I feel like I'm in one big in between.

I hate it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to feel so restless. I want something new. Someone new.

I have been having a lot of weird dreams lately. I don't remember them well, but they're VERY vivid and I don't sleep well. I always wake up tired anymore... well, for the last week anyway. Most of the dreams have Noah in them. I just talked to him not too long ago. It was the third night in a row that he called me, and he sent me a message on facebook of links to videos he wanted me to watch of him performing. I told him I didn't watch them, and basically just sounded really annoyed when I was on the phone with him, I think the call lasted 3 minutes, if that. I honestly don't know if I was really annoyed or acting annoyed because I feel like I should be annoyed. I know he's no good for me. I know this and I let him in still. I'm tired of it. I want something new dammit, and he's still trying to pull the same ol' bullshit. I did watch a little of the videos he sent me. I couldn't watch them all the way through because I really did get annoyed. I just think about things like how he dropped out of school, he's still a party animal, and pot smoker... he's not the sweet Noah that I have dreams about...

I want to know what these dreams mean, so I looked up the things in a dream dictionary. Apparently I'm facing my past or some such shit? I don't know. I had a really weird dream last night that he actually wasn't in. In it they were like letting me march this summer even though clearly™ I've aged out, but then I was faced with having to choose between winter guard next year, or summer this year, because of money. I think it was because I fell asleep trying to decide whether or not to go to Lealta auditions this weekend. I was going to go, but I don't really have the money for it (only $30, but still) and I kind of want my weekend. And it is mother's day weekend after all, I should be home with my mom. So I sorta lied and said that I had family stuff come up. Really, I wanted to have a weekend. But I still want to go. I miss spinning so much and I love all those people. But it's a lot of time and work to get down there. I will do summer program and all that good stuff, and I'm driving down next weekend for banquet, so I'll still see all my friends soon.

I tried applying for a bunch of jobs today. Let's hope I hear something soon. I really want to be working full time this summer. It hit me today I have 1 or 2 more pay checks coming my way from Cal for the school year, that's about $1000... I need more than that to get through the summer and have a life. So let's hope I hear something. Also, I still haven't got my check for Cal this month, so here's hoping that it's the mail tomorrow (they still have Saturday mail right?). Well, I was really just a little frustrated, so I decided to write something. I really do have other things going on in my life, I swear I don't just sit here complaining... though it does account for some of my time :] I mean, I have my teaching credential stuff going for me, which I'm like throwing myself into at the moment. So yeah. All right. time for bed...

<3