You wouldn't be able to tell from the way I complained about writing that damn Columbus paper, but I really do enjoy writing. I always have, since I was in 3rd grade writing poems about Halloween for fun at home. But mostly since my senior AP Lit class/college have I really become passionate about it. I have been reading a lot more, which I strongly believe makes you a better writer, and that has my interest sparked in attempting to write a book.

Now, you might say,"but Sam, you're only 21 and you aren't an English major or have any writing experience." To which I laugh. What does age have to do with anything, for one? I mean, you may as well say, "you can't write, you're a girl," or "you can't write because you live in California." Whatever. That goes for writing experience and my major. I may not have the same skills as an experienced writer or someone who has been studying English literature and writing techniques for the last 4 years, but I do have stuff to offer to the table. Being a History major, I write just about as often as an English major, it's just mostly academic papers (like that hideous Columbus thing I just wrote). I also have the benefit of knowing "stuff." That's not to say English majors don't know "stuff," but I have more knowledge of "stuff." One of my favorite moments from college was my first day in my 19th Century American History class. We learned the history of the weekend. You could probably go look that up on Wikipedia and write about it in some way, but I can use that knowledge I learned and talk about different points in time along the "path to the weekend." I know about why and what was going on when work days became shorter, when days were taken off... basically, I have more background knowledge, more "stuff," at my disposal. Like I said, you could be an English major and already know about how weekends were created. Good for you. I mean, to assume that an English major doesn't know "stuff" would be like the accusation I can't write because I'm not an English major. It's all relative. 

Anyway, I've been looking up ways to make myself a better writer (since I lack all that experience and whatnot). I regularly read the blog of one of my favorite authors, Scott Westerfeld. Turns out that his wife, Justine Larbalestier, is also a writer. How cute. Anyway, this month she is writing about writing in her blog, giving tips and helping other wouldbe writers out there. So I've been reading these blogs and came upon this one. It talks about generating ideas, something that I can do but I'm not very good at. She says to start out, try deconstructing a story you already know, look at the pieces and decide what you would do differently. 

So I did an experiment.

I started with Cinderella (something easy) and ended up with a mightbe story of war-torn romance. WTH? Exactly. It's actually been so fun and I'm only taking a break to write this blog because I need to leave here soon and didn't want to get too wrapped up in working out details. Now, if you're still asking, "WTH?" here's my thought process. 

Cinderella: Story about someone who is kept from happiness by someone else (Evil Stepmother). It is only through the help of another someone else (Fairy Godmother) that they are given the opportunity to enjoy happiness (Prince Charming) briefly before returning to reality. Happiness eventually finds Cinderella without her trying. "And they lived happily ever after."

My Version: Why can't Cinderella be Cinderfella? Guy's can have fantastic stories about happiness too. And does these Evil Stepmother and Fairy Godmother have to be actual people? I vote no. Why not make them objects or situations? I mean, war is evil and it can keep people from happiness, just like the Evil Stepmother. But with war is it ever "happily ever after?"

I'm not going to give away anymore. I actually like this idea, A LOT. I don't want it to be taken away or anything (since it's not like I'm not "borrowing" the idea from anyone already haha). Plus, I still have A LOT more work to do to it. I have 5 possible settings (using that great "stuff" I know as a History major) and I need to work at the kinks to the initial plot, and then do all those "fun" details, like name characters and whatnot. So still a lot more to be done, but at least I generated an idea :D.

Oh, and I finished Invisible Monsters. WOW! I loved it. I mean, I already read the plot summary on Wikipedia (yes, I'm horribly impatient. So sue me.), but it was still so much better than I expected. Thanks Melania for telling me to read it!

Off to pick up my bro from school and choreograph some stuff. 

Bon Chance!

I've made even more progress, but still have not finished that paper. Anyway I'm watching P.S. I Love You, which is an uber cheesy, sad love story if you've never seen it, and I made a realization (that really isn't anything new to me)...

I want to be in love. 

