Rain! Gasp! Oh Fall in Southern California…

Today was not the greatest of days.

I had to stay up all night working on a group project and other homework, not getting to sleep until 2am. Then, though I had planned to sleep until 9, I get called by the district to sub, which is doubly upsetting since A) I couldn’t sub because we were meeting today to work on our project and B) I was so freakin’ tired. Since I have a hard time going back to sleep once I’ve been woken up, I just stayed up… did I mention that this was just before 7am? So I drank some coffee [caffeinated beverage #1] and ate the last little bit of Olivia’s pumpkin cake. I was pretty annoyed when AGAIN the Internet decided not to work [like it is currently doing. I am writing this in Word to be cut and pasted later.], and when I finally gave up on it and decided to take a shower, my lovely sister, who had all morning to get into the bathroom, decided that was when she wanted to brush her teeth and do other bathroom things, and she needed to get in there because she had to leave for school in 10 minutes [which was probably 25 by the time she got finished making and eating her breakfast, using the bathroom and leaving].

I finally got my shower, then sat around anxiously not sure of what to do with so much free time in the morning. I finally got the internet to work and found that one of the members of my group was withdrawing from the class. Could you have mentioned that more than 2 hours before we’re supposed to meet to go over everything? Or better yet, don’t withdraw until next week! Ugh, so frustrating… I hate group projects. I left for school, to find that the temperature gage on my car, which has decided to interfere with my speedometer, had pushed itself even farther the wrong way to keep my speedometer at 0 mph. I pulled over, played with the circuits, but nothing was working. I start to drive again, feeling defeated, only to get a call from the Social Studies dept. head at Cal High. So I pulled over, again, so I could call and not worry about driving, since it is the law and all… At least that was a minor win for the day. I should find out by Friday what 3 teachers I will be doing my observation hours with at Cal High. BUT that is technically a fail as well since I’m supposed to be turning my Teacher Verification form on Thursday [just a thing that says the teacher I’ll be observing has their credential in the subject they teach. The school has already said that all of their social studies teachers are credentialed in social studies but if I don’t have a specific teacher yet, they really can’t fill out this form for me].

Got to school early, but parking was crappy… one of the many advantages of having many of my classes at night; I don’t have to deal with parking problems very often. I walked to Starbucks and got some coffee [caffeinated beverage #2], finding the guy in my group, Huyen, was already there. So I sat with him and tried to talk with him about the assignment, to which he immediately telling me how things would be. Um, I’m sorry, I thought that this was a GROUP project and therefore everyone in that group would get to contribute. Turns out that Mr. Leader hadn’t even finished everything he said we should have done for this meeting. We sat there for forever waiting for the other 2 members of our group. After about an hour Huyen got up, acting pretty rude about it, and said he’d be right back. A few minutes later I saw the other girls in the group. We talking about what we wanted to do, I told them about the other girl who was leaving the class and we thought that we had worked everything out we would need to do for Thursday. This took about half an hour… Huyen was not there for any of it. He just didn’t come back. I was sitting there with his laptop and backpack… it was weird. FINALLY he returned and decided that we had LOTS more do to. We went through his little tyrannical preparations, which I was surprised that I stood up to him and didn’t get submissive about everything [mini-win?]. Once everything was said and done I went through some text messages while I was walking back to my car. I had text Noah after hearing from Cal High about observation hours, asking if his dad could pick him up if I couldn’t. He said no, to which I responded that there was a chance that I may not be able to pick him up. I didn’t say how likely a chance. I also decided to text Brad to see if he was at Mt. SAC and wanted to get lunch since I was in the area [oh, and I had gotten an email from my Tuesday prof saying he was sick and class was cancelled, so I didn’t have to sit around for hours like I had expected.]

First I get a frantic phone call from Noah telling me that he was just going to find someone else to pick him up. Of course, as much as I’ve been playing the game, I panicked. I know that he’s only going to be in California for a few days and that he has a lot of people that he wants to see, some more than me apparently since he makes plans with other people before making any time for me, but I digress. I was really looking forward to picking him up from the airport. I miss him much, much more than I like to admit. I wanted to be the first person he saw from home. Plus, as I told Annie, I was going to see if he kept to something he had said. He told me the other night, which I know for a fact he was a little drunk at the time and possibly a little high as well, that he didn’t care who saw he just wanted to kiss me. I wanted to see if he kept to that.

