little bit harder than normal, and I'm a lightweight as is. (Not the last time the altitude played a role in how things went this weekend). Anyway, we filled the night with silly games. While my friend's husband tried to explain the rules to a game, I started making a house out of game tiles, and trying to be as cute as possible to the guy I like (I found out later I was very successful in this). We played games for hours.
Eventually, after everyone had had enough to drink and was a little too intoxicated for games, so we decided to head downstairs to the TV room to watch a movie. Now, I had reached my limit for the evening, so I wasn't really all there, and excessive amounts of alcohol make me sleepy. Honestly, I only remember maybe 5 minutes of the movie. Yep, I fell asleep! Before falling asleep, the guy I like and I got on one couch, my friend and her husband on the other. I laid my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me... and from there on I only remember little flashes of the movie (which is kind of disturbing because we were watching Pan's Labyrinth, so its weird things I remember). Since I was asleep for most of the movie, I don't remember this, but my friend said that he just kept rubbing my arm, like he was drawing little circles. She said he even bent down and kissed the top of my head at one point. I remember the circles (because he does that a lot, and so do I), But I don't remember the head kiss. Adorable.
NOW FOR THE ADULT STUFF! So after the movie ended, my friend and her husband (who was the most drunk) excused themselves to go to bed. The guy and I stayed (I woke up when they were leaving). Star Trek had started playing after Pan's Labyrinth, so we started to watch that. We did not get very long into the movie. It kills me that I already can't remember all the details and order of events. First it started with us kissing for the first time. I had been kissing his hand that he had wrapped around me, and he was kissing my head and I don't remember who instigated, but we eventually just kissed, an actual kiss. This ended up moving from just a kiss to full on making out. This making out escalated pretty quickly, to me getting on top of him and him trying to undress me. I suggested going to the bedroom, and he agreed. We proceeded to gather our stuff and turn off the TV (like good guests), going into the guest room. We fooled around a little for a while. Eventually something made me get super shy and self conscious, and I just kind of laid there blushing as he hold me how attractive he thinks I am, and how he'd been checking me out all night (and I had apparently been oblivious to it). Without knowing it, he picked out things that I'm actually SUPER self conscious about and told me how much he likes them (usual things like weight, legs, butt... you get the picture). To kind of ease the nervousness a little more, he figured out how ridiculously ticklish I can be, and proceeded to just lightly touch me everywhere just to get me to giggle.
Now, remember how I said altitude played a factor in how things went? This is where that comes into play. As we had been making out and such, I eventually told him to go get my purse from upstairs because I had a condom in it. (I did not plan on using said condom, but I brought it just in case because better safe than making poor choices). He stops me, saying he already has one with him next to the bed (so maybe he had planned on using one haha). And this is where I can't write too much detail, because 1) no one wants to hear this stuff, 2) he will kill me if he ever reads this one day. So you know how in higher altitude your blood pressure can drop? And you know how blood pressure is a big factor in male parts... So as to not have to write any more details, basically the altitude lowered his blood pressure too much for him to do anything, so we did not end up needing the condoms haha. He jokingly said after our last failed attempt, "Well, I guess we'll just have to try again closer to sea level." To which I agreed.
So we continued to fool around a little until well after 6am. We finally curled up and went to sleep. I woke up before him (I think) and just laid there, enjoying the comfort of laying with him. I did not want to move or even speak, I did not want to spoil the moment. Eventually our friends knocked on the door to get us up because it was already after 10am and they wanted to get all the sheets in the washer. So we start getting up, and the guy suggests we shower together to conserve water. I agreed, but this did not become the steamy shower situation you'd think. The water heater was apparently not working, and our friends had failed to inform us of this. So the two of us were trying to keep each other warm while we braved the literally freezing cold water (my friend and her husband could hear us screaming and laughing from upstairs...). The rest of the day was spent walking around Lake Arrowhead with our friends. He held my hand or put his arm around me any possible chance. Even after we returned to our friends' house in Pasadena we continued to hold hands and cuddle as much as possible. Even when we went out to dinner that night, we held hands under the table and one of our friends threw a napkin on top of our hands, scolding "there are children around!" To cut the story a little short (because let's be honest, I didn't sleep much and it's already after midnight), at the end of the night, he walked me back to my car, we hugged a long time, then he kissed me goodnight... I'm not great at goodbyes, in fact I hate them. But this particular goodbye really sucked because even though this date (if you want to call it that) had been going on for over 24 hours, I still did not want it to end. My friend pointed out that I am very comfortable with him, which isn't very in character for me. I have a hard time getting to know people and being comfortable around them. I'm still not completely comfortable around him (despite now having seen each other naked), but I'm more comfortable than I thought I would be.
It was a fantastic weekend. I'm on cloud 9 right now.
I could not have had a better time this weekend.
So my friend, her husband, the guy I'm seeing (not technically boyfriend, yet), and myself went up to the mountains. Now, quick disclaimer, this may get a little NSFW. I'm not gonna give all the deets, but enough of them.
Anyway, we left yesterday afternoon, we got in my friend's car and first set out for food, because traffic sucked and food is always good. We stopped in Monrovia to get some pho. What I noticed this weekend is how quickly body language can change when you're starting to see someone. During this part of the weekend, I was still very shy and nervous. The first time we went out, it took forever for me to get the courage to lay my head on his shoulder, and I never even worked up the courage to kiss him. So this encounter, I was still very shy. I'm better about silly things like looking him in the eye when we talk, trying to be myself as much as possible... but generally I'm shy, walking ahead of the group because I don't want to deal with the pressure of whether or not we're going to hold hands. Things like that. (This was pretty much the opposite of the body language today).
We finished our pho and headed up to the mountains. It was a long drive. Sad part is, he actually lives closer to the mountains than our friends who drove, but he still wanted to drive with us, so he had already made a big part of this drive once already. I did my silly little, "I'll leave my hand in the middle and maybe he'll grab it" trick. It didn't really work (I think we finally started holding hands toward the end of the drive, but things might just be blurring together). We got to the mountain house where we were staying, unloaded the car and promptly went about making sure things like the water worked. My friend and I had been talking through text messages and code in front of the boys so I could express my extreme nervousness and my general overthinking anxieties. While the boys went about making sure the water and heat worked, we talked a little more candidly, where she just giggled about everything.
Now, I'm not too proud of this, but I did need a little liquid courage to loosen myself up a bit. And this had been a planned weekend of intoxication. So before the first game of the evening had been explained, I had already finished my first beer, a shot of whiskey, and started my second beer. I was purposely drinking fast; figured get it in my system early, and stop relatively early too. I also gave myself a limit and was good about stopping at that limit (4 beers, 1 shot, nothing else). The altitude made the drinks hit a little bit harder than normal, and I'm a lightweight as is. (Not the last time the altitude played a role in how things went this weekend). Anyway, we filled the night with silly games. While my friend's husband tried to explain the rules to a game, I started making a house out of game tiles, and trying to be as cute as possible to the guy I like (I found out later I was very successful in this). We played games for hours.
Eventually, after everyone had had enough to drink and was a little too intoxicated for games, so we decided to head downstairs to the TV room to watch a movie. Now, I had reached my limit for the evening, so I wasn't really all there, and excessive amounts of alcohol make me sleepy. Honestly, I only remember maybe 5 minutes of the movie. Yep, I fell asleep! Before falling asleep, the guy I like and I got on one couch, my friend and her husband on the other. I laid my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me... and from there on I only remember little flashes of the movie (which is kind of disturbing because we were watching Pan's Labyrinth, so its weird things I remember). Since I was asleep for most of the movie, I don't remember this, but my friend said that he just kept rubbing my arm, like he was drawing little circles. She said he even bent down and kissed the top of my head at one point. I remember the circles (because he does that a lot, and so do I), But I don't remember the head kiss. Adorable.
NOW FOR THE ADULT STUFF! So after the movie ended, my friend and her husband (who was the most drunk) excused themselves to go to bed. The guy and I stayed (I woke up when they were leaving). Star Trek had started playing after Pan's Labyrinth, so we started to watch that. We did not get very long into the movie. It kills me that I already can't remember all the details and order of events. First it started with us kissing for the first time. I had been kissing his hand that he had wrapped around me, and he was kissing my head and I don't remember who instigated, but we eventually just kissed, an actual kiss. This ended up moving from just a kiss to full on making out. This making out escalated pretty quickly, to me getting on top of him and him trying to undress me. I suggested going to the bedroom, and he agreed. We proceeded to gather our stuff and turn off the TV (like good guests), going into the guest room. We fooled around a little for a while. Eventually something made me get super shy and self conscious, and I just kind of laid there blushing as he hold me how attractive he thinks I am, and how he'd been checking me out all night (and I had apparently been oblivious to it). Without knowing it, he picked out things that I'm actually SUPER self conscious about and told me how much he likes them (usual things like weight, legs, butt... you get the picture). To kind of ease the nervousness a little more, he figured out how ridiculously ticklish I can be, and proceeded to just lightly touch me everywhere just to get me to giggle.
Now, remember how I said altitude played a factor in how things went? This is where that comes into play. As we had been making out and such, I eventually told him to go get my purse from upstairs because I had a condom in it. (I did not plan on using said condom, but I brought it just in case because better safe than making poor choices). He stops me, saying he already has one with him next to the bed (so maybe he had planned on using one haha). And this is where I can't write too much detail, because 1) no one wants to hear this stuff, 2) he will kill me if he ever reads this one day. So you know how in higher altitude your blood pressure can drop? And you know how blood pressure is a big factor in male parts... So as to not have to write any more details, basically the altitude lowered his blood pressure too much for him to do anything, so we did not end up needing the condoms haha. He jokingly said after our last failed attempt, "Well, I guess we'll just have to try again closer to sea level." To which I agreed.
So we continued to fool around a little until well after 6am. We finally curled up and went to sleep. I woke up before him (I think) and just laid there, enjoying the comfort of laying with him. I did not want to move or even speak, I did not want to spoil the moment. Eventually our friends knocked on the door to get us up because it was already after 10am and they wanted to get all the sheets in the washer. So we start getting up, and the guy suggests we shower together to conserve water. I agreed, but this did not become the steamy shower situation you'd think. The water heater was apparently not working, and our friends had failed to inform us of this. So the two of us were trying to keep each other warm while we braved the literally freezing cold water (my friend and her husband could hear us screaming and laughing from upstairs...). The rest of the day was spent walking around Lake Arrowhead with our friends. He held my hand or put his arm around me any possible chance. Even after we returned to our friends' house in Pasadena we continued to hold hands and cuddle as much as possible. Even when we went out to dinner that night, we held hands under the table and one of our friends threw a napkin on top of our hands, scolding "there are children around!" To cut the story a little short (because let's be honest, I didn't sleep much and it's already after midnight), at the end of the night, he walked me back to my car, we hugged a long time, then he kissed me goodnight... I'm not great at goodbyes, in fact I hate them. But this particular goodbye really sucked because even though this date (if you want to call it that) had been going on for over 24 hours, I still did not want it to end. My friend pointed out that I am very comfortable with him, which isn't very in character for me. I have a hard time getting to know people and being comfortable around them. I'm still not completely comfortable around him (despite now having seen each other naked), but I'm more comfortable than I thought I would be.
It was a fantastic weekend. I'm on cloud 9 right now.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Blues
Happy holidays! The holidays are supposed to be about family coming together and the love felt from that. Now, I am not really a big fan of the holidays. It's kind of hard to pick one particular reason, but family is part of it. I should start by saying that I love my family and I feel so lucky to have them. That being said, family can really be a pain during the holidays. I apologize in advance for the bitchfest that may ensue.
My sister and I used to be great friends. We were really close in school since we're only a year apart, but once we finished high school something changed. I'm not exactly sure when this happened. I like to say it was when she went to college, had a bad roommate, and became really OCD about things. We had always shared a room. Our house wasn't that big, so it made sense to have the 2 girls share a room and my brother get his own room. So, from the time my sister was born until I was 24, we shared a room. She never really seemed super sensitive to things when we were growing up. I'd be on the computer late, we had our phone line and I'd get calls from boys late at night (pre-cell phones), I'd stay up late playing games or watching TV... she'd sleep through it all (I've always been more of the night owl). After having a bad time with her first college roommate, she became super particular about things and really nitpicky. She was like that before too, but it just got WAY worse. We've always fought like siblings do, but things got really bad.
