No, I'm not engaged. I know that my title is a little misleading. But after this weekend, I almost feel like I am.
This weekend I went to Jon's cousin's wedding. This was actually my first time meeting a lot of these family members, so I was a little stressed out all weekend. Before heading to the wedding, there was an emergency vet visit for Jon's dog Frankie (I've never seen Jon so worried). He had a seizure while sitting on his dad's lap. Then, Jon was in the wedding so I actually had to spend a good chunk of the wedding without him. I talked a lot with his mom. Once the reception happened, it was kind of all fun from there. I was at a table with Jon, his brother and the other Samantha (yeah, his brother is dating a girl named Samantha too), and his 2 cousin's who are almost like sisters, and the one cousin's boyfriend.
I told myself at the beginning of the weekend I wasn't going to be shy and just sit there all night. I was really bad at the first 2 weddings we went to together (since we've been to so many together now haha). So I really made an effort to be as outgoing as I could be. I willingly went on the dance floor I tried to talk to people and be myself as much as possible. I had so much fun.
When it got toward the end of the evening, it came time for the bouquet toss. Now, I wanted to make sure that it didn't look like I was really trying, but I was totally really trying. I kind of reluctantly got up to go out on the floor only after one of his cousin's got up. When I stood there, I kind of made sure I was in the middle of the floor. I looked to where the bride was, and tried to figure where she'd throw it. The girls from our table were all on the left of me, a little off to the side. Now, in all honesty, one of Jon's cousin's will most likely be the next one to get married. She's been dating her boyfriend for a few years now and they just bought a house together. But, for this fleeting moment, I wanted to be the one to catch that bouquet. Luckily for me, the girls I stood behind were shorter than me (I love wearing heels sometimes haha), and all I had to do was reach up. I'm pretty sure I had a look of sheer shock on my face once I caught it. I mean, Jon and I haven't even been dating a year yet (one more month until the anniversary), and on top of it this was my first time meeting a lot of these people. So I was kind of like "did that just happen?!" Jon's family wanted to give me a bunch of hugs. His mom said, "I'm sorry, but I just have to hug you right now." Then, of course, they start egging him on, saying how he's gotta catch the guarder now. He didn't, but more on that in a little bit.
It was a great evening, and I couldn't have had a better time. That night I just got to cuddle with him and I was completely content. I've made it no secret here that I want to marry Jon one day. Not necessarily right now (though I'm the most impatient person in the world and would absolutely love that), but one day. I've kind of had a sort of ish conversation about this stuff before with Jon, but it wasn't really the most informative conversation. I couldn't even say anything really. I've been wanting to have an actual conversation about this kind of stuff with him, and after the whole bouquet thing, I felt like may this was my ice breaker. After some panic attacks because I hate having to leave on Sunday nights and I get super stressed out because of work, I somehow found the courage to tell him that I was really trying hard to catch that bouquet. He said, "who says I wasn't trying to catch that guarder?" Not that I was trying to imply that he wasn't trying, but he was just making a point to show that he was trying too. I ended up giving him my phone, because I was still too nervous to actually say the questions I wanted to ask, and I showed him a conversation I had actually just had with Summer earlier in the week. I had told her how much I wanted to bring it up with him but I wasn't sure how to bring up the "m" word. I let him read that whole conversation, and when he finished he asked what I meant by the "m" word. I began blushing and getting flustered, of course. He told me that just because he plays dumb doesn't mean he is dumb. He's kind of known I've wanted to talk to him about it, seeing how fast I change what's on my phone when I've been pinteresting wedding type stuff. He said he was waiting for me to have the guts to say something. And that I'm a smart girl who should have a lot more confidence in myself. I'm never going to be 100% sure of anything, and I need to take a chance every once in a while. And I already know that I shouldn't be afraid to say anything to him if he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Jon let me know that Summer was right when she said that he wants to wait until he's done with school and stuff, but he loves me and sees us together for a very long time. I told him that I don't expect anything right now, I just want to have the security of knowing that I'm not going to have my heart broken 1 or 2 or 5 years from now. I want to know that it's in the realm of possibilities, something that he wants too. And yes, he does. Of course, I'm going to stress and panic about everything always because that's just who I am, and he knows that (he made sure to remind me that I let him know that from the beginning and he's understanding) but it made me feel so much better and so much more at ease all day just because I know that he wants the same things that I want. I think I've been certain for at least the last 4 months that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which is completely terrifying to me haha. Not that I'm terrified, but just that I'm so certain and so sure after such a short time. I'm not 100% sure that he's as certain or sure as I am, but that's ok. Like I said, I'm not expecting a ring any time soon. I mean, I'd like to be married before I'm 30, but I know it's not going to happen before he's 30 (since that's just about 7 months away haha). I love him, and he loves me. And right now that's all I can ever hope for. And I know that he's not going anywhere, which is definitely a bonus.