I'm not, nor have I been for a very long time. I love being in love. That's why summer after summer I go into these romantic entanglements with boys who really aren't good for me, crying when they "break my heart," only to realize when I have no more tears to shed that they hardly even scratched it. I want the kind of love that knocks you off your feet, without air. I "feel" that way when I'm with a boy, but not exactly. Not to the point where I need to be with that him no matter what, not to the point so overly dramatized in movies (like the one I'm now watching, The Fountain). I have never truly felt that kind of love. I want that. I want it so bad. 

I'm not an overly religious person. I pray everyday, but I really don't go to church like I should. Despite this, I know that God has a plan. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for all the good and bad that has happened in my life, and I am thankful they have shaped me into the person I've become. I know that one day I will find that love. I just hope that I know it when it comes. I have such an aversion to "love" since my heart has been "broken" so many times. I have tested the waters, looking for love and each time I find a guppy and not the prize catch I'm looking for. (Yeah, that was a really bad line... sorry haha.)  

Maybe I should just NOT watch "love" movies anymore. Maybe then I will not have such ridiculous standards for a boy that doesn't exist somewhere out there for me. At the same time I shouldn't lower my standards, that's exactly what I've been doing. That's how I ended up with a boy who cheated on me, one who left me when I needed support, or was simply someone's rebound. I know now, thanks to months of being learning about myself, that I really am worth more than that. I have been told by all of them, every single one, that I am a good person and great girl, and that has always left me wondering why I "wasn't good enough" for them, why they couldn't stay with me. I realize that it wasn't me, or wasn't completely me, and there has to be a reason, a person out there for me, that lead those things to end. I am definitely not a patient person, and this is a situation which calls for a great deal of patience. I need to just be patient and one day I will find that one boy who meets my ridiculous standards, who truly wants to be with me and I with him.  

Though, I still say I just should NOT watch love movies...

I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging more often, but I really don't know why, no one reads them :P. Anywho, since I called my blog "Learning..." I thought that I should write something about what I'm learning, which means I'm going to write a little about this stupid Columbus paper that I'm still not done with. I actually did make progress. I reached the minimum word count, but I've only covered 1 of my 3 comparisons. Joy. I figure writing the paper from a more explanatory, not-actually-writing-my-stupid-paper way, will help clear my head and thoughts a little.

So, yeah. Columbus. We watched this Ridley Scott  movie in my class called 1492: Conquest of Paradise and we are supposed to compare that with the 6 pages of his actual diary we read. Yeah, you try to make that work. Anyway, I've been comparing the first sighting of land, first meeting with the natives and... well, I'll think of a third thing to compare once I've written the other stuff. It needs to be between 500 and 1,000 words and I think I have 470 something. Basically, in the text, the first sighting was made by some guy named Rodrigo de Triana, who was on the lead ship that wasn't even the flagship. Columbus didn't see land first. In the movie he is heroically hanging off the bow of the Santa Maria, watching the island appear out of the fog... give me a break, they really found land at 2 in the morning. And in the first meeting, the movie shows the natives as being so... child-like. They come up and hesitantly touch the Spaniards. It's so much like a little kid who sees a puppy or a toy for the first time. The book, if you can call it that, has them trading things with the Spanish and being curious, but not so overly played up curious. Yeah, I'm still working on that third thing... I'll think of something, I kind of have to. At least I actually started the paper more than just the day before. 

So, as I sit here watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, falling asleep and not completely sure why I'm awake, I need to be up at 6am, ready to choreograph. Oh joy. I'm not feeling as... woah-is-me as I have been in the last few days. Seriously, I think that the wouldbe, mightbe commitment that was looming kind of killed my "happy."I think that I'm a little better now. I admitted that I cannot say with honesty that I love him anymore. I don't. I care for him, but there has been too much time, too many others, too much... basically I've grown away from that love I felt so long ago, when I was much more naive and young. I understand more of what it means to love someone, to be in love and to be loved. Mostly from the lack of those feelings and emotions I have experiences with other. I am just starting to learn who I am and what I want... being single has never been easy for me, I hate being alone, but for the last 5 months I have been getting to know myself better and make choices for myself better than I ever have before. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to have that taken away. Even if it is only taken away to an infinitesimally small degree.

Buenos Noches 

Thoughts brought up through procrastination

Ok, so I'm not done with that paper, but whatever. I'm still going to write something here. 

