Big Love...

WHOA! I think that this could quite possibly be my new favorite show. It's starting to edge out Scrubs a little bit... not a lot though. I just finished season 1, and I'm watching the first episode of season 2 as I type this. Seriously, SO AWESOME! Here are a few observations that I have come up with since watching this show:

- I could NEVER practice polygamy. I mean, besides the fact that it's against the law and kind of gross... I have a hard time sharing. Seriously, I cannot do the things these women do. First few episodes show him having sex with his wives... seriously? How can you share something that... that, personal, that sacred, with other people? Not right, nope, not right...

- These deluded Mormon women get more action sharing one guy than I've had in way too long haha. 

- I'm happy with my religion. As well as my state. I know the two aren't linked, but in this show, those lines are pretty blurred.

- These girls are more selfless than I think I could ever be. 

So those are a few observations I've made. It was funny, earlier, I tried explaining how everyone was related and connected to my sister.... I'm still shocked I could do so. It's hilarious. 

In other news, I'll be publishing (well, writing a blog) a review about Next soon. I am about a hundred pages away from the end. OMG! There's MonkeyBoys and parrots that can do math and people owning the genes of other people... INSANE! It's almost as good as Big Love, but since it's a book, I have to do a little more work. I didn't finish today because it gives me something to do in between classes tomorrow. 

And in even more other news, I am, yet again, falling for Noah. I hate that I'm becoming the bad guy. I'm becoming something I hate. I'm toying with his emotions. I don't know if he realizes it, but I do. I hate myself for it. One second, I can't stand him. I hate him even. But then I miss him like crazy. I start talking to him again. I do all these things that scream "I love you." He had actually stopped telling me he loved me for awhile, I was happy about that. But today, this morning, I woke up to a text message saying "Love you Sweetie <3">

But the same time, I'm scared shitless. I miss him but I'm scared. I'm scared to open up feelings to anyone. I'm so damn tired of being rejected. 5 Boyfriends... that's how many boys I have been with since Noah. Noah is the only one I think that I "loved" in the purest sense of the word. I loved them all, for their own ways. But he was my first "love," the first person I felt that way for. I don't know. I'm just... ugh... I would love to "rekindle" things with him. I really would. But he lives so far away, we want such different things. I feel like I'm going around in circles. It doesn't make sense to have any sort of relationship with him, especially if I want it to last. He was talking about how he can't wait to kiss me. I have to admit, I melted a little. I want to kiss him too. But again, rejection... it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And I hate to give Zach too much credit, but he kind of put the last nail in the coffin. He didn't give our relationship a chance, and I'm fine with that now, but I'm tired of being the rebound girl or the girl people don't want to try and fight to be with. I was watching the Bachelor earlier... he totally chose one girl... THEN went back on it and broke up with her on TV to get with the one he originally broke up with... also on TV. SO Retarded! I hate boys... not really, but still. I'm so confused. It's times like this that I really wish people read my blog. I need feed back on these things. 

UGH! Right now is another example of how he acts. I sent him a message explaining that my parents were making fun of my single-ness and saying they were going to put me in an arranged marriage and that it made me feel like I have no life. He just sent me a message saying "Love you and your no life." Adorable, right? How am I supposed to fight this?! What is the right thing to do. I need help on this...

:]

Hello Blog. Long time, no write. How've you been? That's good. I've been busy... no, really, I have.

Haha, ok that was pretty lame, even for me. I haven't written in a while, my apologies. I've been with my other lover... reading. Yep, in the last 2ish weeks I've read 2.5 books. Invisible Monsters I've talked about in previous blogs. Fantastic. I also read another Chuck Palahniuk novel, Choke, also pretty fantastic. It's about a sexaholic who chokes on purpose to make the people who save him feel like heros in the hopes that they will send him money, feeling responsible for him, so that he may continue paying for his mothers health care... oh, and a crazy person at the same hospital, who he thinks is a doctor, tries to convince him he's Jesus. Yep, fantastic. 

And, admittedly because of the hype, I started reading He's Just Not That Into You. So far, it makes soooo much sense! I feel... empowered haha. I'm only halfway through but I'm already seeing mistakes I've made before haha. It's really eye opening. Which leads me to a social conversation I want to start...

What if I'm just not that into him?

Seriously, what if I can't tell? Yeah, if you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Noah. I really don't know. We had a conversation about it the other night. He was asking me how I thought things should be when he's home for spring break next month. I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't pussyfoot around the truth, I flat out told him; I don't want a boyfriend for a week. Reading this book is making me more ballsy. I like it. I have definitely been liking the male attention I seem to be getting from him. I call him my pseudo-boyfriend, which is nice and all, but I don't want this to be all there is. I want an honest to God boyfriend. I'm done wasting my time. Do I want to see him when he's home? You bet I do. I do still have feelings for him. I always have, ever since we broke up. He was my first "love," so I'm 99% sure I will always have some sort of feelings for him. But do I want to be his girlfriend again? Only for a week? 

