Happy Thanksgiving. (Or at least it was Thanksgiving when I started writing this)
I should probably write a post about all the things I'm thankful for. Like my family and friends, the great staff and students I work with, the wonderful place I live and experiences I've had...
But since it's me, and I'm kind of using this as a diary, I'm going to instead write about what comes to mind.
And right now that would be Social Anxiety.
I don't know exactly when I stopped being able to function well around people, but somewhere along the line I kind of forgot how to be normal. My friends sometimes think I'm overreacting, but I think one of my best friend's realized just how bad my social anxiety can be after this trip we took over the summer. It actually kind of hurt our friendship and I still don't feel like things are completely fixed even though we've talked about it since.
But I'm not here to talk about that particular situation. I'm just talking about me in a group of people in general. I've always been quiet for as long as I can remember. I usually get this joke at parties.
Random New Person: "Gosh Sam, you need to quiet down! You're way too loud."
Me: *stares at person waiting for them to realize they aren't being original or funny.*
RNP: "Seriously, such a loud mouth."
Me: *wishes person would just shut the fuck up.*
OR....
RNP: "Why are you so quiet? You hardly talk."
Me: "I don't know. I'm just quiet."
RNP: "You need to talk more!"
Me: -___- *I'll get right on that*
Apparently when I was MUCH younger my parents thought I would be an actress. I was always wanting an audience and to be the center of attention. I would say that these are traits I still have (otherwise I wouldn't love doing something that involved performing for an audience), but this is not a normal thing for me these days. Usually, if I am supposed to talk or someone puts me on the spot I get really flustered. I start talking much faster than I realize. Words come out before I even finish thinking. I basically embarrass myself. Or at least I feel like I have, even if I haven't.
Social Anxiety and a few bad social situations have almost completely obliterated my confidence when talking with someone. Even when I'm talking to someone I know I get really flustered sometimes. This has made meeting new people a really hard thing for me. (First impressions are not my strong suit). Add on to that things like feeling sick or distracted, and I'm basically a mess.
So tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, I was both feeling sick (allergies suck), distracted (I was waiting for texts from the guy I like), and I had to make conversation with new people. I got the whole, "You're so quiet! Why don't you say anything?" bit. I just basically didn't want to talk to anyone. It wasn't like I was mad or anything, I just don't always feel the need to talk. And I guess people just don't get that.
If you ask my closest friends they will tell you that I can be fucking chatter box when I want to be. I will talk your ear off if I actually have something to say. But if I don't feel comfortable around you or I don't know you well or I just don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, I probably won't say much. It really is a scenario of "it's not you, it's me." Chalk it up to being too much of a listener, or always being talked over when trying to talk to my Dad.
But the real reason I started talking about Social Anxiety isn't from the having to make conversation at dinner... that wasn't as terrible as I make it sound. It was actually from the reason I was distracted, texting the guy I like. I saw this post on Tumblr and it made me think (or overthink).
On and off all day I've been texting the guy I like. (BTW, I'm not using his name because I'm actually afraid to jinx anything. How silly is that? haha). He text me to say Happy Thanksgiving, and I tried asking him stuff about how he spends Thanksgiving to kind of keep the conversation going. Friends have told me that I should do things like that to get to know him better. Which makes complete sense and is something I would tell them to do if they were asking me what to say. To give a little more context, when I first starting talking to him a few months ago, I complained to my friends that I felt like conversations kind of went nowhere, and they said it was probably because I need to do more to keep them going and basically not let him do all the heavy lifting in the convo (hopefully that made some sense haha). The friend who has been trying to set us up also said he's a little too much like me and he's probably over analyzing things too... which is what I'm doing, according to her. And she has a point, I over analyze A LOT.
And, lucky reader, this is where that over analyzing happens!
To kind of prove that I'm not completely insane, I would like to point out that: 1) I realize that I have only spent a limited about of time talking to this guy and I'm not even sure what he thinks about me (other than telling me how much fun he had the other night and that he'd like to do it again). 2) It is a national holiday where you should be spending time with family, not texting people. 3) I have a well documented history of becoming too attached too quickly. I realize this and I'm already making an effort to not be that girl anymore.
Now that I've said that, here's the stuff that will make me sound crazy.
While telling my friend about the kind of double date, I said something along the lines of, "ugh! I hate that I'm actually starting to really like this guy." Her response was something like, "Why?! Be happy and excited about it!" I know that I should just be happy and go with it. Even though everything about this situation is unknown, it really is exciting. But, I've said this TOO MANY TIMES in this blog, I haven't had a real boyfriend for almost 5 years. That's a really long time. I haven't been dating for about as long as I was dating (did that make sense?). And even the relationships I had weren't the best confidence builders.