I don't want to make it sound like my sister and I are on the worst of terms, because we're really not. But we really are not as close as we used to be. In high school, even if we weren't sisters, we would've been friends. Since high school, there's very little that we can relate to each other. She's really health conscious and into cooking. I like crafts (crocheting & sewing), video games and baking. She has her husband and her dog, but she's not super close to any of her friends anymore. I have my close group of friends, and the kind of sort of boy I'm talking to at the moment. We're both at really different points in our lives now and that's put a big rift on our relationship. It makes this time of year really hard.
My sister and her husband moved to New Jersey shortly after they got married (probably 6 months after). When they moved out there, I remember it was really tough on my sister because she got really homesick for home and our mom. One of the things my sister and I have in common is how shy we can be and how homesick we get (me a little more so than her, but yeah). They've driven out here for the holidays the last few years with their dog. Now, to make this already long story shorter, the one time I went to visit them in New Jersey was not the most pleasant experience, and they're dog does not seem to like me very much (and I am actually pretty scared of it). Keeping that in mind, there is some tension there just from that experience. There's also the long history of silly fights when we were both living under the same roof after we had finished college (kids, money issues suck, let me tell you). When her and her husband were still dating and we shared a room, it was incredibly annoying having to wait to be in my own room until he left for the night (because they didn't care if I was in there, they'd be all over each other, and that's just awkward).
My sister has been here about 2 weeks. Not that long when I only see her about 3 weeks out of the year now... I've already had to take a vacation from her, and I wish I could take another one. We get on each other's nerves so much. I know that I do TONS of things that bug her. She thinks I'm always mad or yelling at her (which isn't the case, despite what I've typed thus far). I'm not as tidy or quiet as her. So, I know that as much as I complain, she has a million things she'd probably say about me. It's just so hard to not have these kinds of fights. Earlier today, we got in a silly fight because I was mad at something else entirely, and even though I made sure to repeat a few times I wasn't mad at her, she still acted like I was mad at her and she was the victim. Before that our dog ran away, we both went running up the street to catch her. I didn't care how the dog got out, I just wanted the dog to be ok. Before we had even reached the dog she looks at me crying, accusing me of being mad at her for the dog getting out (at the time I didn't even know she had accidentally let the dog out). We can both be drama queens about each other, and bless our mom for putting up with all the venting we do about each other to her.
My little brother, on the other hand, is like my savior. My brother and I have the opposite kind of relationship that my sister and I have. When we were little, I remember being more annoyed by my brother than anything. There is 5 and a half years between us. Apparently when he was little, I helped him with his homework (because I had more patience than my sister). I remember being the "translator" for him because he did have some speech problems when he was little (I was "Som" instead of "Sam" for many years. Our sister was "Ea" instead of "Olivia"). But I don't think it was until he started high school that we really became close. I was coaching the color guard while he was in the band, so we saw each other all the time at rehearsals, I hung out with him on trips to Disneyland and the Fair... we had a lot more in common. I always say it's because I'm just a little immature (even though people are always telling me I'm so mature... this always makes me laugh on the inside). Even now, as my baby brother is in his 3rd year of college, he's still one of my closet, best friends. Granted, we don't talk about boyfriends/girlfriends (I think he'd be too scared to tell me if he was dating anyone hah), we still talk a lot and he turns to me for advice a lot.
My parents are amazing people. I love them so much, even if they are still really overprotective of their 26 year old daughter. I'm the first born, so I will forever be the guinea pig child that they worry too much about. Now, the last few years have been really tough since my dad's business (he's self employed) isn't doing the greatest. I've helped them out a lot financially, and I know that I could probably afford to live on my own right now if I didn't help them out. But I couldn't do that (despite how desperately I just want to be completely independent). The struggle is hard and real... and it really sucks around the holidays. I really don't care that I don't get some big fancy present at Christmas. My parents have gotten me some pretty amazing things when I was little (Gameboy with Pokemon Yellow and an American Girl doll definitely stick out in my mind). But that's really not what it's about. You can say it's about the birth of Jesus, you can say it's a commercial holiday created by card/toy companies... whatever. It's really about appreciating the people around you that you care about. But sometimes that thought of having to buy nice things for people doesn't go away. I can see the pain in my parents eyes when there aren't stacks of presents to open Christmas morning. I told my mom that all I really want this year is a tea kettle and maybe more sweaters (because I have a problem... a sweater addiction...). Nothing fancy! But my parents still want to give us everything and it breaks their hearts that they can't. They know how badly I just want to get a real teaching job and a place of my own, and they hate the fact that over the last few years I've loaned them over $6,000 when I can barely afford to pay my own bills...
So that makes the holidays suck. I don't want them to feel bad. I don't want to hate being around my sister...
Then there's the whole "relationship" thing. Did you think I'd actually write a blog where I DIDN'T talk about boys? For the last 5 years I've joked that I've become a grinch. You know how they say you notice all the people in love around you when you're not in love? Well, that's how I feel all the time, but it gets SO much worse around the holidays. Seeing people at parties with their significant other, seeing all the engagement posts that flood FB this time of year... I just feel completely, and utterly alone. This year is somewhat different. Actually, the last 2 years have been a little different. Last year I had me unofficially on again, off again ex around. This year I have a boy that I really like and I think likes me too. It's weird being me sometimes. I feel like nothing is ever clear, or I just don't see it that way... I'm overthinking again... Anyway, I'm one of those girls that care get INCREDIBLY bitter around the holidays because I have no one to share them with. That has really made me hate the holidays. Throw into that when my ex died shortly before Thanksgiving a few years back... that was incredibly hard. Ugh, I may make myself cry thinking about it.
But yeah, these are a few of the reasons I don't really care for the holidays. I actually didn't do a great job of saying anything in this post. There is so much detail I'm leaving out, because I'm not the best writer and this is a blog not a novel. I do appreciate the friends I have because they really make it better. They're the family you pick. Like this weekend, I went to Yuma with my friend (who's been trying to set me up with this guy) to visit our other friend who lives out there. It was a great trip. We talked so much in the car. We stayed up late playing games and talking, we went on random adventures... it was a great trip that I really didn't want to end. And at the same time, there is now the potential of a another trip this weekend... this time to the mountains... and this time including the boy I like... this could be fun... I'm hoping it happens... and I'm also hoping for the holiday to go by quicker to get to the weekend... Well, enough complaining for tonight. Merry holidays!
My sister and I used to be great friends. We were really close in school since we're only a year apart, but once we finished high school something changed. I'm not exactly sure when this happened. I like to say it was when she went to college, had a bad roommate, and became really OCD about things. We had always shared a room. Our house wasn't that big, so it made sense to have the 2 girls share a room and my brother get his own room. So, from the time my sister was born until I was 24, we shared a room. She never really seemed super sensitive to things when we were growing up. I'd be on the computer late, we had our phone line and I'd get calls from boys late at night (pre-cell phones), I'd stay up late playing games or watching TV... she'd sleep through it all (I've always been more of the night owl). After having a bad time with her first college roommate, she became super particular about things and really nitpicky. She was like that before too, but it just got WAY worse. We've always fought like siblings do, but things got really bad.
I don't want to make it sound like my sister and I are on the worst of terms, because we're really not. But we really are not as close as we used to be. In high school, even if we weren't sisters, we would've been friends. Since high school, there's very little that we can relate to each other. She's really health conscious and into cooking. I like crafts (crocheting & sewing), video games and baking. She has her husband and her dog, but she's not super close to any of her friends anymore. I have my close group of friends, and the kind of sort of boy I'm talking to at the moment. We're both at really different points in our lives now and that's put a big rift on our relationship. It makes this time of year really hard.
My sister and her husband moved to New Jersey shortly after they got married (probably 6 months after). When they moved out there, I remember it was really tough on my sister because she got really homesick for home and our mom. One of the things my sister and I have in common is how shy we can be and how homesick we get (me a little more so than her, but yeah). They've driven out here for the holidays the last few years with their dog. Now, to make this already long story shorter, the one time I went to visit them in New Jersey was not the most pleasant experience, and they're dog does not seem to like me very much (and I am actually pretty scared of it). Keeping that in mind, there is some tension there just from that experience. There's also the long history of silly fights when we were both living under the same roof after we had finished college (kids, money issues suck, let me tell you). When her and her husband were still dating and we shared a room, it was incredibly annoying having to wait to be in my own room until he left for the night (because they didn't care if I was in there, they'd be all over each other, and that's just awkward).
My sister has been here about 2 weeks. Not that long when I only see her about 3 weeks out of the year now... I've already had to take a vacation from her, and I wish I could take another one. We get on each other's nerves so much. I know that I do TONS of things that bug her. She thinks I'm always mad or yelling at her (which isn't the case, despite what I've typed thus far). I'm not as tidy or quiet as her. So, I know that as much as I complain, she has a million things she'd probably say about me. It's just so hard to not have these kinds of fights. Earlier today, we got in a silly fight because I was mad at something else entirely, and even though I made sure to repeat a few times I wasn't mad at her, she still acted like I was mad at her and she was the victim. Before that our dog ran away, we both went running up the street to catch her. I didn't care how the dog got out, I just wanted the dog to be ok. Before we had even reached the dog she looks at me crying, accusing me of being mad at her for the dog getting out (at the time I didn't even know she had accidentally let the dog out). We can both be drama queens about each other, and bless our mom for putting up with all the venting we do about each other to her.
My little brother, on the other hand, is like my savior. My brother and I have the opposite kind of relationship that my sister and I have. When we were little, I remember being more annoyed by my brother than anything. There is 5 and a half years between us. Apparently when he was little, I helped him with his homework (because I had more patience than my sister). I remember being the "translator" for him because he did have some speech problems when he was little (I was "Som" instead of "Sam" for many years. Our sister was "Ea" instead of "Olivia"). But I don't think it was until he started high school that we really became close. I was coaching the color guard while he was in the band, so we saw each other all the time at rehearsals, I hung out with him on trips to Disneyland and the Fair... we had a lot more in common. I always say it's because I'm just a little immature (even though people are always telling me I'm so mature... this always makes me laugh on the inside). Even now, as my baby brother is in his 3rd year of college, he's still one of my closet, best friends. Granted, we don't talk about boyfriends/girlfriends (I think he'd be too scared to tell me if he was dating anyone hah), we still talk a lot and he turns to me for advice a lot.
My parents are amazing people. I love them so much, even if they are still really overprotective of their 26 year old daughter. I'm the first born, so I will forever be the guinea pig child that they worry too much about. Now, the last few years have been really tough since my dad's business (he's self employed) isn't doing the greatest. I've helped them out a lot financially, and I know that I could probably afford to live on my own right now if I didn't help them out. But I couldn't do that (despite how desperately I just want to be completely independent). The struggle is hard and real... and it really sucks around the holidays. I really don't care that I don't get some big fancy present at Christmas. My parents have gotten me some pretty amazing things when I was little (Gameboy with Pokemon Yellow and an American Girl doll definitely stick out in my mind). But that's really not what it's about. You can say it's about the birth of Jesus, you can say it's a commercial holiday created by card/toy companies... whatever. It's really about appreciating the people around you that you care about. But sometimes that thought of having to buy nice things for people doesn't go away. I can see the pain in my parents eyes when there aren't stacks of presents to open Christmas morning. I told my mom that all I really want this year is a tea kettle and maybe more sweaters (because I have a problem... a sweater addiction...). Nothing fancy! But my parents still want to give us everything and it breaks their hearts that they can't. They know how badly I just want to get a real teaching job and a place of my own, and they hate the fact that over the last few years I've loaned them over $6,000 when I can barely afford to pay my own bills...
So that makes the holidays suck. I don't want them to feel bad. I don't want to hate being around my sister...
Then there's the whole "relationship" thing. Did you think I'd actually write a blog where I DIDN'T talk about boys? For the last 5 years I've joked that I've become a grinch. You know how they say you notice all the people in love around you when you're not in love? Well, that's how I feel all the time, but it gets SO much worse around the holidays. Seeing people at parties with their significant other, seeing all the engagement posts that flood FB this time of year... I just feel completely, and utterly alone. This year is somewhat different. Actually, the last 2 years have been a little different. Last year I had me unofficially on again, off again ex around. This year I have a boy that I really like and I think likes me too. It's weird being me sometimes. I feel like nothing is ever clear, or I just don't see it that way... I'm overthinking again... Anyway, I'm one of those girls that care get INCREDIBLY bitter around the holidays because I have no one to share them with. That has really made me hate the holidays. Throw into that when my ex died shortly before Thanksgiving a few years back... that was incredibly hard. Ugh, I may make myself cry thinking about it.
