Stop comparing

I have had a million things going on in my life since my last post on here. Some not so great, like having to go to the ER 3 times (& stay overnight 4ish nights) in 1 week... leaving me out of work for almost a month and minus yet another organ in my body (later, gallbladder). Some great, like becoming an aunt, having a great job, and moving in with my boyfriend.

But despite the good things, I keep comparing myself.

I know that there really is no need to compare myself to anyone. You do you, and stuff. But I feel like I'm developmentally behind. I'm 28. In 2016 I will enter into my last year in my 20s. Not that I feel the "doom" of 30 per se, but I definitely feel like I'm behind on so many things. I'll start with what has me really down right now. I got some AMAZING news from one of my best friend's the other day. I am totally excited for her, but completely jealous all at once. Summer just told me and Jennee she's pregnant. She's due in July (I told her she already got married on my birthday, so she should have her baby that day too... I mean, it's a good day (: ) I could not be more excited for her. I get to be an "aunt" to another little bundle of joy. I'm totally happy for her, but later that night, I was balling about this. Jon kept trying to get me to tell him why I was upset. I gave him part of the answer, that I was worried I wouldn't get to see her as much, which is part of why I was sad. She's my closest friend and I'm sad I won't get to have random coffee dates or shopping dates with her. But the complete truth was, I'm jealous. Summer is 3 weeks younger than me, and she's been married for 3 years, and now going to have a child. Those are things that I thought I would have at this point in my life. Between this, my friend Christie just having a SECOND child, and my sister now being a mom, I can definitely feel that biological clock ticking.

Eventually I told Jon the complete truth. And how I'm worried about being an old mom, if I'll be able to have kids, if they'll be healthy. I've told him several times that I want to start trying by 30. In my head, I want to be done with having kids by 34-35. That seems so old to me. But then again, my mom had me when she was 26, same as me sister, so my baseline says I'm already behind.

BUT, this has me getting more impatient and comparing myself more on yet another topic, marriage. I have several friends that have gotten engaged this past year, or are recently married. I've known Jon was the one since about 3-4 months in to dating. We've been together 2 years now. We've been living together over a month. We had a 30-day money back guarantee on the apartment, so we've been teasing each other "Want to back out yet?" "Annoyed yet?" And the answer has consistently been "no" from both of us. I could not be more content. I worried so much about him driving home late at night. I even asked him to text me when he would get home. Now, I get woken up with a kiss on the forehead or feeling his arms wrap around me, and I know that he's safe. My parents were surprisingly onboard about us moving in before marriage, but they now ask almost daily if questions have been popped yet. My dad said he's "counting the days" that we're "living in sin." Thanks, dad. I already brought it up a bunch, and he's assured me that it will happen, but I feel like it needs to happen now. I want it to happen now. And I know it's a 2-way street. But he tells me he wants it too. He's just trying to pay off bills and save up for a ring. I even told him I don't need one, because the ring is just a symbol. But it's a really beautiful, shiny symbol that if I'm being honest with myself, I want so much.

Between babies and marriage, I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I would love to say that in 2016 I'm getting married and knocked up, in that order. But I don't think either will happen. Not really things I can add to a "New Years Resolution" list. Both of those depend on the man I love, and him wanting to make those things happen as well. But I can work on comparing less, and having a hell of a lot more patience. I really have been working on the latter. I'm getting better but it's a slow process. Comparing less will be a challenge, because it's something I've done pretty much my whole life. But I know that everyone is different. There's no "right" way to do anything in life. Things will happen as they're supposed to happen.