And it's partly because of those other crappy relationships that I'm scared that I'm really liking this guy. You know how long it's been since I've wanted to hold hands or kiss someone other than my ex-with-benefits? I have been on a few blah dates in the last few years. I tried a dating website that did not really work for me. But I've been kind of obsessed with asshat because he's the only boy to give me any sort of attention in the last few years. Well, attention that wasn't unwanted. And it was familiar and comfortable. So my brain is having a hard time picturing doing anything with anyone else. And this new guy is so sweet and cute, that I really want to hold his hand, or cuddle, or kiss him. And that scares the crap out of me. It's new and foreign.
I feel not good enough, and worried that I will do something wrong. I'm most afraid of coming off clingy. I don't want to scare him away by coming on too strong too soon. Like texting him today. I was super scared that I would drive him off by trying to text him. I shouldn't feel so insecure about it since he text me first and he even made sure to reiterate how he thought Monday night was great. But I didn't really get too many responses from him. And that started making me even more paranoid. Did I say something wrong? Does he not want to talk to me?
I have been trying to keep myself from texting him since Monday night. Silly, right? Well, I was afraid that if I text him too soon it would be unwanted. I've even subconsciously not text my friends about these anxieties because I'm pretty sure they would tell me to stop over thinking and just text him if I want to talk to him. I feel like that comic I saw on Tumblr. I'm so afraid of not realizing I'm too clingy until it's too late, that I'm starting to push away instead.
And basically this whole post has been a way for me to convince myself of overcoming stupid things like not texting him because I'm afraid of scaring him away. I want a guy I can text everyday... or you know, actually see everyday. I know I shouldn't come on too strong, but I can still show interest.... I've had a pretty easy time of being myself around him so far, so why not keep being myself? Like I said earlier, I'm a generally quiet person. But I feel like there's a chance that with him I could be more open and loud.... and on that note (that totally sounded dirty in my head), I will call it a night.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Well, not yet, but yeah.
So I've been really bad about writing in this as often as I wanted, but I'm trying to fix that now. I'm going to try to update what's been happening while also talking about thanksgiving stuff because its the thing to do.
SO update time.
Field season is finally over. The end of the season wasn't as great as I would've liked, but as a whole it wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty good. It's disheartening that they dropped more than 5 points in one week, but on the whole they were almost 7 points higher on average from last year. So, that's good. We had a staff meeting today to talk about what changes to make for next year, what to do to recruit, role of student leadership, and of course, ideas for next year. My contributions: Witches (like, Salem Witch trial stuff), Apocalypse (preferably of the zombie orientation), and Baseball (because it'd be cute and cool). A lot of other cool suggestions were made and nothing is decided yet, but the goal is to decide sooner vs. later. Also got some good ideas for winter guard. There is so much to do in the weeks leading to Christmas.
In other news, I went on a kind of, sort of double date last night. It was great. The day started with one of my best friend's kidnapping me haha. We met another friend for brunch, went shopping (where I bought a remote controlled helicopter. Friendly reminder: I am a grown adult), and then we went to her place to have some drinks and hang out until movie/date time. It wasn't a true double date because this friend's sister-in-law tagged along. The 5 of us went to see the Doctor Who 50th anniversary in theaters. I had already seen it a few times (because I'm impatient and I get overly emotional when watching Doctor Who... doesn't come off great to cry like a baby over something so silly when you're trying to impress a boy).
Before I get too involved in this story, I should talk about how this date came to happen. Alright, so I've been talking to this guy for a while now (I mentioned this in the last post). And he has asked me a bunch of times what my schedule is like, but he's never actually asked me out. Well, the other day we were texting about something and he asked if I'd be free Monday night. I had been planning on seeing the 50th for a few weeks with this friend (who has also been trying to set me up with this guy for a while). She had bought the tickets already, and she "just happened" to have an extra ticket. She claims that she bought it thinking my brother would come with us, but I had already told her that he would be at school before she bought them, so that was just her crappy cover story. Anyway, I asked her what I should say, because 1) I really wanted to go out with this guy, and 2) I didn't want to miss my chance to see Doctor Who on the big screen. What a dilemma.
So my friend says, "Just ask him to join us." Without thinking, I did what she said. It wasn't until after I hit send on the text that I realize, "Oh shit! I think just beat him to it, and asked him out first!" He said yes, obviously.
