Too Frustrated For School

I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.

So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.

Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.

Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.

That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.

But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.

I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.

So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.

That's how I feel about Noah.

I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.

But I still miss him.

I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.