I haven't really posted anything on here lately, and I really feel that I should have been instead of posting things on Facebook or Myspace... so I've decided to paste in some of the thing I've written. It's been pretty tough these last few weeks... and just when I think things are finally kind of okay again, something reminds me that it's not. Like last night at Championships. As I'm sitting there for like 4 hours with Courtney in Hospitality, with a lot of the staff from Los Altos, I kept waiting for him to come in. I could picture the entire scene in my head. He'd sit on the other side of Courtney, we'd make small talk, joke about "pre-auditions"... When Ducky would come hug me for a little too long, whispering some joke about him, he'd just shake his head... then when we got scores and see that Cal beat Los Altos [which is reality, btw], Courtney would probably rub it in his face a little, but he'd still gloat about the fact that they beat us in visual... It just didn't feel right for him not to be there. I didn't have my glasses on so I didn't notice it at first, but Courtney noticed right away that Los Altos still had their ribbons on their uniforms. It made me really happy. But, I digress, I should start by posting stuff. I'm obviously going to start with the first thing I wrote, a letter to Zachary. I think I will be writing another one really soon.
Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:11 AM
Dear Zachary
Current mood: numb
Dear Zach,
I don't even know where to begin. When I got the phone call this morning, I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. I just talked to you a few nights ago. You had asked me to help out with the Pacific Crest info booth, and while I said I would in a very nonchalant way, I was really super excited you asked and really looking forward to seeing you and spending time with you. You are [I refuse to use the past tense] one of the best people I have ever met. It was only in the last few months that we had started really acting like friends since we broke up, but it meant the world to me to have you back at least as a friend. To know that you're gone is beyond heartbreaking.
I have so many stories and things I want to say. Like tonight, at the Los Altos football game, I saw the field and the first thing I thought of was the rehearsal before Sneak Preview. Sabre line had to set up the sound system and I refused to plug it in because of a big spider in the thing covering the outlet, so I went to you and asked you to do it and you gave me so much crap for being scared of a bug. I thought about the day we left for tour this year. It was my birthday and you knew I was scared to death of flying and even though you never asked me directly, I over heard you asking other people if I was okay and to tell me to breathe. I keep thinking about about all the times we hung out after rehearsal this year. Like that night at Denny's after an APU rehearsal... I still have that bunny from the claw machine in my car. Annie has promised to take it out on the ageout field this summer. We always joked that it was going to replace you as front field, and since you can't be on that field to ageout, the bunny will be there for you. Or how at Royal Oak, you realized you didn't have my number anymore and when you entered me into your phone again you put me as "Pookie." I still don't know if you did that for real, I'm assuming you didn't, but it still made me laugh and blush a little bit. But one of the most meaningful things I keep replaying in my head, was that night at Pat's. It was like 6am and you were sitting across the room from me, but you text me to say you were sorry for how you acted and for any awkwardness that was between us. I was so surprised you sent that and I still am. I was so lucky to know you and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the fact you're gone.
I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. Like you're just sitting at home waiting to pop out and say "got you!" but I know that's not going to happen. I really haven't cried a lot today. I think it was about a half hour after Stuart called before I really cried. I was at Cal, trying to watch the video of their perform from Thursday, and I would just lose it and have to go outside and cry. After that, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I just couldn't. It wasn't until about 2 hours ago, when Brad called and told me the details of what happened that I cried again. I've been crying almost non-stop since.
I hope and pray that you're in a much better place right now. I miss you so much and I wish I was able to tell you how much you meant to me. I am now, but I wish I had the chance sooner. Earlier tonight Brad tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the last time I talked to you, I made you happy. You seemed so excited to have me help Saturday and that I was actually getting a bunch of people to come help out. At least, that's what Brad keeps pointing out to me. I don't know how much I agree. I made you happy in that you wouldn't be working the booth alone, but still Brad has been trying to get me to see the bright side.
There really is no bright side right now. There will not be one day that I don't think about you. I already thought about you and looked to see if I saw your car in the Mt. SAC parking lot every time I went to school... Now I'm going to look but know I'm not going to see it. You were there for me during the absolute worst time in my life and helped me to see things from a different perspective. Though I didn't take your advice about it, I still kind of wish I did and I'm so thankful you opened up to me and let me know that I was okay. I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but by being with you and you breaking up with me, you taught me how to be a stronger person. You always could explains things to me in a way I never thought about and some of those things are only beginning to make sense to me now. You are such an amazing person.
