I do everything I can to not think about you.
not talk about you.
not call you.
not text you.
when all I want to do is hear your voice.
I miss you more than I want to.
I hate it.
its hard to fight the urge to call you.
especially late at night.
when the loneliness is too much to handle.
soon my resolve will strengthen.
it always does.
something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.
but for now, it's hard to hold it back.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
"A tree for all these problems"
"Well hey, they just like monsters.... though to say we got much hope... if I am lost it's only for a little while..." (Monsters - Band of Horses)
I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.
I'm feelin' pretty lonely.
Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.
It's really upsetting.
I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".
I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.
But I miss my PC friends.
It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.
Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.
There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.
UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.
<3
I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.
I'm feelin' pretty lonely.
Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.
It's really upsetting.
I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".
I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.
But I miss my PC friends.
It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.
Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.
There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.
UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.
<3
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Happy Birthday
Dear Zach,
Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.
I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.
I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.
I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.
I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.
I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.
I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.
Love,
Samantha
Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.
I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.
I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.
I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.
I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.
I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.
I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.
Love,
Samantha
Friday, March 5, 2010
Dear You
Yes, you.
You know who you are.
Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.
I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.
I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.
Especially over you.
Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.
Have a nice life,
Samantha
You know who you are.
Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.
I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.
I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.
Especially over you.
Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.
Have a nice life,
Samantha
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)