Motivational Poster

Have you ever seen a motivational poster? Some random landscape with an inspiration quote... or the cat hanging from a branch with "Hang in there" written above him. That's the one that Jon referred to when he called himself my motivational poster. Because of going on so many failed interviews, and having to overcome some other obstacles I'll get into later, I'm usually not the most optimistic when I have another interview.

So this past Friday I had an interview. The fact that I'm still getting called for interviews almost 2 months into the school year is weird to me, but I'm not going to turn them down. Anyway, I got a call about this interview last Monday... my computer died the Friday before that. Now, why does that matter you might ask? Well, this interview required writing a lesson on a particular standard, using a specific format, and including a bunch of other adaptations. So not having a working computer made this whole process a little tough.

To get the computer stuff out of the way really quick, my hard drive crapped out on me. I took it somewhere to get backed up before I took it to Apple (because they don't do data recovery and they were basically just gonna give me a new hard drive). They weren't able to get everything, and it took 3 days even though I was quoted a few hours. I ran around So Cal trying to get my computer fixed in a timely manner and basically everyone told me I wouldn't have it fixed before the weekend... Cut to Thursday, I walk into the Apple store and just ask nicely if they could take a look without an appointment... I'm seen within 5 minutes and get my computer back that afternoon. Awesome customer service. Now back to the interview story.

On top of not having a computer, I just had a very busy week in general. Subbing, rehearsals, doctors appointments... I was out of the house more than I was home. It made getting the lesson prepared that much more stressful. I tried to write as much of the lesson, or at least an outline, while subbing. I used my mom's computer whenever she didn't need it. I was really thinking of telling the school that I just couldn't do the interview because I didn't think I could do the lesson in time.

This is where my "motivational poster" comes into play. In the past I've turned to my friends whenever I'm having doubts or not feeling confident. They're always supportive and well-meaning, but for some reason I get a little frustrated when bringing this kind of stuff up with them. Nothing on them, it's on me. They're usually honest and keep me grounded, but I'm stubborn and once I'm in a funk it's hard for me to get out of it. Since Jon and I have been dating, he's become my go-to with things like this. I'm not sure exactly why, but it's so much easier to tell him all me hopes, fears, anxieties and listen to his advice. Whenever I have ANY kind of anxiety, he's there to listen and tell me what I need to hear... whether it's what I want to hear or not. With interviews, he's been my little cheerleader. Even when I've felt terrible, he's there to keep my spirits up. Like when I interviewed in Lancaster, and cried because I just didn't want to have to go 2 hours away to find a job. He said he'd move out there with me, and told me how anywhere would be lucky to have me as a teacher and I shouldn't pass up even an interview opportunity because of a fear like that. Granted, I didn't get that job, that made me feel so much better going into that interview.

This time is a littler different. He knew about all the computer stuff and obstacles I had with this interview. When I felt like giving up he told me to think of him as my own cat poster, and that I should hang in there. I ended up having to cancel subbing on Thursday to have some extra time to write the lesson before the interview, and I tried to stay as focused a possible while doing it... and it may have paid off.

After the interview Friday I wasn't feeling great. Not terrible, either. I felt like I rambled, I didn't think I gave good answers. But when I left the school I was mostly just relieved to be over with the stress. Later that afternoon I got a call from Mr. Nordquist. I usually tell him about when I have an interview, because he's one of my other supporters and he's one of my references, but with the stress of the week I had completely forgotten to tell him about this one. He was calling to tell me that he had just gotten off the phone with Sierra Vista High School's assistant principal (where I just interviewed a few hours earlier). He said they were calling to check on my references...


... They usually only check references for the top 2 or 3 applicants.

At least that's what Summer said her district does, and what other people have told me about other districts. If they're calling my references, I may actually have a chance this time. I'm still not getting my hopes up; they told me I wouldn't know for about a week, week and a half. But that's gotta be something, right?

When I told Jon, he excitedly said how his motivational poster pep talks had worked. We went to Universal Studios on Saturday for Halloween Horror Nights, and the whole time Jon kept saying things like, "when you get the job..." He was talking about how this time next year he'd hopefully be transferred to a 4-year school, with a better job, and I'd be teaching full time. I want that so much it's not even funny.

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write these blogs. I used to write about how depressed I was and how I didn't think I would ever find real love. Now all I write about is my boyfriend and how loved he makes me feel. I'm mostly writing this for myself, to remind myself of how truly lucky and blessed I am to have Jon in my life. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Little things that he does put a smile on my face all the time. He's so sweet and caring. He does so many things for me. He's always there for me. He's not perfect, and God knows I'm not either, but I really think we're perfect for each other. I feel like I can never do enough to thank him or repay him for all that he's done for me. I try as hard as I can to let him know how much I love and appreciate him. I know I've said before how I'm pretty damn certain he's the one, and I almost feel crazy for saying that before we've even been dating a year. But at the same time, how can I not say it? I have never felt so happy or loved, everything just feels right when I'm with him. I can see a future with him and it makes me smile. He's everything I could ever ask for and more. And I don't feel completely crazy because he sees a future too. He's said he sees us being together a long time, he talks about things down the road... so as much as nothing is ever completely certain, I don't feel as panicked thinking about what could be, because I know the possibility is very, very real.

