On my way home from hanging out with friends last night I got very reflective.
Actually, that's a lie.
I was reflective before I even left. I was especially reflective after sending an impulsive text message to Memphis. And I continued to be reflective as I drove down the empty freeway at 1 in the morning.
These things happen... but why?
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Just as a side note, that does inform this a bit, I was talking with some friends about a person who doesn't seem to be able to start a sentence without I, Me, This one time I, Mine... basically without reference to herself. I feel like that's how 99.9% of my blogs are, and even some of my conversations with people, and that bothers me a lot.
As I was saying (ugh, again with the "I"), I've been thinking. I've noticed that things seem to fall into 3 indiscreet categories: Things I want, Things I need, and Things I have. Some of these things are really obvious, like I want more money, I need some money, I don't have much money.
But not everything is really that cut and dry.
There are some things I don't have, that I definitely want, but I'm not sure I need. Other things I need but I don't want.
It's all so complicated.
Sometimes... Not even that, ALL the time, I know I think too much. I'm in my head far too often. Not sure where I heard this quote but I love it, "get out of your head! It's nice out here in the real world." I feel like me telling myself that isn't enough though. I need more motivation. See, another need.
So, as I was thinking about it, these were some of the things that I need, somethings I want, and others that I may or may not have. Nothing about my thought process is linear, so if anyone actually reads this, good luck.
Of course the first thing on my list of wants is a boyfriend. I'm fucking over being single (For anyone who has EVER given me a hard time about always having a boyfriend, I've been single for almost 2 years, I have a right to want a relationship damn it!). I don't tell many people this, but one of my biggest fears is being a lonely old woman, or not finding "the one" until I'm too old to have children. I want to grow old with someone, not grow old then find someone. I know, I know... I'm 22! I'm not old by any means (unless you're DCI or WGI, but that's another story haha), but I'm never in the situation to meet someone new. I just finished winter guard, where the boys are more girly than I will probably ever be. I go to school with people who are at least 6 years older than me for the most part and most of them are married. I work at a high school, and there are so many things wrong about finding a boyfriend there it's not even remotely funny. So what does that leave me? I mentioned to my best friend I think friends are my only resource for finding a boyfriend, and she talked to her almost boyfriend to see if he knew anyone. While I love that she did that, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel?! I don't want to beg my friends for dates. The ONLY time a friend has ever set me up on a date it was with their older brother, which was fun, but definitely didn't feel any sparks.
I have a hard time opening up and making friends. I try, but I know I don't try enough. I'm not an outgoing person, and it's not a trait easily learned. If I were making a list (which I very well may), being more out going would probably be second or third on the wants, and first one the needs. I'm pretty confident most of the wants and needs could be taken care of simply by being more out going. I could probably enhance some of the haves too with more out going-ness.
So much easier said than done.
For needs, a job is pretty high on the list. I have been working on it. I send out applications, but school makes my availability pretty limited. It's so Catch-22: I need a job, so I go to school so I can get a good job, but in the mean time it keeps me from getting a job to simply make ends meet. I've also thought that a job would be an excellent place to meet a boy, but whatever haha. Like I said, I'm working on it, it's just hard to make things work with going to school at night and having Cal in the morning.
This leads me to something I do have. I do have Cal Hi. As frustrating it can be sometimes, I do have a job there where I realistically don't have to do all that much. Yes, I do a lot, but I know it's not like working at Target or something more mature. I'm grateful to have something.
I feel like I'm organizing my thoughts too much right now.
The way I look at it, here's where I want to be:
Teaching history somewhere in Southern California, preferably San Diego (Lealta got me hooked on that place :]), teaching guard and perhaps spinning.
That's it. I want the husband and kids and all that "American Dream" stuff, but for some reason, I can't see it. That scares the crap out of me. I want to see it, but I don't know. I sort of feel like I don't need it, which also scares me. Mostly because it's a new way of thinking for me. As little girls most of us, at least me any way, are taught that you get married, have babies, maybe work, maybe not. I've always been taught that was the way to go about things. I know it's what I've always wanted, so why is it so hard to see it?
I guess the main point of this is that wants, needs and haves don't necessarily line up. Our perceptions of these things is constantly changing, even if the things themselves don't.
...
To get a little out of character for me, I'm going to get a tad religious. I'm not the most religious person in the world, I've mentioned this before. I joke I'm the black sheep in the family because I don't go with them to church (which has nothing to do with religion, just church in general... but another conversation for another time). But this doesn't mean I don't believe in God. With all this thinking I've been doing I've been wondering what the plan is. I know what my plan is, but what about His plan? I mean, maybe I haven't found a boyfriend because I'm not supposed to yet, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have one. I don't know. I hate not knowing because I don't like not having control, but He's really the only one with control. I don't know. Like I've said, a few times now, I'm NOT really religious, so even me talking like this right now feels foreign to me. But I guess that's how it is?
I don't know how much is me still being frustrated and how much is me just not wanting to work on school work right now. I should probably focus on something I need to do, like this assignment. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of this want, need, have conversation (is it a conversation if I'm doing all the talking?), so I may write something about this again when I clear my head a bit and can quit writing in circles.
Ciao.
