I hate to make it seem like I simply use this blog as a way to vent my feelings when I have no one around, but apparently that's when I'm most inspired (motivated?) to write anything.

One of the things that has been one my mind a lot (probably too much) has been finding a job. If you go back and read any of my other posts in this blog, you'll notice that I spend a ton of time writing about boys and relationships. These used to be the things that defined me; my relationship to a boy or lack there of. But I have started to see that it's more fun to be myself, sans companion. Now, would I like a boyfriend? Heck yeah, but I feel like I don't need one to be "whole". I feel this is me slowly maturing, but we'll see haha. I have since moved the focus of my time and energy in to other areas of life, trying to figure out what "defines" me. And though I still feel that I haven't completely figured it all out, I do know that one thing I identify with is teaching.

Since I was 15, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I have had fleeting moments here and there where I thought about doing other things in life, but I never seriously considered any of them. Once I got to actually stand in front of a class, teach a lesson, help students, I was hooked! I wanted to keep doing it. But it's been so disheartening these last few months. It used to be that you couldn't find enough people willing to become teachers. People were getting emergency credentials and jobs, fresh out of college without any experience in a classroom. Now I have a year of student teaching/subbing under my belt and I can't even get an interview.

Not to get all philosophical, but is this a sign? I have had so many people tell me I should look into other fields. Is this God/the Universe's way of saying "hey, just kidding, this isn't for you"?

The 2 biggest nay-sayers have been Jen and my grandfather. Jen and I don't always see eye-to-eye on things, but because of the guard at Cal we see each other a lot. And when someone you see basically everyday tells you that you shouldn't do something you're passionate about, it's hard to shake it off. My grandfather is a little bit different scenario. I may not see him everyday, but he is family, and has been supportive in many other instances. My dad says he's from a different generation and that I shouldn't take what he says to heart, but when he says things like "you're a pretty girl, you should get into sales or something!" and he means it with the utmost sincerity, it hurts. He got me to tears talking about giving up teaching guard (which I can kind of get) and eventually telling me I shouldn't be a teacher. He has since brought it up again, in front of many people, and adding the loving caveat "now, don't ya start crying..." before preceding to tell me I've wasted the last 2 years. At least that time didn't result in tears, and I simply kept my mouth shut... I feel like those 2 actions are connected.

Now, I had a point to all of this before. Old Sam, defined by boys. New Sam, defined by career/lack of career. Instead of getting frustrated/jealous of other girls with their boyfriends, or being sulky over an ex who has moved on (though that has happened recently...) I have started to have those same feelings toward friends who have the great fortune of finding work. I know a bunch of other people who are teachers. Considering I met most of them through drum corps/color guard, I think that's pretty cool. If I had to guess-timate, I would say 90% of them have found jobs for this school year. Fantastic for them! But at the same time, little jealous Sam is not so happy for them. I try to keep those feeling out of my head, but it's hard.

VERY hard.

I'm doing my darndist to stay positive. Daily I go on Edjoin (a site where teaching jobs in CA are posted) and either apply to anything new that has popped up or check the status of the 20ish applications I have out there in the ether. Only a handful have even had the kindness to write me saying, "We're sorry, but the position is filled." I would love to AT LEAST make it to an interview.

C'mon, cut me a break already...

I may write more later if I can remember, but that's all the venting for now.