Letting Go

How I can tell I have abandonment/relationship issues:

My boyfriend (who is really awesome and makes me extremely happy) texts me while on his lunch break. I say "I miss you," then immediately say, "Let me know if I'm annoying you with the 'I miss you' texts."

His response: "Ok, but it doesn't bother me. Do you know why? Because I love you." 

He tells me he loves me and misses me just as much as I say it to him. I just still have fears from past relationships. I feel like I need to apologize even though he doesn't have a problem with it. Almost every guy I dated before said that I was too clingy. And (so far) this hasn't been an issue with Jon. I'm beginning to worry about 2 different things.

1) He will eventually find me clingy. We've been "official" for about 2 and a half months. That's really not a long time at all. Still longer than my last 2 relationships, but that's besides the point. I just don't want to push him away because I want to see him more. He tells me all the time sweet things, like "I'm counting the days until I can see you again." I feel like that's something guys only say in movies. But he says stuff like that to me all the time. We genuinely have a good time together and since we only get to see each other on weekends, the rest of the week can feel like torture. That's extreme, but you get what I'm saying. He actually misses spending time with me. He tells me how he wakes up at home and goes to reach for me and is depressed when he realizes I'm not there. 

2) He will get annoyed with me apologizing. I don't want to be so worried about a past problem that isn't really a problem and end up creating a whole new problem. 

Jon and I haven't really talked too in depth about past relationships yet, so he doesn't know all the things that led me to being so insecure and worried about things like that. I also don't know much about his past relationships. 

But, funny story, asshat called the other day... while Jon and I were in the middle of... stuff. haha. It was the middle of the afternoon and my phone was on my night stand. So when he heard it vibrating I asked him who it was. For some reason I had been getting a lot of texts that day from other people, so I thought it was maybe my friend Summer. NOPE! It was asshat. Now, in my phone I usually put how I know people as part of the contact info. So when my mom calls, it says her name then Mother under it. Well, even for my exes I have in there Ex-Boyfriend. It's silly, and kind of just my uber organized side coming out. Jon saw this and asked, "Is that the one with the DUI?" haha I had never mentioned asshats name to him, yet he still knew. I had only mentioned those things a few times, and I always said "my friend" because I didn't want to sound like I was just complaining about an ex. Silly of me for not being more straight forward with him. Anyway, I laughed... like, really laughed for a few minutes. I told Jon to answer, but he didn't do it before the phone went to voicemail. I ended up playing the voicemail on speaker. It was some silly long story about needing my sister's number so that he could find out for a friend where to take a flute to get repaired in LA. Asshat is friends with my sister on FaceBook, he could've messaged her on there if he needed her number that badly. Jon said, "he's looking for an excuse to call you." Which I agreed with. 

I had recently posted a posted a picture on instagram of me and my siblings when we were little, and asshat had liked it. I was a little weirded out that he liked it. It's such a first world problem haha. I had stopped friending/following him on social media shortly after my first date with Jon, because I didn't want there to be any problems. I didn't think asshat would get jealous necessarily, but I also didn't really want to keep up what friendship was left with him with Jon entering the scene. So when asshat liked the picture, I thought it was really strange. My friend said it wasn't really that weird since it wasn't like a picture of me and Jon or anything like that (though he did like a picture I posted before of Jon and I, and I found it really strange then too). For asshat to then call just a few days later was a little too much interaction for me. I didn't make a big deal about it in front of Jon. At least I tried not to. I ended up texting my sister his number and telling her the situation so she could get in contact with him herself. I never returned contact with him, nor do I ever plan on doing so. I have no reason to talk to him. He was a shitty friend, and even though there is history there, that history is why we can't be friends.

