[Frankly,] My dear, I don't give a damn!

Hey folks,

Yeah I haven't written in awhile. I have lots, I guess, I write about but right now we're going to take another look into my book-of-the-moment. This time it's Gone With The Wind. I'm not far along at all but here are some interesting facts.

- FACT: The "frankly" was added for the movie. He's much sweeter about shunning Scarlett in the book.
- FACT: It is really hard to read the slave's dialogue. Phonetic spelling is a bitch.
- FACT: Scarlett was only 16! WTF? I don't remember that from the movie.
- Favorite passage thus far:

When the twins left Scarlett standing on the porch of Tara and the last sound of flying hooves had died awa, she went back to her chair like a sleepwalker. Her face went stiff as from pain and her mouth actually hurt from having stretched it, unwillingly, in simles to prevent the twins from learning her secret. She sat down wearily, tucking one foot under her, and her heart swelled up with misery, until it felt too large for her bosom. It beat with odd little jerks; her hands were cold, and a feeling of disaster oppressed her.

Good quote.

:]

Hello Blog. Long time, no write. How've you been? That's good. I've been busy... no, really, I have.

Haha, ok that was pretty lame, even for me. I haven't written in a while, my apologies. I've been with my other lover... reading. Yep, in the last 2ish weeks I've read 2.5 books. Invisible Monsters I've talked about in previous blogs. Fantastic. I also read another Chuck Palahniuk novel, Choke, also pretty fantastic. It's about a sexaholic who chokes on purpose to make the people who save him feel like heros in the hopes that they will send him money, feeling responsible for him, so that he may continue paying for his mothers health care... oh, and a crazy person at the same hospital, who he thinks is a doctor, tries to convince him he's Jesus. Yep, fantastic. 

And, admittedly because of the hype, I started reading He's Just Not That Into You. So far, it makes soooo much sense! I feel... empowered haha. I'm only halfway through but I'm already seeing mistakes I've made before haha. It's really eye opening. Which leads me to a social conversation I want to start...

What if I'm just not that into him?

Seriously, what if I can't tell? Yeah, if you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Noah. I really don't know. We had a conversation about it the other night. He was asking me how I thought things should be when he's home for spring break next month. I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't pussyfoot around the truth, I flat out told him; I don't want a boyfriend for a week. Reading this book is making me more ballsy. I like it. I have definitely been liking the male attention I seem to be getting from him. I call him my pseudo-boyfriend, which is nice and all, but I don't want this to be all there is. I want an honest to God boyfriend. I'm done wasting my time. Do I want to see him when he's home? You bet I do. I do still have feelings for him. I always have, ever since we broke up. He was my first "love," so I'm 99% sure I will always have some sort of feelings for him. But do I want to be his girlfriend again? Only for a week? 

At the end of every chapter in HJNTIY there's something along the lines of "you deserve better." I really think that I deserve more than a boy 1700 miles away who couldn't figure out that he loved me until almost 3 years later (I said 4 years previously but I redid my math...). Noah is the best when we're not together, but when we were... I just don't know. We've both changed so much. Those stupid "25 Random Facts" notes spreading like herpes around Facebook? Yeah, I read his, soo many of the things he said conflict with what I want in a guy. One of the things he said was he didn't feel he had to get married or whatever, well that's definitely something on my to-do list (now that I think about it, that might've been in a MySpace bulletin he did, same difference). He's also an Atheist now, which doesn't really work for me (Side note: there was some minor family drama. My parents are joining the church they've been going to for the last year and they wanted my siblings and myself to joined and be baptized, which we never were. I love God and I try to be a good Christian, but they raised us saying that we didn't need to go to church to be good people, and I always feel weird at church, I don't know why and I feel like a bad person because of it. So my siblings are joining and whatnot, but I am not. I feel like the black sheep now. I said it was because I really won't be able to go that much soon because of drum corps, but it's mostly the church making me feel weird thing.). 