Seeing all the people that showed up tonight at the football game really made me feel warm inside. So many people got angry at the announcer for mispronouncing your last name and we all had things to say about you. You really are loved by so many people. Everyone has pointed out that for 99% of the people you touched that are still marching, they'll be marching 2010 for you. I think it'll go way beyond that. Because of how you influenced all of us, your memory will live on in people you never even knew. People aren't going to march just 2010 for you, there will be a piece of you marching every year for years and years to come. Your time with us was cut way too short, but you made great use of that time. I feel like anything I say right now has already been said or is a cliche. All I can do is speak from the heart right now and all my heart is screaming is why. Why did you have to go so soon? Why didn't we get to see you reach your full potential? It was clear you still had a lot to offer this world, it seems so unfair that we'll never get to experience it all.
I'm so angry and saddened at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost right now. I miss you, Zach. I miss you so much more than I ever thought I would miss you. I miss your stupid comments, how you would push me for no reason, your stupid faces.... I miss you. This is one of the hardest days of my life and as much as I'm struggling right now, I keep thinking that I should be making the most of my life because at least I'm still here... I really miss you. I love you and care so much about you, I hope that wherever you are now, you know that.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, Zach. I just wish you were part of it for much longer than you were. You will be greatly missed and I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, especially the next week. I love you.
<3 Samantha
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:53 PM
Racing
I know I should be writing my Anchor Assignment paper, but I just have too much on my mind right now & I need to get these things out before I scream.
Why do I not know how to deal with this? I'm not saying I, or anyone for that matter, should be an expert at dealing with grief, but why am I taking this so hard? Zach & I dated for about a month over a year ago. We we friends before that & we were starting to kinda be friends again, but I don't feel like I knew him as well as other people assume I did. I mean, there are plenty of things I talked to Zach about that not everyone knew, but not recently. There were things he told me that he said he didn't tell everyone, but who knows if he was telling me the truth. I know that probably sounds cynical or bitchy, but please just let me be the way I want to be right now.
I keep talking to him, and while sometimes I can hear his side of the conversation, I can't all the time. I wish I could hear his voice. I feel like I'm forgetting so much. Like what he sounds like, the stupid things he'd say... I tried for over an hour to get my old laptop to turn on so I could see if my old AIM chat logs were on there, just so I could read through my old conversations with him and try to remember him better... but the computer never turned on. I feel like it's pretty metaphorical... just like I'll never get to talk to him for real ever again, I'll never get to read those stupid conversations.
Noah called me an attention whore the other day. I was completely devastated when he said that. He said that I was using Zach to get attention. Really?! I'm sorry you're a jerk who doesn't know how many people cared about Zach [because I was certainly not the only one posting things about him online] and think that I'd really have something to gain from any of this. If I'm trying to get anything, it's just comfort. I keep second guessing myself though, like maybe he's right. I keep asking Zach what he thinks but each time I get a different response from him. I see people who I think were much closer to him than I was & they seem okay. Upset, obviously, but okay. I'm such a fucking roller coaster right now. I'm up, I'm down... right now I'm spiraling down.
I haven't cried at all today. Not once. I keep thinking about him and little things and... I just can't cry. My eyes feel so swollen and dry and heavy. I haven't slept much lately & when I do sleep it's the kind of sleep where you wake up feeling like all you did was close your eyes. I have so much school work to do, and it's important stuff. But it doesn't matter. I can't keep my attention to anything but him for more than a few moments. I swear I had to read my prompt for my paper at least 20 times before I wrote a single thing.
& the other reason I feel so selfish, I keep depending on so many other people. I can't deal with things alone. I have had SO many people tell me that before. I really didn't agree until now. Even Zach told me that. When we broke up he said a big part of it was because I couldn't get over things quickly and he didn't know how to deal with that because he did. & even now I can hear him say that I'm dwelling on stuff I shouldn't be. & I know I am.... but it's just so hard. I keep trying to talk to people & I don't know how many have said that they're here if I just need a shoulder or something, and every time I talk to them I just feel like I'm being selfish. Everyone is grieving right now and I need to learn how to do it alone... as horrible as this sounds, there are only a handful of people that I really want to talk to right now, and every time I talk to them, even after they ask me if I'm ok, I feel like I'm intruding, like I'm not letting them grieve because I need help to do it.
