This is my place to take out my frustration, vent, and be just a little bit selfish.
I just want to start off by saying that I'm VERY happy for my sister. I really am. But this is I think why I am so frustrated.
I have done everything right. At least that's what my family and neighbors keep telling me. I spend my money, but I know when to save it. I finished my BA early, I'm already started on my career goals. I also understand the money situation going on with my family right now. Instead of enjoying my first free summer in years, I took on a full-time job that I really did not care for. I have held a job since my freshman year of college, and currently I have 2 guard jobs and 2 part-time (doing what I did all summer and special ED subbing). I am more realistic and understanding. And a little less high maintenance.
So someone explain to me why her life is going so right right now? I want my sister to be happy, but how does she have no money, never had job, and she has a fiancé, she's moving to Santa Barbara, and she just got home from her second roadtrip this summer? While I'm living at home, didn't get to go anywhere this summer, and don't even have a boyfriend.
I get how selfish this all is, and I guess that's why I'm getting it out here so I can stop holding it all in and finally be over it. But I feel like this is just so unfair. I'm not saying I want to get married. I do, but not right now. I would like a boyfriend though. And I have made NO secret of the fact I want to move out. This time next year is the goal. But how is it that I do EVERYTHING right, but I'm getting the short end of the stick? I have said that I feel like an old maid, and I honestly feel that way. I know so many people getting married. All I want to is to move out and have a freaking boyfriend. How much is that to ask for?
I feel stupid and childish just typing all of this. So I'm going to stop.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Girl Who Hid Her Scars
I'm very into the Millennium Trilogy at the moment. I'm only about 65 pages into the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest but I'm so into the story. But I've been reading in basically every waking second of free time and I have a lot on my mind at the moment so I'm taking a short break. I already watched just about every version of the Swedish Tattoo trailer, so now I'm writing.
One of the things I love about Lisbeth Salander is that she's different. Lately, that's how I've felt. Not in such an extreme way as the character, but I feel sort of left out. Like I missed a memo somewhere. I went to a Cal Hi Color Guard reunion on Sunday. It was really crazy to catch up with people I haven't seen, let alone talked to in years. I think just about everyone was married/engaged, pregnant/had kids, or at least had a boyfriend and job. Granted, I'm one of the few who has finished their college degree, and I'm well on my way to my career, but I feel like I missed some thing that was important to "growing up."
It's hard for me to explain. It's probably also important to mention that I'm the only one who kept spinning after high school (not 100% true, one girl did a baby independent guard one year then SoCal Dream... all at age 18 btw. Another girl did Corona Light it's first year). I also did something that may seem out of character, I defended Jen. We get a long SO much better now than we did the first few years teaching together, and when one of the girls who would've been a senior my first year teaching the guard (and I should mention she, and almost all the others who were on the team at the time, quit because of Jen) said "is that bitch still there?" I answer with "She's NOT a bitch" without any hesitation. I also mentioned that we no longer do some of the traditions that were in place when I was in the guard. This upset people. Seriously, I hated doing that shit when I was in the guard. It was just dumb. I wasn't going to bring any of that back, and nor would Jen probably have let me. So I should explain. We would do this little cheer (I know right?!) where someone would yell "Hey color guard, go bananas!" and the guard would yell back "No way!" and that would repeat a few times until the guard gives in and says "Okay!" then does this little dance, singing "we peel to the left, we peel to the right, we peel to the front, then uh (insert grunt and pelvic thrust) take a bite, and uh take a bite and uh uh uh uh uh! take a bite." Like, seriously?! How is that appropriate?! Sorry, I'm so much an old lady in some of views. But anyway, I didn't get the point then, and I still don't. I was surprised at how... upset? some people got. Upset might be too strong of a word, but whatever.
I felt almost looked down on, or like people thought I was full of myself for staying with guard, let alone teaching Cal. This year is my 5th year there. Since then we have had 2 medals in winter guard, and done pretty damn well in field. We also teach them interesting/hard routines compared to when I was there. I really give all the credit for how I spin to Pacific Crest. I had a little talent when I started in 05, but damn, I really sucked haha. So did everyone at Cal. We just didn't know it. And we were okay with that. People were telling stories of rehearsals and things like they were Vietnam vets hanging out together reminiscing about battle. One girl I graduated with who started during winter freshman year and I talked a lot and she was saying how it was so weird that all of us didn't keep in touch as much, considering we spent basically every waking moment together for 4 years. She started going on and on about how we practiced so much and stuff, and I couldn't help thinking about how different my view of high school guard had become since doing drum corps. To me, high school guard is cake. After a long day of band camp, I'm almost anticipating another rehearsal block. Nothing I did in high school seems so hard. But I forget that for everyone else, that's all they have. There's nothing else to compare it to, so that makes it hard to really see it wasn't that bad.