Of course the whole ride home from his house last night I was having girly fantasies about everything under the sun. In my head I already have picked out who my bridesmaids would be, what kind of ring I'd want.... (I may have taken him to Macys earlier in the day to do some "christmas shopping" and I may have lingered around the jewelry display for some really beautiful sapphire rings, because I'm weird and for some reason I have it in my head that I don't know if I'd necessarily want a big fancy diamond. Sapphires are a pretty dark blue, and a round sapphire with a little halo of diamonds on a white gold setting.... I mean, not that I've been looking or anything... haha... and I'm not saying I wouldn't be opposed to a diamond either. He'll pick out the perfect ring when the time comes).
But, since as it's taken me a few hours to write this (because I am exhausted and easily distracted) I'm going to call it a night.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
It's been a while...
I have a million other things I should probably be doing right now, but I feel like I need to do something that isn't school related for a little while.
I got the job that I talked about interviewing for in the last post. It's been a great and completely overwhelming experience. I found out about a week after the interview. Not even a week, actually. I got the call while I was coaching color guard. My guard kids all ran over and gave me a hug because I was so happy I was on the verge of tears. I told the band director and he gave me a big hug, he knows how long I've been working for this.
I feel like I have so much to talk about but not even remotely enough time. It took forever to actually get in my classroom. Lots of paper work and bureaucracy. I got to meet my classes a few times before starting. It was good and bad because I got to see what I was in for. I'm teaching 1 period of US history, 4 periods of World history... one of which is all English Learners. I have to have a translator in the classroom with me just so students can kind of have an idea of what is going on.
I started the job on October 15th. It was the PSAT, so I actually only got to see one class. The next day was the Great Shake Out, so disaster drill during my largest, most chaotic class.
I've been through so many things so far. I've had LOTS of help from other teachers. I've made at least one friend and my department seems great so far. I "officially" started BTSA yesterday. I have so much I should be doing for that right now.
Apparently I just like having too much going on in my life. I'm still coaching color guard, for now. I want to keep being involved in some way, but I'm not really sure how long I can keep it up the way I've been doing. I was saying not too long ago that this may be my last year. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, like something I wanted. But now that the decision is kind of becoming final without me having too much say, I'm really wishing I could keep doing it. I love color guard. I've been doing it in some way for 13 years. Most of that time has been teaching it. I really hate the idea of leaving those students half way through the year. I was actually looking forward to winter guard, now I know that I really won't be able to be there for it. I've already started kind of talking my exit strategy with Nordquist. In my head, it makes sense to have Lynsey come back and replace me. If nothing else, just until the end of the school year. I love Stephanie, and I'm sure she'll be fine with the kids without me. But I know that Crystal can't really be there all the time and I trust Lynsey so much. I said I could be a "consultant," coming in whenever I can, going to a few shows. But the reality is, I have SO much I need to do at my "big girl" job. I need to focus my time and energy on teaching.
That being said, I still want to have a life too. I actually had another Social Studies teacher pop her head in my room after school today (I rarely leave before 3:30 when school ends at 3) and say, "Go home! Remember, you have a life outside of here. They don't put murphy beds in the classrooms!" And she's right. I've been working for probably 3ish hours since being home on planning lessons. I have a bunch of paper work and journals I need to write for my BTSA Support Provider by next thursday. I have a million teacher things to do. But I have friend things, and girlfriend things too. Friday I have to drive all the way to Claremont for Jon's cousin's rehearsal dinner, then I'm going with him to the wedding on Saturday. I'm just going to be meeting pretty much all the family I haven't met yet, no pressure or anything. I want to make sure when I'm with him on weekends, I'm spending that time with him and not working on things. I only get to see him those few days, I don't want to spend that precious time typing on my computer when I can be joking or talking or cuddling with him. I'm also been talking with Summer about how serious I am about Jon, and how I'm thinking about talking to him about it. He's just as much a priority as teaching. We're talking trips, he was talking about futures the other day where we apparently own 5 dogs... This is just as important to me as anything else. He has been my little cheerleader. I've been having BAD anxiety attacks. Mostly at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hard, they suck. Students are cranky, I'm still getting my feet on the ground. Usually I run into more behavior problems at the beginning of the week. It's been rough. Jon has dealt with SO many crazy texts that prove I should probably get checked out for something. I am constantly crying and a wreck, or telling him how much I love and appreciate him and how much he supports me. I feel like I'm being a crappy girlfriend and not supporting him as much as I should. I'm trying but it's hard to juggle everything. But he's been my rock. I've been able to cry to him about everything and he gives me a new perspective on things.
