Social Anxiety

Happy Thanksgiving. (Or at least it was Thanksgiving when I started writing this)

I should probably write a post about all the things I'm thankful for. Like my family and friends, the great staff and students I work with, the wonderful place I live and experiences I've had...

But since it's me, and I'm kind of using this as a diary, I'm going to instead write about what comes to mind.

And right now that would be Social Anxiety.

I don't know exactly when I stopped being able to function well around people, but somewhere along the line I kind of forgot how to be normal. My friends sometimes think I'm overreacting, but I think one of my best friend's realized just how bad my social anxiety can be after this trip we took over the summer. It actually kind of hurt our friendship and I still don't feel like things are completely fixed even though we've talked about it since.

But I'm not here to talk about that particular situation. I'm just talking about me in a group of people in general. I've always been quiet for as long as I can remember. I usually get this joke at parties.

Random New Person: "Gosh Sam, you need to quiet down! You're way too loud."

Me: *stares at person waiting for them to realize they aren't being original or funny.*

RNP: "Seriously, such a loud mouth."

Me: *wishes person would just shut the fuck up.*

OR....

RNP: "Why are you so quiet? You hardly talk."

Me: "I don't know. I'm just quiet."

RNP: "You need to talk more!"

Me: -___- *I'll get right on that*

Apparently when I was MUCH younger my parents thought I would be an actress. I was always wanting an audience and to be the center of attention. I would say that these are traits I still have (otherwise I wouldn't love doing something that involved performing for an audience), but this is not a normal thing for me these days. Usually, if I am supposed to talk or someone puts me on the spot I get really flustered. I start talking much faster than I realize. Words come out before I even finish thinking. I basically embarrass myself. Or at least I feel like I have, even if I haven't.

Social Anxiety and a few bad social situations have almost completely obliterated my confidence when talking with someone. Even when I'm talking to someone I know I get really flustered sometimes. This has made meeting new people a really hard thing for me. (First impressions are not my strong suit). Add on to that things like feeling sick or distracted, and I'm basically a mess.

So tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, I was both feeling sick (allergies suck), distracted (I was waiting for texts from the guy I like), and I had to make conversation with new people. I got the whole, "You're so quiet! Why don't you say anything?" bit. I just basically didn't want to talk to anyone. It wasn't like I was mad or anything, I just don't always feel the need to talk. And I guess people just don't get that.

If you ask my closest friends they will tell you that I can be fucking chatter box when I want to be. I will talk your ear off if I actually have something to say. But if I don't feel comfortable around you or I don't know you well or I just don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, I probably won't say much. It really is a scenario of "it's not you, it's me." Chalk it up to being too much of a listener, or always being talked over when trying to talk to my Dad.

But the real reason I started talking about Social Anxiety isn't from the having to make conversation at dinner... that wasn't as terrible as I make it sound. It was actually from the reason I was distracted, texting the guy I like. I saw this post on Tumblr and it made me think (or overthink).

On and off all day I've been texting the guy I like. (BTW, I'm not using his name because I'm actually afraid to jinx anything. How silly is that? haha). He text me to say Happy Thanksgiving, and I tried asking him stuff about how he spends Thanksgiving to kind of keep the conversation going. Friends have told me that I should do things like that to get to know him better. Which makes complete sense and is something I would tell them to do if they were asking me what to say. To give a little more context, when I first starting talking to him a few months ago, I complained to my friends that I felt like conversations kind of went nowhere, and they said it was probably because I need to do more to keep them going and basically not let him do all the heavy lifting in the convo (hopefully that made some sense haha). The friend who has been trying to set us up also said he's a little too much like me and he's probably over analyzing things too... which is what I'm doing, according to her. And she has a point, I over analyze A LOT.

And, lucky reader, this is where that over analyzing happens!

To kind of prove that I'm not completely insane, I would like to point out that: 1) I realize that I have only spent a limited about of time talking to this guy and I'm not even sure what he thinks about me (other than telling me how much fun he had the other night and that he'd like to do it again). 2) It is a national holiday where you should be spending time with family, not texting people. 3) I have a well documented history of becoming too attached too quickly. I realize this and I'm already making an effort to not be that girl anymore.

Now that I've said that, here's the stuff that will make me sound crazy.

While telling my friend about the kind of double date, I said something along the lines of, "ugh! I hate that I'm actually starting to really like this guy." Her response was something like, "Why?! Be happy and excited about it!" I know that I should just be happy and go with it. Even though everything about this situation is unknown, it really is exciting. But, I've said this TOO MANY TIMES in this blog, I haven't had a real boyfriend for almost 5 years. That's a really long time. I haven't been dating for about as long as I was dating (did that make sense?). And even the relationships I had weren't the best confidence builders.

And it's partly because of those other crappy relationships that I'm scared that I'm really liking this guy. You know how long it's been since I've wanted to hold hands or kiss someone other than my ex-with-benefits? I have been on a few blah dates in the last few years. I tried a dating website that did not really work for me. But I've been kind of obsessed with asshat because he's the only boy to give me any sort of attention in the last few years. Well, attention that wasn't unwanted. And it was familiar and comfortable. So my brain is having a hard time picturing doing anything with anyone else. And this new guy is so sweet and cute, that I really want to hold his hand, or cuddle, or kiss him. And that scares the crap out of me. It's new and foreign.

I feel not good enough, and worried that I will do something wrong. I'm most afraid of coming off clingy. I don't want to scare him away by coming on too strong too soon. Like texting him today. I was super scared that I would drive him off by trying to text him. I shouldn't feel so insecure about it since he text me first and he even made sure to reiterate how he thought Monday night was great. But I didn't really get too many responses from him. And that started making me even more paranoid. Did I say something wrong? Does he not want to talk to me?

I have been trying to keep myself from texting him since Monday night. Silly, right? Well, I was afraid that if I text him too soon it would be unwanted. I've even subconsciously not text my friends about these anxieties because I'm pretty sure they would tell me to stop over thinking and just text him if I want to talk to him. I feel like that comic I saw on Tumblr. I'm so afraid of not realizing I'm too clingy until it's too late, that I'm starting to push away instead.

And basically this whole post has been a way for me to convince myself of overcoming stupid things like not texting him because I'm afraid of scaring him away. I want a guy I can text everyday... or you know, actually see everyday. I know I shouldn't come on too strong, but I can still show interest.... I've had a pretty easy time of being myself around him so far, so why not keep being myself? Like I said earlier, I'm a generally quiet person. But I feel like there's a chance that with him I could be more open and loud.... and on that note (that totally sounded dirty in my head), I will call it a night.