First off, I know I don't write very often, but I must say that I'm not a huge fan of the changes around here.
Anyway
Friends are important. They're there for you when times get tough, when things are great, or when they're just meh. I love my friends. I don't consider myself as having "a lot" of friends. I have about 5-10 people that I feel relatively close to, but only 2-4 I feel like I can really tell anything to. I'm sure there are more beyond this group, but that's all that's coming to mind right now. I love all of my friends. They have been there for me more times than I can count.
That being said, right now I wish I had new friends.
There are a lot of hard things about growing up. One of them is that everyone goes through different stages at different times. For now let's ignore the fact I'm at least a year older than most of my close friends. Instead, let's just look at these stages. On the one hand, I have my guy best friend/friend with benefits: out in a new city trying to make it in his career, devoting basically all of his time and energy to that (This is, of course, all relative and simplified). Then I have my best friend, at a crossroads in her life, in a long term relationship and figuring out what she wants to do. Another friend, working a long term job and going to school, all while living in the arm pit of America. Then there's the Bride-to-be, who is dealing with the stress of a wedding and starting grad school, all while working 2 jobs.
I'm 100% 50/50 the only person who will probably read this knows who each person is.
We are all at different stages in life. This makes it hard sometimes. Like tonight. Today in general has had me pretty down. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I feel like beyond the 4 people mentioned, I really don't have anyone I can just call up and say "hey, what's up? Wanna go do something?" And even with these people it's not always the easiest thing in the world for me to do. The boy snapped at me and got really defensive today when I asked him to go to lunch. The bestie had other plans that were of course going to take longer than expected. One lives in Yuma. The Bride I don't even bother asking because I don't want to add to her stress. I'm complaining, but I completely understand these things (minus the snapping at me, that was just rude). I'm at a different place in my life than they are.
I'm focused on my career, but not as focused as the boy.
I love getting to spend time with my bestie but I know she has a boyfriend and other friends she hangs out with.
I can't even realistically drive to Yuma at the drop of a hat haha.
& I understand that the Bride has WAY too much on her plate to worry about going to get lunch at random.
I understand ALL of these things. But I still sit here crying because it just sucks. I wish I had more people to talk to... to hang out with. I don't feel like I relate to a lot of my "friends" anymore. I've tried using online dating to get dates and just find friends, but mostly I just find douche bags that just want to get in my pants, or people I have no interest in. I thought about taking a class or something to meet new people, but I can't find any in the area that are relevant to my interests (and of course the ones that are relevant are for the 65+ crowd. Apparently I'm an old soul?). I want to move away just because I'd be forced to meet new people.
I just want new friends.
I really do love and appreciate the ones I have. I'm not saying anything to the contrary. But I just keep thinking about the summer ahead of me and I cringe. My bestie will be gone with drum corps all summer as usual. The boy will be gigging and has made is painfully clear that hanging out with me is not a priority and he can't do it all the time. I'll get to spend sometime with the other two while wedding stuff is happening, but even then it's for the wedding and it's all very fleeting. (I can't realistically expect to spend much time with the Bride after the wedding. And the other is going back to Yuma pretty quick after the nuptials.)
For a while, I just wanted a boyfriend because I feel surrounded by couples and I thought that would give me someone to consistently spend time with when everyone else bails on me. I feel selfish for thinking that way. I feel selfish in general right now, since I'm basically complaining that I have no life, but all of my friends do. I don't know. I'm all over the place right now and not feeling the greatest.
Hopefully tomorrow is better.
