Frustrated writer...

As I've talked about before, I would love to write a book. I love to read. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a "late bloomer" with the reading love. It wasn't until I was stuck with tons of free time on my hands, finding the internet extremely boring that I picked up a book and said, "why not?" Now I can't stop. It's the last week in February and I'm on my 5th? novel of the year. And this is while busy with school and teaching guard. 

The current book of choice is Next by Michael Crichton. This is the last book he published before his death (though I'm really anxious to see if the last novel he was working on is published later this year, as rumored). I'm about 45 pages in, and so far it doesn't disappoint. Without a doubt he is becoming my favorite author. Next is a lot like Jurassic Park so far. It's all about genetic experimentation. But I'm only just beginning, so who knows where it will end up. I made it one of my New Year's Resolutions, which is just what I'm calling the list of arbitrary goals I have made recently, is to read every Michael Crichton novel. There are tons of novels for me to get to, this is only my third. Of course, I'm going to try to finish with his most well known novel, other than Jurassic Park and The Lost World, The Andromeda Strain. I'm weird. I have heard nothing but good things about that novel... I'm weird...

And that was actually a digression because I began this blog talking about writing and I ended up talking about what I was reading... similar, but not the same.

So about writing... yeah, that's all I have. I want to write so much right now, but I am so brain dead because of school and life that I can't think! I actually started, barely, doing research for a story I'm thinking about. I've mentioned this story before. It's my version of Cinderella, which I playfully named Cinderfella. Right now, it's going to take place during the Civil War. You would think, I'm a US History major, I should know a lot about the American Civil War, right? Wrong-o. It's really sad that I haven't taken an US History class since this time last year, let alone a class about the Civil War (for the record, I only took one class, 19th Century American History, that dealt with the Civil War, and that was Winter Quarter my first year!). So today I started reading an article on the life of soldiers. I don't know if I want him to be from the Union or Confederacy yet, so that will define a few things for me when the time comes to write or not write this thing. I want to work on something so much but I have no clue what to write about.  I just want to write. That's part of why I'm writing this blog, and any blog/bulletin I write for that matter. I need to get words out of my head. I mean, I could have easily spent the last few hours contently reading Next, but I just could not fit anymore in my brain (willingly). This is the part of writing I suck at, which I shouldn't since I'm a history major; research! Everything about writing I've read talks about doing the research for your story before you write it and how important it is, but I don't have enough patients. I know things I want to write already, but I need to know my context first, use the right language, and things. 

Sigh... oh well, I need to get to class

Bon Chance.

Vital Information for Your Everyday Life

I'm a list-aholic [using the suffix -aholic as a joke because it annoys me to death how everyone uses that so much/incorrectly.] and those stupid lists on Facebook have been pretty exciting for me. So here is my list of random thoughts for the night.

1. Note to self: working out for an hour, while sick, is probably not the best idea...

2. Like 99.9% of girls my age, I hate how I look. All through high school I was so embarrassed about my acne, and though it's not completely cleared up, it's gotten so much better. Now that that problem is fixed, I feel like I'm getting fat. Shoot me if you want, but I went from being between 112-118 all throughout college, to being 135 going into graduation... it really upsets me [especially considering I was 108 when I graduated high school.] Why can't I have things on my side and have both?

3. In the same thought as 1 and 2, my resolution is to stop being lazy and actually work out... I probably should eat more non-junk food too, but one step at a time haha.

4. When I know or think that someone is interested in me, I put a great deal of distance between myself and them. I'm a complete commitaphobe.

5. I really, really, really, really need to see a dentist. It hurts to chew on my right side and I haven't been in probably 3 years. I asked my mom to set me up an appointment in September, she forgot to write it down. The next week my sister asked her, even though she's gone pretty consistently and doesn't have anything too urgent to get done, and my mom called right then and got her in. She had 3 cavities and it cost my mom about $800. Oh, and she's supposed to get her wisdom teeth out too, apparently. Now my parents, and myself, can't afford to send me to the dentist. Like I said, it hurts to chew and I haven't been in years... my mom still feels like crap for forgetting to write it down when I asked her.

6. All my dog does is sleep... What the hell does she do all day that she's always tired?

7. When I move into my own home one day, I want a fireplace. We have one and use it almost daily. My mom usually burns my dad's old business records from the 1990s. She says it makes her feel like Enron. Having a fire always makes me feel at home :].

8. I have ridiculously low self-esteem. I know that's not uncommon or special, but still. I'm told I'm too hard on myself. 

9. I like shows like "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" but hate shows like "The Bachelor." Kids are adorable. Guys trying to find the "love of their life" in a few months, while essentially cheating on 16 girls at once... either diabolical or retarded... depends on how you look at it.

10. I know I'm ridiculous and that it's not that cold, but I've been wearing thermal leggings and knee high socks under my jeans for the last 2 weeks. I get cold very easily. I would probably die living back east in the winter.

