Happy Birthday

Dear Zach,


Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.

I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.

I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.

I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.

I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.

I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.

I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.

Love,

Samantha