Okay, cut back to last night. We got to the movie ridiculously early so that we could get good seats. My friend sat at one side of our row and I sat on the other (so that it was obvious that we were taking all of the seats) while everyone else went to get concessions and use the restroom. When this guy came back, he sat down next to me automatically. While we were a little silent some of the time, we tried to make conversation while waiting for the movie to start.
Now, I'm usually really shy and awkward when I have to talk to someone one-on-one (unless I know them really well). But with this guy, it was kind of scary, but I was actually pretty good about not being awkward. That has been my biggest goal while talking to him, not being awkward. I don't have a lot of confidence when talking to people, and I've approached talking to this guy as practice being a more confident me. So far it seems to be working out for me. A life goal for me has been to not be so serious and laugh at myself more, so I was telling him embarrassing stories, and geeky things. (Like the whole, watching over 500 episodes of Doctor Who thing... I even brought my homemade Tom Baker scarf. That takes courage... but I didn't wear it, my friend's husband did). To put it simply, I tried to be the me I am with the people I'm close to. I tried to be funny, and smart, and geeky. I've also been trying to get to know him and really listen without just trying to think about what I should say next (active listening, a lost art). We talked Doctor Who (obviously), Pokemon, video games in general, dogs, drunk stories, families, work, school. My friend was a big help in some things. At one point we ended up in the cabana (yes, she has a cabana) talking, just the 3 of us. I'm still working on being better about asking questions, because I'm always worried that I will come off as intrusive. So she kept asking him questions and that would help me come out of my shell a little more.
The biggest regret of yesterday, though, was that I didn't try harder to hold his hand or kiss him. I did the super dumb, "I'm going to put my hand on the arm rest and wait for you to make the next move," thing. I'm a little mad at myself for not taking my friend's advice. In the car earlier, she was very vocal on this subject. "Don't just leave your limp hand there! Who wants to grab that? This is what you do if you want to hold his hand." She then reached over and grabbed my hand. Sounds easy enough, but when the moment came, I choked. He had his arms crossed over his chest most of the time and I really was scared to just reach over and grab his hand. It's so childish. I'm 26, I shouldn't be scared to hold hands with a guy on a date.
Later that night, when saying goodbye, he did make a small move and hugged me. We've met a quite a few times at this friend's house for parties and stuff, and this was the first time we hugged. I melted a little on the inside, not gonna lie. When I got home last night, I had this conversation with him.
Well, not yet, but yeah.
So I've been really bad about writing in this as often as I wanted, but I'm trying to fix that now. I'm going to try to update what's been happening while also talking about thanksgiving stuff because its the thing to do.
SO update time.
Field season is finally over. The end of the season wasn't as great as I would've liked, but as a whole it wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty good. It's disheartening that they dropped more than 5 points in one week, but on the whole they were almost 7 points higher on average from last year. So, that's good. We had a staff meeting today to talk about what changes to make for next year, what to do to recruit, role of student leadership, and of course, ideas for next year. My contributions: Witches (like, Salem Witch trial stuff), Apocalypse (preferably of the zombie orientation), and Baseball (because it'd be cute and cool). A lot of other cool suggestions were made and nothing is decided yet, but the goal is to decide sooner vs. later. Also got some good ideas for winter guard. There is so much to do in the weeks leading to Christmas.
In other news, I went on a kind of, sort of double date last night. It was great. The day started with one of my best friend's kidnapping me haha. We met another friend for brunch, went shopping (where I bought a remote controlled helicopter. Friendly reminder: I am a grown adult), and then we went to her place to have some drinks and hang out until movie/date time. It wasn't a true double date because this friend's sister-in-law tagged along. The 5 of us went to see the Doctor Who 50th anniversary in theaters. I had already seen it a few times (because I'm impatient and I get overly emotional when watching Doctor Who... doesn't come off great to cry like a baby over something so silly when you're trying to impress a boy).
Before I get too involved in this story, I should talk about how this date came to happen. Alright, so I've been talking to this guy for a while now (I mentioned this in the last post). And he has asked me a bunch of times what my schedule is like, but he's never actually asked me out. Well, the other day we were texting about something and he asked if I'd be free Monday night. I had been planning on seeing the 50th for a few weeks with this friend (who has also been trying to set me up with this guy for a while). She had bought the tickets already, and she "just happened" to have an extra ticket. She claims that she bought it thinking my brother would come with us, but I had already told her that he would be at school before she bought them, so that was just her crappy cover story. Anyway, I asked her what I should say, because 1) I really wanted to go out with this guy, and 2) I didn't want to miss my chance to see Doctor Who on the big screen. What a dilemma.
