From this point on, I'm writing in French. Granted, it definitely won't be good French. I found a translator on my MacBook dashboard, so I'm putting it to use. :]

Je le manque vraiment. Je ne lui ai pas parlé beaucoup aujourd'hui. Quelque chose est erronée avec lui mais je ne sais pas ce qu'et lui ne m'a pas parlé. Je souhaite que j'aie su ce qui était erroné. Je sais qu'il est malade. Il m'effraye. Je sais que je ne devrais pas m'inquiéter. Il y a eu d'abondance des périodes où nous n'avons pas parlé, mais je me suis inquiété de lui pour quelque raison.

I hate when I make bad decisions. I really do. They make me feel like I'm spiraling down in a plane crash or something. That's pretty melodramatic, I know. But if it wasn't melodramatic, it just wouldn't be my style.

This isn't necessarily that bad, though it sure seems like it to me. I would almost prefer the plane crash. I really don't want to go into detail on the world-wide web, but it's pretty bad. I've been in this position before but the only people who know that already know about this... if that makes any sense. It wouldn't be bothering me this much if I remembered stuff better and people didn't keep making me freak out. I'm EASILY prone to panic attacks and this is definitely something that'll give anyone a panic attack. I just wish I could calm myself down. I know what I have to do but it's like, I don't know what's worse, how things are now or how they will be after. I guess it all depends on what happens. I just hate waiting, I guess. I hate mind games. I hate myself right now. I really do. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry (told ya, melodramatic is my style). But alas, only time will tell if I'm over reacting or not. I think I am, and other people are telling me that I am, but still. You would think that I would learn my lesson and not make the same mistake twice... But if you really think about it I don't think I made any mistake and I did everything that I was supposed to... but maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. I'm still freaking out. The only people I want to talk to right now I can't so this is the only way for me to just get it out and not explode with frustration. I think I'm going to take care of things tomorrow. Sooner is better than later, right? I just want my mind to be at ease. I hate anxiety like this.

I haven't felt like this in a while. It blows.

By this, I am referring to panic attacks.

I'm seriously having one. I'm so stressed out. It's part hormones, part school, part anxiety of the "post-graduation" world, part missing Noah like crazy. I'm tired but I haven't been able to sleep the whole night in a few nights. I want to sleep but I have nightmares when I do. I don't want to do to my final tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be alright and that I'm being ridiculous. I miss Noah like crazy and I just want to see him. I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship without the actual relationship. Last week, while I was with him, I was happy. It was so bittersweet because I knew it wouldn't last, but I couldn't have been happier. I feel like he's been acting distant (in the communication dept. since he's already distant in the physical sense) but he is in school and has a life in Memphis. Things between us are basically back to the same except now we both admit to loving each other. That sounds incredibly mushy, doesn't it? Ick, I hate mushy. Well, most of the time I hate it, anyway.

I am so at a loss. I'm supposed to be anxious, yes. But feeling like crap? Feeling like I'm on my wits end... This is my last DAYS of college. The whole world is right in front of me and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. I loved feeling wanted last week and I want that more.

I'm being way too melodramatic. One of my unspoken New Years' resolutions was to be "less drama," and right now I'm not doing a great job. I already said EXACTLY what's bothering me. Why am I being so "woe is me" about it? There's nothing I can really do except keep on keepin' on. I'm stressed out. Nothing more.

I think that I should take some Nyquil and try to hit the sack. I already text Noah something incredibly melodramatic, so I've definitely gone over my pathetic quota for the night.

Peace.

Oh my goodness...

OKAY! So I'm a little obsessed with the show Big Love, as I've said before. Well I just saw the second to last episode of the season.. HOLY CRAP!!! Serious, WTH?!?!

Ridiculous...

Anyway. I've been meaning to do a blog but life has been pretty busy lately. I technically don't even have time right now but I'm being lazy today already so I figure I'm not doing anything more lazy than already...

Let's see... I took the CSET yesterday. I feel pretty good about it actually. I really don't know though. There were quite a few things on both tests that I was completely stumped by, but I feel really good about my essay/short answers. One was on Latin American history. I was SO excited [that's what my history class this quarter is on]. Speaking of school, I am done this week :]. I am speechless. It still seems really weird that after this week I'm honestly, truly done. What will I do with myself?! I'm already starting to at least think about my credential applications haha. I need to talk to a few profs about letters of rec. I haven't seen the ones who would actually write me one for so long that I'm scared I won't find anyone. I'll figure something out.

In other news, I had an amazing week with Noah. I know how that must sound. Don't judge. I haven't let myself be unguarded around him in a very long time, probably since sometime in 2006. Even this week I started things off the same way. Monday we went to see Jay Leno. I went to Cal Hi in the morning, as usual in my PJs [because I'm a lazy coach haha], and he's there. So already I'm thinking "Great, just how I wanted to start this day off." Gave him the semi-awkward side hug because I was so in shock that he was there and I swear all my kids were giving me crazy looks, like "who is this dude?"

