"Slowly, and then all at once"

I decided to reread The Fault in Our Stars since the movie comes out next week. I forgot how much I love this book. And how emotional it makes me. For the last hour, as I've read the last half of the book, I have basically been sobbing. If you know the story, then you know what happens. And while this is the third time I've read the book, it still makes me sob. While I've been fortunate enough to never had a serious illness or lose anyone very close to me to one, I still find so many things to relate to. Things that I'm scared to admit still bother me or that I worry about. I dare say that Looking For Alaska hits a little closer to home, in a more literal sense of what happens in the plot. But TFiOS brings up old memories.

And this is where I'm going to put a big spoiler, so just stop reading if you don't wanna see it.

When Hazel gets the phone call about Gus, it takes me back to that sunny November morning when I got the phone call about Zach. When I read about how hurt Hazel is and how upset she is, I feel like I'm reliving that morning over again.


The book also makes think of happy things too. I can relate to their love. But this book... as it says, "pain demands to be felt." And feel it I do. As I've been laying here basically sobbing over a book and fictional characters, I've wanted nothing more than to call Jon and tell him just how much I love him. It's a reminder of just how short life is and how fragile we are. To paraphrase Augustus Waters says, I am not in the business of denying myself pleasures, and I am in love with him. (The him being Jon, but who isn't in love with Augustus Waters, am I right?)

So, there really was no point to this post. I just needed to get out some pent up emotion, and I've actually cried so much that my throat hurts and my eyes are swollen, so this was a better outlet.

Birthdays

It's Mother's Day! A time that we honor all the women who brought us into this world. These women gave us birth to us, gave us life. On the day of our individual births, we celebrate being another year older. My mom always pointed out to me, half jokingly, that this seemed a little selfish. Mothers should get presents on the birthdays of their children! Each child's birthday should be that mom's Mother's Day. She pointed out that she was the one who spent 18+ hours in labor with me, she should get a present on my birthday. But alas, this is not that how we do things in our society.

While I love my mother and appreciate those 18+ hours of labor, 10 extra days that she carried me in the womb, and all the things she's ever done for me in my (almost) 27 years on this earth, I am like most people and look forward to my birthday each year.

Right now I am having a lot of interesting thoughts involving birthdays. This coming Thursday Jon turns 29. I am a little strapped for cash and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for him for his birthday, so I am giving him a picture of us with Darth Vader and making him a cake. We're also going to Las Vegas next month and I'm paying for the room. You see, Jon's birthday is 2 months, almost to the day, before mine. My birthday is July 14th, his is May 15th. Originally I wanted to take him on a trip to Las Vegas for his birthday. But with Mother's Day, weddings (we're going to one next weekend), and other things we have to go to, there was no time to take a trip until June. When I told him about this plan and how upset I was I couldn't plan it closer to his birthday, he came up with the brilliant idea of splitting the difference and celebrating both of our birthdays in June. I loved this idea.

Now, I'm terrible with secrets. I'm surprised I've kept it quiet this long about what I am giving him. But I'm worse when a secret is kept from me. I'm one of those people who seeks out spoilers for TV shows and movies, who will ask a million questions trying to get the truth out of a person. Friday I was texting Jon and he said he was out buying a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. Adorable. Then he says that he thinks he found a gift for me for my birthday. I told him that I really don't need a gift, he will probably pay for most things on our trip to Las Vegas, and I just don't need a gift. Plus it's 2 months away, he doesn't need to worry about it.

Fast forward to last night at dinner. My tipsy boyfriend (we'd just come from a friend's house) tells me that he bought me the gift, says that it has a deeper meaning, and I can't see it until my birthday. He also mentioned that he told our friend Summer what it is. I now have to wait 2 months for this mystery gift. I tried to ask Summer what the gift is, but she wouldn't tell me. She said I'd love it and that it's a "no pressure" gift along the lines of something we'd talked about yesterday. Before Jon told me that he actually bought the gift, I had told Summer that it was kind of cool that he had already found a gift he wanted to give me, and that I felt super selfish in hoping it was like a necklace or earrings or something. I haven't had a boyfriend for many birthdays, and I was feeling silly getting my hopes up about that kind of thing.

So, since Summer has at least hinted that may be something along those lines, I feel like I have actually gotten my hopes up. I also feel like now my gift for him is not good enough. I know that he'll love it just because it's from me. And I know that no matter what he gives me, I'll love it. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. Do I know if Summer is telling me the truth? No. I honestly have no clue what he's gotten me, and it's already killing me that I'll have to wait until July to know what it is. But at the same time, I actually want to be surprised. Since I have a habit of ruining surprises for myself, I want this one. I'm excited not to know, just as much as I'm anxious not knowing.

So, Jon has to wait until Saturday for his birthday present, I have to wait until July 14th. It's going to be a long 2 months...