But yeah, these are a few of the reasons I don't really care for the holidays. I actually didn't do a great job of saying anything in this post. There is so much detail I'm leaving out, because I'm not the best writer and this is a blog not a novel. I do appreciate the friends I have because they really make it better. They're the family you pick. Like this weekend, I went to Yuma with my friend (who's been trying to set me up with this guy) to visit our other friend who lives out there. It was a great trip. We talked so much in the car. We stayed up late playing games and talking, we went on random adventures... it was a great trip that I really didn't want to end. And at the same time, there is now the potential of a another trip this weekend... this time to the mountains... and this time including the boy I like... this could be fun... I'm hoping it happens... and I'm also hoping for the holiday to go by quicker to get to the weekend... Well, enough complaining for tonight. Merry holidays!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Overthinking Overload.
So I've been known to overthink on occasion.
Okay, let's be honest, if there were a country of over-thinkers, I'd be the Queen... or President if it was a democratic nation... (I digress)
Still, this is a bit of a problem as overthinking isn't really a productive trait. So let's make it one!
Overthinking topic of the day:
Where do you draw the line between being cute and being clingy?
AKA the Overly Attached Girlfriend problem.
So as I've written before, I've become a bit enamored with this guy. And as mentioned before, things have been going at a pretty slow pace, which is completely fine. BUT the more attached I get to people (not limited to people I like in a romantic fashion; friends too) the more time I want to spend with them. I feel that this is completely normal. Or at least that's what I tell myself so I don't feel like a weirdo.
So I become attached and I want to spend more time with people, but there is the problem of time. See, time is a limited resource, and I usually have more free time than most people. This particular guy does not have an abundance of free time. While he does have more at the moment because school is on break, it is still significantly less free time than I have. With time being limited for people and there being so many things to do in that little bit of time, getting together with people can become an issue.
And that brings me to overthinking!
Last night, while half awake, I began thinking (RED FLAG!). If I've done the math in my head correctly, the soonest I can see this guy again is after Christmas. In the scheme of things, that's really not terrible. That's a little over a week from now. I don't go on dates often, and I'm not sure what the "protocol" is in these situations, but about 2 weeks between dates isn't that long, right?
Now to my problem: that's not soon enough for me. I want to see him again, like now. I sound like an impatient child, and let's be honest, I usually am one; patience is not my strong suit. Is it weird that I want to see him again so soon? I just saw him Saturday... for a really long time. First dates are not usually an all day event. I "talk" (text) to him every night. Granted, he's usually working during the hours when we text and I have to wait hours (usually) between responses. Still, we converse pretty regularly.
Okay, let's be honest, if there were a country of over-thinkers, I'd be the Queen... or President if it was a democratic nation... (I digress)
Still, this is a bit of a problem as overthinking isn't really a productive trait. So let's make it one!
Overthinking topic of the day:
Where do you draw the line between being cute and being clingy?
AKA the Overly Attached Girlfriend problem.
So as I've written before, I've become a bit enamored with this guy. And as mentioned before, things have been going at a pretty slow pace, which is completely fine. BUT the more attached I get to people (not limited to people I like in a romantic fashion; friends too) the more time I want to spend with them. I feel that this is completely normal. Or at least that's what I tell myself so I don't feel like a weirdo.
So I become attached and I want to spend more time with people, but there is the problem of time. See, time is a limited resource, and I usually have more free time than most people. This particular guy does not have an abundance of free time. While he does have more at the moment because school is on break, it is still significantly less free time than I have. With time being limited for people and there being so many things to do in that little bit of time, getting together with people can become an issue.
And that brings me to overthinking!
Last night, while half awake, I began thinking (RED FLAG!). If I've done the math in my head correctly, the soonest I can see this guy again is after Christmas. In the scheme of things, that's really not terrible. That's a little over a week from now. I don't go on dates often, and I'm not sure what the "protocol" is in these situations, but about 2 weeks between dates isn't that long, right?
Now to my problem: that's not soon enough for me. I want to see him again, like now. I sound like an impatient child, and let's be honest, I usually am one; patience is not my strong suit. Is it weird that I want to see him again so soon? I just saw him Saturday... for a really long time. First dates are not usually an all day event. I "talk" (text) to him every night. Granted, he's usually working during the hours when we text and I have to wait hours (usually) between responses. Still, we converse pretty regularly.
But that's not enough for me. There is a big difference between texting, or even talking on the phone, and spending time in person. As a shy, socially awkward individual, texting really is a great form of communication, but in person helps to build confidence and connection to who you're talking to. I feel like I'm not being very clear, but basically once I'm comfortable with someone I prefer talking in person. Especially with this guy. We've been talking for a long time, and I think we talked more in that one day than we really ever had between all the texts and the one phone call we've had. I want to experience that again.
I've kind of convinced myself that if he ever saw these blog posts, he'd probably think I'm a crazy person, but luckily we haven't taken the step of being "friends" on social media yet. There was a point to this originally. I'll find it again, eventually.
Alright, so I've been debating whether me wanting to see him again so soon is considered "clingy." This is something past romantic partners have told me. I know that I get really attached really fast and that is not a good thing. But is it weird for me to text him something like, "I really wish we could go out again sooner"? I've even taken to debating when is a good time to text him. A very legitimate reason that he texts me first 99% of the time is that I don't know when is too early to text him. Part of this is me not wanting to wake him up. The whole working until the middle of the night thing is foreign to me, so I'm not really sure what hours sleeps/wakes up. I know this could easily be remedied by me asking him when he sleeps, but I feel like that's intrusive/I've already established that I'm pretty bad at asking what seem like simple questions. The other part of me is worried that it will come off as weird if I text him earlier than I usual time. I panic over silly things like this, thinking, "What if he isn't thinking about me as much as I am about? (probably not) And what if it's not a good time? What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"
So I've over thought the timing of texts so much so that he texts me first, and I usually wait a few minutes to respond so it doesn't seem like I'm so overly eager to talk to him. I guess this is me trying to play hard to get, but mostly it's me trying not to be clingy. Like I said, things are going pretty slow, am I moving to fast to text him more often, or just earlier in the day? Am I overly attached if I tell him I want to see him again? These are questions that are legitimately bothering me. I get anxiety over them. I've been up since probably 6:30am (partly because I forgot to turn off my work alarm, partly just thinking), and I'm really stressing out about this. I'm trying to think in my head of ways to see him sooner (like completely calling off my trip to Yuma on the off chance I could see him on Friday, which I don't think I could do, but I've been floating the idea in my head anyway).
I've been typing this post on and off for a while now. I'm sitting here really feeling like I'm going to have/having a panic attack. I don't want to screw this up, and I really feel like I will. And the irony is that I know thinking like that is what can screw this up. I'm pretty sure that he likes me, and that me texting him isn't going to scare him away. If I didn't scare him away on Saturday talking about how much of a klutz I am, right before tripping (like, I couldn't have timed it better if I tried), or by telling him how much of a geek I am over Jurassic Park stuff, or excitedly pointing at the screen and telling him how excited I am for the Divergent movie when the trailer came on... I don't think texting him in the middle of the day is going to chase him away.
Ugh. Dating... this is why I haven't done it in so long... I make it so damn complicated when it doesn't need to be...
I've kind of convinced myself that if he ever saw these blog posts, he'd probably think I'm a crazy person, but luckily we haven't taken the step of being "friends" on social media yet. There was a point to this originally. I'll find it again, eventually.
Alright, so I've been debating whether me wanting to see him again so soon is considered "clingy." This is something past romantic partners have told me. I know that I get really attached really fast and that is not a good thing. But is it weird for me to text him something like, "I really wish we could go out again sooner"? I've even taken to debating when is a good time to text him. A very legitimate reason that he texts me first 99% of the time is that I don't know when is too early to text him. Part of this is me not wanting to wake him up. The whole working until the middle of the night thing is foreign to me, so I'm not really sure what hours sleeps/wakes up. I know this could easily be remedied by me asking him when he sleeps, but I feel like that's intrusive/I've already established that I'm pretty bad at asking what seem like simple questions. The other part of me is worried that it will come off as weird if I text him earlier than I usual time. I panic over silly things like this, thinking, "What if he isn't thinking about me as much as I am about? (probably not) And what if it's not a good time? What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"
So I've over thought the timing of texts so much so that he texts me first, and I usually wait a few minutes to respond so it doesn't seem like I'm so overly eager to talk to him. I guess this is me trying to play hard to get, but mostly it's me trying not to be clingy. Like I said, things are going pretty slow, am I moving to fast to text him more often, or just earlier in the day? Am I overly attached if I tell him I want to see him again? These are questions that are legitimately bothering me. I get anxiety over them. I've been up since probably 6:30am (partly because I forgot to turn off my work alarm, partly just thinking), and I'm really stressing out about this. I'm trying to think in my head of ways to see him sooner (like completely calling off my trip to Yuma on the off chance I could see him on Friday, which I don't think I could do, but I've been floating the idea in my head anyway).
I've been typing this post on and off for a while now. I'm sitting here really feeling like I'm going to have/having a panic attack. I don't want to screw this up, and I really feel like I will. And the irony is that I know thinking like that is what can screw this up. I'm pretty sure that he likes me, and that me texting him isn't going to scare him away. If I didn't scare him away on Saturday talking about how much of a klutz I am, right before tripping (like, I couldn't have timed it better if I tried), or by telling him how much of a geek I am over Jurassic Park stuff, or excitedly pointing at the screen and telling him how excited I am for the Divergent movie when the trailer came on... I don't think texting him in the middle of the day is going to chase him away.
Ugh. Dating... this is why I haven't done it in so long... I make it so damn complicated when it doesn't need to be...
Monday, December 16, 2013
The Date.
I went on my first real date in a long time over the weekend.
To start with, here is a post I wrote immediately after the date on Tumblr.
Part of me is so excited and happy right now. I couldn't have asked for a better first date. I mean, we hung out for 13ish hours alone and I know I didn't want it to end, and he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to leave either. The other part of me is so afraid of getting my hopes up (even though they're pretty damn up right now).
Earlier today I talked to asshat on the phone. He was calling to say hi and of course he asked about my date because he saw it on twitter. Now, to the uneducated eye it would appear that I was posting things on twitter just so he'd see them and possibly get jealous. Maybe Sam from a few months back did stuff like that, but I was honestly just wanting to tell someone, and thought that twitter was a better alternative than texting my friends who have already heard too much about me being silly over boys. Plus, my family doesn't follow me on twitter, so I can post things there without them asking a bunch of questions. Asshat getting jealous or anything is a side effect. So aside from asshat not understanding why I feel awkward talking to him about this guy, he was very adamant that he's happy for me and that he wants me to be happy with this guy. I appreciate that, I guess. Not that I was looking for his blessing. Part of me feels like a jerk because I was definitely not very happy for him when he was dating someone not too long ago. But times have changed.
Asshat brought up a good point though while we talked on the phone. He said something along the lines of, "this guy kinda came out of nowhere, huh?" And I corrected him, pointing out that this guy and I have been texting since August. I actually remember the first time we text, it was the day after I got my horrendous speeding ticket. Part of the reason I was speeding (part... because anyone who drives with me knows I speed anyway haha) was because I was so excited. Why was I excited? I was leaving a party at my friend's house, and she had been saying for probably a year that she wants to hook me up with this guy. I'd met him at a few parties, thought he was cute, but never really got to know him. At this particular party, I made a point to talk to him. It was really easy. I'm usually super shy, and I was still shy, but I really tried to be much more relaxed than I usually am around people I don't know well. I found that we had a few things in common. He made me laugh a few times. So when I left the party, I was too afraid to give him my number myself, but I told Summer that if he wanted it, she could give it to him. That's when I left, feeling a little bit of a rush for actually taking a chance... and ended up getting a ticket for going 92 mph. At least it made for a great conversation starter when he text me for the first time the next day.
I want to say that was August 20th? Maybe the 21st? So basically the end of August. For a while we would probably text a little bit here and there, every other week or so. Then we started texting a little more frequently, about every other day. He'd remember things that I had said a few weeks before, like what days I had shows, and text me to say have a good show or ask how things went. He told me on our date that he can be a little oblivious to things, and he definitely was (we missed freeway exits and got lost a few times haha not to mention the hints I tried to drop to get him to hold my hand), but for someone who doesn't think he's observant, he thought to take me to Universal Studios because he remembered I had a pass for there... I mentioned that once probably a few months ago.
