A large portion of my day was spent slightly rearranging and cleaning my room. I've actually been wanting to do this for a while, but what motivated me to do it now? Well, that is a bit of a story.
Last week I had an interview in Fontana, just a few minutes drive from Jon. So after the interview, I met up with my sleep deprived boyfriend for lunch. We hardly ever see each other during the week because of our schedules, but it was nice to see each other for a little lunch date in the during the week. While at lunch, Jon says that he has a surprise for me, but I have to promise that I won't be mad. I begin to be skeptical at this point because why would I be mad about a surprise? After promising, several times, that I would not be mad about the surprise, he explains that he is buying me a new TV.
So romantic, right? He then explains WHY he wants to get me this TV. On top of being a massive deal (40" Panasonic for $250, I guess that's hard to find), he says that it is for "selfish" reasons. I have a 22" TV in my room right now. I don't think it's THAT tiny, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks that. So he says that whenever he comes over, he can't see what we're watching. He NEEDS this TV for my room so that he can see when he's over. Then he says that whenever I get a teaching job and move out, it will make a great TV for my living room... and whenever he's able to move in with me (once he can afford to help his parents and move out) it can be the bedroom TV again and we'll NEED to upgrade to a 50" 3D TV in the living room.
Now, while he's telling me all of this, I'm just sitting there staring at him from across the table. I was laying my head in my hands, covering my mouth with my hands, trying as hard as I could to conceal how big my smile was getting with each thing he said. I'm not sure if I've said this before in my blogs or not, but Jon and I have talked about the future briefly. We haven't talked too much about it, but he said he does see us together for a very long time, and I know in my heart he is the man I want to (will) marry one day. So hearing him talk about a future where we live together just made me so excited. Maybe it's just a stereotype, but guys are supposedly afraid of commitment. Having him talk in such definitive, positive terms about a future together just made me so excited for what's to come.
About a month ago, my friend Summer chastised me for not giving Jon a "drawer". For my birthday, Jon forgot to pack enough clothes for the weekend, so we actually had to go shopping for him while he was here. Summer said that when her and Johnnie were dating, she gave him a drawer in her dresser, where he kept some back ups and she even bought some stuff for him just in case. I told Jon about this, and of course he laughed about. He even joked I could have his whole dresser because he doesn't really use it.
Fast forward to today. This TV that Jon bought me is being delivered tomorrow, and in preparation I have been trying to clean up my room. While I was cleaning I decided to rearrange some things. This was mostly furniture, but I also tried to straighten up my dresser and night stands. While doing this, I realized that I have a bunch of crap in one of my night stands that I never really use. It's mostly old cards and drum corps patches I never put on my jacket. So I packed that stuff up, put it in the closet, and decided that will be Jon's drawer. He doesn't have a ton of stuff here right now, but he does have a few things he forgot at my place: socks, cards against humanity, and a t-shirt he gave me to cuddle with when I miss him (awwwww). I also decided to keep my scrapbook in there. I don't have a real scrapbook, but I found an unused photo album in the closet, and I have been keeping things from all my dates and trips with Jon in there. Like, I have the ticket from when we went to see The Hobbit on our first date. The map of Universal Studies from earlier that day. Tickets from various places we've been together. Little things that I'm too sentimental to part with. And on top of all of that, the night stand in question is on the side of the bed that Jon usually sleeps on, so it just works.
I'm super excited for this TV that already has a lot to live up to, and many expectations. Whether or not this TV will do all the things that Jon said will be seen in time. I can only hope that journey does happen, and hopefully soon. I'm an extremely impatient person (so much of this blog if evidence of that.) and I feel like waiting for this TV to get here is symbolic of me waiting for other things. I've been obsessively watching the UPS tracking to see when it will get here. I know it will get here eventually, but waiting is the hardest part. If that isn't a symbol for my life and waiting for what the future will bring, I don't know what is.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
I'm noticing a trend where I only write when I'm feeling somewhat anxious or down. I'm partly just down right now because it's the end of Monday, the last one I will get to spend with Jon for a while. I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm not feeling great about. Really, nothing is new. If anything, other than job/money stuff, I have no room to complain. Things are great.
But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.
Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.
But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.
The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.
And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?
This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.
But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.
Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.
But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.
The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.
And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?
This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.
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