So my friend says, "Just ask him to join us." Without thinking, I did what she said. It wasn't until after I hit send on the text that I realize, "Oh shit! I think just beat him to it, and asked him out first!" He said yes, obviously.
Okay, cut back to last night. We got to the movie ridiculously early so that we could get good seats. My friend sat at one side of our row and I sat on the other (so that it was obvious that we were taking all of the seats) while everyone else went to get concessions and use the restroom. When this guy came back, he sat down next to me automatically. While we were a little silent some of the time, we tried to make conversation while waiting for the movie to start.
Now, I'm usually really shy and awkward when I have to talk to someone one-on-one (unless I know them really well). But with this guy, it was kind of scary, but I was actually pretty good about not being awkward. That has been my biggest goal while talking to him, not being awkward. I don't have a lot of confidence when talking to people, and I've approached talking to this guy as practice being a more confident me. So far it seems to be working out for me. A life goal for me has been to not be so serious and laugh at myself more, so I was telling him embarrassing stories, and geeky things. (Like the whole, watching over 500 episodes of Doctor Who thing... I even brought my homemade Tom Baker scarf. That takes courage... but I didn't wear it, my friend's husband did). To put it simply, I tried to be the me I am with the people I'm close to. I tried to be funny, and smart, and geeky. I've also been trying to get to know him and really listen without just trying to think about what I should say next (active listening, a lost art). We talked Doctor Who (obviously), Pokemon, video games in general, dogs, drunk stories, families, work, school. My friend was a big help in some things. At one point we ended up in the cabana (yes, she has a cabana) talking, just the 3 of us. I'm still working on being better about asking questions, because I'm always worried that I will come off as intrusive. So she kept asking him questions and that would help me come out of my shell a little more.
The biggest regret of yesterday, though, was that I didn't try harder to hold his hand or kiss him. I did the super dumb, "I'm going to put my hand on the arm rest and wait for you to make the next move," thing. I'm a little mad at myself for not taking my friend's advice. In the car earlier, she was very vocal on this subject. "Don't just leave your limp hand there! Who wants to grab that? This is what you do if you want to hold his hand." She then reached over and grabbed my hand. Sounds easy enough, but when the moment came, I choked. He had his arms crossed over his chest most of the time and I really was scared to just reach over and grab his hand. It's so childish. I'm 26, I shouldn't be scared to hold hands with a guy on a date.
Later that night, when saying goodbye, he did make a small move and hugged me. We've met a quite a few times at this friend's house for parties and stuff, and this was the first time we hugged. I melted a little on the inside, not gonna lie. When I got home last night, I had this conversation with him.
I am still internally screaming. I have A LOT of issues with trusting boys and commitment, but I'm really starting to fall for this guy. He's been nothing but sweet, nice, and funny. I think this could be the start of something good. (Not to mention he looked really cute last night. He wore a slightly tight blue button down shirt and his hair was a little longer than the last time I saw him, so it was curly and stuff. He's super cute. haha).
So, in this time of Thanks, I'd like to thank my friends for being so awesome, and for introducing me to cute boys that aren't asshats. :)
Speaking of which...
This morning I got a random call from asshat (see previous posts to know who I'm talking about). I had posted things to my twitter about my date last night. I know he reads my tweets, and I kind of wanted him to see it, but it wasn't like I was posting it for the sole reason that he'd see it. So when he called this morning, this is roughly how the conversation started. "Good morning, Sammy. So how was your double date last night?" Ummm... I want to say that's a creeper thing to say, but if I'm posting it to the internet, I guess it's public information.
I had a brief back and forth with him over the fact this wasn't information I felt comfortable telling my ex (I'm sorry, I don't care how friendly or comfortable or close you are with your ex, it still doesn't feel right to talk about a boy I like with a boy I used to like... It may be a little childish of me, but this is some of those commitment/boy issues I was talking about before). He kept justifying, "But I'm happy for you! Can't I be happy for you? Just tell me, please." I answered a few questions. "Does he play video games?" "Yes." "Was he in band?" "Yes." "Did he march PC?" "No." I made it a point not to say the guy's name, because quite honestly, asshat doesn't need to know it. Despite the fact I've told a few people about this guy, even my mom, I kind of don't want to bring him up to too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm still not sure that I can call Monday an actual date, so I'm not getting any hopes up... well, I say that but I'm probably getting some up. (insert erection joke here).