11. I think it's really funny that on my first paper of the quarter I got 78% and on my first test/midterm I got 87%. Neither grade is "good enough," but oh well... oh, senioritis.

12. I know I shouldn't but I compare my life to friends/family/co-worker's lives. I feel like a real loser some times. Like the girl I work with at Cal, Jen. She's engaged, owns her home, aged out in BD 07 [not that I'm jealous of her being in BD, just the fact she has a ring/marched Saturday night], works full-time on top of working with Cal, is a dance major [which I am jealous of because I would love to dance well and take classes in school], she's actually a double major... yeah, I think I made my point. I feel like by comparison, I haven't done much with my life. I haven't been able to really hold a job for very long [though that's my own fault, I've always quit every job because of school...], I'm lazy, I've had more boyfriends than I care to admit [but at least I can laugh about it haha]... oh well. 

13. For 20 years I have shared a room with my sister. We've fought, but usually we get along great. Once we got into college, we started fighting more than ever before. I have to fight with her to use my room... it's retarded...

A new week, a new blog.

Well, in all honestly, there really isn't much to report. I hung out with Jennee Saturday night, it was lots of fun and we decided to do the same thing this coming Saturday (i.e. Valentine's Day). Then I hung out with Tami Sunday night. It was great spending time with friends and getting away from the house. I have felt so closed up and alone lately. I kind of make myself a loner most of the time but, I guess right now especially, for some reason, it's really hitting me. I have been really good about keeping my spirits up. I mean, I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic or something. I've been without a boyfriend for just about 6 months. I mean, it's not a long time but it is at the same time. I have basically had a boyfriend ever since high school. There are some patches of "sobriety" that lasted a few months here and there, but I think this is the longest I have been single in a very long time. 

There are so many good and bad things about single life. I have become a much more independent, self-reliant person, which I love. I haven't had stupid drama to deal with. There have been a few instances of "drama" at the high school, but it's NOTHING like that kind of drama I got myself in with my past relationships. I still think about the whole Anessa business from when I dated Chris, that was just immature and stupid, I'm glad that kind of stuff especially isn't part of my life anymore. I like being able to do whatever I want and not worry about calling someone or having to worry about another person's "feelings" and other mushy things. That's all fine and dandy. Plus, with graduating in 5 weeks (yes, I'm really counting down, it's a big deal, so sue me haha) I don't need the distraction of a boy (since God knows I have enough else to distract me :P). 

But I'm not about to lie and say that I'm ecstatic about being single, especially with it being Valentine's week. I miss having someone to cuddle with, to call and talk to. Someone who thinks I'm pretty and smart and wants to give me their undivided attention, who I feel the same about. I miss those mushy things. I am third-wheel to my sister and her boyfriend 90% of the time I'm home. It gets old. They've been together going on 3 years. That's huge. I've dated 6 guys in the time they've been together. I feel like the slut of the family. I really, honest-to-God hate it. I have become pretty cynical and bitchy around them, and I feel bad about it, but at the same time I share a room with her, she knows I don't have the best luck with guys and she will snuggle up under the covers with Jeremy while I'm in the room. Not cool. Way to make me feel great, Sis. Then there's the fact that almost all my friends are in some sort of relationship. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure seems like it when you're single; that's when you really start to notice all the relationships out there. I go to Cal and Jen just got engaged, and while I'm happy for her, it does sting a little that I either see the rock on her finger every rehearsal or she brings up her "fiance." Hell, my guard kids have better love lives than me right now. 

My love life isn't completely non-existent. I mean, I do have Noah. But that's really not the same. I don't care for him the same way he cares about me, and he's in Memphis, not really cuddling distance. I'm actually really glad he's not here because I would probably fall into an even more blown out version of a mock relationship with him than I'm already in now. Then I have one of my sister's exes asking me out, and nightly texts from an 08 PC age-out who has said they would like to take me out, but never really manned up to asking (and I'm pretty sure I would not going with). I mean, I do have boys at school who hit on me, but that's nothing special. There's the guy in my Latin history discussion who always sits a little too close to me and asks me random questions, the guy in my ED class who does the same thing... but see, I don't know if I'm just being full of myself thinking that's flirting or they're just trying to be nice and whatnot. 

Love is hard.

I am sticking to my guns about my no PC tour boyfriends. I mean really, I'm old in drum corps terms; dating any one in the corps who isn't an age-out feels like pedophilia. The only age-out boys I can think of off the top of my head are gay, so yeah, doesn't work. I don't know, I just really miss feeling needed, feeling cared for... dare I actually say it, feeling loved. Admittedly, writing this actually helped, but seriously, I have felt like shit all day. I'm starting to see "signs" of depression in myself and I'm just hoping it's because of the impending romantic holiday and not because of anything else. I haven't eaten much... other than junk... I didn't even get out of my pajamas today... yeah, never a good thing. I learned that productivity stems from wearing pants... I mean, I am wearing pants, but it's just a metaphor... whatever, it makes sense in my head (the idea came from How I Met Your Mother, oh that Marshall...).

