It has been forever since I've written anything & while I would love to write a nice long update, it's late & I don't really have the time or patience for that right now.

Basically I don't know what to do. I love Noah still, whether I'll always openly admit it or not. I don't want to be. I wish with every fiber of my being that I wasn't. I would love nothing more than to just be like, "he's turned into someone completely different, he doesn't even call, he doesn't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' unless prompted or drunk/high, he criticizes me for being upset with his drug use, he doesn't have time for me [not that I have time for him], he expects me to fit to his schedule, he won't say 'I love you' to me if there are others around but gets upset if he knows I do the same. He frequently asks for dirty pictures because 'he misses me' & 'isn't getting any'... he's not worth the ground I walk on. & to top it off he's on the other side of the country & this is the last time he will come home for a year [at least]." I don't want to be some after thought. I don't want to be the girl he just calls because he's crossfaded & driving. I don't want to always be calling him or waiting for his call. I don't want to be that girl. I hate that girl.

So why is it so hard? Typing it out was easy. I could have gone on & on about why I shouldn't love him. But that has no effect on the fact that despite it all I still care about him very, very much. He's still the boy I will always be hung up on. He's still my "first love." The one I call crying when something is wrong, who will [usually] listen & tell me everything will be okay. He's still the one who almost hopped a plane back to California when he found out what happened to me last August, who drove 3 hours to watch me perform this past July. He's still the one who can simply make me smile by seeing his name on caller ID, who I still get butterflies from when they hold my hand. He's still the only one I let call me Sammy [Not Sammy Sue, there's a big difference with me]. But he's also the one who lets me down the most, who I stay on FB for, hoping that I'll catch him & get to at least say "hi." He's still the one I know has so much talent, yet openly admits to being high every time her performs. Who is right now on FB, & even tho I need to be up very soon I'm still hoping for the off chance he'll IM me because I miss him so much, God knows why, but I'm too proud to IM him myself.

Maybe it's just the time of year. Fall is my favorite season but I hate being "alone" during the Fall. It was Oct. 2nd 2004 that Noah & I started dating, Nov. 19, 2001 I got my first boyfriend, Sept. 17, 2003 I started dating Billy... if you can't see the trend, it's like my season of "mourning." Part of the reason I think I was so drawn to History as a major was because I dwell on things. I know I shouldn't & I do my best not to, but I still do it, like other things lol. So, because I dwell so much on the past, I think that subconsciously I always feel sad during my favorite time of the year because I think of what started during the Fall & no longer exists. I have SO much to be happy about, & even the other night I went to sleep smiling simply because I am well on my way to my dream job. Next week I get to start spending time in an actual classroom. By 2011 I should have my prelim credential & able to get a job as a real, full-fledged teacher! This is so exciting. I have a ton to keep my buy between Anchor projects, observation hours, tons of reading, still teaching guard... I realistically have no time for a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, & I'm fine. I didn't spontaneously combust or fall to pieces... then why do I miss him so much? Why do I want to hug him & not let go? I'd love a boyfriend, but it's him I want & I desperately want not to want him.

I think I should finally go to sleep. But I just had to get this out of my system before I screamed.

Bon Soir