I've been watching the documentary called The Hunting Ground this morning. That and the the recent news about the Stanford rape case, had brought up a lot of really repressed feelings. In August 2008 I was sexually assaulted. I don't really talk about it because I don't want to think about it. When I do think about it, my anxiety and depression do get much worse. I'm sure now that I'm seeing a psychologist, but with it being so ever present in the news lately, I've been forced to think about it.
When it happened I was too scared to press charges. I was just so focused on being back to "normal" that I didn't want to pursue it. I also didn't think that he would get any punishment. So why put myself through more grief? The rape kit didn't find any DNA evidence, I was blackout drunk, and the only thing I could really tell was that I woke up naked with him touching my butt. To me, I didn't seem like I had a case so why go through having to talk to him again or having to talk to more police? I already had to deal with my thoughts and my mom constantly looking at me like I was broken, or like she had failed.
To be honest, things did go back to normal relatively quick, so it was easy to push it out of my mind. I know a lot of people know what happened to me, but the one who knows the most is one of my best friends. She was there, unaware that anything happened until the next morning. Our other friend that was there, who I thought I was closer with, pretty much stopped talking to me afterward. I think she felt guilty, which I didn't want, but as my psychologist told me, I can't control how other people think/react.
I keep having to pause this documentary. I've wanted to watch it since I saw it nominated for an Academy Award. But because I can relate to these girls (and a few guys) so much, I can't just watch it all the way through. It happened to me in a college town, near one of the biggest LA schools (UCLA), but it wasn't a school where I was a student nor was the other person a student. Still, hearing how helpless these girls feel, I felt the same way.
I don't even know why I'm writing this right now. Probably because I'm home alone, with no one to talk with about this stuff. The person I'm closest to in the world I still have a hard time telling about this. Jon knows, but I didn't go in to detail about it. I've blocked so much out that it's just flashes of memories anyway. But I love him so much, I don't want him to hurt at all hearing about these things. I'm just a little mess right now.