Since about Thanksgiving (which I know I already blogged about, so I won't rewrite all that again) we've been talking pretty much every day. I'm one of those people that assigns ring/text tones for people so that I know who is calling/texting me before I even look at my phone. Every time I hear the tone I set for him, I smile automatically. (Coincidently, he text me as I wrote that. He has perfect timing in his texts sometimes). He usually texts me first, but we just text periodically throughout the night while he's at work. Not gonna lie, we usually end our conversations with me falling asleep because he doesn't get off work until really late and I try to stay up as late as I can. Soon his schedule is going to have him working a lot later and a lot longer.
But he'll have more days off. And he's already said he wants to go out again soon.
When he walked me to the door at the end of the night and I said I really had fun and would want to do it again, he started listing all the free time he's going to be having soon.
But the point is (yes, there was a point), this isn't like any of my other relationships. This feels like it's moving at a snails pace in comparison. I've been talking to him longer than some of my past relationships have lasted haha. Now, I'm not saying I want things to be at lightning speed. I'm a little disappoint we didn't kiss on our date, but at the same time it's really kind of nice that there's like a build up. I've felt like my last few relationships (aka all the ones from drum corps) were like matches. When you strike a match is burns bright, hot and fast, then it's gone. I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships have been. Especially the last few. Those were years ago. It sounds cheesy, but I'm older and smarter now. I don't want some quick thing where I'm broken hearted after 2 months. I'm at the point where I'm dating to find someone worth staying with for the long run. Do I think this guy is that someone? I don't know yet. And that's ok. I will not lie, I would definitely want to be his girlfriend. But I also want to know a little more about him first. I mean, I'm still learning basic things about him, and vice versa. I don't mind if this is a slow burn.
I'm just being a little love sick puppy right now. I guess it's better than my usual cynical, melancholy self. Stupid things that I guess would be considered normal for a date seemed like such a big deal to me. Things like he picked me up, he opened doors for me, he paid for me... The last time I went out with a guy, and it wasn't even an official date, I was paying for everything, I was driving. He was super sweet. I don't know.
I've been kind of psyching myself out today though. I've told people now that I've been out with this guy. My family knows (I met him outside when he got here because I was not going to have him come to the door when my entire freaking family is here), I told my guard kids today (that's a story in itself), and now asshat knows. My besties have already heard everything haha but now it seems more fragile because I've told more people. I told one of my friends that I'm now paranoid that he'll lose interest now that I've told people. Of course it's a silly, irrational, irrelevant fear. But since when am I rational?
To start with, here is a post I wrote immediately after the date on Tumblr.
So that's Cliff's Notes version.I had a great date today! I’m still too giddy to sleep.He took me to Universal Studios. We went on rides. We talked in line. There were a few awkward silences because I’m a quiet person, but it’s ok because he didn’t seem bothered. He paid for EVERYTHING, which is a big deal because I haven’t been on a date where I wasn’t the one paying in a long time. I got to fangirl like crazy over the Jurassic Park ride. We cracked jokes about the ridiculous Transformers line. We made comparisons to other theme parks. We road the backlot tram and he put his arm around me cuz I got cold. Then we talked around more. We looked around a comic book store at the City Walk. We saw these little Doctor Who toys and he bought me one. I threw out the suggestion of seeing the Hobbit (half serious, half joking). He liked the idea and we were like perfect timing for the show. I finally got him to hold my hand about half way through the movie, when I gave up on subtly putting my hand on the arm rest between us and basically just laid my head down on his shoulder, and he took that as a cue to grab my hand. He didn’t let go the rest of the movie. We went to get mexican food and stayed until we were the last ones in the restaurant. Drove home, had more conversations. I got nervous when he walked me to the door and just went in for a hug… I wanted to kiss him but was too shy… I don’t know when I turned into a little girl about things, but yeah. I’ve been home for probably an hour, and I’m still smiling. I believe I am smitten. :)
Part of me is so excited and happy right now. I couldn't have asked for a better first date. I mean, we hung out for 13ish hours alone and I know I didn't want it to end, and he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to leave either. The other part of me is so afraid of getting my hopes up (even though they're pretty damn up right now).
Earlier today I talked to asshat on the phone. He was calling to say hi and of course he asked about my date because he saw it on twitter. Now, to the uneducated eye it would appear that I was posting things on twitter just so he'd see them and possibly get jealous. Maybe Sam from a few months back did stuff like that, but I was honestly just wanting to tell someone, and thought that twitter was a better alternative than texting my friends who have already heard too much about me being silly over boys. Plus, my family doesn't follow me on twitter, so I can post things there without them asking a bunch of questions. Asshat getting jealous or anything is a side effect. So aside from asshat not understanding why I feel awkward talking to him about this guy, he was very adamant that he's happy for me and that he wants me to be happy with this guy. I appreciate that, I guess. Not that I was looking for his blessing. Part of me feels like a jerk because I was definitely not very happy for him when he was dating someone not too long ago. But times have changed.
Asshat brought up a good point though while we talked on the phone. He said something along the lines of, "this guy kinda came out of nowhere, huh?" And I corrected him, pointing out that this guy and I have been texting since August. I actually remember the first time we text, it was the day after I got my horrendous speeding ticket. Part of the reason I was speeding (part... because anyone who drives with me knows I speed anyway haha) was because I was so excited. Why was I excited? I was leaving a party at my friend's house, and she had been saying for probably a year that she wants to hook me up with this guy. I'd met him at a few parties, thought he was cute, but never really got to know him. At this particular party, I made a point to talk to him. It was really easy. I'm usually super shy, and I was still shy, but I really tried to be much more relaxed than I usually am around people I don't know well. I found that we had a few things in common. He made me laugh a few times. So when I left the party, I was too afraid to give him my number myself, but I told Summer that if he wanted it, she could give it to him. That's when I left, feeling a little bit of a rush for actually taking a chance... and ended up getting a ticket for going 92 mph. At least it made for a great conversation starter when he text me for the first time the next day.
I want to say that was August 20th? Maybe the 21st? So basically the end of August. For a while we would probably text a little bit here and there, every other week or so. Then we started texting a little more frequently, about every other day. He'd remember things that I had said a few weeks before, like what days I had shows, and text me to say have a good show or ask how things went. He told me on our date that he can be a little oblivious to things, and he definitely was (we missed freeway exits and got lost a few times haha not to mention the hints I tried to drop to get him to hold my hand), but for someone who doesn't think he's observant, he thought to take me to Universal Studios because he remembered I had a pass for there... I mentioned that once probably a few months ago.
Since about Thanksgiving (which I know I already blogged about, so I won't rewrite all that again) we've been talking pretty much every day. I'm one of those people that assigns ring/text tones for people so that I know who is calling/texting me before I even look at my phone. Every time I hear the tone I set for him, I smile automatically. (Coincidently, he text me as I wrote that. He has perfect timing in his texts sometimes). He usually texts me first, but we just text periodically throughout the night while he's at work. Not gonna lie, we usually end our conversations with me falling asleep because he doesn't get off work until really late and I try to stay up as late as I can. Soon his schedule is going to have him working a lot later and a lot longer.
But he'll have more days off. And he's already said he wants to go out again soon.
But the point is (yes, there was a point), this isn't like any of my other relationships. This feels like it's moving at a snails pace in comparison. I've been talking to him longer than some of my past relationships have lasted haha. Now, I'm not saying I want things to be at lightning speed. I'm a little disappoint we didn't kiss on our date, but at the same time it's really kind of nice that there's like a build up. I've felt like my last few relationships (aka all the ones from drum corps) were like matches. When you strike a match is burns bright, hot and fast, then it's gone. I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships have been. Especially the last few. Those were years ago. It sounds cheesy, but I'm older and smarter now. I don't want some quick thing where I'm broken hearted after 2 months. I'm at the point where I'm dating to find someone worth staying with for the long run. Do I think this guy is that someone? I don't know yet. And that's ok. I will not lie, I would definitely want to be his girlfriend. But I also want to know a little more about him first. I mean, I'm still learning basic things about him, and vice versa. I don't mind if this is a slow burn.
I'm just being a little love sick puppy right now. I guess it's better than my usual cynical, melancholy self. Stupid things that I guess would be considered normal for a date seemed like such a big deal to me. Things like he picked me up, he opened doors for me, he paid for me... The last time I went out with a guy, and it wasn't even an official date, I was paying for everything, I was driving. He was super sweet. I don't know.
I've been kind of psyching myself out today though. I've told people now that I've been out with this guy. My family knows (I met him outside when he got here because I was not going to have him come to the door when my entire freaking family is here), I told my guard kids today (that's a story in itself), and now asshat knows. My besties have already heard everything haha but now it seems more fragile because I've told more people. I told one of my friends that I'm now paranoid that he'll lose interest now that I've told people. Of course it's a silly, irrational, irrelevant fear. But since when am I rational?
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Romantic Comedies
When I have too much time on my hands, I tend to over think.
A lot.
So naturally, during this week of nothing, I have had TONS of free time to think. Well, and beat Assassin's Creed IV (which was really good, by the way).
And when I talk about over thinking, it's usually about relationship stuff.
These are the things that I can't get out of my head:
- He hasn't actually said he's single or even looking for a girlfriend, am I wasting my time? I've just been taking what my friend has told me about his relationship status at face value.
- If he wanted to go out with me, wouldn't he have asked me out already? I think he was about to ask me out the other day, but I ended up asking him instead...
- Is this guy even into me? I've been trying my best to flirt and be cute, but he hasn't said anything...
My friend has told me I'm being ridiculous and that if I really want to know how he feels about me, I should just ask him. Can I actually do that? Is that a real thing? Silly questions, I know. But I've never done anything like that before. The other night I tried to ask him out on an actual one-on-one date, and I chickened out last second because he said he had a laundry list of things to do, so I assumed that meant no time to go out.
Basically every other guy I've dated has made the first real move. Granted, I can't really use those as evidence of "successful" relationships, but still. This is uncharted territory for me. I've made some first big moves in a lot of the past relationships, but I think the initial asking out has been done by the guy.
With this new guy, I seem to be doing more stuff, kind of taking charge, and it's starting to make me think that maybe he's not really interested. Half of my brain is saying, "Just because you're taking charge doesn't mean he's not interested. Maybe he's just taking it slow, or he's shy like you." The other half, however, is frantically saying, "OMG! He hasn't asked you out yet and you've been talking for how long? He is SO not into you. Just let it go. Why even bother trying, it'll just end in heartbreak anyway."
As you can see, being single and having a very unhealthy relationship with an ex has taken a toll on my optimism about relationships. I feel like the girl in a romantic comedy, but I don't mean that in a good way. I have a love/hate relationship with romantic comedies: I love to hate them, and on rare occasions I actually like them a little. Anyway, in a romantic comedy, the girl is usually someone with commitment issues. They've had one too many relationships go bad, so they figure it's better not to try at all. I'm kind of that mind set right now.
Only, I still really want my happily ever after. Another romantic comedy trope that I fall into is the girl who just wants to get married. Now, I'm not saying I want a ring on my finger right this second. But I do want that sooner vs. later. I'm 4 years away from 30... that's way scarier than it should be. It's kind of like the alarm on my biological clock is going off, but not to have a baby (definitely not something I want anytime soon). I'm at that point in my life where I have more friends getting married or getting into really long, serious relationships. When you consistently go out with people and you are the one single person, it kind of sucks. I don't want to tell my friends, "Don't bring your boyfriend/husband and get all cutesy with them because it makes me feel like I've failed at life." That's selfish of me, and very immature to be honest. But at the same time, there's only so many times you can be the 3rd or 5th wheel, or go to a wedding without a plus 1 before you feel like you've failed at some basic human right of passage. (In case you're curious, I've been to 5 weddings by myself in the last 2 years. One was my sister's wedding, and another was the friend who has been trying to set me up, and that wedding was also on my birthday... I was a bridesmaid in both of those, just a guest at the others... and I've got at least 2 more weddings I'll be attending in the Spring).
I want to be okay with being single. I have days where I really think it would be hard to be in a relationship right now; I've got too much going on and I would have to stop doing so many things. But then I have days where I'm just sad and there's not really a reason for it. Days where I just want to curl up next to someone and watch Netflix. Or go for a walk on the beach. But I can't, because I don't have someone to do those things with.
This time of year is especially hard. I know I should be thankful for my family and friends. I am not alone by any means, but it sure as hell feels like it. I really do appreciate my friends because if I wasn't typing this blog, I'd probably be pouring all of my fears and insecurity out on them through text messages. They really do keep me sane, and I can never do enough to repay them. But at the end of the day, they have their significant other to be with, and I go home alone.