I had a brief back and forth with him over the fact this wasn't information I felt comfortable telling my ex (I'm sorry, I don't care how friendly or comfortable or close you are with your ex, it still doesn't feel right to talk about a boy I like with a boy I used to like... It may be a little childish of me, but this is some of those commitment/boy issues I was talking about before). He kept justifying, "But I'm happy for you! Can't I be happy for you? Just tell me, please." I answered a few questions. "Does he play video games?" "Yes." "Was he in band?" "Yes." "Did he march PC?" "No." I made it a point not to say the guy's name, because quite honestly, asshat doesn't need to know it. Despite the fact I've told a few people about this guy, even my mom, I kind of don't want to bring him up to too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm still not sure that I can call Monday an actual date, so I'm not getting any hopes up... well, I say that but I'm probably getting some up. (insert erection joke here).
So yeah. I've been wanting to text him all night but I don't know what to say. I am totally that girl who over thinks a text message. Plus, he's working.
So there is my update.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Stories
I was originally going to write this long thing today, telling stories about Zach and the (too) brief time that I knew him. BUT I've decided that, for now, I'm going to keep most of those to myself. I'm going to cherish them even more because they are private.
I will say this quick story. On our first "date," we had been up talking on the phone all night, and it was time for both of us to go to our respective responsibilities, but we decided to meet up for coffee afterward. Only, Zach didn't really drink coffee, he drank Chai Tea Lattes, which I had never tried. We ended up talking all day outside a Starbucks (keep in mind, we had been on the phone probably a good 5 hours the night before). Afterward we saw the 5th Indiana Jones movie in theaters... I almost fell asleep, Zach definitely fell asleep. But before falling asleep, he kept looking at me. I finally whispered something along the lines of, "you can't watch the movie if you're looking at me." And he said something to the effect of, "but you're more interesting than the movie." I wish I could remember the exact words. I turned about 20 shades of red and smiled the rest of the movie. I want to cry right now thinking about this moment. Partly because he's gone, and obviously things didn't last romantically, but the upsetting part is that I don't remember the details. I can't even remember how his voice sounds. I know I can watch old PC videos and hear it, but that might make it worse. I remember some things, like before we even started talking, when he was just being a good Drum Major getting to know his corps, he took the time to ask me if I prefer Sam or Samantha. Most people just call me Sam (or Sammy Sue), and leave it at that, I don't mind. But Zach actually asked. And he called me Samantha, because he was one of the few people to know that I prefer my full name. He was that kind of person. He was so considerate and honest. Sometimes brutally honest. Anyway, It wasn't until shortly after he died that I actually tried a Chai Tea Latte. I love them. I don't know if I love them because of him, or because they're just good. Either way they remind me of him, and that day.
Moving on from things that depress me (because today was easier than I expected, but still very hard), I'm going to write about a song that has been stuck in my head lately. It's called 'Fire Escape' by the band Half Moon Run.
Lyrics:
Hey Dark Eyes,
Rest with me a while as I drift closer to sleep
Still cannot
Still cannot find no peace
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Hey Murderer,
Killin' keeps us close enough
Every breath you steal is a breath that I breathe for
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Now, I've been toying with the idea of a writing exercise: write a story using song lyrics as an outline. I'm sure that this isn't a new idea or anything, but it seems like something interesting. I want to try doing it, and I'm considering using this song. Or 'The Funeral' by Band of Horses (my favorite song, in case you're wondering, "why did she just say that out of nowhere?"). Like a story, a song (usually) has a beginning, middle, and end. But songs are (usually) more poetry than story. This makes them a little more open to artistic interpretation.
Who is the speaker talking to in the song? Are "Dark Eyes" and "Murderer" the same person? What happened? What is the significance of the "glass at our feet?" Why must they "run down the street to the church?" These are the kinds of questions that can be answered through story. And that's just if I decide to take a more literal approach to the lyrics. I think this could be very fun. Somewhere between trying to organize winter guard, figure out student loan crap, finding a real job, finishing marching season, subbing, working for my dad, the books I've started, and video games, I hope to try this out.
Ok, I've totally written this post out of order and feel a little more depressed than when I started writing it. Until next time.