So after I went home and made myself presentable, I drove over to his house a little early. I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to see him. I got there and we started watching stupid stuff on YouTube while we waited for it to be time to go to Burbank. He kept trying to put his hand on my knee and I would move away. Eventually we left and he tried to hold my hand as I drove and I totally pulled away saying "I need two hands to drive" haha. And he called my out on it, saying how it was the dumbest excuse ever. Which is totally true. We got to Burbank in almost no time and drove around looking for food. Eventually we went to got hotdogs and went to the studio. His aunt gave us a mini tour and we got to see where they film Telemundo's news [that's the station she works for, NBC owns them]. Had to kill about an hour in the dining hall before going into our seats for the show. we were kind of in the back but it was still great. This is getting a little ahead of myself, but Demetri Martin was ADORABLE in person. Okay, back to what I was saying. While we were waiting for the show to start, this dude [Noah] says "hey Sammy" I turn and he kisses me.

Later we went to get Thai and cocktails... well, I got a cocktail, he's still underaged for about 9 months haha. After that we went to rent a movie, got Pineapple Express [didn't live up to the hype for me btw] and we spent the night talking and such. The next day, he drove out to Irvine between my classes and we went to Laguna Beach. Then I drove him to the airport. That's the short version. Anyway, I'm growing bored of myself. All in all, I've missed him and he wasn't home nearly long enough. I really do care about him and the sad part is, this is the first time in years that we've both cared about each other at the same time and we really can't be together. Long distance blows. Majorly. Okay, Sammy OUT!

Big Love...

WHOA! I think that this could quite possibly be my new favorite show. It's starting to edge out Scrubs a little bit... not a lot though. I just finished season 1, and I'm watching the first episode of season 2 as I type this. Seriously, SO AWESOME! Here are a few observations that I have come up with since watching this show:

- I could NEVER practice polygamy. I mean, besides the fact that it's against the law and kind of gross... I have a hard time sharing. Seriously, I cannot do the things these women do. First few episodes show him having sex with his wives... seriously? How can you share something that... that, personal, that sacred, with other people? Not right, nope, not right...

- These deluded Mormon women get more action sharing one guy than I've had in way too long haha. 

- I'm happy with my religion. As well as my state. I know the two aren't linked, but in this show, those lines are pretty blurred.

- These girls are more selfless than I think I could ever be. 

So those are a few observations I've made. It was funny, earlier, I tried explaining how everyone was related and connected to my sister.... I'm still shocked I could do so. It's hilarious. 

In other news, I'll be publishing (well, writing a blog) a review about Next soon. I am about a hundred pages away from the end. OMG! There's MonkeyBoys and parrots that can do math and people owning the genes of other people... INSANE! It's almost as good as Big Love, but since it's a book, I have to do a little more work. I didn't finish today because it gives me something to do in between classes tomorrow. 

And in even more other news, I am, yet again, falling for Noah. I hate that I'm becoming the bad guy. I'm becoming something I hate. I'm toying with his emotions. I don't know if he realizes it, but I do. I hate myself for it. One second, I can't stand him. I hate him even. But then I miss him like crazy. I start talking to him again. I do all these things that scream "I love you." He had actually stopped telling me he loved me for awhile, I was happy about that. But today, this morning, I woke up to a text message saying "Love you Sweetie <3">

But the same time, I'm scared shitless. I miss him but I'm scared. I'm scared to open up feelings to anyone. I'm so damn tired of being rejected. 5 Boyfriends... that's how many boys I have been with since Noah. Noah is the only one I think that I "loved" in the purest sense of the word. I loved them all, for their own ways. But he was my first "love," the first person I felt that way for. I don't know. I'm just... ugh... I would love to "rekindle" things with him. I really would. But he lives so far away, we want such different things. I feel like I'm going around in circles. It doesn't make sense to have any sort of relationship with him, especially if I want it to last. He was talking about how he can't wait to kiss me. I have to admit, I melted a little. I want to kiss him too. But again, rejection... it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And I hate to give Zach too much credit, but he kind of put the last nail in the coffin. He didn't give our relationship a chance, and I'm fine with that now, but I'm tired of being the rebound girl or the girl people don't want to try and fight to be with. I was watching the Bachelor earlier... he totally chose one girl... THEN went back on it and broke up with her on TV to get with the one he originally broke up with... also on TV. SO Retarded! I hate boys... not really, but still. I'm so confused. It's times like this that I really wish people read my blog. I need feed back on these things. 

UGH! Right now is another example of how he acts. I sent him a message explaining that my parents were making fun of my single-ness and saying they were going to put me in an arranged marriage and that it made me feel like I have no life. He just sent me a message saying "Love you and your no life." Adorable, right? How am I supposed to fight this?! What is the right thing to do. I need help on this...