I do have single friends, and we commiserate a little. Misery does love company. But I usually talk to the ones in relationships. I ask them questions and for help. What am I doing wrong? What did you do that worked? The only real advice I've been given from friends, and from those damned romantic comedies, is that love will come when I least expect it. What the hell! That's not helping. That's not even actual advice. I've already given up hope, THIS is the time when I'm expecting it the least. Now, when I'm 26 and haven't had a functioning relationship since I was 21. Now, when I've finally got time to spend with someone, when I don't need to worry about school... Now, when I'm really starting to feel like I'm about to spiral down. Life is kind of shit right now, can't I get just this one thing? Can't I have a little hope that I won't be unemployed, living with my struggling parents forever?
But, I'm getting a little off topic.
I started watching The Wedding Planner the other day with my mom. I'm going to assume that whoever reads this has seen that movie by now, if not, there this thing called Google. Anyway, by the end of the movie, that girl had resigned herself to marrying a boy she had no romantic feelings for just so that she could have someone. She was about to give up hope on love. And then, of course, the boy in the movie does this big romantic gesture and they live happily ever after. That is not how it works in real life! It isn't. Why does Hollywood make movies that work out that way? I like romantic comedies like The Break Up. That was at least somewhat realistic. They didn't end up happily ever after together. Boys don't just bend over backwards to show their affection when you've only just met. I can see that happening if someone has been friends a while or has at least spent more time actually talking to the person.
Then again, maybe I just haven't met the boy who will do some big romantic gesture to show me how he feels. I just know that I'm really tired of over thinking. I'm starting to think my friend's advice to just ask him how he feels about me is a good idea... I'm just scared. You'd think a person would get used to rejection after a while. Nope. While 90% of me thinks this guy is really into me, and I know that 100% of me is into him... that little 10% is yelling louder than the rest, filling my mind with all of these insecurities and doubts.
Now that I've droned on long enough, I'm going to go watch The Walking Dead and try to text this boy some more. He works nights, and it's usually a few hours in between responses, but I still like talking to him. Latest update: he was asking my if I have a lot of Winter Guard stuff on Saturdays (one of the few days off he has a week). Will I tell him I like him, or ask if he likes me? Will he ask me out? Who knows.
A lot.
So naturally, during this week of nothing, I have had TONS of free time to think. Well, and beat Assassin's Creed IV (which was really good, by the way).
And when I talk about over thinking, it's usually about relationship stuff.
These are the things that I can't get out of my head:
- He hasn't actually said he's single or even looking for a girlfriend, am I wasting my time? I've just been taking what my friend has told me about his relationship status at face value.
- If he wanted to go out with me, wouldn't he have asked me out already? I think he was about to ask me out the other day, but I ended up asking him instead...
- Is this guy even into me? I've been trying my best to flirt and be cute, but he hasn't said anything...
My friend has told me I'm being ridiculous and that if I really want to know how he feels about me, I should just ask him. Can I actually do that? Is that a real thing? Silly questions, I know. But I've never done anything like that before. The other night I tried to ask him out on an actual one-on-one date, and I chickened out last second because he said he had a laundry list of things to do, so I assumed that meant no time to go out.
Basically every other guy I've dated has made the first real move. Granted, I can't really use those as evidence of "successful" relationships, but still. This is uncharted territory for me. I've made some first big moves in a lot of the past relationships, but I think the initial asking out has been done by the guy.
With this new guy, I seem to be doing more stuff, kind of taking charge, and it's starting to make me think that maybe he's not really interested. Half of my brain is saying, "Just because you're taking charge doesn't mean he's not interested. Maybe he's just taking it slow, or he's shy like you." The other half, however, is frantically saying, "OMG! He hasn't asked you out yet and you've been talking for how long? He is SO not into you. Just let it go. Why even bother trying, it'll just end in heartbreak anyway."
As you can see, being single and having a very unhealthy relationship with an ex has taken a toll on my optimism about relationships. I feel like the girl in a romantic comedy, but I don't mean that in a good way. I have a love/hate relationship with romantic comedies: I love to hate them, and on rare occasions I actually like them a little. Anyway, in a romantic comedy, the girl is usually someone with commitment issues. They've had one too many relationships go bad, so they figure it's better not to try at all. I'm kind of that mind set right now.
Only, I still really want my happily ever after. Another romantic comedy trope that I fall into is the girl who just wants to get married. Now, I'm not saying I want a ring on my finger right this second. But I do want that sooner vs. later. I'm 4 years away from 30... that's way scarier than it should be. It's kind of like the alarm on my biological clock is going off, but not to have a baby (definitely not something I want anytime soon). I'm at that point in my life where I have more friends getting married or getting into really long, serious relationships. When you consistently go out with people and you are the one single person, it kind of sucks. I don't want to tell my friends, "Don't bring your boyfriend/husband and get all cutesy with them because it makes me feel like I've failed at life." That's selfish of me, and very immature to be honest. But at the same time, there's only so many times you can be the 3rd or 5th wheel, or go to a wedding without a plus 1 before you feel like you've failed at some basic human right of passage. (In case you're curious, I've been to 5 weddings by myself in the last 2 years. One was my sister's wedding, and another was the friend who has been trying to set me up, and that wedding was also on my birthday... I was a bridesmaid in both of those, just a guest at the others... and I've got at least 2 more weddings I'll be attending in the Spring).
I want to be okay with being single. I have days where I really think it would be hard to be in a relationship right now; I've got too much going on and I would have to stop doing so many things. But then I have days where I'm just sad and there's not really a reason for it. Days where I just want to curl up next to someone and watch Netflix. Or go for a walk on the beach. But I can't, because I don't have someone to do those things with.
This time of year is especially hard. I know I should be thankful for my family and friends. I am not alone by any means, but it sure as hell feels like it. I really do appreciate my friends because if I wasn't typing this blog, I'd probably be pouring all of my fears and insecurity out on them through text messages. They really do keep me sane, and I can never do enough to repay them. But at the end of the day, they have their significant other to be with, and I go home alone.
I do have single friends, and we commiserate a little. Misery does love company. But I usually talk to the ones in relationships. I ask them questions and for help. What am I doing wrong? What did you do that worked? The only real advice I've been given from friends, and from those damned romantic comedies, is that love will come when I least expect it. What the hell! That's not helping. That's not even actual advice. I've already given up hope, THIS is the time when I'm expecting it the least. Now, when I'm 26 and haven't had a functioning relationship since I was 21. Now, when I've finally got time to spend with someone, when I don't need to worry about school... Now, when I'm really starting to feel like I'm about to spiral down. Life is kind of shit right now, can't I get just this one thing? Can't I have a little hope that I won't be unemployed, living with my struggling parents forever?
But, I'm getting a little off topic.
I started watching The Wedding Planner the other day with my mom. I'm going to assume that whoever reads this has seen that movie by now, if not, there this thing called Google. Anyway, by the end of the movie, that girl had resigned herself to marrying a boy she had no romantic feelings for just so that she could have someone. She was about to give up hope on love. And then, of course, the boy in the movie does this big romantic gesture and they live happily ever after. That is not how it works in real life! It isn't. Why does Hollywood make movies that work out that way? I like romantic comedies like The Break Up. That was at least somewhat realistic. They didn't end up happily ever after together. Boys don't just bend over backwards to show their affection when you've only just met. I can see that happening if someone has been friends a while or has at least spent more time actually talking to the person.
Then again, maybe I just haven't met the boy who will do some big romantic gesture to show me how he feels. I just know that I'm really tired of over thinking. I'm starting to think my friend's advice to just ask him how he feels about me is a good idea... I'm just scared. You'd think a person would get used to rejection after a while. Nope. While 90% of me thinks this guy is really into me, and I know that 100% of me is into him... that little 10% is yelling louder than the rest, filling my mind with all of these insecurities and doubts.
Now that I've droned on long enough, I'm going to go watch The Walking Dead and try to text this boy some more. He works nights, and it's usually a few hours in between responses, but I still like talking to him. Latest update: he was asking my if I have a lot of Winter Guard stuff on Saturdays (one of the few days off he has a week). Will I tell him I like him, or ask if he likes me? Will he ask me out? Who knows.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Social Anxiety
Happy Thanksgiving. (Or at least it was Thanksgiving when I started writing this)
I should probably write a post about all the things I'm thankful for. Like my family and friends, the great staff and students I work with, the wonderful place I live and experiences I've had...
But since it's me, and I'm kind of using this as a diary, I'm going to instead write about what comes to mind.
And right now that would be Social Anxiety.
I don't know exactly when I stopped being able to function well around people, but somewhere along the line I kind of forgot how to be normal. My friends sometimes think I'm overreacting, but I think one of my best friend's realized just how bad my social anxiety can be after this trip we took over the summer. It actually kind of hurt our friendship and I still don't feel like things are completely fixed even though we've talked about it since.
But I'm not here to talk about that particular situation. I'm just talking about me in a group of people in general. I've always been quiet for as long as I can remember. I usually get this joke at parties.
Random New Person: "Gosh Sam, you need to quiet down! You're way too loud."
Me: *stares at person waiting for them to realize they aren't being original or funny.*
RNP: "Seriously, such a loud mouth."
Me: *wishes person would just shut the fuck up.*
OR....
RNP: "Why are you so quiet? You hardly talk."
Me: "I don't know. I'm just quiet."
RNP: "You need to talk more!"
Me: -___- *I'll get right on that*
Apparently when I was MUCH younger my parents thought I would be an actress. I was always wanting an audience and to be the center of attention. I would say that these are traits I still have (otherwise I wouldn't love doing something that involved performing for an audience), but this is not a normal thing for me these days. Usually, if I am supposed to talk or someone puts me on the spot I get really flustered. I start talking much faster than I realize. Words come out before I even finish thinking. I basically embarrass myself. Or at least I feel like I have, even if I haven't.
Social Anxiety and a few bad social situations have almost completely obliterated my confidence when talking with someone. Even when I'm talking to someone I know I get really flustered sometimes. This has made meeting new people a really hard thing for me. (First impressions are not my strong suit). Add on to that things like feeling sick or distracted, and I'm basically a mess.
So tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, I was both feeling sick (allergies suck), distracted (I was waiting for texts from the guy I like), and I had to make conversation with new people. I got the whole, "You're so quiet! Why don't you say anything?" bit. I just basically didn't want to talk to anyone. It wasn't like I was mad or anything, I just don't always feel the need to talk. And I guess people just don't get that.
If you ask my closest friends they will tell you that I can be fucking chatter box when I want to be. I will talk your ear off if I actually have something to say. But if I don't feel comfortable around you or I don't know you well or I just don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, I probably won't say much. It really is a scenario of "it's not you, it's me." Chalk it up to being too much of a listener, or always being talked over when trying to talk to my Dad.
But the real reason I started talking about Social Anxiety isn't from the having to make conversation at dinner... that wasn't as terrible as I make it sound. It was actually from the reason I was distracted, texting the guy I like. I saw this post on Tumblr and it made me think (or overthink).
On and off all day I've been texting the guy I like. (BTW, I'm not using his name because I'm actually afraid to jinx anything. How silly is that? haha). He text me to say Happy Thanksgiving, and I tried asking him stuff about how he spends Thanksgiving to kind of keep the conversation going. Friends have told me that I should do things like that to get to know him better. Which makes complete sense and is something I would tell them to do if they were asking me what to say. To give a little more context, when I first starting talking to him a few months ago, I complained to my friends that I felt like conversations kind of went nowhere, and they said it was probably because I need to do more to keep them going and basically not let him do all the heavy lifting in the convo (hopefully that made some sense haha). The friend who has been trying to set us up also said he's a little too much like me and he's probably over analyzing things too... which is what I'm doing, according to her. And she has a point, I over analyze A LOT.
And, lucky reader, this is where that over analyzing happens!
To kind of prove that I'm not completely insane, I would like to point out that: 1) I realize that I have only spent a limited about of time talking to this guy and I'm not even sure what he thinks about me (other than telling me how much fun he had the other night and that he'd like to do it again). 2) It is a national holiday where you should be spending time with family, not texting people. 3) I have a well documented history of becoming too attached too quickly. I realize this and I'm already making an effort to not be that girl anymore.
Now that I've said that, here's the stuff that will make me sound crazy.