I brought up the whole Los Angeles - Memphis distance issue with him, too. He's not a fan of long distance either, but he still wants to "rekindle things." Seriously? I honestly can't tell if he's really still in love with me, or if he's just trying to pull off the most long, drawn out plan to get in my pants when he's home. I told Noah that if he wants to hang out, or go on "a date," he has to actually call and ask me. He was thinking that whenever he wasn't hanging out with someone else while he was home that he'd be with me. Seriously? I know I don't have much of a social life, but I do have some. Plus that's the week leading into the CSET, which I am determined to pass with flying colors. Hell, I even bought a study book, that's a pretty big deal for me; I'm actually putting in effort this time. He tells me all the time that he loves me and misses me; if that's true he can put in the effort. I want to be chased after damn it.

But I got a little away from my question, what if I'm just not that into him? When I read this book, listing all the excuses guys use on girls that subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, tell that they "just aren't that into them," I see almost everything I do to Noah. Do the same rules apply? I feel like it's a math property. "A + B = C but B + C does not = A" I don't know if it goes both ways. I guess that I really can't tell until I actually spend time with him. I know I'm going to get sucked in, at least a little. That has happened literally every time I've spent time with him since we broke up. But I think that I'm older, more mature and wiser to the world of men.

That's about it for tonight... I just sliced my finger so I'm off to take care of that.

You wouldn't be able to tell from the way I complained about writing that damn Columbus paper, but I really do enjoy writing. I always have, since I was in 3rd grade writing poems about Halloween for fun at home. But mostly since my senior AP Lit class/college have I really become passionate about it. I have been reading a lot more, which I strongly believe makes you a better writer, and that has my interest sparked in attempting to write a book.

Now, you might say,"but Sam, you're only 21 and you aren't an English major or have any writing experience." To which I laugh. What does age have to do with anything, for one? I mean, you may as well say, "you can't write, you're a girl," or "you can't write because you live in California." Whatever. That goes for writing experience and my major. I may not have the same skills as an experienced writer or someone who has been studying English literature and writing techniques for the last 4 years, but I do have stuff to offer to the table. Being a History major, I write just about as often as an English major, it's just mostly academic papers (like that hideous Columbus thing I just wrote). I also have the benefit of knowing "stuff." That's not to say English majors don't know "stuff," but I have more knowledge of "stuff." One of my favorite moments from college was my first day in my 19th Century American History class. We learned the history of the weekend. You could probably go look that up on Wikipedia and write about it in some way, but I can use that knowledge I learned and talk about different points in time along the "path to the weekend." I know about why and what was going on when work days became shorter, when days were taken off... basically, I have more background knowledge, more "stuff," at my disposal. Like I said, you could be an English major and already know about how weekends were created. Good for you. I mean, to assume that an English major doesn't know "stuff" would be like the accusation I can't write because I'm not an English major. It's all relative. 

Anyway, I've been looking up ways to make myself a better writer (since I lack all that experience and whatnot). I regularly read the blog of one of my favorite authors, Scott Westerfeld. Turns out that his wife, Justine Larbalestier, is also a writer. How cute. Anyway, this month she is writing about writing in her blog, giving tips and helping other wouldbe writers out there. So I've been reading these blogs and came upon this one. It talks about generating ideas, something that I can do but I'm not very good at. She says to start out, try deconstructing a story you already know, look at the pieces and decide what you would do differently. 

So I did an experiment.

I started with Cinderella (something easy) and ended up with a mightbe story of war-torn romance. WTH? Exactly. It's actually been so fun and I'm only taking a break to write this blog because I need to leave here soon and didn't want to get too wrapped up in working out details. Now, if you're still asking, "WTH?" here's my thought process. 

Cinderella: Story about someone who is kept from happiness by someone else (Evil Stepmother). It is only through the help of another someone else (Fairy Godmother) that they are given the opportunity to enjoy happiness (Prince Charming) briefly before returning to reality. Happiness eventually finds Cinderella without her trying. "And they lived happily ever after."

My Version: Why can't Cinderella be Cinderfella? Guy's can have fantastic stories about happiness too. And does these Evil Stepmother and Fairy Godmother have to be actual people? I vote no. Why not make them objects or situations? I mean, war is evil and it can keep people from happiness, just like the Evil Stepmother. But with war is it ever "happily ever after?"

I'm not going to give away anymore. I actually like this idea, A LOT. I don't want it to be taken away or anything (since it's not like I'm not "borrowing" the idea from anyone already haha). Plus, I still have A LOT more work to do to it. I have 5 possible settings (using that great "stuff" I know as a History major) and I need to work at the kinks to the initial plot, and then do all those "fun" details, like name characters and whatnot. So still a lot more to be done, but at least I generated an idea :D.

