I know, I know. I complain too much about being single. Mostly because this is one of the few places I can get my frustrations out. I think I preface every one of these entries that way anymore, and though I probably have all of 2 readers, I still feel it necessary to note that I'm not ALWAYS focused on being miserably single. I do enjoy life and being single, promise. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a boyfriend too.
I know, like, way too many people getting married. I really, truly am happy for them. I mean that with all my heart. I love that people I know and care about have found the one person to complete them, their soul mate if you will. But when I see things on facebook that are pretty lovey dovey, coupley bull shit, I wanna cry. I want that. I want that so badly. I'm so focused on other things right now, paying off student loans, finishing my credential, helping out at home... I never do anything or go anywhere where I can meet people. The one boy who semi cares about me I push away simply because I know that nothing could and ever will happen. It's horrible. I want to be more out there. I attempted the online dating thing for a hot second then realized how many people on the internet can lie and stopped. I'm lonely.
I feel bad for my best friend. I almost feel like I put that loneliness on her too much. Whenever I'm upset or excited or whatever, I text/IM/call/talk to her about it. And that's not a bad thing. She's probably the first friend I've had that I could do that with and get that close to. I love that I have her there for me if I need her and even when I don't. But she does have a boyfriend and one of my biggest fears is getting in the way of her relationship with him. I don't want to be a nuisance. I don't want to be that girl. I especially don't want to be a third wheel. I love Mark, but I don't want to be in that position. And I'm sure they wouldn't want that either. I felt almost embarrassed when she told me that had talked about possibly hooking me up with one of his roommates. As much as I kinda want to meet a guy through my friends (since I figure it's a good way of meeting someone when you're shy, and making sure they aren't a creeper) I feel like "wow, am I that desperate?" And apparently they're good at the match making thing since they got some PC peeps together.
I don't know. I just saw a few too many soon-to-be-married gooey status updates and needed to vent. OH! I think I've mentioned this before, but OLIVIA is now saying how much she hates people talking about getting married. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SHUT UP! haha I get that he's gone for the summer and that sucks, but I have no one. I have no boyfriend. She's halfway to the married thing basically. Sans ring.
Anyway, I wanna read a little before bed. "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" is starting to get really good. It only took 300 pages for the story to really start haha.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Restless Summer Sunday
Today is one of those days. One of those days where nothing seems to satisfy. Nothing is enough to fill the boredom.
It's been a rather typical Sunday by all accounts. Slept in, nice breakfast. Watching a few hours of the History channel. Caught a movie with my brother. Now I'm sitting here. Watching fragments of movies while flipping through the channels.
I just want to get out.
There is something about today. Maybe it's the way the sun is angled, or... I don't even know. I just know that this is one of those afternoons. They usually happen in the summer time. Where the light comes through the windows in just the right way. Where things feel a little, stale. I really don't know how to describe it. It gives me this heavy, almost anxious feeling in my chest. Almost like building up for a scream. And that's kind of what I feel like, screaming. I want to just get out. Drive without a destination. Just get out, explore. But I'm also too paranoid of going places alone, and I know that realistically I shouldn't. I have work early in the morning, and I really shouldn't be wasting gas...
But the urge to get out of the house, to leave somewhere else... it's so strong I could scream.
I think sometimes that I read too much or watch too many movies. I get these pictures in my head. "Perfect" moments. And I just want to be in those moments. Right now, I want to be by the ocean. Just sit and listen to the waves, do some people watching. That would be perfect. Or even go to Downtown LA. I don't know why, but that just seems like the place to be right now. I wish there was a way to quench this thirst. To make this anxious feeling leave. But I don't want to go alone. I don't mind driving alone. But this void I'm feeling, it's one of those times where I feel like sitting with someone. I wish there was someone around that I could hang out with. Go on an adventure to look for that "perfect" moment to live in. And I'm sure I could find someone, but I'm not the best at looking.
So now I sit here. Perhaps I'll read something. Who knows. Even writing, which can usually settle my nerves, isn't helping with this feeling.
Oh how wonderful summer can be... if only I had someone with me to go on adventures
It's been a rather typical Sunday by all accounts. Slept in, nice breakfast. Watching a few hours of the History channel. Caught a movie with my brother. Now I'm sitting here. Watching fragments of movies while flipping through the channels.
I just want to get out.
There is something about today. Maybe it's the way the sun is angled, or... I don't even know. I just know that this is one of those afternoons. They usually happen in the summer time. Where the light comes through the windows in just the right way. Where things feel a little, stale. I really don't know how to describe it. It gives me this heavy, almost anxious feeling in my chest. Almost like building up for a scream. And that's kind of what I feel like, screaming. I want to just get out. Drive without a destination. Just get out, explore. But I'm also too paranoid of going places alone, and I know that realistically I shouldn't. I have work early in the morning, and I really shouldn't be wasting gas...
