So with the New Year there should be changes and resolutions and blah blah blah...
Unfortunately, the New Year just gets me down a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm also PMSing (TMI?) but regardless, I'm a tad bit down.
Within the first few days of the year, I told my mom how I felt really self-conscious while my sister was here because she has lost TONS of weight since the last time I saw her. Not that she was ever big before, just that she is a twig now. My mom took this family picture at Christmas and I feel like a cow in the picture because I am obviously 30 lbs heavier than her. I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's really not. When I told my mom these feelings, I was kind of hoping that my mom would said something like, "You're fine sweetie, you're beautiful."Instead, my mom said, "Well, maybe you should do what your sister does." For a little clarification, my sister does about an hour of yoga/pilates every day and eats like a bird; boarder line health freak, if you will.
So my year started off with me feeling like a heifer. Did I mention that I was also going on a date later that night? I ended up drinking most of my meals that day, then riding my stationary bike for about 45 minutes, 13 miles... I felt like crying that entire day. Of course my wonderful date made me feel a lot better that night. When I mentioned what my mom had said, his response was "Your sister is too skinny. Girls are supposed to have curves." And then I think he may have said something about liking my curves, but maybe that's me exaggerating or just wishfully thinking.... But more on that story later.
So after that night, I was feeling somewhat better. I've been trying really hard to put my little blender I got for Christmas to good use making smoothies for breakfast everyday, Making sure I'm not just sitting on my ass all day, getting on my bike a little more. But, I'm starting to feel down again today. I was feeling like 2014 would be a good year. It still may be, it's only the first week... but I feel so... I don't know what to even say right now. I feel so hopeless, but hopeful at the same time. Hopeless because I was just looking at the job listing for history/social studies teaching jobs out there, not much coming up. I have 2 days of subbing for this year so far, and that's not really enough for me to start saving up to pay student loans or move out or anything.
But I'm still hopeful. I want this year to be good. I kind of feel like it will be, and maybe this is just the winter time getting to me. I'm a summer baby. I like the heat, I'd never survive a winter back East... and even the winters, or what we call winters, in California make me depressed. I hate it. But things are going good whether I'm down or not. I'm really trying to make an effort about getting into shape. I guess I'm dating an amazing guy. I guess only because we aren't actually boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but I feel like that'll probably happen sooner vs. later... unless I'm just getting my hopes up. I have major anxiety about this whole dating situation. My friend pointed out that is probably because this is the first adult dating/relationship I've experienced. Which is totally true.
And even with all my anxiety, I'm still hopeful about this guy. He texts me every day to ask how my day is going. He tells me how beautiful I am, and how cute I look when I get embarrassed. He wants me to meet his family... like not just mom and dad, like aunt and cousins... and I'm a tad stressed out. Who knows if and when that'll actually happen, but just thinking about it scares me a little bit haha. I told him last night that I miss him, and that I hoped it didn't sound clingy or needy. He said it didn't, and that since our date he has wanted to see me everyday. I was telling my friends that I can't remember the last time I was this happy... I started to write a blog about our date the other night, but I decided that I wanted to keep it more personal. I still get super nervous around him, but I'm super comfortable around him at the same time. My friends keep reminding me that this is the honeymoon phase, they've even said they want to live vicariously through me since they've been in long term relationships for a while. I always hated those girls that post a million things about the guy they're dating online or that are so anxious to change their facebook "status"... and I have become one of them. It's silly that I got so excited when this guy added me on facebook the other day (we've been talking since August, been out on a bunch of dates, and we just now became facebook friends haha. I guess that real life friends first was a good way to go about it.). I am so afraid of becoming too needy or clingy, but at the same time scared that if I don't say things like that I miss him or wish I could see him he'll think I'm losing interest...
Like I said at the beginning of the post... when there was a point to this post... I'm probably just PMSing. I've gone through a bunch of different emotions within the span of these paragraphs. I think I'm going to go try to be productive before rehearsal tonight.
