That sounds a little all consuming, but let me explain.
So since we've been dating, I've been a generally much happier person. We've also been dating in the midst of winter guard, so I'm at a lot of rehearsals and shows haha. So you can see why I'm not typing so many over thought blogs. Also why I haven't really uploaded anything to my YouTube channel in ages. I hope to change that soon.
But anyway.
I've tried to sit here and write several times. I keep getting blocked. I have so much I want to say and none of it will organize in my head.
On the one hand, I'm extremely happy. I really love this guy. He makes me happy and makes me feel so loved. He does nice things for me, he says nice things. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl.
But I can't quite silence my anxieties. It's been years since I had a boyfriend, let alone a boy who actually appreciated me and wanted to do more than just get into my pants. While 90% of me swoons every time he says or does something amazing, that little 10% feels like I'm being naive. Like maybe it's all really too good to be true. I had a bad dream last night, I don't quite remember it, but it involved him breaking my heart in some way. Then of course everything I saw on tv and the internet the rest of the morning had to do with break ups and stuff. So that didn't fill me with too much reassurance after the bad dream.
Jon said he had a similar dream last week, that I broke up with him. I told him he had absolutely nothing to worry about when he told me about it. Even now, if I try to thinking about breaking up with him, I feel like that would be the absolute worst decision ever. He's really amazing. I can't imagine not being with him. And see, the fact I'm saying things like that after we've only been dating 2-3 months, scares me. I'm really attached. Is it too soon? I don't know. I'm so scared of messing this up, or that maybe because I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that maybe I'm just thinking things are better than they really are.
I've got a lot of weird anxiety right now haha.
He really does make me happy. I just think about him and I'm happy. He sends me texts telling me how much be misses me or how much he loves me all the time. For some perspective, we don't see each other except on weekends. He lives kind of far away (like a 45 min drive), and works full time... graveyard shift haha. My sleep schedule has become a series of naps; I'll sleep a little, wake up to text him when he gets off work at 3:30, then go back to sleep until I need to get up at 6:30. In a way, I feel like longing makes the heart go fonder, but then again, I light up every time he texts me, and look forward to the weekends like each one is Christmas.
I don't know. I'm just feeling anxious today. He has reassured me a few times already that I have nothing to worry about, he loves me and wouldn't hurt me. He sent me this the other day. "An amazing girl like you deserves the best, and I'll strive to be the best for you."
I'm anxious about losing the guy who says things like this, and I can tell he means it. I'm absolutely head over heels for him. This idea has been floating in my head for a little while now, but I dare say that he may be the one. I think this might be why I'm so anxious. It's so soon to say or think something like that. I've heard of crazier things before, but this is a little crazy even for me. I love him, and I've had my heart ripped out a million times before, but I've already given it to him entirely, and now I'm just anxiously watching to make sure that he doesn't destroy it.
But anyway.
I've tried to sit here and write several times. I keep getting blocked. I have so much I want to say and none of it will organize in my head.
On the one hand, I'm extremely happy. I really love this guy. He makes me happy and makes me feel so loved. He does nice things for me, he says nice things. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl.
But I can't quite silence my anxieties. It's been years since I had a boyfriend, let alone a boy who actually appreciated me and wanted to do more than just get into my pants. While 90% of me swoons every time he says or does something amazing, that little 10% feels like I'm being naive. Like maybe it's all really too good to be true. I had a bad dream last night, I don't quite remember it, but it involved him breaking my heart in some way. Then of course everything I saw on tv and the internet the rest of the morning had to do with break ups and stuff. So that didn't fill me with too much reassurance after the bad dream.
Jon said he had a similar dream last week, that I broke up with him. I told him he had absolutely nothing to worry about when he told me about it. Even now, if I try to thinking about breaking up with him, I feel like that would be the absolute worst decision ever. He's really amazing. I can't imagine not being with him. And see, the fact I'm saying things like that after we've only been dating 2-3 months, scares me. I'm really attached. Is it too soon? I don't know. I'm so scared of messing this up, or that maybe because I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that maybe I'm just thinking things are better than they really are.
I've got a lot of weird anxiety right now haha.
He really does make me happy. I just think about him and I'm happy. He sends me texts telling me how much be misses me or how much he loves me all the time. For some perspective, we don't see each other except on weekends. He lives kind of far away (like a 45 min drive), and works full time... graveyard shift haha. My sleep schedule has become a series of naps; I'll sleep a little, wake up to text him when he gets off work at 3:30, then go back to sleep until I need to get up at 6:30. In a way, I feel like longing makes the heart go fonder, but then again, I light up every time he texts me, and look forward to the weekends like each one is Christmas.
I don't know. I'm just feeling anxious today. He has reassured me a few times already that I have nothing to worry about, he loves me and wouldn't hurt me. He sent me this the other day. "An amazing girl like you deserves the best, and I'll strive to be the best for you."
I'm anxious about losing the guy who says things like this, and I can tell he means it. I'm absolutely head over heels for him. This idea has been floating in my head for a little while now, but I dare say that he may be the one. I think this might be why I'm so anxious. It's so soon to say or think something like that. I've heard of crazier things before, but this is a little crazy even for me. I love him, and I've had my heart ripped out a million times before, but I've already given it to him entirely, and now I'm just anxiously watching to make sure that he doesn't destroy it.
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