Romantic Comedies

When I have too much time on my hands, I tend to over think.

A lot.

So naturally, during this week of nothing, I have had TONS of free time to think. Well, and beat Assassin's Creed IV (which was really good, by the way).

And when I talk about over thinking, it's usually about relationship stuff.

These are the things that I can't get out of my head:

- He hasn't actually said he's single or even looking for a girlfriend, am I wasting my time? I've just been taking what my friend has told me about his relationship status at face value.

- If he wanted to go out with me, wouldn't he have asked me out already? I think he was about to ask me out the other day, but I ended up asking him instead...

- Is this guy even into me? I've been trying my best to flirt and be cute, but he hasn't said anything...

My friend has told me I'm being ridiculous and that if I really want to know how he feels about me, I should just ask him. Can I actually do that? Is that a real thing? Silly questions, I know. But I've never done anything like that before. The other night I tried to ask him out on an actual one-on-one date, and I chickened out last second because he said he had a laundry list of things to do, so I assumed that meant no time to go out.

Basically every other guy I've dated has made the first real move. Granted, I can't really use those as evidence of "successful" relationships, but still. This is uncharted territory for me. I've made some first big moves in a lot of the past relationships, but I think the initial asking out has been done by the guy.

With this new guy, I seem to be doing more stuff, kind of taking charge, and it's starting to make me think that maybe he's not really interested. Half of my brain is saying, "Just because you're taking charge doesn't mean he's not interested. Maybe he's just taking it slow, or he's shy like you." The other half, however, is frantically saying, "OMG! He hasn't asked you out yet and you've been talking for how long? He is SO not into you. Just let it go. Why even bother trying, it'll just end in heartbreak anyway."

As you can see, being single and having a very unhealthy relationship with an ex has taken a toll on my optimism about relationships. I feel like the girl in a romantic comedy, but I don't mean that in a good way. I have a love/hate relationship with romantic comedies: I love to hate them, and on rare occasions I actually like them a little. Anyway, in a romantic comedy, the girl is usually someone with commitment issues. They've had one too many relationships go bad, so they figure it's better not to try at all. I'm kind of that mind set right now.

Only, I still really want my happily ever after. Another romantic comedy trope that I fall into is the girl who just wants to get married. Now, I'm not saying I want a ring on my finger right this second. But I do want that sooner vs. later. I'm 4 years away from 30... that's way scarier than it should be. It's kind of like the alarm on my biological clock is going off, but not to have a baby (definitely not something I want anytime soon). I'm at that point in my life where I have more friends getting married or getting into really long, serious relationships. When you consistently go out with people and you are the one single person, it kind of sucks. I don't want to tell my friends, "Don't bring your boyfriend/husband and get all cutesy with them because it makes me feel like I've failed at life." That's selfish of me, and very immature to be honest. But at the same time, there's only so many times you can be the 3rd or 5th wheel, or go to a wedding without a plus 1 before you feel like you've failed at some basic human right of passage. (In case you're curious, I've been to 5 weddings by myself in the last 2 years. One was my sister's wedding, and another was the friend who has been trying to set me up, and that wedding was also on my birthday... I was a bridesmaid in both of those, just a guest at the others... and I've got at least 2 more weddings I'll be attending in the Spring).

I want to be okay with being single. I have days where I really think it would be hard to be in a relationship right now; I've got too much going on and I would have to stop doing so many things. But then I have days where I'm just sad and there's not really a reason for it. Days where I just want to curl up next to someone and watch Netflix. Or go for a walk on the beach. But I can't, because I don't have someone to do those things with.

This time of year is especially hard. I know I should be thankful for my family and friends. I am not alone by any means, but it sure as hell feels like it. I really do appreciate my friends because if I wasn't typing this blog, I'd probably be pouring all of my fears and insecurity out on them through text messages. They really do keep me sane, and I can never do enough to repay them. But at the end of the day, they have their significant other to be with, and I go home alone.

I do have single friends, and we commiserate a little. Misery does love company. But I usually talk to the ones in relationships. I ask them questions and for help. What am I doing wrong? What did you do that worked? The only real advice I've been given from friends, and from those damned romantic comedies, is that love will come when I least expect it. What the hell! That's not helping. That's not even actual advice. I've already given up hope, THIS is the time when I'm expecting it the least. Now, when I'm 26 and haven't had a functioning relationship since I was 21. Now, when I've finally got time to spend with someone, when I don't need to worry about school... Now, when I'm really starting to feel like I'm about to spiral down. Life is kind of shit right now, can't I get just this one thing? Can't I have a little hope that I won't be unemployed, living with my struggling parents forever?

But, I'm getting a little off topic.

I started watching The Wedding Planner the other day with my mom. I'm going to assume that whoever reads this has seen that movie by now, if not, there this thing called Google. Anyway, by the end of the movie, that girl had resigned herself to marrying a boy she had no romantic feelings for just so that she could have someone. She was about to give up hope on love. And then, of course, the boy in the movie does this big romantic gesture and they live happily ever after. That is not how it works in real life! It isn't. Why does Hollywood make movies that work out that way? I like romantic comedies like The Break Up. That was at least somewhat realistic. They didn't end up happily ever after together. Boys don't just bend over backwards to show their affection when you've only just met. I can see that happening if someone has been friends a while or has at least spent more time actually talking to the person.

Then again, maybe I just haven't met the boy who will do some big romantic gesture to show me how he feels. I just know that I'm really tired of over thinking. I'm starting to think my friend's advice to just ask him how he feels about me is a good idea... I'm just scared. You'd think a person would get used to rejection after a while. Nope. While 90% of me thinks this guy is really into me, and I know that 100% of me is into him... that little 10% is yelling louder than the rest, filling my mind with all of these insecurities and doubts.

Now that I've droned on long enough, I'm going to go watch The Walking Dead and try to text this boy some more. He works nights, and it's usually a few hours in between responses, but I still like talking to him. Latest update: he was asking my if I have a lot of Winter Guard stuff on Saturdays (one of the few days off he has a week). Will I tell him I like him, or ask if he likes me? Will he ask me out? Who knows.