Sooo that thing about not crying, scratch that... I just read something on RBG's facebook that Zach's dad wrote & I started tearing up.
Ugh, I'm out of steam... Still so any many emotions, but no energy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:48 AM
Thanksgiving
Current mood: thoughtful
I feel like I should write something about what I'm thankful for, seeing as we're almost to the holiday for giving thanks, but I really don't think I could. I have a million things to do today, including writing at least one of my many papers, but I can't really do that right now. I have been having a very hard time focusing for the last week and a half, which is understandable, I guess. It still doesn't seem real, I still have moments where I'll randomly start to cry because something reminds me of him or what happened. I still don't want to accept it. Thanksgiving will mark one week from the Memorial... That was one of the hardest days of my life and even after that day I don't want to believe any of this. As much as Zach and I weren't extremely close anymore, I still cared so much about him and we were still close in some ways. I keep beating myself up for taking so long to stop being awkward around him and moving past that to being friends. I wish we could have been friends longer... And tomorrow is Thanksgiving... I keep thinking about how much it will hurt his family to not have him there. I never got to meet any of his family, and I still wish I did, but I'm sure that their holidays will never be the same without him. None of us will ever be the same without him. I'm actually dreading tomorrow for that reason. I know that I will have my family all around me, but how can I be happy when I know that his won't have him? I know I should be thankful for the things I have and for having the chance to have had Zach in my life, but I don't know, I guess I'm not really looking on the upside right now.
My emotions, thoughts... everything has been up in the air lately. I don't know which way is up and which is down. For the last few months I've become friends with someone, and we've become really close. I talk to them almost every day and they are one of the few people who can actually make me happy right now. Obviously, everything that has happened since November 13, 2009 has brought us, as well as everyone in Pacific Crest, closer together. This scares me. I feel like a little girl writing this, because it's been so long since I've felt this way, but I'm starting to really like this guy. The last person I officially dated was Zach and we broke up over a year ago... I know a couple people, probably even Zach himself, would argue that I've basically been with Noah ever since, but I don't agree with that. So basically, the last time I felt this way, it was for Zach. I guess it makes me weird, but I like saying that Zach was my last boyfriend and my last crush... and even though I'm starting to feel the way I do for this guy, I don't want to let go of those things... if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm scared I'm feeling the way I do as a way to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling. I really don't want that either because I don't want to hurt anyone. So I'm a little lost. I keep talking to Zach and asking him for some advice, but obviously it's a little hard for me to hear his answer... which is too bad because he really was great at advice... I needed to write something because whenever I have a hard time with something, writing helps. I've been talking to Annie a lot, and Zach, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. I've barely even talked to the guy about it, and when I have it's been very vague or coated in sarcasm. I feel like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, especially since I don't know how they feel about me. I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, since I'm pretty sure that played a part in the failure of a lot of my relationships... probably most of all with Zach. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. I wish that I could just get away and sit with someone and talk... but one of the people I want to sit and talk with I can only talk to in my thoughts, another one lives too far away and the other one I'm scared to talk to...
I guess I should either get ready for class or do something productive. If you actually read this, thank you. If I'm thankful for anything this Thanksgiving, it's my amazing friends.
Saturday, November 28, 2009 2:41 AM
The Heart of Life
Current mood:emotional
Tonight was a good night. I went with Mark into the Valley to see Annie's football game. It felt good to see PC people... There were a few times I wanted to start crying while driving with Mark, but I kept it together. That was the first time since November 13th that I've been able to drive the 60 East without balling, but the drive home was a little different. Along the 1ish hour drive, Mark & I did a lot of talking, which was lots of fun... & naturally the conversation turned to Zach more than once. As we were talking about him, & I came EXTREMELY close to losing it, the song "The Heart of Life" came on. I've heard this song a few times before, but right now... idk, it just felt like the perfect song for the moment. Now, I can't stop listening to it... or crying.