I will say this quick story. On our first "date," we had been up talking on the phone all night, and it was time for both of us to go to our respective responsibilities, but we decided to meet up for coffee afterward. Only, Zach didn't really drink coffee, he drank Chai Tea Lattes, which I had never tried. We ended up talking all day outside a Starbucks (keep in mind, we had been on the phone probably a good 5 hours the night before). Afterward we saw the 5th Indiana Jones movie in theaters... I almost fell asleep, Zach definitely fell asleep. But before falling asleep, he kept looking at me. I finally whispered something along the lines of, "you can't watch the movie if you're looking at me." And he said something to the effect of, "but you're more interesting than the movie." I wish I could remember the exact words. I turned about 20 shades of red and smiled the rest of the movie. I want to cry right now thinking about this moment. Partly because he's gone, and obviously things didn't last romantically, but the upsetting part is that I don't remember the details. I can't even remember how his voice sounds. I know I can watch old PC videos and hear it, but that might make it worse. I remember some things, like before we even started talking, when he was just being a good Drum Major getting to know his corps, he took the time to ask me if I prefer Sam or Samantha. Most people just call me Sam (or Sammy Sue), and leave it at that, I don't mind. But Zach actually asked. And he called me Samantha, because he was one of the few people to know that I prefer my full name. He was that kind of person. He was so considerate and honest. Sometimes brutally honest. Anyway, It wasn't until shortly after he died that I actually tried a Chai Tea Latte. I love them. I don't know if I love them because of him, or because they're just good. Either way they remind me of him, and that day.
Moving on from things that depress me (because today was easier than I expected, but still very hard), I'm going to write about a song that has been stuck in my head lately. It's called 'Fire Escape' by the band Half Moon Run.
Lyrics:
Hey Dark Eyes,
Rest with me a while as I drift closer to sleep
Still cannot
Still cannot find no peace
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Hey Murderer,
Killin' keeps us close enough
Every breath you steal is a breath that I breathe for
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
You let go the glass at our feet
It rained through the night
And you, take the fire escape
Run down the street to the church
Now, I've been toying with the idea of a writing exercise: write a story using song lyrics as an outline. I'm sure that this isn't a new idea or anything, but it seems like something interesting. I want to try doing it, and I'm considering using this song. Or 'The Funeral' by Band of Horses (my favorite song, in case you're wondering, "why did she just say that out of nowhere?"). Like a story, a song (usually) has a beginning, middle, and end. But songs are (usually) more poetry than story. This makes them a little more open to artistic interpretation.
Who is the speaker talking to in the song? Are "Dark Eyes" and "Murderer" the same person? What happened? What is the significance of the "glass at our feet?" Why must they "run down the street to the church?" These are the kinds of questions that can be answered through story. And that's just if I decide to take a more literal approach to the lyrics. I think this could be very fun. Somewhere between trying to organize winter guard, figure out student loan crap, finding a real job, finishing marching season, subbing, working for my dad, the books I've started, and video games, I hope to try this out.
Ok, I've totally written this post out of order and feel a little more depressed than when I started writing it. Until next time.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Real Talk: Part 1
I've been using my Tumblr more and more as a kind of diary, but I'm starting to think that this is probably the better outlet for that. Especially since, you know, this is what I initially set this up to be.
Alright. Of course, now that I'm sitting here typing there is absolutely nothing coming to mind. Thanks, writer's block. (Be prepared, this will probably jump ALL over the place)
I guess it's the time of year, or maybe even just that time of the month, who knows. But I'm feeling a little more melancholy. I truly appreciate my friends for always putting up with my usual "down on myself" attitude, but this time of year especially I'm usually WAY depressed. Like, I contemplate going back on meds this time of year (Too bad I no longer have health insurance...). I hate the holidays because I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm surrounded by people. I like to blame Hollywood for making me feel that I have to be in a relationship for me to be happy this time of year. This is why I always tell people I hate Christmas, and why I hate watching Christmas movies (or RomComs in general).
Really, I should be blaming myself. I'm a jealous person; a terrible trait in a human being. There's a saying that you always see people in relationships when you're single, and that's how I feel during the holidays. I see the great relationships my friends are in and, while I'm happy for them, it makes me sad because I want that too. I want someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to say Happy New Year, and kiss me at midnight.
I've wasted... yes, wasted, WAY too much time chasing after a boy that I know will never care about me the way I care for him. It's funny that even though I know that, I'll probably always love him in some way. Even now, I've had to force myself not to bend over backwards for him. He was gone for a month and, of course, hasn't had enough gas or money to come see me since getting back to LA. Of course he called me to meet up EVERY DAY that I had specifically said I was not free (like, when I had a show, or 2...). And he's wanted me to drive all the way out to LA to see him, even wanting me to cancel plans with my best friend to see him instead. I didn't, but as soon as I got back from lunch with my friend I almost got in my car to brave rush hour just to see him. That would have been absolutely ridiculous, but it took a little too long for me to get that thought out of my head. If you read 90% of the posts on this blog, they're about him. Usually him being a jerk.
