I'm noticing a trend where I only write when I'm feeling somewhat anxious or down. I'm partly just down right now because it's the end of Monday, the last one I will get to spend with Jon for a while. I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm not feeling great about. Really, nothing is new. If anything, other than job/money stuff, I have no room to complain. Things are great.

But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.

Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.

But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.

The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.

And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?

This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.