So I figured I'd do the super typical "Let's talk about all the things that happened this year" topic that 99% of bloggers/vloggers/people in general do at the end of the year.
I don't know how much detail I want to get into, I actually do have a rather busy New Years Eve planned. Long story short, it's the first time the guy I like is coming over, so I plan on cleaning the house thoroughly today.
Alright. I guess we'll do the bad and the good. Bad first because I want to get the depressing stuff out of the way off the bat so I can move past it faster. The biggest, saddest thing that I can think of off the top of my head is getting rejected from my dream job. I interviewed for a teaching position at the school where I have been a substitute teacher and coach for years... and they gave the job to another sub. It was heartbreaking. You don't even want to know how much I cried that day. I barely kept it together while still on the phone with the Principal. The worst part? I still work there! I'm still do 99.9% of my substitute teaching there... I'm still a coach there... I still have to be on campus 5 days a week... I just don't get to be a real teacher. It was so hard to go there for rehearsal with my guard kids the SAME DAY that I found out I didn't get the job. Luckily one of my best friends was able to come too so that if I just broke down and sobbed during rehearsal, I had back up (this was before my assistant coach was on the scene). The first time I had to sub for the year was actually for a possible long term job, that ended up only being a week long. It was super tough to see the people I interviewed with for the first time after... knowing that they don't think I'm good enough... yet. I add the yet because one of the good things that also happened this year was that I've gotten better at the things that kept me from getting the job. They were worried about my classroom management skills. So the band director I work with has been pushing me and making me be outside my comfort zone a bit so to work on building those skills. My guard kids have been my guinea pigs all Fall.
Ok, let's see... I had my heartbroken by one of my best friends. Now, if you've read any of my past blogs you know that I refer to a certain ex as Asshat. This year actually started off really well with Asshat. He invited me to Palm Springs for New Years, we had a fantastic night. And while on that mini trip, he told me how much he loved me and how he'd been considering the possibility of us getting back together. A little background, we dated in high school for about a year and a half, he dumped me but we never lost touch. We've been in each other's lives a decade! And we have this really bad habit of getting into a cycle of acting like we're in a relationship but without there being anything there... which is just a polite way of saying we spend all our free time together and have sex, but no title of boyfriend/girlfriend. So, shortly after this New Years trip, I begin to get my hopes up that maybe things will change, that we'll actually be together. If you watch How I Met Your Mother, this is definitely an "Oh honey..." situation. He soon got in a relationship with a girl from Palm Springs. The irony is terrible (I may be misusing irony, whatever). We started talking so much less, even though he tried to make it clear he still wanted me in his life. But when you think about it, that's actually really selfish. Did he consider if I wanted him in my life? He has broken my heart more times than I can count, and I'm hoping that in 2014 I will remember that. Anyway, we had a lot of ups and downs this year, and it's ending on a bit of down, but more on that later.
Um, I almost lost one of my other best friends this year. Long story short, we went on a trip together that actually put a little bit of a strain on the friendship. We've since made up and things are better, but I still don't feel like we're quite back to how things were before. But the way I look at it, we're both doing very different things right now, and we have our own lives, and we're still there for each other. Like all relationships, friendships ebb and flow; we're just coming out of an ebb. She's still one of my best friends and always will be.
I'm trying to think of anything else "bad" that happened this year... I can't really think of anything in particular. I guess this means it wasn't a terrible year haha.
GOOD THINGS!!!!
Ok, obviously this has to be number 1.... I GOT MY MASTERS! Yes, I finished the majority of my Master's project this year and graduated in June. I have the project leather bound on my bookshelf right now. I'm so relieved to be done with school for good... well, maybe haha. It was such a tough experience. I felt that I really did not try as hard as I could have when I was an undergrad. I almost felt like I didn't deserve to graduate (My ending GPA was a 3.08, which is good, but to me was as bad as failing...). With my Master's (and my credential for that matter) I really tried my best. Not that I don't use History all the time, but I knew that all of my Education classes were only going to help me be a better, more effective teacher. So I actually did all of the reading (well, 90% of it... I'm also all about the percentages today, apparently). I had so many sleepless nights. So much coffee. So much yelling at my computer every time my advisor would send me comments about how I'd have to change everything I just turned in. It was so much work, and while the pay off isn't quite there yet, when I get my first real job and my paycheck jumps because of that extra diploma... :). So yeah, it was good times.
Work! The girl I had been working with for about 7 years decided to leave. Now, it's no secret that we did not get along well. Toward the end of the time we worked together, she would barely say more than 2 words to me. I felt like my job was to babysit when she wasn't there, or to just clap. It wasn't like we hated each other, we're just really different personalities that were not a good combination. She was very out there and bossy... I'm pretty subservient. I know that there is so much more I could've done to make the situation better, but she could have done more too. It was kind of like a rut that neither of us seemed to make too much of an effort to remedy. So when she left, it was a bit scary because I became the head coach and, even though I had been coaching for years, I had very little clue what I needed to do behind the scenes because she never asked or let me help with that stuff. It is still a learning experience. But the girl I work with now has been so much fun to work with! Our personalities are so much more alike, we get a long, we work together to solve problems and get things done. It's been a great few months and I'm so excited to see what we can do with Winter Guard this year (as in school year).
This has been a year of taking chances. I almost said this was a year of growth, but that's every year (whether you realize it or not). I'm a very timid, shy, nervous person. I think that this year I've been a little bit better about stepping outside my comfort zone. I had some bad stuff happen in the past that kind of caused me to take a few steps back in that department, but this year I think I made huge steps forward. I think relationships have been one of those places of major growth. I mean, tonight I'm going out (well, staying at my house, but whatever) with a boy that I asked out. I took a chance letting myself fall for someone who wasn't Asshat. And I'm not sure where it will end up, but it's exciting and I'm so happy that I'm ending this year with someone like him in my life. Ugh, I'm making myself a little sick talking like this haha. I've been trying really hard not to let myself put up any barriers, and just be myself when I'm around him. Even my friend has commented that I act very comfortable with him. And in a way I am, and at the same time I could not be more afraid of this situation because letting yourself give into these kinds of feelings is scary as fuck. haha. I've typed this a million times throughout my blogs; I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 21... the last boy I dated died... I haven't really let myself open up to the idea of seriously dating someone else in a long fucking time (which sounds weird because I complain about not having a boyfriend so much... but the idea actually scared the crap out of me). There were some other bad things in there too that make me very cautious of trusting boys. So the fact that I put myself out there this year is a big deal. (I started this last year though, to be fair, but it's kind of paying off this year). Now, I said before that this is a down moment for me and Asshat; this is why. Because I now have this new person in my life, I really don't want Asshat in my life. I actually had a very telling experience on Christmas. In the past, Asshat has invited himself over and even if I didn't particularly want him over, I'd say yes and he'd come over and kind of out stay his welcome. This Christmas he tried to do this. I answered the phone and said, "I guess" when he asked to come over. But I thought it over and he was not the boy I wanted to see on Christmas. So I text him back that it wasn't a good time, and I haven't heard from him since. I'm spending New Years Eve with the boy I want to spend time with, not Asshat. And it feels good to be taking charge a bit.
So peace out 2013. It's been a thing... yep... Bye!
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