And the funny thing? I may have actually found someone new. The problems is that I forget how this whole thing works. Having an "ex/friend with benefits" for a few years and even before that having NO ONE... also having the last boy you officially dated die... you kind of forget how dating works. Like, I really like this new guy, and I'm surprisingly not completely awkward/quiet when I have hung out with him in person. But I don't know how fast or slow to take things. In the past it's always been super fast. (I have a tendency of having sleepovers with boys before they actually become boyfriends... but get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing sexual happens (usually). More like, talk all night and end up falling asleep kind of stuff). But it's like a match; it's quick to light, and pretty soon the flame is gone.
I want something that'll keep burning. Is that something I'm going to get with this guy? I don't know. It's kind of scary, but refreshing to not know. I want to find out if this is something that'll work or not. So far it's been a lot of texting (though not constant), one phone call from a wedding (which was kind of out of the blue and made me swoon a little), and seeing each other at our mutual friend's house. He's a little hard to read, but I chalk that up to it being hard to infer tone from texts (and he's a guy, which is basically alien to me). He's asked me about a million times what my schedule is like, which makes me think that he's going to ask me out, but he never follows through. I almost had the nerve to ask him the last time we text... but I couldn't do it. Is it super old-fashioned of me to want him to ask me out first? That could also be me fearing rejection.
Maybe he's not even interested. Maybe it's all in my mind. And maybe I'm just being negative again. He's a few years older than me, which is kind of a first. (Contrary to popular belief, I do date guys my own age. I used to get teased because I dated quite a few boys younger than me... but the youngest was Zach, and he was only 3 years younger than me, which is acceptable. The oldest, though, was only a year older and he was so immature I may as well have been dating someone younger). This guy is going to school full-time, and working full-time (so, school during the day, work at night... and sleep/homework in between), leaving little time for dates. We've kind of bonded a little over video games, and Doctor Who (he'd only seen season 1 of the reboot, and since talking with me he's trying to watch the rest).
But since we haven't been on a real date, or even spent basically any time one-on-one, I feel like I don't know too much about him. Silly, but basic, things like middle name, birthdate, brothers and sisters... I don't really know that stuff, nor does he know much about me on that front (though he knows more about me than I about him: my birthday is our mutual friend's wedding anniversary, her nickname for me includes me middle name, and I've mentioned my siblings).
And I'm so indecisive about how to talk to him. Like, even as I'm typing this, I want to text him. Even if it's something super generic like, "How was your weekend?" but I feel stupid doing that, and like I have nothing else to talk about. The problem with the ex I was talking about earlier, is that he is also one of the people I'm closest to and someone I've been friends with for the last decade, so I can call him and have a long conversation like it's nothing. With this new guy, that comfort level and familiarity isn't there (yet). So, it's hard. Our mutual friend (who has blatantly said she wants me to date this guy, and kept having parties so we'd hang out... until I finally caved and gave her the okay to give him my number) makes fun of me whenever I tell her how I literally sit there trying to think of a text to send him, writing and rewriting and ultimately going with "Hi." She's assured me he's probably doing the same thing, but I don't know. I'm very insecure since the only boy who has shown interest in me in the last 5 years is my ex, who clearly wants nothing more than a friend he can occasionally sleep with.
I feel like I'm rambling. I think I'll end this here. I originally intended to write more depressing stuff, because this week is going to be extremely hard, and I'm already a little more of a mess than I should me. I'll probably write that kind of stuff on Wednesday... because this writing thing is nice. Maybe one day I'll actually write a story again...
Alright. Of course, now that I'm sitting here typing there is absolutely nothing coming to mind. Thanks, writer's block. (Be prepared, this will probably jump ALL over the place)
I guess it's the time of year, or maybe even just that time of the month, who knows. But I'm feeling a little more melancholy. I truly appreciate my friends for always putting up with my usual "down on myself" attitude, but this time of year especially I'm usually WAY depressed. Like, I contemplate going back on meds this time of year (Too bad I no longer have health insurance...). I hate the holidays because I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm surrounded by people. I like to blame Hollywood for making me feel that I have to be in a relationship for me to be happy this time of year. This is why I always tell people I hate Christmas, and why I hate watching Christmas movies (or RomComs in general).