While telling my friend about the kind of double date, I said something along the lines of, "ugh! I hate that I'm actually starting to really like this guy." Her response was something like, "Why?! Be happy and excited about it!" I know that I should just be happy and go with it. Even though everything about this situation is unknown, it really is exciting. But, I've said this TOO MANY TIMES in this blog, I haven't had a real boyfriend for almost 5 years. That's a really long time. I haven't been dating for about as long as I was dating (did that make sense?). And even the relationships I had weren't the best confidence builders.
And it's partly because of those other crappy relationships that I'm scared that I'm really liking this guy. You know how long it's been since I've wanted to hold hands or kiss someone other than my ex-with-benefits? I have been on a few blah dates in the last few years. I tried a dating website that did not really work for me. But I've been kind of obsessed with asshat because he's the only boy to give me any sort of attention in the last few years. Well, attention that wasn't unwanted. And it was familiar and comfortable. So my brain is having a hard time picturing doing anything with anyone else. And this new guy is so sweet and cute, that I really want to hold his hand, or cuddle, or kiss him. And that scares the crap out of me. It's new and foreign.
I feel not good enough, and worried that I will do something wrong. I'm most afraid of coming off clingy. I don't want to scare him away by coming on too strong too soon. Like texting him today. I was super scared that I would drive him off by trying to text him. I shouldn't feel so insecure about it since he text me first and he even made sure to reiterate how he thought Monday night was great. But I didn't really get too many responses from him. And that started making me even more paranoid. Did I say something wrong? Does he not want to talk to me?
I have been trying to keep myself from texting him since Monday night. Silly, right? Well, I was afraid that if I text him too soon it would be unwanted. I've even subconsciously not text my friends about these anxieties because I'm pretty sure they would tell me to stop over thinking and just text him if I want to talk to him. I feel like that comic I saw on Tumblr. I'm so afraid of not realizing I'm too clingy until it's too late, that I'm starting to push away instead.
And basically this whole post has been a way for me to convince myself of overcoming stupid things like not texting him because I'm afraid of scaring him away. I want a guy I can text everyday... or you know, actually see everyday. I know I shouldn't come on too strong, but I can still show interest.... I've had a pretty easy time of being myself around him so far, so why not keep being myself? Like I said earlier, I'm a generally quiet person. But I feel like there's a chance that with him I could be more open and loud.... and on that note (that totally sounded dirty in my head), I will call it a night.
I should probably write a post about all the things I'm thankful for. Like my family and friends, the great staff and students I work with, the wonderful place I live and experiences I've had...
But since it's me, and I'm kind of using this as a diary, I'm going to instead write about what comes to mind.
And right now that would be Social Anxiety.
I don't know exactly when I stopped being able to function well around people, but somewhere along the line I kind of forgot how to be normal. My friends sometimes think I'm overreacting, but I think one of my best friend's realized just how bad my social anxiety can be after this trip we took over the summer. It actually kind of hurt our friendship and I still don't feel like things are completely fixed even though we've talked about it since.
But I'm not here to talk about that particular situation. I'm just talking about me in a group of people in general. I've always been quiet for as long as I can remember. I usually get this joke at parties.
Random New Person: "Gosh Sam, you need to quiet down! You're way too loud."
Me: *stares at person waiting for them to realize they aren't being original or funny.*
RNP: "Seriously, such a loud mouth."
Me: *wishes person would just shut the fuck up.*
OR....
RNP: "Why are you so quiet? You hardly talk."
Me: "I don't know. I'm just quiet."
RNP: "You need to talk more!"
Me: -___- *I'll get right on that*
Apparently when I was MUCH younger my parents thought I would be an actress. I was always wanting an audience and to be the center of attention. I would say that these are traits I still have (otherwise I wouldn't love doing something that involved performing for an audience), but this is not a normal thing for me these days. Usually, if I am supposed to talk or someone puts me on the spot I get really flustered. I start talking much faster than I realize. Words come out before I even finish thinking. I basically embarrass myself. Or at least I feel like I have, even if I haven't.
Social Anxiety and a few bad social situations have almost completely obliterated my confidence when talking with someone. Even when I'm talking to someone I know I get really flustered sometimes. This has made meeting new people a really hard thing for me. (First impressions are not my strong suit). Add on to that things like feeling sick or distracted, and I'm basically a mess.
So tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, I was both feeling sick (allergies suck), distracted (I was waiting for texts from the guy I like), and I had to make conversation with new people. I got the whole, "You're so quiet! Why don't you say anything?" bit. I just basically didn't want to talk to anyone. It wasn't like I was mad or anything, I just don't always feel the need to talk. And I guess people just don't get that.
If you ask my closest friends they will tell you that I can be fucking chatter box when I want to be. I will talk your ear off if I actually have something to say. But if I don't feel comfortable around you or I don't know you well or I just don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, I probably won't say much. It really is a scenario of "it's not you, it's me." Chalk it up to being too much of a listener, or always being talked over when trying to talk to my Dad.
But the real reason I started talking about Social Anxiety isn't from the having to make conversation at dinner... that wasn't as terrible as I make it sound. It was actually from the reason I was distracted, texting the guy I like. I saw this post on Tumblr and it made me think (or overthink).
On and off all day I've been texting the guy I like. (BTW, I'm not using his name because I'm actually afraid to jinx anything. How silly is that? haha). He text me to say Happy Thanksgiving, and I tried asking him stuff about how he spends Thanksgiving to kind of keep the conversation going. Friends have told me that I should do things like that to get to know him better. Which makes complete sense and is something I would tell them to do if they were asking me what to say. To give a little more context, when I first starting talking to him a few months ago, I complained to my friends that I felt like conversations kind of went nowhere, and they said it was probably because I need to do more to keep them going and basically not let him do all the heavy lifting in the convo (hopefully that made some sense haha). The friend who has been trying to set us up also said he's a little too much like me and he's probably over analyzing things too... which is what I'm doing, according to her. And she has a point, I over analyze A LOT.
And, lucky reader, this is where that over analyzing happens!
To kind of prove that I'm not completely insane, I would like to point out that: 1) I realize that I have only spent a limited about of time talking to this guy and I'm not even sure what he thinks about me (other than telling me how much fun he had the other night and that he'd like to do it again). 2) It is a national holiday where you should be spending time with family, not texting people. 3) I have a well documented history of becoming too attached too quickly. I realize this and I'm already making an effort to not be that girl anymore.
Now that I've said that, here's the stuff that will make me sound crazy.
While telling my friend about the kind of double date, I said something along the lines of, "ugh! I hate that I'm actually starting to really like this guy." Her response was something like, "Why?! Be happy and excited about it!" I know that I should just be happy and go with it. Even though everything about this situation is unknown, it really is exciting. But, I've said this TOO MANY TIMES in this blog, I haven't had a real boyfriend for almost 5 years. That's a really long time. I haven't been dating for about as long as I was dating (did that make sense?). And even the relationships I had weren't the best confidence builders.
And it's partly because of those other crappy relationships that I'm scared that I'm really liking this guy. You know how long it's been since I've wanted to hold hands or kiss someone other than my ex-with-benefits? I have been on a few blah dates in the last few years. I tried a dating website that did not really work for me. But I've been kind of obsessed with asshat because he's the only boy to give me any sort of attention in the last few years. Well, attention that wasn't unwanted. And it was familiar and comfortable. So my brain is having a hard time picturing doing anything with anyone else. And this new guy is so sweet and cute, that I really want to hold his hand, or cuddle, or kiss him. And that scares the crap out of me. It's new and foreign.
I feel not good enough, and worried that I will do something wrong. I'm most afraid of coming off clingy. I don't want to scare him away by coming on too strong too soon. Like texting him today. I was super scared that I would drive him off by trying to text him. I shouldn't feel so insecure about it since he text me first and he even made sure to reiterate how he thought Monday night was great. But I didn't really get too many responses from him. And that started making me even more paranoid. Did I say something wrong? Does he not want to talk to me?
I have been trying to keep myself from texting him since Monday night. Silly, right? Well, I was afraid that if I text him too soon it would be unwanted. I've even subconsciously not text my friends about these anxieties because I'm pretty sure they would tell me to stop over thinking and just text him if I want to talk to him. I feel like that comic I saw on Tumblr. I'm so afraid of not realizing I'm too clingy until it's too late, that I'm starting to push away instead.
And basically this whole post has been a way for me to convince myself of overcoming stupid things like not texting him because I'm afraid of scaring him away. I want a guy I can text everyday... or you know, actually see everyday. I know I shouldn't come on too strong, but I can still show interest.... I've had a pretty easy time of being myself around him so far, so why not keep being myself? Like I said earlier, I'm a generally quiet person. But I feel like there's a chance that with him I could be more open and loud.... and on that note (that totally sounded dirty in my head), I will call it a night.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Well, not yet, but yeah.
So I've been really bad about writing in this as often as I wanted, but I'm trying to fix that now. I'm going to try to update what's been happening while also talking about thanksgiving stuff because its the thing to do.
SO update time.
Field season is finally over. The end of the season wasn't as great as I would've liked, but as a whole it wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty good. It's disheartening that they dropped more than 5 points in one week, but on the whole they were almost 7 points higher on average from last year. So, that's good. We had a staff meeting today to talk about what changes to make for next year, what to do to recruit, role of student leadership, and of course, ideas for next year. My contributions: Witches (like, Salem Witch trial stuff), Apocalypse (preferably of the zombie orientation), and Baseball (because it'd be cute and cool). A lot of other cool suggestions were made and nothing is decided yet, but the goal is to decide sooner vs. later. Also got some good ideas for winter guard. There is so much to do in the weeks leading to Christmas.
In other news, I went on a kind of, sort of double date last night. It was great. The day started with one of my best friend's kidnapping me haha. We met another friend for brunch, went shopping (where I bought a remote controlled helicopter. Friendly reminder: I am a grown adult), and then we went to her place to have some drinks and hang out until movie/date time. It wasn't a true double date because this friend's sister-in-law tagged along. The 5 of us went to see the Doctor Who 50th anniversary in theaters. I had already seen it a few times (because I'm impatient and I get overly emotional when watching Doctor Who... doesn't come off great to cry like a baby over something so silly when you're trying to impress a boy).
Before I get too involved in this story, I should talk about how this date came to happen. Alright, so I've been talking to this guy for a while now (I mentioned this in the last post). And he has asked me a bunch of times what my schedule is like, but he's never actually asked me out. Well, the other day we were texting about something and he asked if I'd be free Monday night. I had been planning on seeing the 50th for a few weeks with this friend (who has also been trying to set me up with this guy for a while). She had bought the tickets already, and she "just happened" to have an extra ticket. She claims that she bought it thinking my brother would come with us, but I had already told her that he would be at school before she bought them, so that was just her crappy cover story. Anyway, I asked her what I should say, because 1) I really wanted to go out with this guy, and 2) I didn't want to miss my chance to see Doctor Who on the big screen. What a dilemma.
So my friend says, "Just ask him to join us." Without thinking, I did what she said. It wasn't until after I hit send on the text that I realize, "Oh shit! I think just beat him to it, and asked him out first!" He said yes, obviously.
Okay, cut back to last night. We got to the movie ridiculously early so that we could get good seats. My friend sat at one side of our row and I sat on the other (so that it was obvious that we were taking all of the seats) while everyone else went to get concessions and use the restroom. When this guy came back, he sat down next to me automatically. While we were a little silent some of the time, we tried to make conversation while waiting for the movie to start.
Now, I'm usually really shy and awkward when I have to talk to someone one-on-one (unless I know them really well). But with this guy, it was kind of scary, but I was actually pretty good about not being awkward. That has been my biggest goal while talking to him, not being awkward. I don't have a lot of confidence when talking to people, and I've approached talking to this guy as practice being a more confident me. So far it seems to be working out for me. A life goal for me has been to not be so serious and laugh at myself more, so I was telling him embarrassing stories, and geeky things. (Like the whole, watching over 500 episodes of Doctor Who thing... I even brought my homemade Tom Baker scarf. That takes courage... but I didn't wear it, my friend's husband did). To put it simply, I tried to be the me I am with the people I'm close to. I tried to be funny, and smart, and geeky. I've also been trying to get to know him and really listen without just trying to think about what I should say next (active listening, a lost art). We talked Doctor Who (obviously), Pokemon, video games in general, dogs, drunk stories, families, work, school. My friend was a big help in some things. At one point we ended up in the cabana (yes, she has a cabana) talking, just the 3 of us. I'm still working on being better about asking questions, because I'm always worried that I will come off as intrusive. So she kept asking him questions and that would help me come out of my shell a little more.