But the urge to get out of the house, to leave somewhere else... it's so strong I could scream.
I think sometimes that I read too much or watch too many movies. I get these pictures in my head. "Perfect" moments. And I just want to be in those moments. Right now, I want to be by the ocean. Just sit and listen to the waves, do some people watching. That would be perfect. Or even go to Downtown LA. I don't know why, but that just seems like the place to be right now. I wish there was a way to quench this thirst. To make this anxious feeling leave. But I don't want to go alone. I don't mind driving alone. But this void I'm feeling, it's one of those times where I feel like sitting with someone. I wish there was someone around that I could hang out with. Go on an adventure to look for that "perfect" moment to live in. And I'm sure I could find someone, but I'm not the best at looking.
So now I sit here. Perhaps I'll read something. Who knows. Even writing, which can usually settle my nerves, isn't helping with this feeling.
Oh how wonderful summer can be... if only I had someone with me to go on adventures
Sunday, July 11, 2010
22 years, 362 days...
It's almost my birthday. It's weird to think that I'm almost 23. Not an exciting age, but still... it's one of those ages where it just sounds old. I feel old. An injury from 2007 has come back to haunt me. I've been babying a hurt shoulder for almost a week now. I even had to go to the doctors for another cortisone shot, it hurt. So that's been happening. I've been uber moody from PMSing. It's really sad that I KNOW that I'm being a little over the top, especially with my anger, but I just NEED to get it out. It's hard to explain. Olivia has decided that we're making these fucking curtains, I don't even want, yet I spent almost $100 on the materials for them, and I've done all the sewing thus far. It's really annoying, and especially with how moody I am, there has been a lot of yelling lately.
The shoulder thing has really made life suck, because I'm trying to lose 8 pounds, and when it hurts to move the shoulder, it's hard to do anything. I've been trying to wake up early every morning and go running, but I decided not to on Thursday and Friday, or over the weekend. So I ran about 2 miles last week. I'm going to try to do it every morning this week, but I already think that I may not on birthday. But then again, I may still run that day. I mean, I never thought the day would come when Olivia weighs 6 pounds less than me. I'm 133 according to Kaiser. I mean, that's not horrible, but I'd so rather be 120-125. So that's the goal for the summer: at least be 125 by the time I start school. I miss drum corps. I don't want to be that age out that suddenly gains a ton of weight. Yeah, yeah I'm not 300lb or something, but still this is a lot to me and I'm extremely self-conscious of my weight. I mean, I've always been small. I don't want to deal with people going "oh you put on a little" trying to be cute. That kills me. Hell, I get crap from my parents for wanting to eat a little healthier. I'm sorry I don't want to be over 200lbs. I hate saying it, but I don't want to be like my mom. It's in her genes, which means it's in mine too.
Sigh
I feel like a total jack ass now.
Anyway, so I don't even know what else to type about. I could complain a little about being single, how annoying Noah is when he sends me stupid things about Rock-a-sauras Rex, or how my heart is slowly breaking because PC will be leaving for tour this week, but I'm really annoying myself right now with simple dwelling on all of the above. I think I my just go to sleep. I needed to type a little bit.
The shoulder thing has really made life suck, because I'm trying to lose 8 pounds, and when it hurts to move the shoulder, it's hard to do anything. I've been trying to wake up early every morning and go running, but I decided not to on Thursday and Friday, or over the weekend. So I ran about 2 miles last week. I'm going to try to do it every morning this week, but I already think that I may not on birthday. But then again, I may still run that day. I mean, I never thought the day would come when Olivia weighs 6 pounds less than me. I'm 133 according to Kaiser. I mean, that's not horrible, but I'd so rather be 120-125. So that's the goal for the summer: at least be 125 by the time I start school. I miss drum corps. I don't want to be that age out that suddenly gains a ton of weight. Yeah, yeah I'm not 300lb or something, but still this is a lot to me and I'm extremely self-conscious of my weight. I mean, I've always been small. I don't want to deal with people going "oh you put on a little" trying to be cute. That kills me. Hell, I get crap from my parents for wanting to eat a little healthier. I'm sorry I don't want to be over 200lbs. I hate saying it, but I don't want to be like my mom. It's in her genes, which means it's in mine too.
Sigh
I feel like a total jack ass now.
Anyway, so I don't even know what else to type about. I could complain a little about being single, how annoying Noah is when he sends me stupid things about Rock-a-sauras Rex, or how my heart is slowly breaking because PC will be leaving for tour this week, but I'm really annoying myself right now with simple dwelling on all of the above. I think I my just go to sleep. I needed to type a little bit.
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