Really, I should be blaming myself. I'm a jealous person; a terrible trait in a human being. There's a saying that you always see people in relationships when you're single, and that's how I feel during the holidays. I see the great relationships my friends are in and, while I'm happy for them, it makes me sad because I want that too. I want someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to say Happy New Year, and kiss me at midnight.
I've wasted... yes, wasted, WAY too much time chasing after a boy that I know will never care about me the way I care for him. It's funny that even though I know that, I'll probably always love him in some way. Even now, I've had to force myself not to bend over backwards for him. He was gone for a month and, of course, hasn't had enough gas or money to come see me since getting back to LA. Of course he called me to meet up EVERY DAY that I had specifically said I was not free (like, when I had a show, or 2...). And he's wanted me to drive all the way out to LA to see him, even wanting me to cancel plans with my best friend to see him instead. I didn't, but as soon as I got back from lunch with my friend I almost got in my car to brave rush hour just to see him. That would have been absolutely ridiculous, but it took a little too long for me to get that thought out of my head. If you read 90% of the posts on this blog, they're about him. Usually him being a jerk.
And the funny thing? I may have actually found someone new. The problems is that I forget how this whole thing works. Having an "ex/friend with benefits" for a few years and even before that having NO ONE... also having the last boy you officially dated die... you kind of forget how dating works. Like, I really like this new guy, and I'm surprisingly not completely awkward/quiet when I have hung out with him in person. But I don't know how fast or slow to take things. In the past it's always been super fast. (I have a tendency of having sleepovers with boys before they actually become boyfriends... but get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing sexual happens (usually). More like, talk all night and end up falling asleep kind of stuff). But it's like a match; it's quick to light, and pretty soon the flame is gone.
I want something that'll keep burning. Is that something I'm going to get with this guy? I don't know. It's kind of scary, but refreshing to not know. I want to find out if this is something that'll work or not. So far it's been a lot of texting (though not constant), one phone call from a wedding (which was kind of out of the blue and made me swoon a little), and seeing each other at our mutual friend's house. He's a little hard to read, but I chalk that up to it being hard to infer tone from texts (and he's a guy, which is basically alien to me). He's asked me about a million times what my schedule is like, which makes me think that he's going to ask me out, but he never follows through. I almost had the nerve to ask him the last time we text... but I couldn't do it. Is it super old-fashioned of me to want him to ask me out first? That could also be me fearing rejection.
Maybe he's not even interested. Maybe it's all in my mind. And maybe I'm just being negative again. He's a few years older than me, which is kind of a first. (Contrary to popular belief, I do date guys my own age. I used to get teased because I dated quite a few boys younger than me... but the youngest was Zach, and he was only 3 years younger than me, which is acceptable. The oldest, though, was only a year older and he was so immature I may as well have been dating someone younger). This guy is going to school full-time, and working full-time (so, school during the day, work at night... and sleep/homework in between), leaving little time for dates. We've kind of bonded a little over video games, and Doctor Who (he'd only seen season 1 of the reboot, and since talking with me he's trying to watch the rest).
But since we haven't been on a real date, or even spent basically any time one-on-one, I feel like I don't know too much about him. Silly, but basic, things like middle name, birthdate, brothers and sisters... I don't really know that stuff, nor does he know much about me on that front (though he knows more about me than I about him: my birthday is our mutual friend's wedding anniversary, her nickname for me includes me middle name, and I've mentioned my siblings).
And I'm so indecisive about how to talk to him. Like, even as I'm typing this, I want to text him. Even if it's something super generic like, "How was your weekend?" but I feel stupid doing that, and like I have nothing else to talk about. The problem with the ex I was talking about earlier, is that he is also one of the people I'm closest to and someone I've been friends with for the last decade, so I can call him and have a long conversation like it's nothing. With this new guy, that comfort level and familiarity isn't there (yet). So, it's hard. Our mutual friend (who has blatantly said she wants me to date this guy, and kept having parties so we'd hang out... until I finally caved and gave her the okay to give him my number) makes fun of me whenever I tell her how I literally sit there trying to think of a text to send him, writing and rewriting and ultimately going with "Hi." She's assured me he's probably doing the same thing, but I don't know. I'm very insecure since the only boy who has shown interest in me in the last 5 years is my ex, who clearly wants nothing more than a friend he can occasionally sleep with.
I feel like I'm rambling. I think I'll end this here. I originally intended to write more depressing stuff, because this week is going to be extremely hard, and I'm already a little more of a mess than I should me. I'll probably write that kind of stuff on Wednesday... because this writing thing is nice. Maybe one day I'll actually write a story again...
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