The biggest regret of yesterday, though, was that I didn't try harder to hold his hand or kiss him. I did the super dumb, "I'm going to put my hand on the arm rest and wait for you to make the next move," thing. I'm a little mad at myself for not taking my friend's advice. In the car earlier, she was very vocal on this subject. "Don't just leave your limp hand there! Who wants to grab that? This is what you do if you want to hold his hand." She then reached over and grabbed my hand. Sounds easy enough, but when the moment came, I choked. He had his arms crossed over his chest most of the time and I really was scared to just reach over and grab his hand. It's so childish. I'm 26, I shouldn't be scared to hold hands with a guy on a date.
Later that night, when saying goodbye, he did make a small move and hugged me. We've met a quite a few times at this friend's house for parties and stuff, and this was the first time we hugged. I melted a little on the inside, not gonna lie. When I got home last night, I had this conversation with him.
Well, not yet, but yeah.
So I've been really bad about writing in this as often as I wanted, but I'm trying to fix that now. I'm going to try to update what's been happening while also talking about thanksgiving stuff because its the thing to do.
SO update time.
Field season is finally over. The end of the season wasn't as great as I would've liked, but as a whole it wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty good. It's disheartening that they dropped more than 5 points in one week, but on the whole they were almost 7 points higher on average from last year. So, that's good. We had a staff meeting today to talk about what changes to make for next year, what to do to recruit, role of student leadership, and of course, ideas for next year. My contributions: Witches (like, Salem Witch trial stuff), Apocalypse (preferably of the zombie orientation), and Baseball (because it'd be cute and cool). A lot of other cool suggestions were made and nothing is decided yet, but the goal is to decide sooner vs. later. Also got some good ideas for winter guard. There is so much to do in the weeks leading to Christmas.
In other news, I went on a kind of, sort of double date last night. It was great. The day started with one of my best friend's kidnapping me haha. We met another friend for brunch, went shopping (where I bought a remote controlled helicopter. Friendly reminder: I am a grown adult), and then we went to her place to have some drinks and hang out until movie/date time. It wasn't a true double date because this friend's sister-in-law tagged along. The 5 of us went to see the Doctor Who 50th anniversary in theaters. I had already seen it a few times (because I'm impatient and I get overly emotional when watching Doctor Who... doesn't come off great to cry like a baby over something so silly when you're trying to impress a boy).
Before I get too involved in this story, I should talk about how this date came to happen. Alright, so I've been talking to this guy for a while now (I mentioned this in the last post). And he has asked me a bunch of times what my schedule is like, but he's never actually asked me out. Well, the other day we were texting about something and he asked if I'd be free Monday night. I had been planning on seeing the 50th for a few weeks with this friend (who has also been trying to set me up with this guy for a while). She had bought the tickets already, and she "just happened" to have an extra ticket. She claims that she bought it thinking my brother would come with us, but I had already told her that he would be at school before she bought them, so that was just her crappy cover story. Anyway, I asked her what I should say, because 1) I really wanted to go out with this guy, and 2) I didn't want to miss my chance to see Doctor Who on the big screen. What a dilemma.
So my friend says, "Just ask him to join us." Without thinking, I did what she said. It wasn't until after I hit send on the text that I realize, "Oh shit! I think just beat him to it, and asked him out first!" He said yes, obviously.
Okay, cut back to last night. We got to the movie ridiculously early so that we could get good seats. My friend sat at one side of our row and I sat on the other (so that it was obvious that we were taking all of the seats) while everyone else went to get concessions and use the restroom. When this guy came back, he sat down next to me automatically. While we were a little silent some of the time, we tried to make conversation while waiting for the movie to start.
Now, I'm usually really shy and awkward when I have to talk to someone one-on-one (unless I know them really well). But with this guy, it was kind of scary, but I was actually pretty good about not being awkward. That has been my biggest goal while talking to him, not being awkward. I don't have a lot of confidence when talking to people, and I've approached talking to this guy as practice being a more confident me. So far it seems to be working out for me. A life goal for me has been to not be so serious and laugh at myself more, so I was telling him embarrassing stories, and geeky things. (Like the whole, watching over 500 episodes of Doctor Who thing... I even brought my homemade Tom Baker scarf. That takes courage... but I didn't wear it, my friend's husband did). To put it simply, I tried to be the me I am with the people I'm close to. I tried to be funny, and smart, and geeky. I've also been trying to get to know him and really listen without just trying to think about what I should say next (active listening, a lost art). We talked Doctor Who (obviously), Pokemon, video games in general, dogs, drunk stories, families, work, school. My friend was a big help in some things. At one point we ended up in the cabana (yes, she has a cabana) talking, just the 3 of us. I'm still working on being better about asking questions, because I'm always worried that I will come off as intrusive. So she kept asking him questions and that would help me come out of my shell a little more.
The biggest regret of yesterday, though, was that I didn't try harder to hold his hand or kiss him. I did the super dumb, "I'm going to put my hand on the arm rest and wait for you to make the next move," thing. I'm a little mad at myself for not taking my friend's advice. In the car earlier, she was very vocal on this subject. "Don't just leave your limp hand there! Who wants to grab that? This is what you do if you want to hold his hand." She then reached over and grabbed my hand. Sounds easy enough, but when the moment came, I choked. He had his arms crossed over his chest most of the time and I really was scared to just reach over and grab his hand. It's so childish. I'm 26, I shouldn't be scared to hold hands with a guy on a date.
Later that night, when saying goodbye, he did make a small move and hugged me. We've met a quite a few times at this friend's house for parties and stuff, and this was the first time we hugged. I melted a little on the inside, not gonna lie. When I got home last night, I had this conversation with him.
I am still internally screaming. I have A LOT of issues with trusting boys and commitment, but I'm really starting to fall for this guy. He's been nothing but sweet, nice, and funny. I think this could be the start of something good. (Not to mention he looked really cute last night. He wore a slightly tight blue button down shirt and his hair was a little longer than the last time I saw him, so it was curly and stuff. He's super cute. haha).
So, in this time of Thanks, I'd like to thank my friends for being so awesome, and for introducing me to cute boys that aren't asshats. :)
Speaking of which...
This morning I got a random call from asshat (see previous posts to know who I'm talking about). I had posted things to my twitter about my date last night. I know he reads my tweets, and I kind of wanted him to see it, but it wasn't like I was posting it for the sole reason that he'd see it. So when he called this morning, this is roughly how the conversation started. "Good morning, Sammy. So how was your double date last night?" Ummm... I want to say that's a creeper thing to say, but if I'm posting it to the internet, I guess it's public information.
I had a brief back and forth with him over the fact this wasn't information I felt comfortable telling my ex (I'm sorry, I don't care how friendly or comfortable or close you are with your ex, it still doesn't feel right to talk about a boy I like with a boy I used to like... It may be a little childish of me, but this is some of those commitment/boy issues I was talking about before). He kept justifying, "But I'm happy for you! Can't I be happy for you? Just tell me, please." I answered a few questions. "Does he play video games?" "Yes." "Was he in band?" "Yes." "Did he march PC?" "No." I made it a point not to say the guy's name, because quite honestly, asshat doesn't need to know it. Despite the fact I've told a few people about this guy, even my mom, I kind of don't want to bring him up to too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm still not sure that I can call Monday an actual date, so I'm not getting any hopes up... well, I say that but I'm probably getting some up. (insert erection joke here).
I had a brief back and forth with him over the fact this wasn't information I felt comfortable telling my ex (I'm sorry, I don't care how friendly or comfortable or close you are with your ex, it still doesn't feel right to talk about a boy I like with a boy I used to like... It may be a little childish of me, but this is some of those commitment/boy issues I was talking about before). He kept justifying, "But I'm happy for you! Can't I be happy for you? Just tell me, please." I answered a few questions. "Does he play video games?" "Yes." "Was he in band?" "Yes." "Did he march PC?" "No." I made it a point not to say the guy's name, because quite honestly, asshat doesn't need to know it. Despite the fact I've told a few people about this guy, even my mom, I kind of don't want to bring him up to too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm still not sure that I can call Monday an actual date, so I'm not getting any hopes up... well, I say that but I'm probably getting some up. (insert erection joke here).
So yeah. I've been wanting to text him all night but I don't know what to say. I am totally that girl who over thinks a text message. Plus, he's working.
So there is my update.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Stories
I was originally going to write this long thing today, telling stories about Zach and the (too) brief time that I knew him. BUT I've decided that, for now, I'm going to keep most of those to myself. I'm going to cherish them even more because they are private.
I will say this quick story. On our first "date," we had been up talking on the phone all night, and it was time for both of us to go to our respective responsibilities, but we decided to meet up for coffee afterward. Only, Zach didn't really drink coffee, he drank Chai Tea Lattes, which I had never tried. We ended up talking all day outside a Starbucks (keep in mind, we had been on the phone probably a good 5 hours the night before). Afterward we saw the 5th Indiana Jones movie in theaters... I almost fell asleep, Zach definitely fell asleep. But before falling asleep, he kept looking at me. I finally whispered something along the lines of, "you can't watch the movie if you're looking at me." And he said something to the effect of, "but you're more interesting than the movie." I wish I could remember the exact words. I turned about 20 shades of red and smiled the rest of the movie. I want to cry right now thinking about this moment. Partly because he's gone, and obviously things didn't last romantically, but the upsetting part is that I don't remember the details. I can't even remember how his voice sounds. I know I can watch old PC videos and hear it, but that might make it worse. I remember some things, like before we even started talking, when he was just being a good Drum Major getting to know his corps, he took the time to ask me if I prefer Sam or Samantha. Most people just call me Sam (or Sammy Sue), and leave it at that, I don't mind. But Zach actually asked. And he called me Samantha, because he was one of the few people to know that I prefer my full name. He was that kind of person. He was so considerate and honest. Sometimes brutally honest. Anyway, It wasn't until shortly after he died that I actually tried a Chai Tea Latte. I love them. I don't know if I love them because of him, or because they're just good. Either way they remind me of him, and that day.
Moving on from things that depress me (because today was easier than I expected, but still very hard), I'm going to write about a song that has been stuck in my head lately. It's called 'Fire Escape' by the band Half Moon Run.
Lyrics:
Hey Dark Eyes,
Rest with me a while as I drift closer to sleep
Still cannot
Still cannot find no peace
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Hey Murderer,
Killin' keeps us close enough
Every breath you steal is a breath that I breathe for
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Now, I've been toying with the idea of a writing exercise: write a story using song lyrics as an outline. I'm sure that this isn't a new idea or anything, but it seems like something interesting. I want to try doing it, and I'm considering using this song. Or 'The Funeral' by Band of Horses (my favorite song, in case you're wondering, "why did she just say that out of nowhere?"). Like a story, a song (usually) has a beginning, middle, and end. But songs are (usually) more poetry than story. This makes them a little more open to artistic interpretation.
Who is the speaker talking to in the song? Are "Dark Eyes" and "Murderer" the same person? What happened? What is the significance of the "glass at our feet?" Why must they "run down the street to the church?" These are the kinds of questions that can be answered through story. And that's just if I decide to take a more literal approach to the lyrics. I think this could be very fun. Somewhere between trying to organize winter guard, figure out student loan crap, finding a real job, finishing marching season, subbing, working for my dad, the books I've started, and video games, I hope to try this out.
Ok, I've totally written this post out of order and feel a little more depressed than when I started writing it. Until next time.
I will say this quick story. On our first "date," we had been up talking on the phone all night, and it was time for both of us to go to our respective responsibilities, but we decided to meet up for coffee afterward. Only, Zach didn't really drink coffee, he drank Chai Tea Lattes, which I had never tried. We ended up talking all day outside a Starbucks (keep in mind, we had been on the phone probably a good 5 hours the night before). Afterward we saw the 5th Indiana Jones movie in theaters... I almost fell asleep, Zach definitely fell asleep. But before falling asleep, he kept looking at me. I finally whispered something along the lines of, "you can't watch the movie if you're looking at me." And he said something to the effect of, "but you're more interesting than the movie." I wish I could remember the exact words. I turned about 20 shades of red and smiled the rest of the movie. I want to cry right now thinking about this moment. Partly because he's gone, and obviously things didn't last romantically, but the upsetting part is that I don't remember the details. I can't even remember how his voice sounds. I know I can watch old PC videos and hear it, but that might make it worse. I remember some things, like before we even started talking, when he was just being a good Drum Major getting to know his corps, he took the time to ask me if I prefer Sam or Samantha. Most people just call me Sam (or Sammy Sue), and leave it at that, I don't mind. But Zach actually asked. And he called me Samantha, because he was one of the few people to know that I prefer my full name. He was that kind of person. He was so considerate and honest. Sometimes brutally honest. Anyway, It wasn't until shortly after he died that I actually tried a Chai Tea Latte. I love them. I don't know if I love them because of him, or because they're just good. Either way they remind me of him, and that day.