I think my mom put it best a few days after everything happened... this is my first real experience with loss. I still don't know how this whole grieving process works. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. When I feel like I should be "okay," I'm completely depressed, usually crying or trying really hard not to... or when I actually do feel okay, I feel like I should be sad. It's been 2 weeks... correction, just over 2 weeks, & I still really don't believe any of it. Is that normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly talking to/arguing with Zach in my head. I'm usually a quiet person but lately if I'm quiet, I'm talking to him. The other day for Thanksgiving I actually had to ask my mom to tell the rest of my family not to ask me if I was "okay" or "what happened" because I couldn't take it. Guess what? They still did. It was innocent but it was too hard to deal with. I love my family, but I haven't been able to talk to them about any of this. My mom is a little heartbroken that I won't talk to her about it, but I just can't. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about Zach, are people who knew him. My parents met him, like, twice. They didn't know him, they don't know how amazing he was or how important he was to me. Hell, I didn't realize how important he still was to me until...
So right now, I'm listening to "The Heart of Life" on repeat, sitting alone in my livingroom, crying. Awesome, I know. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. It really freaking sucks. I still haven't done much to be productive school-wise... I need to... ugh... I can't focus, my emotions are all over the place. It makes me really grateful that I have someone I can talk to that doesn't think I'm crazy. I have quite a few someone's like that, but I'm really referring to the one person I've been talking to till all hours of the night for the last week... Right now, he's trying to cheer me up by saying I'm controlling the weather, & that my crying is making it rain. It's so stupid, but cute...
Thanksgiving was an interesting day... In that one day he admitted to liking me [& knowing that I liked him even tho I've been too scared to actually say it] & I lost contact with someone who claimed to never leave my life, whether I wanted them to or not. Who would've thought that posting something on Twitter would cause so much drama? & the funny thing is, I'm more scared & upset than ever. I just lost Zach, who I didn't realize I still cared so much about... I'm kind of losing Kevin because he's moving to the other side of the country & he already lives too far away just being in San Diego... I lost Noah a long, long time ago & even tho he has continued to tell me he loves me, even tho I won't say it back, I never knew he still cared that much to be so upset & stop talking to me over something as silly as me liking another guy. He always made it very clear that we wouldn't have a long distance relationship & I told myself I wouldn't wait for him, because who am I kidding? That boy uses me as his California hook up. I hate it, & it's my own fault. I want someone to care about me so much, I actually listen to him... But I just stopped believing him after he claimed I was using Zach's death to get attention & it never occurred to me that I actually meant anything to him.... & then there's this guy I'm texting [which most people who'll read thing know who it is]. I keep apologizing for being crazy or coming off too strong, but the guy doesn't seem to be scared away... yet anyway. I mean, from what my sources have told me, this guy doens't like taking people back to his home town, yet a few days ago he was telling me he already planned to take me there. I guess that kind of says something... he also said that even though he likes me & I like him, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with the situation [that sounds so 6th grade, it's not even funny]... so this is why I'm scared. Ugh, boys are confusing. Can't live with them & obviously I can't live without them...
I've been sitting here for probably an hour writing this... I'm still listening to the song & the crying has become on&off instead of continuous. He's still texting me, trying to make me feel better, it's not really working but it does help. I really really wish Zach was here right now. [I've told people this story a lot lately, but I don't care] Just before we left for tour, I was really upset over something Noah did or said, & I just could not stop crying... I just sat down in a ball, my head on my knees, & cried [I know, I cry A LOT]. He sat down next to me & asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say... I've noticed that if there is anything all my exes have in common, other than dating me, they all hate Noah. So I didn't want to say anything. Especially because I thought Zach would tease me for liking Noah again. So I shrugged. I thought that was that, he'd get up & leave me alone. Not Zach. He made himself comfortable & said "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." & I'm going to be completely honest, I kinda smiled when he said that. I hadn't spent much time with him alone since we started being "friends" again, so I was happy. So I just cried. He stayed there. At some point I told him that he didn't have to stay there & asked "don't you have drum major stuff to do?", which he said he knew but he wanted to & that "that's what Mark's for." He started trying to push me over, to get me to crack a smile. I think he tried to tickle me too. I finally did but I still didn't say anything. & It was like, Zach already knew. He said that Noah wasn't worth it, or something like that. & eventually I got up... I still don't remember if I said "thank you" to him or not. If I didn't, Thank you Zachary. Thank you so much.
It's 3:48... if you go by the time in the news reports, Zach has been gone for 2 weeks, 24 hours and 10 minutes. It doesn't seem real... I need to stop with this crying, it's late & I have so much to do when I wake up... good night. I love & appreciate you, please know that. I'm making sure all the important people know that, because I didn't get the chance to tell Zach that...
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