I've been thinking a lot today, probably too much. Story of my life. Oh well. I'm having the familiar heavy, lurking feeling that usually hits right before a panic attack. I've been purposely trying to stay away from forms of communication and I'm tired. Yay for signs of depression. I refuse to let myself be labeled that way again. It's stupid. I say that I've been staying away from my phone and instant messenger because of my paper, and I have been, but that's not the full story. I really just don't want to talk to people. Some people I could talk to, but they're not the ones most likely to talk to me. 

Specifically, I'm staying away from Noah. I know that's pretty stupid, but I am. (Though, he is not the person I have been "avoiding.") It's my usual defensive behavior. It's not that I'm feeling smothered, but I'm feeling smothered. I am honest-to-God afraid of commitment in any form. I care about him and it was fun when we were talking and everything was still unclear, but once we talked about the possibility of "rekindling" things and me going to Memphis... I panicked. I really don't get it. I guess 5 failed relationships in the last 4 years has really ruined me. I mean, Noah and I even talked about how there really isn't a chance of anything working between us; the distance is too great. On top of that we want so many different things, that part I thought about but I haven't talked with him about. Still, just the thought of any sort of commitment, even possible commitment, scares the crap out of me. Heck, the last time I had a crush on someone I had a mini-freak out because even that was too much for me, and I never even told the guy (nor do I plan on it). I don't know, it's just had me kind of down today is all. 

My grandparents are here right now. They came over for dinner. I love them and I know they won't be around much longer but it kind of depresses me more since I know they won't be here much longer. Ugh, I feel like Elliot on Scrubs. Let me explain, the first episode of the new season ("My Jerk"... yes, I do know episode names. Sad but true.) Carla and Dr. Cox tell Elliot that she is self-involved. I feel very self-involved at the moment. I think that I'm a pretty self-involved person. I try not to be, but I worry too much about myself and my problems. Even by going through this rant about how self-involved I am, I am being even more self-involved. Cruel, cruel cycle. 

I'm currently reading the book Invisible Monsters, I might have mentioned that last time, and it is fantastic. I have gotten into the horrible habit of reading the plot summaries on Wikipedia of books I'm reading before I read them. I know, basically, the entire story before I even finish the book. So, though I'm only about halfway through the novel (if you know the book, I just got to where Brandy Alexander is revealed to be Shane), I know how the story ends. I feel like I'm one of the characters in this book, minus the mutilation, homosexuality, drugs and sex. I feel like I'm lying to myself. Lying so much so that I have no clue who the hell I am anymore. The only things I know are constant are: I want to be a teacher (though the grade level and things of that nature are most definitely not constant), I want to move out, I love to spin/dance. I can't even say that I love drum corps anymore because my relationship with one of the only places I have ever felt completely accepted has been tainted. Coming home last summer still stings. People bring up "oh yeah, on tour we..." and they tell me this big long story that I should remember and about halfway through they say, "oh, sorry. I forgot that you weren't there." 

"These things happen." 

Summer's words ring oh so true. I'm falling in for my ex, "These things happen."I'm scared to death about it, "These things happen." I love my family but hate living at home, "These things happen." I feel completely trapped and under appreciated at one of my jobs, "These things happen." I hate being alone, "These things happen." I'm terrified of commitment but want a relationship, "These things happen." I feel like life is at a standstill, "These things happen."

C'est la vie.

Anyway, I must admit, I have had a tad to drink tonight (if you call a cranberry juice w/vodka and half a glass of wine drinking) and I'm actually pretty tired. I've started outlining my paper, and though I don't plan on writing anything that will be graded while "under the influence," I really should outline something... or something productive... 

Au Revoir

Something new....

I really do plan on posting something, honest. But it is 2am after all, so I think I will some other time... Like when I finish my stupid Columbus paper tomorrow.

BTW, Invisible Monsters is a fantastic book. I'm still just shocked to realize who people are... Seth is Manus, Brandy Alexander is Shane... Sorry if I just spoiled stuff for people who haven't read it. Not that it matters since no one will read this. :] my personal, public secrets. 

Bon Soir