Oh, and I finished Invisible Monsters. WOW! I loved it. I mean, I already read the plot summary on Wikipedia (yes, I'm horribly impatient. So sue me.), but it was still so much better than I expected. Thanks Melania for telling me to read it!

Off to pick up my bro from school and choreograph some stuff. 

Bon Chance!

Thoughts brought up through procrastination

Ok, so I'm not done with that paper, but whatever. I'm still going to write something here. 

I've been thinking a lot today, probably too much. Story of my life. Oh well. I'm having the familiar heavy, lurking feeling that usually hits right before a panic attack. I've been purposely trying to stay away from forms of communication and I'm tired. Yay for signs of depression. I refuse to let myself be labeled that way again. It's stupid. I say that I've been staying away from my phone and instant messenger because of my paper, and I have been, but that's not the full story. I really just don't want to talk to people. Some people I could talk to, but they're not the ones most likely to talk to me. 

Specifically, I'm staying away from Noah. I know that's pretty stupid, but I am. (Though, he is not the person I have been "avoiding.") It's my usual defensive behavior. It's not that I'm feeling smothered, but I'm feeling smothered. I am honest-to-God afraid of commitment in any form. I care about him and it was fun when we were talking and everything was still unclear, but once we talked about the possibility of "rekindling" things and me going to Memphis... I panicked. I really don't get it. I guess 5 failed relationships in the last 4 years has really ruined me. I mean, Noah and I even talked about how there really isn't a chance of anything working between us; the distance is too great. On top of that we want so many different things, that part I thought about but I haven't talked with him about. Still, just the thought of any sort of commitment, even possible commitment, scares the crap out of me. Heck, the last time I had a crush on someone I had a mini-freak out because even that was too much for me, and I never even told the guy (nor do I plan on it). I don't know, it's just had me kind of down today is all. 

My grandparents are here right now. They came over for dinner. I love them and I know they won't be around much longer but it kind of depresses me more since I know they won't be here much longer. Ugh, I feel like Elliot on Scrubs. Let me explain, the first episode of the new season ("My Jerk"... yes, I do know episode names. Sad but true.) Carla and Dr. Cox tell Elliot that she is self-involved. I feel very self-involved at the moment. I think that I'm a pretty self-involved person. I try not to be, but I worry too much about myself and my problems. Even by going through this rant about how self-involved I am, I am being even more self-involved. Cruel, cruel cycle. 

I'm currently reading the book Invisible Monsters, I might have mentioned that last time, and it is fantastic. I have gotten into the horrible habit of reading the plot summaries on Wikipedia of books I'm reading before I read them. I know, basically, the entire story before I even finish the book. So, though I'm only about halfway through the novel (if you know the book, I just got to where Brandy Alexander is revealed to be Shane), I know how the story ends. I feel like I'm one of the characters in this book, minus the mutilation, homosexuality, drugs and sex. I feel like I'm lying to myself. Lying so much so that I have no clue who the hell I am anymore. The only things I know are constant are: I want to be a teacher (though the grade level and things of that nature are most definitely not constant), I want to move out, I love to spin/dance. I can't even say that I love drum corps anymore because my relationship with one of the only places I have ever felt completely accepted has been tainted. Coming home last summer still stings. People bring up "oh yeah, on tour we..." and they tell me this big long story that I should remember and about halfway through they say, "oh, sorry. I forgot that you weren't there." 

"These things happen." 

Summer's words ring oh so true. I'm falling in for my ex, "These things happen."I'm scared to death about it, "These things happen." I love my family but hate living at home, "These things happen." I feel completely trapped and under appreciated at one of my jobs, "These things happen." I hate being alone, "These things happen." I'm terrified of commitment but want a relationship, "These things happen." I feel like life is at a standstill, "These things happen."

C'est la vie.

Anyway, I must admit, I have had a tad to drink tonight (if you call a cranberry juice w/vodka and half a glass of wine drinking) and I'm actually pretty tired. I've started outlining my paper, and though I don't plan on writing anything that will be graded while "under the influence," I really should outline something... or something productive... 

Au Revoir