The point of that little side story, is that I'm still really affected by asshat. He isn't the only boy to ever hurt me, but he is by far the one to hurt me the most. He is a major reason why I'm so scared that telling Jon I miss him too much will push him away. That I apologize before there is any reason to apologize. I can't put all the blame on him, like I said he isn't the only one, and I know that I need to overcome these stupid insecurities. I wrote in my last post about how I really can see a future with Jon, and I need to let go of the insecurities if I really want that future to happen. I'm really trying hard. I already feel like I'm a much stronger and confident person because of Jon. He probably doesn't know it, and he hasn't done anything in particular but be supportive and patient with me. 

So, this is me just venting a little and making some kind of public promise to stop being so worried about losing a boy who has made it very clear he isn't going anywhere. Love is scary and until you overcome the the fears and insecurities, giving your heart to the other person entirely, you won't love as fully as possible. (That made so much more sense in my head, but I'm hoping you get what I mean).


Side note, I put the 'Frozen'-esque title for this post, but I actually didn't really care for the movie. I don't know if it just had too much singing or if my inner hipster is showing, but I just did not think it was as amazing as everyone else thought it was. 

Blah blah blah love

I haven't written anything in a long time. I kind of stay off of a lot of my social media anymore because all of my free time is spent with or thinking about my boyfriend.

That sounds a little all consuming, but let me explain. 

So since we've been dating, I've been a generally much happier person. We've also been dating in the midst of winter guard, so I'm at a lot of rehearsals and shows haha. So you can see why I'm not typing so many over thought blogs. Also why I haven't really uploaded anything to my YouTube channel in ages. I hope to change that soon.

But anyway.

I've tried to sit here and write several times. I keep getting blocked. I have so much I want to say and none of it will organize in my head.

On the one hand, I'm extremely happy. I really love this guy. He makes me happy and makes me feel so loved. He does nice things for me, he says nice things. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl.

But I can't quite silence my anxieties. It's been years since I had a boyfriend, let alone a boy who actually appreciated me and wanted to do more than just get into my pants. While 90% of me swoons every time he says or does something amazing, that little 10% feels like I'm being naive. Like maybe it's all really too good to be true. I had a bad dream last night, I don't quite remember it, but it involved him breaking my heart in some way. Then of course everything I saw on tv and the internet the rest of the morning had to do with break ups and stuff. So that didn't fill me with too much reassurance after the bad dream.

Jon said he had a similar dream last week, that I broke up with him. I told him he had absolutely nothing to worry about when he told me about it. Even now, if I try to thinking about breaking up with him, I feel like that would be the absolute worst decision ever. He's really amazing. I can't imagine not being with him. And see, the fact I'm saying things like that after we've only been dating 2-3 months, scares me. I'm really attached. Is it too soon? I don't know. I'm so scared of messing this up, or that maybe because I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that maybe I'm just thinking things are better than they really are.

I've got a lot of weird anxiety right now haha.

He really does make me happy. I just think about him and I'm happy. He sends me texts telling me how much be misses me or how much he loves me all the time. For some perspective, we don't see each other except on weekends. He lives kind of far away (like a 45 min drive), and works full time... graveyard shift haha. My sleep schedule has become a series of naps; I'll sleep a little, wake up to text him when he gets off work at 3:30, then go back to sleep until I need to get up at 6:30. In a way, I feel like longing makes the heart go fonder, but then again, I light up every time he texts me, and look forward to the weekends like each one is Christmas.

I don't know. I'm just feeling anxious today. He has reassured me a few times already that I have nothing to worry about, he loves me and wouldn't hurt me. He sent me this the other day. "An amazing girl like you deserves the best, and I'll strive to be the best for you."

I'm anxious about losing the guy who says things like this, and I can tell he means it. I'm absolutely head over heels for him. This idea has been floating in my head for a little while now, but I dare say that he may be the one. I think this might be why I'm so anxious. It's so soon to say or think something like that. I've heard of crazier things before, but this is a little crazy even for me. I love him, and I've had my heart ripped out a million times before, but I've already given it to him entirely, and now I'm just anxiously watching to make sure that he doesn't destroy it.