I want my personal motivational poster to be there for all the things to come. Since the possibility of this job looks better than any other so far, I've started panicking that I'm not ready for it. Stressing out about what will happen if/when I get it. Jon has been there to tell me how I'm ready and I will do a great job. I love him so much. And I don't know if I would have the confidence in myself to get even this far without him.

Doctor's Note

As a coach, I deal with a lot of doctor's notes. I get them from students all the time for different ailments and injuries. Latest was a girl who sprained her ankle during class, and the doctor wants her off of it for 6 weeks... she's already walking without a limp, so that is probably one note we won't follow completely. And I have had my fair share of doctor's notes in the past. I am notorious for getting injured easily, and the asthma was a big issue a lot during my performing days.

While I haven't had the need for a doctor's note in a long time, I think that I may actually need one.

Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what I assumed was a UTI (TMI, sorry), and while they were getting my vitals, they noticed how high my blood pressure was. They waited a few minutes, jokingly asking if I was nervous (I never like going to the doctor's), and took it again. Slightly lower, but still well above where it should be. So the doctor saw me for what I came in for, but also started talking to me about hypertension. I guess the last few times I've been to the doctors my blood pressure was elevated, but just borderline. This time it was 142/88. I guess anything over 140/90 is bad. And being that I'm only 27, it's not the greatest thing. The doctor talked to me about a few things and gave me a print out of some suggestions to help bring it down. Most of it talked about cutting sodium, limiting alcohol & caffeine, and more exercise. I have gained more weight than I care to admit, so this is a little bit of an incentive to be more proactive about losing it. Sodium limiting is much harder than I expected since there's so much of it in pretty much EVERYTHING. I really only drink a few beers on the weekend, so I'm thinking I'm probably ok there. I don't really drink during the week since 1) beer is expensive and 2) I thought limiting it to a few on the weekends would help reduce the beer belly I'm beginning to develop. I cut soda a while ago, but I do need to drink less coffee or switch to decaf.

Now, I keep trying to make myself feel somewhat better by reminding myself that I did drink a big pumpkin spice latte right before going to the doctors (for which I kinda hate myself), so that probably contributed to the high numbers. But one of the things that the doctor didn't really mention, but I think could be a factor is stress. I have a lot more stress right now than I feel like I've had in a long time. I've been trying my hardest to get a job and not found one yet, though having had 10 interviews this summer is somewhat encouraging. Money is super tight, and while my parents were able to help me out over the summer, they're not really able to help me out anymore, and I still barely make my bills. The biggest stressor is color guard. The students this year are the most challenging I've had to deal with. I'm not saying anything against the kids themselves, but they're retention is so bad. I have to reteach so much and they are barely able to even do their basics correctly. I love them to death, other than 1 bad apple, they have great attitudes and energy. It's just so frustrating not being able to progress as much as I would like, or as much as we need to. I have found myself actually losing my temper with the students. I try not to yell, I always hated that about my predecessor, but I've yelled several times already this year. While learning drill, I've had to walk away from the guard on the field and let the marching techs take over because I was so frustrated I knew I would just be yelling if I stayed there another minute. I'm feeling anxious because the band's money is the tightest it's ever been and the kids aren't turning in money for uniforms or fundraisers. They is my only consistent pay check and it may be nonexistent soon. It's so hard.

The only thing that really keeps me positive is knowing that at the end of the week I get to see my Jon. He's my biggest cheerleader when it comes to job stuff, always talking about "when" I get the job, not "if." He let's me vent and tells me not to apologize when I feel bad about venting. He really does make me feel so special and never really stresses me out (except for a few occasions when he was late to something, but that's me with most people haha).

I felt terrible over the weekend because I snapped at him for the first time. We didn't have a fight or anything, but I hit my funny bone (never actually funny) while trying to get into my purse and when he was sweetly trying to help, I snapped, "let me do it!" About 2 seconds later I was apologizing profusely and starting to cry because I felt so bad. Of course he said it was fine and that he knew I didn't mean anything bad. But still, the stress is starting to get to me.

Now, back to needing a doctor's note...

I've been musing lately that maybe it's time I be done coaching. I'm still really torn on the issue because color guard has been such an important part of my life for the last 13/14 years. And this is my 9th year coaching at the same school. That's crazy. I know very few people my age who've had the same job for 9 years. I feel like part of the reason I've done it as long as I have is because I thought it would get my foot in the door for a real teaching job at the school, and now that it seems that's probably not going to happen, I'm feeling apathetic. It's tough coaching and subbing at a school that won't give you a chance.

So I was thinking, maybe this hypertension thing is my ticket out? I don't know. Right now color guard is the biggest stress factor I have, other than money. I really would rather not quit, but at the same time it may be what I need. I've become burnt out, and the stress is actually kind of killing me. Maybe it's a sign that it's time. Now, of course I'm not blaming color guard on my high blood pressure. I just think it's a major factor. I'm also 25lbs heavier than I want to me, and probably eat way too much salt. So if I'm going to make changes in those areas of my life, maybe this is one I should change too... I just don't know. The last 2 weeks have been particularly stressful and I'm actually procrastinating before going to bed because I know just how stressful tomorrow will be (subbing then first football game, oh and getting some alterations to costumes that came out way wrong...).

So yeah. Should I have the doctor write me a note on this one? I just don't know...