I've been using my Tumblr more and more as a kind of diary, but I'm starting to think that this is probably the better outlet for that. Especially since, you know, this is what I initially set this up to be.
Alright. Of course, now that I'm sitting here typing there is absolutely nothing coming to mind. Thanks, writer's block. (Be prepared, this will probably jump ALL over the place)
I guess it's the time of year, or maybe even just that time of the month, who knows. But I'm feeling a little more melancholy. I truly appreciate my friends for always putting up with my usual "down on myself" attitude, but this time of year especially I'm usually WAY depressed. Like, I contemplate going back on meds this time of year (Too bad I no longer have health insurance...). I hate the holidays because I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm surrounded by people. I like to blame Hollywood for making me feel that I have to be in a relationship for me to be happy this time of year. This is why I always tell people I hate Christmas, and why I hate watching Christmas movies (or RomComs in general).
Really, I should be blaming myself. I'm a jealous person; a terrible trait in a human being. There's a saying that you always see people in relationships when you're single, and that's how I feel during the holidays. I see the great relationships my friends are in and, while I'm happy for them, it makes me sad because I want that too. I want someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to say Happy New Year, and kiss me at midnight.
I've wasted... yes, wasted, WAY too much time chasing after a boy that I know will never care about me the way I care for him. It's funny that even though I know that, I'll probably always love him in some way. Even now, I've had to force myself not to bend over backwards for him. He was gone for a month and, of course, hasn't had enough gas or money to come see me since getting back to LA. Of course he called me to meet up EVERY DAY that I had specifically said I was not free (like, when I had a show, or 2...). And he's wanted me to drive all the way out to LA to see him, even wanting me to cancel plans with my best friend to see him instead. I didn't, but as soon as I got back from lunch with my friend I almost got in my car to brave rush hour just to see him. That would have been absolutely ridiculous, but it took a little too long for me to get that thought out of my head. If you read 90% of the posts on this blog, they're about him. Usually him being a jerk.
And the funny thing? I may have actually found someone new. The problems is that I forget how this whole thing works. Having an "ex/friend with benefits" for a few years and even before that having NO ONE... also having the last boy you officially dated die... you kind of forget how dating works. Like, I really like this new guy, and I'm surprisingly not completely awkward/quiet when I have hung out with him in person. But I don't know how fast or slow to take things. In the past it's always been super fast. (I have a tendency of having sleepovers with boys before they actually become boyfriends... but get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing sexual happens (usually). More like, talk all night and end up falling asleep kind of stuff). But it's like a match; it's quick to light, and pretty soon the flame is gone.
I want something that'll keep burning. Is that something I'm going to get with this guy? I don't know. It's kind of scary, but refreshing to not know. I want to find out if this is something that'll work or not. So far it's been a lot of texting (though not constant), one phone call from a wedding (which was kind of out of the blue and made me swoon a little), and seeing each other at our mutual friend's house. He's a little hard to read, but I chalk that up to it being hard to infer tone from texts (and he's a guy, which is basically alien to me). He's asked me about a million times what my schedule is like, which makes me think that he's going to ask me out, but he never follows through. I almost had the nerve to ask him the last time we text... but I couldn't do it. Is it super old-fashioned of me to want him to ask me out first? That could also be me fearing rejection.
Maybe he's not even interested. Maybe it's all in my mind. And maybe I'm just being negative again. He's a few years older than me, which is kind of a first. (Contrary to popular belief, I do date guys my own age. I used to get teased because I dated quite a few boys younger than me... but the youngest was Zach, and he was only 3 years younger than me, which is acceptable. The oldest, though, was only a year older and he was so immature I may as well have been dating someone younger). This guy is going to school full-time, and working full-time (so, school during the day, work at night... and sleep/homework in between), leaving little time for dates. We've kind of bonded a little over video games, and Doctor Who (he'd only seen season 1 of the reboot, and since talking with me he's trying to watch the rest).
But since we haven't been on a real date, or even spent basically any time one-on-one, I feel like I don't know too much about him. Silly, but basic, things like middle name, birthdate, brothers and sisters... I don't really know that stuff, nor does he know much about me on that front (though he knows more about me than I about him: my birthday is our mutual friend's wedding anniversary, her nickname for me includes me middle name, and I've mentioned my siblings).
And I'm so indecisive about how to talk to him. Like, even as I'm typing this, I want to text him. Even if it's something super generic like, "How was your weekend?" but I feel stupid doing that, and like I have nothing else to talk about. The problem with the ex I was talking about earlier, is that he is also one of the people I'm closest to and someone I've been friends with for the last decade, so I can call him and have a long conversation like it's nothing. With this new guy, that comfort level and familiarity isn't there (yet). So, it's hard. Our mutual friend (who has blatantly said she wants me to date this guy, and kept having parties so we'd hang out... until I finally caved and gave her the okay to give him my number) makes fun of me whenever I tell her how I literally sit there trying to think of a text to send him, writing and rewriting and ultimately going with "Hi." She's assured me he's probably doing the same thing, but I don't know. I'm very insecure since the only boy who has shown interest in me in the last 5 years is my ex, who clearly wants nothing more than a friend he can occasionally sleep with.
I feel like I'm rambling. I think I'll end this here. I originally intended to write more depressing stuff, because this week is going to be extremely hard, and I'm already a little more of a mess than I should me. I'll probably write that kind of stuff on Wednesday... because this writing thing is nice. Maybe one day I'll actually write a story again...
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