Trying To Sleep With A Broken Heart

Don't let the title fool you, I'm not heartbroken. I'm just very anti-Valentine's day, and even though it was yesterday, I'm STILL anti-Valentine's day lol. i just feel really restless right now and thought that writing would be a really good thing to help it. (And the title is the name a song we use for warmup at Lealta.)

It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.

Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.

In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.

So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.

I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.

Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.

<3

Too Frustrated For School

I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.

So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.

Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.

Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.

That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.

But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.

I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.

So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.

That's how I feel about Noah.

I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.

But I still miss him.

I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.