SO, back to the phone call. He tells me he’ll just have someone else pick him up but that I could still get lunch with him if I’m not too busy. I told him that I could still get him, there was just a very small chance that I could start my observation hours on Friday, but it’s a very small chance. He still insisted that he could get someone else. I was already tired and cranky so I just snapped. I told him “whatever, I shouldn’t have said anything. I can pick you up.” I don’t remember if he said something about still looking for someone else or if he asked if I was sure… I kind of hung up after that. So as I attempted to drive in the misty rain, without a speedometer, I sent him 2 texts with a 25-minute gap between them. The fist one said, “If you decide you’d rather have someone else pick you up, let me know soon. I shouldn’t have said anything & I’m still planning on getting you unless you rather me not.” The second text, after I had calmed down some and the fear of losing my only guaranteed chance of seeing him, said, “& for the record I was/am really looking forward to picking you up since it may be the only chance I have to see you. I wanted to be the 1st person from home you saw.” So since he’s such an AWESOME guy [sarcasm], he hasn’t responded to any of these texts. Oh boys…

Went to Cal’s rehearsal since I didn’t have class. Taught the flag line more of the closer. It’s pretty easy work and it’s already semi-clean; yay for cutting & pasting the fight song routine! The rain was an issue, we were constantly moving around. Jen sat the kids down for a heart-to-heart. Hopefully they change their attitudes. I really don’t know why things are so difficult with this freshman/newbie class. Thought I was going to get jumped walking to my car…


But yeah… not the greatest day. I have a lot to do tomorrow but I’d rather get some semblance of sleep tonight and stay up tomorrow night since I can sleep in Thursday. Well, that’s the end of my rant for the night. It’s almost midnight & I’m about to pass out.

Au Revoir

It has been forever since I've written anything & while I would love to write a nice long update, it's late & I don't really have the time or patience for that right now.

Basically I don't know what to do. I love Noah still, whether I'll always openly admit it or not. I don't want to be. I wish with every fiber of my being that I wasn't. I would love nothing more than to just be like, "he's turned into someone completely different, he doesn't even call, he doesn't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' unless prompted or drunk/high, he criticizes me for being upset with his drug use, he doesn't have time for me [not that I have time for him], he expects me to fit to his schedule, he won't say 'I love you' to me if there are others around but gets upset if he knows I do the same. He frequently asks for dirty pictures because 'he misses me' & 'isn't getting any'... he's not worth the ground I walk on. & to top it off he's on the other side of the country & this is the last time he will come home for a year [at least]." I don't want to be some after thought. I don't want to be the girl he just calls because he's crossfaded & driving. I don't want to always be calling him or waiting for his call. I don't want to be that girl. I hate that girl.

So why is it so hard? Typing it out was easy. I could have gone on & on about why I shouldn't love him. But that has no effect on the fact that despite it all I still care about him very, very much. He's still the boy I will always be hung up on. He's still my "first love." The one I call crying when something is wrong, who will [usually] listen & tell me everything will be okay. He's still the one who almost hopped a plane back to California when he found out what happened to me last August, who drove 3 hours to watch me perform this past July. He's still the one who can simply make me smile by seeing his name on caller ID, who I still get butterflies from when they hold my hand. He's still the only one I let call me Sammy [Not Sammy Sue, there's a big difference with me]. But he's also the one who lets me down the most, who I stay on FB for, hoping that I'll catch him & get to at least say "hi." He's still the one I know has so much talent, yet openly admits to being high every time her performs. Who is right now on FB, & even tho I need to be up very soon I'm still hoping for the off chance he'll IM me because I miss him so much, God knows why, but I'm too proud to IM him myself.

Maybe it's just the time of year. Fall is my favorite season but I hate being "alone" during the Fall. It was Oct. 2nd 2004 that Noah & I started dating, Nov. 19, 2001 I got my first boyfriend, Sept. 17, 2003 I started dating Billy... if you can't see the trend, it's like my season of "mourning." Part of the reason I think I was so drawn to History as a major was because I dwell on things. I know I shouldn't & I do my best not to, but I still do it, like other things lol. So, because I dwell so much on the past, I think that subconsciously I always feel sad during my favorite time of the year because I think of what started during the Fall & no longer exists. I have SO much to be happy about, & even the other night I went to sleep smiling simply because I am well on my way to my dream job. Next week I get to start spending time in an actual classroom. By 2011 I should have my prelim credential & able to get a job as a real, full-fledged teacher! This is so exciting. I have a ton to keep my buy between Anchor projects, observation hours, tons of reading, still teaching guard... I realistically have no time for a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, & I'm fine. I didn't spontaneously combust or fall to pieces... then why do I miss him so much? Why do I want to hug him & not let go? I'd love a boyfriend, but it's him I want & I desperately want not to want him.

I think I should finally go to sleep. But I just had to get this out of my system before I screamed.

Bon Soir