It feels like my future is coming true but not entirely. Like this job, only a one year position. I get to be a real teacher for one year, then who knows what'll happen. They said they'll do their best to keep me but it doesn't look like enrollment will call for another teacher. Jon, well, things are pretty darn made up in my mind. I can see myself growing old with him. I want to be there with him for everything. I would love to get some confirmation from him that he wants that too. I would love a ring, but I don't even need that just yet. I just want peace of mind knowing that he wants something like that in the future. I told Summer, I'm channeling all of my anxieties about work into other anxieties to make things more bearable.
Alright. I now wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis and I'm exhausted. Until next time!
I got the job that I talked about interviewing for in the last post. It's been a great and completely overwhelming experience. I found out about a week after the interview. Not even a week, actually. I got the call while I was coaching color guard. My guard kids all ran over and gave me a hug because I was so happy I was on the verge of tears. I told the band director and he gave me a big hug, he knows how long I've been working for this.
I feel like I have so much to talk about but not even remotely enough time. It took forever to actually get in my classroom. Lots of paper work and bureaucracy. I got to meet my classes a few times before starting. It was good and bad because I got to see what I was in for. I'm teaching 1 period of US history, 4 periods of World history... one of which is all English Learners. I have to have a translator in the classroom with me just so students can kind of have an idea of what is going on.
I started the job on October 15th. It was the PSAT, so I actually only got to see one class. The next day was the Great Shake Out, so disaster drill during my largest, most chaotic class.
I've been through so many things so far. I've had LOTS of help from other teachers. I've made at least one friend and my department seems great so far. I "officially" started BTSA yesterday. I have so much I should be doing for that right now.
Apparently I just like having too much going on in my life. I'm still coaching color guard, for now. I want to keep being involved in some way, but I'm not really sure how long I can keep it up the way I've been doing. I was saying not too long ago that this may be my last year. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, like something I wanted. But now that the decision is kind of becoming final without me having too much say, I'm really wishing I could keep doing it. I love color guard. I've been doing it in some way for 13 years. Most of that time has been teaching it. I really hate the idea of leaving those students half way through the year. I was actually looking forward to winter guard, now I know that I really won't be able to be there for it. I've already started kind of talking my exit strategy with Nordquist. In my head, it makes sense to have Lynsey come back and replace me. If nothing else, just until the end of the school year. I love Stephanie, and I'm sure she'll be fine with the kids without me. But I know that Crystal can't really be there all the time and I trust Lynsey so much. I said I could be a "consultant," coming in whenever I can, going to a few shows. But the reality is, I have SO much I need to do at my "big girl" job. I need to focus my time and energy on teaching.
That being said, I still want to have a life too. I actually had another Social Studies teacher pop her head in my room after school today (I rarely leave before 3:30 when school ends at 3) and say, "Go home! Remember, you have a life outside of here. They don't put murphy beds in the classrooms!" And she's right. I've been working for probably 3ish hours since being home on planning lessons. I have a bunch of paper work and journals I need to write for my BTSA Support Provider by next thursday. I have a million teacher things to do. But I have friend things, and girlfriend things too. Friday I have to drive all the way to Claremont for Jon's cousin's rehearsal dinner, then I'm going with him to the wedding on Saturday. I'm just going to be meeting pretty much all the family I haven't met yet, no pressure or anything. I want to make sure when I'm with him on weekends, I'm spending that time with him and not working on things. I only get to see him those few days, I don't want to spend that precious time typing on my computer when I can be joking or talking or cuddling with him. I'm also been talking with Summer about how serious I am about Jon, and how I'm thinking about talking to him about it. He's just as much a priority as teaching. We're talking trips, he was talking about futures the other day where we apparently own 5 dogs... This is just as important to me as anything else. He has been my little cheerleader. I've been having BAD anxiety attacks. Mostly at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hard, they suck. Students are cranky, I'm still getting my feet on the ground. Usually I run into more behavior problems at the beginning of the week. It's been rough. Jon has dealt with SO many crazy texts that prove I should probably get checked out for something. I am constantly crying and a wreck, or telling him how much I love and appreciate him and how much he supports me. I feel like I'm being a crappy girlfriend and not supporting him as much as I should. I'm trying but it's hard to juggle everything. But he's been my rock. I've been able to cry to him about everything and he gives me a new perspective on things.
It feels like my future is coming true but not entirely. Like this job, only a one year position. I get to be a real teacher for one year, then who knows what'll happen. They said they'll do their best to keep me but it doesn't look like enrollment will call for another teacher. Jon, well, things are pretty darn made up in my mind. I can see myself growing old with him. I want to be there with him for everything. I would love to get some confirmation from him that he wants that too. I would love a ring, but I don't even need that just yet. I just want peace of mind knowing that he wants something like that in the future. I told Summer, I'm channeling all of my anxieties about work into other anxieties to make things more bearable.
Alright. I now wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis and I'm exhausted. Until next time!
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