I basically said the same thing over and over all night. I would have different people ask me what I was up to. I'd say that I graduated, getting my credential, teaching at Cal and Pioneer, and that was it. I felt like a broken record. Plus hearing about people's pregnancies and weddings made me VERY self-conscious. I'm not there... yet anyway.
So the real reason I'm writing is because I feel like this week will go on forever and yet it's already almost Wednesday. This week is a big week for so many reasons. For starters it's my last week of summer and at PacProp. I hate to say it but I will miss it. When I gave my notice last week they said I was always welcome back. They'd hire me full time if I could make it work, but with student teaching, and coaching 2 guards, probably not.. But there's always Christmas, Spring Break and next summer :]. This is also DCI finals week. I wish I could be there so bad. But unfortunately, I can't. Though, I found out I could have free tickets to finals night being a 2009 ageout haha. Too bad I live in California and Indianapolis too far away. So this means that PC is almost home, and along with it my best friend. She ages out Friday night. I'm so excited/proud of her.
Friday is also an important day. I plan on locking myself in my bedroom, drinking LOT and reading to get my mind off things. Friday is the 13th... which means 2 things... 2 horrible things. First, the 13th means that it is a another month with out Zach. Nine to be exact. And it was a Friday the 13th when he left us. So that makes it just a little worse. Next, it is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I can barely even talk about it. I don't usually refer to it so bluntly as just now. I usually say "what happened in August 08" which can easily throw people off who don't know. Zach and I broke up in August 08, I was sent home from tour on the verge of pneumonia... so I can get people off my case or talk about it without really thinking about it. It's kind of funny how the 2 most horrible days in my life kind of align. Zach was an important part of that day. I did sorta blame him at first. If he hadn't dumped me over the phone, I wouldn't have gone out with Melania and Jennee to get drunk and nothing would've happened... but I soon realized that it wasn't his fault at all, it was no one's fault. Except for the fucking prick who hurt me and got away with it. I lost a little bit of faith in the LAPD, and police in general, when he went free. There was no evidence and I didn't remember anything, nor did I want to ever talk to him or see him again. I pretty much refuse to talk to my family about it, or anyone. After it happened was a VERY bad time in my life. My parents became too over bearing and I basically shut them out. I still remember a conversation with Zach. We met for coffee to talk about the break up and what happened. He told me to see a therapist. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone. He told me a very private story about how it'd helped him and may help me. I never took his advice, but I am thankful he cared enough to tell me that story and offer me help even after we had broken up. I miss him so much.
Thursday Melania and I are spending PC's quarter finals performance time with Zach. He should be up on that podium. I love that Mark is there, but I still have a hard time see him there and not Zach. It will be emotional for sure. Especially with what the next day is. And I have to got teach High School after, so that should be fun haha.
Anyway, I'm annoyed with typing, so I'm going to read more or just watch a movie... guess which one...
One of the things I love about Lisbeth Salander is that she's different. Lately, that's how I've felt. Not in such an extreme way as the character, but I feel sort of left out. Like I missed a memo somewhere. I went to a Cal Hi Color Guard reunion on Sunday. It was really crazy to catch up with people I haven't seen, let alone talked to in years. I think just about everyone was married/engaged, pregnant/had kids, or at least had a boyfriend and job. Granted, I'm one of the few who has finished their college degree, and I'm well on my way to my career, but I feel like I missed some thing that was important to "growing up."
It's hard for me to explain. It's probably also important to mention that I'm the only one who kept spinning after high school (not 100% true, one girl did a baby independent guard one year then SoCal Dream... all at age 18 btw. Another girl did Corona Light it's first year). I also did something that may seem out of character, I defended Jen. We get a long SO much better now than we did the first few years teaching together, and when one of the girls who would've been a senior my first year teaching the guard (and I should mention she, and almost all the others who were on the team at the time, quit because of Jen) said "is that bitch still there?" I answer with "She's NOT a bitch" without any hesitation. I also mentioned that we no longer do some of the traditions that were in place when I was in the guard. This upset people. Seriously, I hated doing that shit when I was in the guard. It was just dumb. I wasn't going to bring any of that back, and nor would Jen probably have let me. So I should explain. We would do this little cheer (I know right?!) where someone would yell "Hey color guard, go bananas!" and the guard would yell back "No way!" and that would repeat a few times until the guard gives in and says "Okay!" then does this little dance, singing "we peel to the left, we peel to the right, we peel to the front, then uh (insert grunt and pelvic thrust) take a bite, and uh take a bite and uh uh uh uh uh! take a bite." Like, seriously?! How is that appropriate?! Sorry, I'm so much an old lady in some of views. But anyway, I didn't get the point then, and I still don't. I was surprised at how... upset? some people got. Upset might be too strong of a word, but whatever.
