Happy holidays! The holidays are supposed to be about family coming together and the love felt from that. Now, I am not really a big fan of the holidays. It's kind of hard to pick one particular reason, but family is part of it. I should start by saying that I love my family and I feel so lucky to have them. That being said, family can really be a pain during the holidays. I apologize in advance for the bitchfest that may ensue.
My sister and I used to be great friends. We were really close in school since we're only a year apart, but once we finished high school something changed. I'm not exactly sure when this happened. I like to say it was when she went to college, had a bad roommate, and became really OCD about things. We had always shared a room. Our house wasn't that big, so it made sense to have the 2 girls share a room and my brother get his own room. So, from the time my sister was born until I was 24, we shared a room. She never really seemed super sensitive to things when we were growing up. I'd be on the computer late, we had our phone line and I'd get calls from boys late at night (pre-cell phones), I'd stay up late playing games or watching TV... she'd sleep through it all (I've always been more of the night owl). After having a bad time with her first college roommate, she became super particular about things and really nitpicky. She was like that before too, but it just got WAY worse. We've always fought like siblings do, but things got really bad.
I don't want to make it sound like my sister and I are on the worst of terms, because we're really not. But we really are not as close as we used to be. In high school, even if we weren't sisters, we would've been friends. Since high school, there's very little that we can relate to each other. She's really health conscious and into cooking. I like crafts (crocheting & sewing), video games and baking. She has her husband and her dog, but she's not super close to any of her friends anymore. I have my close group of friends, and the kind of sort of boy I'm talking to at the moment. We're both at really different points in our lives now and that's put a big rift on our relationship. It makes this time of year really hard.
My sister and her husband moved to New Jersey shortly after they got married (probably 6 months after). When they moved out there, I remember it was really tough on my sister because she got really homesick for home and our mom. One of the things my sister and I have in common is how shy we can be and how homesick we get (me a little more so than her, but yeah). They've driven out here for the holidays the last few years with their dog. Now, to make this already long story shorter, the one time I went to visit them in New Jersey was not the most pleasant experience, and they're dog does not seem to like me very much (and I am actually pretty scared of it). Keeping that in mind, there is some tension there just from that experience. There's also the long history of silly fights when we were both living under the same roof after we had finished college (kids, money issues suck, let me tell you). When her and her husband were still dating and we shared a room, it was incredibly annoying having to wait to be in my own room until he left for the night (because they didn't care if I was in there, they'd be all over each other, and that's just awkward).
My sister has been here about 2 weeks. Not that long when I only see her about 3 weeks out of the year now... I've already had to take a vacation from her, and I wish I could take another one. We get on each other's nerves so much. I know that I do TONS of things that bug her. She thinks I'm always mad or yelling at her (which isn't the case, despite what I've typed thus far). I'm not as tidy or quiet as her. So, I know that as much as I complain, she has a million things she'd probably say about me. It's just so hard to not have these kinds of fights. Earlier today, we got in a silly fight because I was mad at something else entirely, and even though I made sure to repeat a few times I wasn't mad at her, she still acted like I was mad at her and she was the victim. Before that our dog ran away, we both went running up the street to catch her. I didn't care how the dog got out, I just wanted the dog to be ok. Before we had even reached the dog she looks at me crying, accusing me of being mad at her for the dog getting out (at the time I didn't even know she had accidentally let the dog out). We can both be drama queens about each other, and bless our mom for putting up with all the venting we do about each other to her.
My little brother, on the other hand, is like my savior. My brother and I have the opposite kind of relationship that my sister and I have. When we were little, I remember being more annoyed by my brother than anything. There is 5 and a half years between us. Apparently when he was little, I helped him with his homework (because I had more patience than my sister). I remember being the "translator" for him because he did have some speech problems when he was little (I was "Som" instead of "Sam" for many years. Our sister was "Ea" instead of "Olivia"). But I don't think it was until he started high school that we really became close. I was coaching the color guard while he was in the band, so we saw each other all the time at rehearsals, I hung out with him on trips to Disneyland and the Fair... we had a lot more in common. I always say it's because I'm just a little immature (even though people are always telling me I'm so mature... this always makes me laugh on the inside). Even now, as my baby brother is in his 3rd year of college, he's still one of my closet, best friends. Granted, we don't talk about boyfriends/girlfriends (I think he'd be too scared to tell me if he was dating anyone hah), we still talk a lot and he turns to me for advice a lot.
My parents are amazing people. I love them so much, even if they are still really overprotective of their 26 year old daughter. I'm the first born, so I will forever be the guinea pig child that they worry too much about. Now, the last few years have been really tough since my dad's business (he's self employed) isn't doing the greatest. I've helped them out a lot financially, and I know that I could probably afford to live on my own right now if I didn't help them out. But I couldn't do that (despite how desperately I just want to be completely independent). The struggle is hard and real... and it really sucks around the holidays. I really don't care that I don't get some big fancy present at Christmas. My parents have gotten me some pretty amazing things when I was little (Gameboy with Pokemon Yellow and an American Girl doll definitely stick out in my mind). But that's really not what it's about. You can say it's about the birth of Jesus, you can say it's a commercial holiday created by card/toy companies... whatever. It's really about appreciating the people around you that you care about. But sometimes that thought of having to buy nice things for people doesn't go away. I can see the pain in my parents eyes when there aren't stacks of presents to open Christmas morning. I told my mom that all I really want this year is a tea kettle and maybe more sweaters (because I have a problem... a sweater addiction...). Nothing fancy! But my parents still want to give us everything and it breaks their hearts that they can't. They know how badly I just want to get a real teaching job and a place of my own, and they hate the fact that over the last few years I've loaned them over $6,000 when I can barely afford to pay my own bills...
So that makes the holidays suck. I don't want them to feel bad. I don't want to hate being around my sister...
Then there's the whole "relationship" thing. Did you think I'd actually write a blog where I DIDN'T talk about boys? For the last 5 years I've joked that I've become a grinch. You know how they say you notice all the people in love around you when you're not in love? Well, that's how I feel all the time, but it gets SO much worse around the holidays. Seeing people at parties with their significant other, seeing all the engagement posts that flood FB this time of year... I just feel completely, and utterly alone. This year is somewhat different. Actually, the last 2 years have been a little different. Last year I had me unofficially on again, off again ex around. This year I have a boy that I really like and I think likes me too. It's weird being me sometimes. I feel like nothing is ever clear, or I just don't see it that way... I'm overthinking again... Anyway, I'm one of those girls that care get INCREDIBLY bitter around the holidays because I have no one to share them with. That has really made me hate the holidays. Throw into that when my ex died shortly before Thanksgiving a few years back... that was incredibly hard. Ugh, I may make myself cry thinking about it.
But yeah, these are a few of the reasons I don't really care for the holidays. I actually didn't do a great job of saying anything in this post. There is so much detail I'm leaving out, because I'm not the best writer and this is a blog not a novel. I do appreciate the friends I have because they really make it better. They're the family you pick. Like this weekend, I went to Yuma with my friend (who's been trying to set me up with this guy) to visit our other friend who lives out there. It was a great trip. We talked so much in the car. We stayed up late playing games and talking, we went on random adventures... it was a great trip that I really didn't want to end. And at the same time, there is now the potential of a another trip this weekend... this time to the mountains... and this time including the boy I like... this could be fun... I'm hoping it happens... and I'm also hoping for the holiday to go by quicker to get to the weekend... Well, enough complaining for tonight. Merry holidays!
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