I've made even more progress, but still have not finished that paper. Anyway I'm watching P.S. I Love You, which is an uber cheesy, sad love story if you've never seen it, and I made a realization (that really isn't anything new to me)...

I want to be in love. 

I'm not, nor have I been for a very long time. I love being in love. That's why summer after summer I go into these romantic entanglements with boys who really aren't good for me, crying when they "break my heart," only to realize when I have no more tears to shed that they hardly even scratched it. I want the kind of love that knocks you off your feet, without air. I "feel" that way when I'm with a boy, but not exactly. Not to the point where I need to be with that him no matter what, not to the point so overly dramatized in movies (like the one I'm now watching, The Fountain). I have never truly felt that kind of love. I want that. I want it so bad. 

I'm not an overly religious person. I pray everyday, but I really don't go to church like I should. Despite this, I know that God has a plan. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for all the good and bad that has happened in my life, and I am thankful they have shaped me into the person I've become. I know that one day I will find that love. I just hope that I know it when it comes. I have such an aversion to "love" since my heart has been "broken" so many times. I have tested the waters, looking for love and each time I find a guppy and not the prize catch I'm looking for. (Yeah, that was a really bad line... sorry haha.)  

Maybe I should just NOT watch "love" movies anymore. Maybe then I will not have such ridiculous standards for a boy that doesn't exist somewhere out there for me. At the same time I shouldn't lower my standards, that's exactly what I've been doing. That's how I ended up with a boy who cheated on me, one who left me when I needed support, or was simply someone's rebound. I know now, thanks to months of being learning about myself, that I really am worth more than that. I have been told by all of them, every single one, that I am a good person and great girl, and that has always left me wondering why I "wasn't good enough" for them, why they couldn't stay with me. I realize that it wasn't me, or wasn't completely me, and there has to be a reason, a person out there for me, that lead those things to end. I am definitely not a patient person, and this is a situation which calls for a great deal of patience. I need to just be patient and one day I will find that one boy who meets my ridiculous standards, who truly wants to be with me and I with him.  

Though, I still say I just should NOT watch love movies...