It's Spring Break part 2 for my students. They get extra time off for Easter since their Spring Break was about a month ago. While after the end of Winter Guard and just before the whirlwind of auditions this break is very appreciated, I'm already bored and over thinking everything in my life.
There's so much going on. I want to write about everything but I'm being a tad superstitious and don't want to jinx anything. So instead I'll tell you a story of how absolutely crazy I can be and what I did earlier this week.
Monday morning Jon left my house as I was leaving for work. When I got home I met up with my friend Summer for shopping and lunch. It was fun times. I had text Jon asking if he'd made it home ok, and there was absolutely no response for HOURS. I sent a few little text messages in the mean time, thinking he just didn't hear/feel his phone with the first one. I had this weird uneasy feeling when he left that morning. I had a nightmare during the night that something happened to him or that we broke up, I don't remember exactly but it wasn't a good dream, and it had put me on edge. So my mind was already going through millions of weird scenarios when he left that morning, and with the absence of response, my mind was beginning to jump to crazy conclusions.
What if he's hurt? What if he got in an accident? What if he's just sick of me? What if he wants nothing to do with me? Is he mad at me? Did I say or do something wrong?
I hate to admit it, but I am TOTALLY that girl sometimes. Probably (definitely) more than I'd like to admit.
Summer saw how on edge I was getting. I wasn't really able to enjoy our friend time because I was getting really anxious. Eventually he got back to me. I was visibly relieved and let out an audible sigh when I head the "pixie dust" of my phone (That's what Summer calls his text tone haha). Instantly I felt a wave of regret after the initial relief. I probably sounded completely crazy to him. Remember how I said I didn't want worrying about one problem to cause a different problem? I felt like I was going down that road again. He was, as always, a sweetheart and tried to put me at ease. He apologized for not responding sooner and said he left his phone on the charger and just didn't hear it. A completely normal thing.
I should've felt better after that, and I did, but not really. I've still felt a little anxious and self-conscious all week. I've been trying really hard NOT to be that girl and to not be too overbearing. I feel like we've talked less this week than we have in recent weeks as a result. And I feel like I'm saying things like "I miss you," "I wish you were here/I was there," WAY too much.
Look, back to my old overthinking ways! That's not a good thing, friends. Not good at all.
When it comes down to it, the relationship is still "new" but not that new anymore. I've been dating Jon since January (or August if you ask match maker Summer, who insists that our relationship has really be years in the making and shouldn't be limited to just when things became "official".). Maybe I'm just anxious that the "newness" is gone and he'll be over me. I'm not sure, but the anxiousness was just not going away. I was having weird mood swings most of the week.
Fast forward to last night. All of yesterday (when I wrote a good portion of this post) I was feeling anxious and couldn't do much to get myself to calm down. I've been trying to diet/exercise so stress eating was really out of the question (except if you count my pop corn and grapes binge... sounds weird but they go together nicely). Video games where making me more anxious so that wasn't the right outlet. I tried to exercise, but since I've been trying to work out everyday and my body is DEFINITELY NOT used to that, I was really struggling and it only make me more moody.
Jon had text me to ask about my day, I tried to leave out the parts about anxiety and such, because I didn't want to just complain to him. He mentioned he took the day off work, and had fixed his truck. As the night went on I finally broke down about how anxious I was and I really couldn't figure out what it was. I was afraid of sounding completely needy (which I even said to him).
What does he do? He offers to drive all the way out to my house just to see me. We originally planned on meeting halfway but he decided to just come over instead. For those keeping track at home, he drove 45 minutes, just because he wanted me to be less anxious. When he got here he talked with my parents a bit, he's really good about things like that. We talked in my room for a while. Made lots of jokes. He had me laughing so hard my face hurt. He just laid there hugging me. He stayed as late as he could (about 2:45am) before he needed to go home. I was so happy that he did that. He said he wanted to see me, and since he knew I was feeling really "meh" he thought he'd come over.
I'm still slightly anxious this morning, but this is the first time all week that I feel somewhat rested from sleeping. I really feel like I've won the lottery with him. He continues to surprise me and make me feel so loved and happy.
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