Wow, that was way too much self-pity for one blog. I should've cut it up into smaller "blogettes" to keep it more tolerable. Anyway, for anyone who actually read this thing, merci. I have a fun-filled day of midterm studying and other miscellaneous school things in the morning, so I need to attempt sleep... which I won't for a little while thanks to my sister and her "snuggle buddy" being in our room... as weird as it sounds, even though I know I have every right in the world to kick them out so I can go to sleep, I feel like the rude one. I need to move out...

Bon Soir.

:]

Hello Blog. Long time, no write. How've you been? That's good. I've been busy... no, really, I have.

Haha, ok that was pretty lame, even for me. I haven't written in a while, my apologies. I've been with my other lover... reading. Yep, in the last 2ish weeks I've read 2.5 books. Invisible Monsters I've talked about in previous blogs. Fantastic. I also read another Chuck Palahniuk novel, Choke, also pretty fantastic. It's about a sexaholic who chokes on purpose to make the people who save him feel like heros in the hopes that they will send him money, feeling responsible for him, so that he may continue paying for his mothers health care... oh, and a crazy person at the same hospital, who he thinks is a doctor, tries to convince him he's Jesus. Yep, fantastic. 

And, admittedly because of the hype, I started reading He's Just Not That Into You. So far, it makes soooo much sense! I feel... empowered haha. I'm only halfway through but I'm already seeing mistakes I've made before haha. It's really eye opening. Which leads me to a social conversation I want to start...

What if I'm just not that into him?

Seriously, what if I can't tell? Yeah, if you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Noah. I really don't know. We had a conversation about it the other night. He was asking me how I thought things should be when he's home for spring break next month. I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't pussyfoot around the truth, I flat out told him; I don't want a boyfriend for a week. Reading this book is making me more ballsy. I like it. I have definitely been liking the male attention I seem to be getting from him. I call him my pseudo-boyfriend, which is nice and all, but I don't want this to be all there is. I want an honest to God boyfriend. I'm done wasting my time. Do I want to see him when he's home? You bet I do. I do still have feelings for him. I always have, ever since we broke up. He was my first "love," so I'm 99% sure I will always have some sort of feelings for him. But do I want to be his girlfriend again? Only for a week? 

At the end of every chapter in HJNTIY there's something along the lines of "you deserve better." I really think that I deserve more than a boy 1700 miles away who couldn't figure out that he loved me until almost 3 years later (I said 4 years previously but I redid my math...). Noah is the best when we're not together, but when we were... I just don't know. We've both changed so much. Those stupid "25 Random Facts" notes spreading like herpes around Facebook? Yeah, I read his, soo many of the things he said conflict with what I want in a guy. One of the things he said was he didn't feel he had to get married or whatever, well that's definitely something on my to-do list (now that I think about it, that might've been in a MySpace bulletin he did, same difference). He's also an Atheist now, which doesn't really work for me (Side note: there was some minor family drama. My parents are joining the church they've been going to for the last year and they wanted my siblings and myself to joined and be baptized, which we never were. I love God and I try to be a good Christian, but they raised us saying that we didn't need to go to church to be good people, and I always feel weird at church, I don't know why and I feel like a bad person because of it. So my siblings are joining and whatnot, but I am not. I feel like the black sheep now. I said it was because I really won't be able to go that much soon because of drum corps, but it's mostly the church making me feel weird thing.). 

I brought up the whole Los Angeles - Memphis distance issue with him, too. He's not a fan of long distance either, but he still wants to "rekindle things." Seriously? I honestly can't tell if he's really still in love with me, or if he's just trying to pull off the most long, drawn out plan to get in my pants when he's home. I told Noah that if he wants to hang out, or go on "a date," he has to actually call and ask me. He was thinking that whenever he wasn't hanging out with someone else while he was home that he'd be with me. Seriously? I know I don't have much of a social life, but I do have some. Plus that's the week leading into the CSET, which I am determined to pass with flying colors. Hell, I even bought a study book, that's a pretty big deal for me; I'm actually putting in effort this time. He tells me all the time that he loves me and misses me; if that's true he can put in the effort. I want to be chased after damn it.

But I got a little away from my question, what if I'm just not that into him? When I read this book, listing all the excuses guys use on girls that subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, tell that they "just aren't that into them," I see almost everything I do to Noah. Do the same rules apply? I feel like it's a math property. "A + B = C but B + C does not = A" I don't know if it goes both ways. I guess that I really can't tell until I actually spend time with him. I know I'm going to get sucked in, at least a little. That has happened literally every time I've spent time with him since we broke up. But I think that I'm older, more mature and wiser to the world of men.

That's about it for tonight... I just sliced my finger so I'm off to take care of that.