Well, in all honestly, there really isn't much to report. I hung out with Jennee Saturday night, it was lots of fun and we decided to do the same thing this coming Saturday (i.e. Valentine's Day). Then I hung out with Tami Sunday night. It was great spending time with friends and getting away from the house. I have felt so closed up and alone lately. I kind of make myself a loner most of the time but, I guess right now especially, for some reason, it's really hitting me. I have been really good about keeping my spirits up. I mean, I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic or something. I've been without a boyfriend for just about 6 months. I mean, it's not a long time but it is at the same time. I have basically had a boyfriend ever since high school. There are some patches of "sobriety" that lasted a few months here and there, but I think this is the longest I have been single in a very long time.
There are so many good and bad things about single life. I have become a much more independent, self-reliant person, which I love. I haven't had stupid drama to deal with. There have been a few instances of "drama" at the high school, but it's NOTHING like that kind of drama I got myself in with my past relationships. I still think about the whole Anessa business from when I dated Chris, that was just immature and stupid, I'm glad that kind of stuff especially isn't part of my life anymore. I like being able to do whatever I want and not worry about calling someone or having to worry about another person's "feelings" and other mushy things. That's all fine and dandy. Plus, with graduating in 5 weeks (yes, I'm really counting down, it's a big deal, so sue me haha) I don't need the distraction of a boy (since God knows I have enough else to distract me :P).
But I'm not about to lie and say that I'm ecstatic about being single, especially with it being Valentine's week. I miss having someone to cuddle with, to call and talk to. Someone who thinks I'm pretty and smart and wants to give me their undivided attention, who I feel the same about. I miss those mushy things. I am third-wheel to my sister and her boyfriend 90% of the time I'm home. It gets old. They've been together going on 3 years. That's huge. I've dated 6 guys in the time they've been together. I feel like the slut of the family. I really, honest-to-God hate it. I have become pretty cynical and bitchy around them, and I feel bad about it, but at the same time I share a room with her, she knows I don't have the best luck with guys and she will snuggle up under the covers with Jeremy while I'm in the room. Not cool. Way to make me feel great, Sis. Then there's the fact that almost all my friends are in some sort of relationship. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure seems like it when you're single; that's when you really start to notice all the relationships out there. I go to Cal and Jen just got engaged, and while I'm happy for her, it does sting a little that I either see the rock on her finger every rehearsal or she brings up her "fiance." Hell, my guard kids have better love lives than me right now.
My love life isn't completely non-existent. I mean, I do have Noah. But that's really not the same. I don't care for him the same way he cares about me, and he's in Memphis, not really cuddling distance. I'm actually really glad he's not here because I would probably fall into an even more blown out version of a mock relationship with him than I'm already in now. Then I have one of my sister's exes asking me out, and nightly texts from an 08 PC age-out who has said they would like to take me out, but never really manned up to asking (and I'm pretty sure I would not going with). I mean, I do have boys at school who hit on me, but that's nothing special. There's the guy in my Latin history discussion who always sits a little too close to me and asks me random questions, the guy in my ED class who does the same thing... but see, I don't know if I'm just being full of myself thinking that's flirting or they're just trying to be nice and whatnot.
Love is hard.
I am sticking to my guns about my no PC tour boyfriends. I mean really, I'm old in drum corps terms; dating any one in the corps who isn't an age-out feels like pedophilia. The only age-out boys I can think of off the top of my head are gay, so yeah, doesn't work. I don't know, I just really miss feeling needed, feeling cared for... dare I actually say it, feeling loved. Admittedly, writing this actually helped, but seriously, I have felt like shit all day. I'm starting to see "signs" of depression in myself and I'm just hoping it's because of the impending romantic holiday and not because of anything else. I haven't eaten much... other than junk... I didn't even get out of my pajamas today... yeah, never a good thing. I learned that productivity stems from wearing pants... I mean, I am wearing pants, but it's just a metaphor... whatever, it makes sense in my head (the idea came from How I Met Your Mother, oh that Marshall...).
Wow, that was way too much self-pity for one blog. I should've cut it up into smaller "blogettes" to keep it more tolerable. Anyway, for anyone who actually read this thing, merci. I have a fun-filled day of midterm studying and other miscellaneous school things in the morning, so I need to attempt sleep... which I won't for a little while thanks to my sister and her "snuggle buddy" being in our room... as weird as it sounds, even though I know I have every right in the world to kick them out so I can go to sleep, I feel like the rude one. I need to move out...
Bon Soir.
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