At the end of every chapter in HJNTIY there's something along the lines of "you deserve better." I really think that I deserve more than a boy 1700 miles away who couldn't figure out that he loved me until almost 3 years later (I said 4 years previously but I redid my math...). Noah is the best when we're not together, but when we were... I just don't know. We've both changed so much. Those stupid "25 Random Facts" notes spreading like herpes around Facebook? Yeah, I read his, soo many of the things he said conflict with what I want in a guy. One of the things he said was he didn't feel he had to get married or whatever, well that's definitely something on my to-do list (now that I think about it, that might've been in a MySpace bulletin he did, same difference). He's also an Atheist now, which doesn't really work for me (Side note: there was some minor family drama. My parents are joining the church they've been going to for the last year and they wanted my siblings and myself to joined and be baptized, which we never were. I love God and I try to be a good Christian, but they raised us saying that we didn't need to go to church to be good people, and I always feel weird at church, I don't know why and I feel like a bad person because of it. So my siblings are joining and whatnot, but I am not. I feel like the black sheep now. I said it was because I really won't be able to go that much soon because of drum corps, but it's mostly the church making me feel weird thing.). 

I brought up the whole Los Angeles - Memphis distance issue with him, too. He's not a fan of long distance either, but he still wants to "rekindle things." Seriously? I honestly can't tell if he's really still in love with me, or if he's just trying to pull off the most long, drawn out plan to get in my pants when he's home. I told Noah that if he wants to hang out, or go on "a date," he has to actually call and ask me. He was thinking that whenever he wasn't hanging out with someone else while he was home that he'd be with me. Seriously? I know I don't have much of a social life, but I do have some. Plus that's the week leading into the CSET, which I am determined to pass with flying colors. Hell, I even bought a study book, that's a pretty big deal for me; I'm actually putting in effort this time. He tells me all the time that he loves me and misses me; if that's true he can put in the effort. I want to be chased after damn it.

But I got a little away from my question, what if I'm just not that into him? When I read this book, listing all the excuses guys use on girls that subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, tell that they "just aren't that into them," I see almost everything I do to Noah. Do the same rules apply? I feel like it's a math property. "A + B = C but B + C does not = A" I don't know if it goes both ways. I guess that I really can't tell until I actually spend time with him. I know I'm going to get sucked in, at least a little. That has happened literally every time I've spent time with him since we broke up. But I think that I'm older, more mature and wiser to the world of men.

That's about it for tonight... I just sliced my finger so I'm off to take care of that.

I've made even more progress, but still have not finished that paper. Anyway I'm watching P.S. I Love You, which is an uber cheesy, sad love story if you've never seen it, and I made a realization (that really isn't anything new to me)...

I want to be in love. 

I'm not, nor have I been for a very long time. I love being in love. That's why summer after summer I go into these romantic entanglements with boys who really aren't good for me, crying when they "break my heart," only to realize when I have no more tears to shed that they hardly even scratched it. I want the kind of love that knocks you off your feet, without air. I "feel" that way when I'm with a boy, but not exactly. Not to the point where I need to be with that him no matter what, not to the point so overly dramatized in movies (like the one I'm now watching, The Fountain). I have never truly felt that kind of love. I want that. I want it so bad. 

I'm not an overly religious person. I pray everyday, but I really don't go to church like I should. Despite this, I know that God has a plan. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for all the good and bad that has happened in my life, and I am thankful they have shaped me into the person I've become. I know that one day I will find that love. I just hope that I know it when it comes. I have such an aversion to "love" since my heart has been "broken" so many times. I have tested the waters, looking for love and each time I find a guppy and not the prize catch I'm looking for. (Yeah, that was a really bad line... sorry haha.)  

Maybe I should just NOT watch "love" movies anymore. Maybe then I will not have such ridiculous standards for a boy that doesn't exist somewhere out there for me. At the same time I shouldn't lower my standards, that's exactly what I've been doing. That's how I ended up with a boy who cheated on me, one who left me when I needed support, or was simply someone's rebound. I know now, thanks to months of being learning about myself, that I really am worth more than that. I have been told by all of them, every single one, that I am a good person and great girl, and that has always left me wondering why I "wasn't good enough" for them, why they couldn't stay with me. I realize that it wasn't me, or wasn't completely me, and there has to be a reason, a person out there for me, that lead those things to end. I am definitely not a patient person, and this is a situation which calls for a great deal of patience. I need to just be patient and one day I will find that one boy who meets my ridiculous standards, who truly wants to be with me and I with him.  

Though, I still say I just should NOT watch love movies...