Moving on from things that depress me (because today was easier than I expected, but still very hard), I'm going to write about a song that has been stuck in my head lately. It's called 'Fire Escape' by the band Half Moon Run.
Lyrics:
Hey Dark Eyes,
Rest with me a while as I drift closer to sleep
Still cannot
Still cannot find no peace
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Hey Murderer,
Killin' keeps us close enough
Every breath you steal is a breath that I breathe for
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Now, I've been toying with the idea of a writing exercise: write a story using song lyrics as an outline. I'm sure that this isn't a new idea or anything, but it seems like something interesting. I want to try doing it, and I'm considering using this song. Or 'The Funeral' by Band of Horses (my favorite song, in case you're wondering, "why did she just say that out of nowhere?"). Like a story, a song (usually) has a beginning, middle, and end. But songs are (usually) more poetry than story. This makes them a little more open to artistic interpretation.
Who is the speaker talking to in the song? Are "Dark Eyes" and "Murderer" the same person? What happened? What is the significance of the "glass at our feet?" Why must they "run down the street to the church?" These are the kinds of questions that can be answered through story. And that's just if I decide to take a more literal approach to the lyrics. I think this could be very fun. Somewhere between trying to organize winter guard, figure out student loan crap, finding a real job, finishing marching season, subbing, working for my dad, the books I've started, and video games, I hope to try this out.
Ok, I've totally written this post out of order and feel a little more depressed than when I started writing it. Until next time.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Real Talk: Part 1
I've been using my Tumblr more and more as a kind of diary, but I'm starting to think that this is probably the better outlet for that. Especially since, you know, this is what I initially set this up to be.
Alright. Of course, now that I'm sitting here typing there is absolutely nothing coming to mind. Thanks, writer's block. (Be prepared, this will probably jump ALL over the place)
I guess it's the time of year, or maybe even just that time of the month, who knows. But I'm feeling a little more melancholy. I truly appreciate my friends for always putting up with my usual "down on myself" attitude, but this time of year especially I'm usually WAY depressed. Like, I contemplate going back on meds this time of year (Too bad I no longer have health insurance...). I hate the holidays because I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm surrounded by people. I like to blame Hollywood for making me feel that I have to be in a relationship for me to be happy this time of year. This is why I always tell people I hate Christmas, and why I hate watching Christmas movies (or RomComs in general).
Really, I should be blaming myself. I'm a jealous person; a terrible trait in a human being. There's a saying that you always see people in relationships when you're single, and that's how I feel during the holidays. I see the great relationships my friends are in and, while I'm happy for them, it makes me sad because I want that too. I want someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to say Happy New Year, and kiss me at midnight.
I've wasted... yes, wasted, WAY too much time chasing after a boy that I know will never care about me the way I care for him. It's funny that even though I know that, I'll probably always love him in some way. Even now, I've had to force myself not to bend over backwards for him. He was gone for a month and, of course, hasn't had enough gas or money to come see me since getting back to LA. Of course he called me to meet up EVERY DAY that I had specifically said I was not free (like, when I had a show, or 2...). And he's wanted me to drive all the way out to LA to see him, even wanting me to cancel plans with my best friend to see him instead. I didn't, but as soon as I got back from lunch with my friend I almost got in my car to brave rush hour just to see him. That would have been absolutely ridiculous, but it took a little too long for me to get that thought out of my head. If you read 90% of the posts on this blog, they're about him. Usually him being a jerk.
And the funny thing? I may have actually found someone new. The problems is that I forget how this whole thing works. Having an "ex/friend with benefits" for a few years and even before that having NO ONE... also having the last boy you officially dated die... you kind of forget how dating works. Like, I really like this new guy, and I'm surprisingly not completely awkward/quiet when I have hung out with him in person. But I don't know how fast or slow to take things. In the past it's always been super fast. (I have a tendency of having sleepovers with boys before they actually become boyfriends... but get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing sexual happens (usually). More like, talk all night and end up falling asleep kind of stuff). But it's like a match; it's quick to light, and pretty soon the flame is gone.
I want something that'll keep burning. Is that something I'm going to get with this guy? I don't know. It's kind of scary, but refreshing to not know. I want to find out if this is something that'll work or not. So far it's been a lot of texting (though not constant), one phone call from a wedding (which was kind of out of the blue and made me swoon a little), and seeing each other at our mutual friend's house. He's a little hard to read, but I chalk that up to it being hard to infer tone from texts (and he's a guy, which is basically alien to me). He's asked me about a million times what my schedule is like, which makes me think that he's going to ask me out, but he never follows through. I almost had the nerve to ask him the last time we text... but I couldn't do it. Is it super old-fashioned of me to want him to ask me out first? That could also be me fearing rejection.
Maybe he's not even interested. Maybe it's all in my mind. And maybe I'm just being negative again. He's a few years older than me, which is kind of a first. (Contrary to popular belief, I do date guys my own age. I used to get teased because I dated quite a few boys younger than me... but the youngest was Zach, and he was only 3 years younger than me, which is acceptable. The oldest, though, was only a year older and he was so immature I may as well have been dating someone younger). This guy is going to school full-time, and working full-time (so, school during the day, work at night... and sleep/homework in between), leaving little time for dates. We've kind of bonded a little over video games, and Doctor Who (he'd only seen season 1 of the reboot, and since talking with me he's trying to watch the rest).
But since we haven't been on a real date, or even spent basically any time one-on-one, I feel like I don't know too much about him. Silly, but basic, things like middle name, birthdate, brothers and sisters... I don't really know that stuff, nor does he know much about me on that front (though he knows more about me than I about him: my birthday is our mutual friend's wedding anniversary, her nickname for me includes me middle name, and I've mentioned my siblings).
And I'm so indecisive about how to talk to him. Like, even as I'm typing this, I want to text him. Even if it's something super generic like, "How was your weekend?" but I feel stupid doing that, and like I have nothing else to talk about. The problem with the ex I was talking about earlier, is that he is also one of the people I'm closest to and someone I've been friends with for the last decade, so I can call him and have a long conversation like it's nothing. With this new guy, that comfort level and familiarity isn't there (yet). So, it's hard. Our mutual friend (who has blatantly said she wants me to date this guy, and kept having parties so we'd hang out... until I finally caved and gave her the okay to give him my number) makes fun of me whenever I tell her how I literally sit there trying to think of a text to send him, writing and rewriting and ultimately going with "Hi." She's assured me he's probably doing the same thing, but I don't know. I'm very insecure since the only boy who has shown interest in me in the last 5 years is my ex, who clearly wants nothing more than a friend he can occasionally sleep with.
I feel like I'm rambling. I think I'll end this here. I originally intended to write more depressing stuff, because this week is going to be extremely hard, and I'm already a little more of a mess than I should me. I'll probably write that kind of stuff on Wednesday... because this writing thing is nice. Maybe one day I'll actually write a story again...
Alright. Of course, now that I'm sitting here typing there is absolutely nothing coming to mind. Thanks, writer's block. (Be prepared, this will probably jump ALL over the place)
I guess it's the time of year, or maybe even just that time of the month, who knows. But I'm feeling a little more melancholy. I truly appreciate my friends for always putting up with my usual "down on myself" attitude, but this time of year especially I'm usually WAY depressed. Like, I contemplate going back on meds this time of year (Too bad I no longer have health insurance...). I hate the holidays because I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm surrounded by people. I like to blame Hollywood for making me feel that I have to be in a relationship for me to be happy this time of year. This is why I always tell people I hate Christmas, and why I hate watching Christmas movies (or RomComs in general).
Really, I should be blaming myself. I'm a jealous person; a terrible trait in a human being. There's a saying that you always see people in relationships when you're single, and that's how I feel during the holidays. I see the great relationships my friends are in and, while I'm happy for them, it makes me sad because I want that too. I want someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to say Happy New Year, and kiss me at midnight.
I've wasted... yes, wasted, WAY too much time chasing after a boy that I know will never care about me the way I care for him. It's funny that even though I know that, I'll probably always love him in some way. Even now, I've had to force myself not to bend over backwards for him. He was gone for a month and, of course, hasn't had enough gas or money to come see me since getting back to LA. Of course he called me to meet up EVERY DAY that I had specifically said I was not free (like, when I had a show, or 2...). And he's wanted me to drive all the way out to LA to see him, even wanting me to cancel plans with my best friend to see him instead. I didn't, but as soon as I got back from lunch with my friend I almost got in my car to brave rush hour just to see him. That would have been absolutely ridiculous, but it took a little too long for me to get that thought out of my head. If you read 90% of the posts on this blog, they're about him. Usually him being a jerk.
And the funny thing? I may have actually found someone new. The problems is that I forget how this whole thing works. Having an "ex/friend with benefits" for a few years and even before that having NO ONE... also having the last boy you officially dated die... you kind of forget how dating works. Like, I really like this new guy, and I'm surprisingly not completely awkward/quiet when I have hung out with him in person. But I don't know how fast or slow to take things. In the past it's always been super fast. (I have a tendency of having sleepovers with boys before they actually become boyfriends... but get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing sexual happens (usually). More like, talk all night and end up falling asleep kind of stuff). But it's like a match; it's quick to light, and pretty soon the flame is gone.
I want something that'll keep burning. Is that something I'm going to get with this guy? I don't know. It's kind of scary, but refreshing to not know. I want to find out if this is something that'll work or not. So far it's been a lot of texting (though not constant), one phone call from a wedding (which was kind of out of the blue and made me swoon a little), and seeing each other at our mutual friend's house. He's a little hard to read, but I chalk that up to it being hard to infer tone from texts (and he's a guy, which is basically alien to me). He's asked me about a million times what my schedule is like, which makes me think that he's going to ask me out, but he never follows through. I almost had the nerve to ask him the last time we text... but I couldn't do it. Is it super old-fashioned of me to want him to ask me out first? That could also be me fearing rejection.
Maybe he's not even interested. Maybe it's all in my mind. And maybe I'm just being negative again. He's a few years older than me, which is kind of a first. (Contrary to popular belief, I do date guys my own age. I used to get teased because I dated quite a few boys younger than me... but the youngest was Zach, and he was only 3 years younger than me, which is acceptable. The oldest, though, was only a year older and he was so immature I may as well have been dating someone younger). This guy is going to school full-time, and working full-time (so, school during the day, work at night... and sleep/homework in between), leaving little time for dates. We've kind of bonded a little over video games, and Doctor Who (he'd only seen season 1 of the reboot, and since talking with me he's trying to watch the rest).
But since we haven't been on a real date, or even spent basically any time one-on-one, I feel like I don't know too much about him. Silly, but basic, things like middle name, birthdate, brothers and sisters... I don't really know that stuff, nor does he know much about me on that front (though he knows more about me than I about him: my birthday is our mutual friend's wedding anniversary, her nickname for me includes me middle name, and I've mentioned my siblings).
And I'm so indecisive about how to talk to him. Like, even as I'm typing this, I want to text him. Even if it's something super generic like, "How was your weekend?" but I feel stupid doing that, and like I have nothing else to talk about. The problem with the ex I was talking about earlier, is that he is also one of the people I'm closest to and someone I've been friends with for the last decade, so I can call him and have a long conversation like it's nothing. With this new guy, that comfort level and familiarity isn't there (yet). So, it's hard. Our mutual friend (who has blatantly said she wants me to date this guy, and kept having parties so we'd hang out... until I finally caved and gave her the okay to give him my number) makes fun of me whenever I tell her how I literally sit there trying to think of a text to send him, writing and rewriting and ultimately going with "Hi." She's assured me he's probably doing the same thing, but I don't know. I'm very insecure since the only boy who has shown interest in me in the last 5 years is my ex, who clearly wants nothing more than a friend he can occasionally sleep with.
I feel like I'm rambling. I think I'll end this here. I originally intended to write more depressing stuff, because this week is going to be extremely hard, and I'm already a little more of a mess than I should me. I'll probably write that kind of stuff on Wednesday... because this writing thing is nice. Maybe one day I'll actually write a story again...
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