Wow... It's November. Wow...
It's already WAY too late and I have a department meeting in the morning, so I really don't want to be up all night, but I feel like I need to get some things off my mind.
Yesterday was Halloween, and the night before I went out with my friends. Now, I love my friends with all my heart, but over the last few months I feel more and more disconnected with them. I felt like this was my half-assed attempted at not being a complete loner, yet I still ALWAYS feel like a social outcast, even among my closest friends. I hardly ever talk to anyone who isn't a student/teacher, so when I do talk to or even see some drum corps friends, its a rare and exciting occasion.
And being me, I of course have to ruin it.
I think that I should've stuck to my "no drinking" policy that I had, but alas I didn't. I got way too moody, which I have found is a side effect of alcohol in me. I started moping, and that's ALWAYS the first sign. Then I got really hyper, then UBER depressed. I still think that when they told me I had depression a few years ago they got it wrong; I swear I can be SO bipolar, especially after a few drinks. I mean, I was with people I love, having fun! Why the hell did I run off to a bathroom to go cry?! Maybe it was telling my story of August 08, or maybe it was a little too much thinking about Zach, or the fact I was surrounded by 2 ex boyfriends (one I'm still a little hung up on and another I wish I could be better friends with) and being around cute couples. Probably all of the above. But all I know was that I felt I was attracting too much unnecessary attention on myself. Yet I did nothing to stop it. It's times like this I feel like "Traci". That girl NO ONE really wants there, but just shows up anyway. I know that some people really want me there, but I think most of the time I'm just a 3rd, 5th, etc. wheel to the group, just tagging along. I have said time and time again that I need more/new friends, but I always have an excuse. I'm too busy, I spend 99% of my time with high school students... blah blah blah. All just excuses. I could be more social if I really tried, but I just don't. I lack self confidence. I have the mindset "if I can barely keep the friends I have, how am I supposed to make more?" And honestly, I don't know how to function socially outside of drum corps. How does one make friends outside of the color guard world? Drum corps was the best and worst experience of my life in that way. I have some of the best friends ever thanks to it, but I really don't know how to make more friends outside of it. Add on some crippling shyness, and Violà! You have me in nutshell!
So yeah, that happened.
I'm just still whiny about it. I felt like such a debbie downer. When the boys send Annie in to see if I'm ok, I know that I've been too much of a drama queen. I almost feel like I should've stayed home. Too late now. I try too hard or not hard enough. I fail at social skills majorly.
It's kind of like this blog. I'm not going to lie, this is a bullshit, half-assed attempt at attention. Does anyone read this? Doubtful. Oh well...
Teaching is weird. Some times I'm like, ON! I had a kid tell me the other day she'll miss me when I leave and she gave me a hug... I think she was trying to suck up, but it worked haha. Then there's days like today, where if I don't do things EXACTLY like the regular teacher, I don't hear the end of it. I sometimes wish I could just yell, but I can't, obviously. This is my version of anger management, since I have one of the worst tempers I know haha. I have already learned SO much patience, but I still have so much more I need. I sometimes forget that History is second nature to me now, and that this shit doesn't come as easy to everyone. I have learned the hard way to make sure I REALLY think before I speak. I have offended several kids already with comments that were meant constructively or with the best intentions, but fell VERY short of their mark.
It's been an experience, that's for sure.
Ok, it's late, and I feel more and more like a loser as I type.
<3
