Why is this so back and forth? Why do we have this seemingly, never-ending cycle for a relationship; where we hate each other, slowly start to miss each other, then it seems like we can really be friends... or maybe more... then it all comes crashing down? I really hate it. I want something real, something for sure, something that will last. I hate getting sucked into this. I really try not to but for some reason I keep coming back. I feel like this is one big game. When one of us gives in to talk to the other, that person loses. All I did was send an innocent text message right now, nothing like "I miss you so much" or anything, just a question about barbecue, and now I feel like I am a complete failure. I just lost the game.

I was watching a show earlier ("What I Like About You," haha I've seen almost EVERY episode) and the character Holly was talking about how she always goes back to this boy named Vince... and her sister was like "if you keep going back to him, what do you think that means?" and then Holly said something about loving him. It got me thinking about this situation.

Do I still love him? If you ask me the question out right, I will probably answer, without hesitation, no. Because to me, in my mind, I don't. He is nothing I want in a boyfriend. He is not someone I can see myself with in the long run. I'm a pretty low key girl; I don't party, I don't go to clubs... I'm really quite boring. I sometimes wish I was the girl who did all those things, but being the "boring" girl has led me to being a much stronger, independent person than I thought possible. I've already graduated college, started on the path to my dream career, and I'm only 22 (well, for a few more weeks anyway :]); and most of those party girls I know are either doing nothing with their degrees or still in college, or even dropped out. He is a lot like those party girls. He's in numerous rock/jazz/blues bands. He does drugs, and dropped out of college, where he had a FULL RIDE to a great school for his craft. These things make perfect sense to him, it's his dream life and he's already living it. I don't fit into that world, and I don't think I ever could.

Now, this is all on paper. On paper we have SO little in common, it makes you wonder why I keep having some sort of attachment to him. It's the other things, the things that don't really make sense on the page, that make me as attracted to him as a bug to a bug zapper. Seriously, think about it. The bug probably just watched a few of its friends get killed by this bright, shinning light, but it can't help but want to go to the light. I feel like that about this situation. As much as he is selfish and I can seriously hate him, he is funny. He has turned me on to so many new things, some of my favorite movies and songs. Granted, I can't be sure I don't just like those things because they remind me of him or if I really do like them, but still. Even when we hate each other, we can still have a good conversation. Most of the time that will turn into a fight, but it is usually resolved in the course of the conversation. We also get extremely jealous of each other. I thought this was just me, because I am just a jealous person (I hate that about myself, but it's who I am) but he gets JUST as jealous of people/boys I talk to. There is just something so... familiar about him. I feel safe. Despite the time or distance between us I can talk to him about (almost) anything... and even he can get excited about things in my "boring" life.

Maybe it is these things that don't show up on the page that keep bring me back to him. But is that really good? Is that healthy. I don't feel like it is. In fact, the last 7 months of my life have been devoted to pushing him away at every turn. This is not to say I haven't had moments where I broke, texting or calling him. But, going back to my little "game," I usually just sulk, complain to my best friend, and wait for when he gives in to contact me. I always say/feel like I win every time he calls me and I don't answer. Even now. My innocent BBQ question turned into a mini conversation... the first we've had in probably a week or so... and a month before that... and it was all because he kept texting me. all of my texts were ones that could have easily ended the conversation. But I still feel like I have "lost" this round because, I text him first, and I sent the last text which he did not respond to. Almost everything I say to him is katty and slightly bitchy... annoyed... because I get that way usually when I talk to him.

But the fact that lately, for some unknown reason, I have not been able to get him off my mind, that I have thought about giving in to call or text him and this was the first "legitimate" reason I've had to do so, and the conversation is over and I "miss" him... that makes me feel like the loser. I don't like losing this game. I don't even want to play it! I think most of my blogs have either been about him or Zach... it's really sad if you think about it. The ex-boyfriend I keep coming back to and the one that is really gone and I don't think I am/was ever over.

I swear, I need a new name to add to this blog haha. I need to find someone... and I need to actively search... it's been almost 2 years since Zach and I broke up... and he was my last "official" boyfriend (even though Noah and I did date on and off since then)... and I strongly dislike writing blogs like this, but I do it still... like I keep coming back to him... maybe that's just the person I am... who knows. I needed to vent though, get this all off my chest. I feel like I did just that. At least a little bit.