Last night, while trying to fall asleep and reminiscing more than usual, I thought of something. Now, I don't pray or anything all that often, but I actually decided to say a prayer last night after thinking of this idea. Here's what I can remember.
Dear God,
Thank you for my ex-boyfriends. Thank you for bringing Chris, Kyle, Billy, Noah, Chris, Adam, Kevin, Zach, and Noah (again, pretty much) into my life. If it weren't for these boys, and yes they were all boys, I would have never realized what I wanted in a man. If it weren't for all of them, I'm not sure I would have Jon in my life now. It seems strange to be thankful for all the heartache, cried tears, anger and frustration, but I am. I am so thankful for all of it.
I made mistakes with all of them. I'm not calling the relationships themselves mistakes, but the things I did or what I thought I should or shouldn't do in those relationships were some of the mistakes. And they weren't all my mistakes, either. That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me to remember. They were all learning experiences. I learned how to tone down my clinginess, how to be more selfless and sometimes more selfish. I learned that I can't control how someone else feels, no matter what I do. I worked out a lot of the kinks. I know I'm still working somethings out, but I at least know what I'm ready and willing to do in a relationship, and what's a definite deal breaker.
In each of those boys I saw part of a greater picture. It was like I finished a big part of a puzzle, but I still had a million pieces left. None of them were everything I wanted. To be honest, I'm not sure any one person can truly live up to every expectation that someone has when they create the "perfect partner" in their mind. But my exes were nowhere near what I wanted and, in some cases, nowhere near what I deserved. I've been fortunate that most of these boys are generally good people. Like me, they were just immature when we dated. We still had a lot to learn about life, love, etc. We had a lot to learn about ourselves. I was totally that girl who would change what she liked to get a boy to like me. I look back and hate myself a little, but I was naive. I didn't realize that being myself would get me someone who truly loves me for me. That I didn't need to be like girls in magazines, or even like other girls in my classes (or usually other girls in drum corps) for a guy to fall in love with me. I love make-up and wearing dresses just as much as I love video games and dinosaurs. And that's okay. It took all of these boys to help me realize that.
If it weren't for all the fumbles, all the over analyzing, fights, long talks with friends... I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't know the things I know about relationships. I'm still figuring out so much, and I know that I will be my whole life. Might be the teacher in me talking, but you're never done learning. But all of the experiences I had helped make me who I am, and have helped me be part of a wonderful relationship with Jon. I could not be more thankful for him. While nothing is set in stone, and who knows what could happen tomorrow, I feel like I've really met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And he feels that way about me.
So, thank you for my exes. They helped me see who I am, what I could be, and what I don't want to be. They were all practice for now.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Almost-versary
Lately I've been very busy trying to be a good teacher. I also got in a minor car accident. As much as I'm stressed because of all the things, only 1 thing is on my mind right now: about 10 days until mine and Jon's anniversary.
We couldn't decide on an exact "date" for our anniversary See, he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. After 3-4 dates I asked when I could start calling him my boyfriend, and he told me he'd already told his mom I was his girlfriend. So we just were haha. I technically remember this date, because like a typical girl, I put it on facebook. You know, how you're supposed to do with major life updates. How else are people supposed to know? You mean actually talk to someone?! That's crazy.
But I digress. We decided to count our first "official" date as our anniversary. December 14, 2013. It's coming up so fast. I still can't believe that this year has gone by so quickly, let alone that we're still so head over heels for each other. I've said this a bunch, but I've honestly found my soul mate. I'm dating my best friend. Insert other cheesy cliches.
Yes, I know that realistically a year is not that long, but I still think it's crazy that I haven't scared him off yet. Somehow, despite all of my faults, all of my anxieties (lately especially), all of my weird quirks... this man still loves me and wants to be in my life and me in his. (I'd also like to point out that both of our respective parents have been married for 30+ years and dated about a year before getting engaged... just saying...)
Today is a good example. I've been really struggling with classroom management. It's always been what I've struggled with. It's kept me from getting teaching jobs in the past, and I've known that I need to work on it. I asked the administration for help, and the response was basically I've waited too long to be strict (it's been a month and a half since I started) and the students think they can walk all over me. It really sucked to hear, but it was a reality check. Now, the admins are still happy to help me out and have been supportive. So have the other teachers, giving me tips and telling my what's worked for them. So today I decided I needed to follow through with giving a referral (basically, a suspension), stop giving so many warnings and empty threats. I need to show I'm not a push over. I was totally nervous, and woke up this morning almost in tears from the anxiety. I text Jon when I was about to leave the house because I was just so anxious. Usually he's asleep when I'm getting up because of the whole getting home from work at 3am business, so I didn't expect a response. Instead I get him calling me. We talked on the phone my whole way to work and for a few minutes while I was getting things ready for the day in my classroom. He said a bunch of encouraging things and kind of rambled a bit (he may have been sleepy & tipsy... he had a few beers after work haha). It totally made my day, and gave me the motivation I needed to do what I needed to (btw, sent a kid to the office, changed my problem class's seats and only face minor complaining. Success... just need to keep it up)
For the last few weeks Jon and I have been talking about whenever I get a more permanent job (like, hopefully my district hires me back for next year), I will be able to move out... and he could kind of, you know, be there all the time. It's been our cute way of talking about moving in together. He wants to make sure he can still help his parents and afford to support himself. Totally responsible. But the more and more we talk about this stuff, the more I really can't wait for it to happen. Thanksgiving allowed me to spend a lot more time with him. We split the time between his house and mine, and I got to spend Thursday - Monday (well, until I needed to leave for work) with him. It was the best. Getting to have him kiss me and tell me to have a good day before work was one of the best feelings ever. I want that every day. Monday was also when I got the reality check from my Asst. Principal, so I was having a shitty day. What does Jon do? Well, since he was still in the area (getting his car serviced), he decided to stop by my school during my prep period to give me some pastries from a bakery I like. And even though I had a lot of work to do and I was being really emotional, he was happy to just sit and let me vent for a few minutes before I had to dash back to my room to work.