I felt almost looked down on, or like people thought I was full of myself for staying with guard, let alone teaching Cal. This year is my 5th year there. Since then we have had 2 medals in winter guard, and done pretty damn well in field. We also teach them interesting/hard routines compared to when I was there. I really give all the credit for how I spin to Pacific Crest. I had a little talent when I started in 05, but damn, I really sucked haha. So did everyone at Cal. We just didn't know it. And we were okay with that. People were telling stories of rehearsals and things like they were Vietnam vets hanging out together reminiscing about battle. One girl I graduated with who started during winter freshman year and I talked a lot and she was saying how it was so weird that all of us didn't keep in touch as much, considering we spent basically every waking moment together for 4 years. She started going on and on about how we practiced so much and stuff, and I couldn't help thinking about how different my view of high school guard had become since doing drum corps. To me, high school guard is cake. After a long day of band camp, I'm almost anticipating another rehearsal block. Nothing I did in high school seems so hard. But I forget that for everyone else, that's all they have. There's nothing else to compare it to, so that makes it hard to really see it wasn't that bad.
I basically said the same thing over and over all night. I would have different people ask me what I was up to. I'd say that I graduated, getting my credential, teaching at Cal and Pioneer, and that was it. I felt like a broken record. Plus hearing about people's pregnancies and weddings made me VERY self-conscious. I'm not there... yet anyway.
So the real reason I'm writing is because I feel like this week will go on forever and yet it's already almost Wednesday. This week is a big week for so many reasons. For starters it's my last week of summer and at PacProp. I hate to say it but I will miss it. When I gave my notice last week they said I was always welcome back. They'd hire me full time if I could make it work, but with student teaching, and coaching 2 guards, probably not.. But there's always Christmas, Spring Break and next summer :]. This is also DCI finals week. I wish I could be there so bad. But unfortunately, I can't. Though, I found out I could have free tickets to finals night being a 2009 ageout haha. Too bad I live in California and Indianapolis too far away. So this means that PC is almost home, and along with it my best friend. She ages out Friday night. I'm so excited/proud of her.
Friday is also an important day. I plan on locking myself in my bedroom, drinking LOT and reading to get my mind off things. Friday is the 13th... which means 2 things... 2 horrible things. First, the 13th means that it is a another month with out Zach. Nine to be exact. And it was a Friday the 13th when he left us. So that makes it just a little worse. Next, it is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I can barely even talk about it. I don't usually refer to it so bluntly as just now. I usually say "what happened in August 08" which can easily throw people off who don't know. Zach and I broke up in August 08, I was sent home from tour on the verge of pneumonia... so I can get people off my case or talk about it without really thinking about it. It's kind of funny how the 2 most horrible days in my life kind of align. Zach was an important part of that day. I did sorta blame him at first. If he hadn't dumped me over the phone, I wouldn't have gone out with Melania and Jennee to get drunk and nothing would've happened... but I soon realized that it wasn't his fault at all, it was no one's fault. Except for the fucking prick who hurt me and got away with it. I lost a little bit of faith in the LAPD, and police in general, when he went free. There was no evidence and I didn't remember anything, nor did I want to ever talk to him or see him again. I pretty much refuse to talk to my family about it, or anyone. After it happened was a VERY bad time in my life. My parents became too over bearing and I basically shut them out. I still remember a conversation with Zach. We met for coffee to talk about the break up and what happened. He told me to see a therapist. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone. He told me a very private story about how it'd helped him and may help me. I never took his advice, but I am thankful he cared enough to tell me that story and offer me help even after we had broken up. I miss him so much.
Thursday Melania and I are spending PC's quarter finals performance time with Zach. He should be up on that podium. I love that Mark is there, but I still have a hard time see him there and not Zach. It will be emotional for sure. Especially with what the next day is. And I have to got teach High School after, so that should be fun haha.
Anyway, I'm annoyed with typing, so I'm going to read more or just watch a movie... guess which one...
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