I've been thinking a lot today, probably too much. Story of my life. Oh well. I'm having the familiar heavy, lurking feeling that usually hits right before a panic attack. I've been purposely trying to stay away from forms of communication and I'm tired. Yay for signs of depression. I refuse to let myself be labeled that way again. It's stupid. I say that I've been staying away from my phone and instant messenger because of my paper, and I have been, but that's not the full story. I really just don't want to talk to people. Some people I could talk to, but they're not the ones most likely to talk to me.
Specifically, I'm staying away from Noah. I know that's pretty stupid, but I am. (Though, he is not the person I have been "avoiding.") It's my usual defensive behavior. It's not that I'm feeling smothered, but I'm feeling smothered. I am honest-to-God afraid of commitment in any form. I care about him and it was fun when we were talking and everything was still unclear, but once we talked about the possibility of "rekindling" things and me going to Memphis... I panicked. I really don't get it. I guess 5 failed relationships in the last 4 years has really ruined me. I mean, Noah and I even talked about how there really isn't a chance of anything working between us; the distance is too great. On top of that we want so many different things, that part I thought about but I haven't talked with him about. Still, just the thought of any sort of commitment, even possible commitment, scares the crap out of me. Heck, the last time I had a crush on someone I had a mini-freak out because even that was too much for me, and I never even told the guy (nor do I plan on it). I don't know, it's just had me kind of down today is all.
My grandparents are here right now. They came over for dinner. I love them and I know they won't be around much longer but it kind of depresses me more since I know they won't be here much longer. Ugh, I feel like Elliot on Scrubs. Let me explain, the first episode of the new season ("My Jerk"... yes, I do know episode names. Sad but true.) Carla and Dr. Cox tell Elliot that she is self-involved. I feel very self-involved at the moment. I think that I'm a pretty self-involved person. I try not to be, but I worry too much about myself and my problems. Even by going through this rant about how self-involved I am, I am being even more self-involved. Cruel, cruel cycle.
I'm currently reading the book Invisible Monsters, I might have mentioned that last time, and it is fantastic. I have gotten into the horrible habit of reading the plot summaries on Wikipedia of books I'm reading before I read them. I know, basically, the entire story before I even finish the book. So, though I'm only about halfway through the novel (if you know the book, I just got to where Brandy Alexander is revealed to be Shane), I know how the story ends. I feel like I'm one of the characters in this book, minus the mutilation, homosexuality, drugs and sex. I feel like I'm lying to myself. Lying so much so that I have no clue who the hell I am anymore. The only things I know are constant are: I want to be a teacher (though the grade level and things of that nature are most definitely not constant), I want to move out, I love to spin/dance. I can't even say that I love drum corps anymore because my relationship with one of the only places I have ever felt completely accepted has been tainted. Coming home last summer still stings. People bring up "oh yeah, on tour we..." and they tell me this big long story that I should remember and about halfway through they say, "oh, sorry. I forgot that you weren't there."
"These things happen."
Summer's words ring oh so true. I'm falling in for my ex, "These things happen."I'm scared to death about it, "These things happen." I love my family but hate living at home, "These things happen." I feel completely trapped and under appreciated at one of my jobs, "These things happen." I hate being alone, "These things happen." I'm terrified of commitment but want a relationship, "These things happen." I feel like life is at a standstill, "These things happen."
C'est la vie.
Anyway, I must admit, I have had a tad to drink tonight (if you call a cranberry juice w/vodka and half a glass of wine drinking) and I'm actually pretty tired. I've started outlining my paper, and though I don't plan on writing anything that will be graded while "under the influence," I really should outline something... or something productive...
Au Revoir
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