This boy gets me. He is the most encouraging person in the world to me. Yes, I have lots of support from my friends and family. And I am so thankful and lucky for that. But, there's just something about when he says it... I know that he means it, that he really does believe in me and it helps me to believe it too.
The other night during a meltdown worthy panic attack I asked him if my anxiety was scaring him off. I was feeling extra insecure. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and I said he had too much patience with me.
More and more often these are the types of conversations we're having. I've already written that we've kind of had "the talk." But the more and more that we have these conversations... when he talks about us moving in together as if it'll happen any day now... when he goes above and beyond what most guys would do... I know that I've found the person I want to spend my life with.
Now, it's late and I have to be up in a few hours to say hi to my wonderful boyfriend when he gets off work.. shortly before needing to go to work myself... So I leave you with this John Legend song that I am in love with at the moment.
We couldn't decide on an exact "date" for our anniversary See, he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. After 3-4 dates I asked when I could start calling him my boyfriend, and he told me he'd already told his mom I was his girlfriend. So we just were haha. I technically remember this date, because like a typical girl, I put it on facebook. You know, how you're supposed to do with major life updates. How else are people supposed to know? You mean actually talk to someone?! That's crazy.
But I digress. We decided to count our first "official" date as our anniversary. December 14, 2013. It's coming up so fast. I still can't believe that this year has gone by so quickly, let alone that we're still so head over heels for each other. I've said this a bunch, but I've honestly found my soul mate. I'm dating my best friend. Insert other cheesy cliches.
Yes, I know that realistically a year is not that long, but I still think it's crazy that I haven't scared him off yet. Somehow, despite all of my faults, all of my anxieties (lately especially), all of my weird quirks... this man still loves me and wants to be in my life and me in his. (I'd also like to point out that both of our respective parents have been married for 30+ years and dated about a year before getting engaged... just saying...)
Today is a good example. I've been really struggling with classroom management. It's always been what I've struggled with. It's kept me from getting teaching jobs in the past, and I've known that I need to work on it. I asked the administration for help, and the response was basically I've waited too long to be strict (it's been a month and a half since I started) and the students think they can walk all over me. It really sucked to hear, but it was a reality check. Now, the admins are still happy to help me out and have been supportive. So have the other teachers, giving me tips and telling my what's worked for them. So today I decided I needed to follow through with giving a referral (basically, a suspension), stop giving so many warnings and empty threats. I need to show I'm not a push over. I was totally nervous, and woke up this morning almost in tears from the anxiety. I text Jon when I was about to leave the house because I was just so anxious. Usually he's asleep when I'm getting up because of the whole getting home from work at 3am business, so I didn't expect a response. Instead I get him calling me. We talked on the phone my whole way to work and for a few minutes while I was getting things ready for the day in my classroom. He said a bunch of encouraging things and kind of rambled a bit (he may have been sleepy & tipsy... he had a few beers after work haha). It totally made my day, and gave me the motivation I needed to do what I needed to (btw, sent a kid to the office, changed my problem class's seats and only face minor complaining. Success... just need to keep it up)
For the last few weeks Jon and I have been talking about whenever I get a more permanent job (like, hopefully my district hires me back for next year), I will be able to move out... and he could kind of, you know, be there all the time. It's been our cute way of talking about moving in together. He wants to make sure he can still help his parents and afford to support himself. Totally responsible. But the more and more we talk about this stuff, the more I really can't wait for it to happen. Thanksgiving allowed me to spend a lot more time with him. We split the time between his house and mine, and I got to spend Thursday - Monday (well, until I needed to leave for work) with him. It was the best. Getting to have him kiss me and tell me to have a good day before work was one of the best feelings ever. I want that every day. Monday was also when I got the reality check from my Asst. Principal, so I was having a shitty day. What does Jon do? Well, since he was still in the area (getting his car serviced), he decided to stop by my school during my prep period to give me some pastries from a bakery I like. And even though I had a lot of work to do and I was being really emotional, he was happy to just sit and let me vent for a few minutes before I had to dash back to my room to work.
This boy gets me. He is the most encouraging person in the world to me. Yes, I have lots of support from my friends and family. And I am so thankful and lucky for that. But, there's just something about when he says it... I know that he means it, that he really does believe in me and it helps me to believe it too.
The other night during a meltdown worthy panic attack I asked him if my anxiety was scaring him off. I was feeling extra insecure. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and I said he had too much patience with me.
Now, it's late and I have to be up in a few hours to say hi to my wonderful boyfriend when he gets off work.. shortly before needing to go to work myself... So I leave you with this John Legend song that I am in love with at the moment.
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