Another Stream of Consciousness

I'm bored and kind of irritated, so I'm going to just type some random things that come to mind. Sound good?

I’m really frustrated with Olivia right now. I love her, I do. But I really don’t want to hang out with her tomorrow. She wants to go to the mall to find a dress for her recital. And that’s cool, but it’s not really fun to go to the mall when it’s crowded, like it is now, and especially when you don’t have any money. Does it make me a bad sister that I don’t want to hang out with her? I felt the same way today and yesterday with Michael. He wanted to play Halo all Christmas, but I was into my own stuff. Then today I tried to play with him but I just complained the entire time because the game was giving me a headache and I didn’t quite get how to play. I feel like a bitch. But I know that if I do it out of guilt it’s just as bad because I’ll be mopey and complaining the entire time, ruining it for everyone else. I don’t know. I love my family but I just want to be away from them anymore. I don’t like being at home very much. My parents know that I’m miserable living at home. My dad says that shows that they did something right raising me, because I should want to move away, but it breaks my mom’s heart. I don’t know. I’m just really restless not having anything to do or really any place to go.

Annie was telling me this story earlier about why she doesn’t have many friends at LMU, and I could really relate to one part. She said that she could tell that these other people were more friends with her friend than her, because they’d always call her friend and stuff like that. I definitely feel that way anymore with PC people. I always hear about things through Annie, hardly ever do I get texts from people about stuff. Like the club thing the other night, until Annie said something, I knew nothing about it. I know that I could text people and stuff, but I guess I’m still REALLY shy in some respects. I want to break away from that so much, I really do, but it’s just scary, I guess. I don’t know if people really like me or not. Like, I feel like some people just put up with me being there. I don’t always feel wanted at PC things. I hate it, because those people really are my closest friends. It sucks.

I’ve had a headache for the last few days. I thought at first I was just SUPER hung over after the club, but it’s definitely migraine status since it’s been 3 days and it only goes a way for short periods of time. Since my Aunt died from a brain hemorrhage, or something like that relating to a migraine, it worries me. I know that my mom used to get migraines at my age from her birth control, but I wasn’t on birth control when I started getting mine. I think I’ve only been getting them for like, a year, if that. My mom was even hospitalized for a migraine. It really scares me that I’ll either have a hemorrhage or go to the hospital for a headache.

So I made a “January 2010” playlist, even though it’s still December 2009, consisting of some of my favorites and some new stuff that I downloaded from this awesome place… it’s 252 songs long… some I’ve never heard before lol. So I have it on shuffle right now. Heart of Love – John Mayer came on and I definitely started crying even though I went almost the entire day without crying. I more so teared up than cried, but still… ugh. So close.

Probably Tuesday, Annie and I are going to visit Kevin down in San Diego area for the day. Should be fun. I was trying to remember how to get to his house and I remembered once I got off the freeway, but couldn’t remember all the freeways to take there. So I got on goggle maps to check it out, then I did street view to get the approximate address. It was really weird that I could still remember which house was his, not like the address but just the look. It’s really weird to think that this time a few years ago I was just starting to talk to him. It’s really crazy. I just had all these flashbacks to going to his place and stuff and it was just interesting. Kinda weird that I’m going down there again, but it’s kind of to say good bye, since I’m not sure if I’ll see him again before he leaves for Orlando.

I love that some songs of the power to just make everything better. The song I’m listening to at the moment, Midnight Coward – Stars, it’s just one of those songs that I can’t help but be in a good mood when I listen to. I’m too emotional for no good reason right now. Every song I hear is influencing my emotions. I’m trying to listen to all the new ones I have but shuffle keeps going to old favs… like right now it just changed to Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez. Definitely in my top 10 favorites, if not top 3 [since The Funeral – Band of Horses is obviously number 1].

My head is definitely hurting big time. I keep seeing lines EVERYWHERE! What the hell?! I think I'm going "photosensitive" again. That's when light fucks me over. Ugh. I don't want to have to take my medicine. I've been avoiding it at all costs today. I did that yesterday too. I don't have that many left, but I know that if I have a headache, I should take it or something... ugh.

This new song I'm listening to is pretty good... Ugly On The Inside - Owen. Pretty good. Hallucinations - Angels and Airwaves isn't bad either, though I still prefer Blink-182.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I just needed to vent/bitch a bit… I’m better now… Maybe I should read or something since my head isn't taking to the computer too well right now...