I decided to reread The Fault in Our Stars since the movie comes out next week. I forgot how much I love this book. And how emotional it makes me. For the last hour, as I've read the last half of the book, I have basically been sobbing. If you know the story, then you know what happens. And while this is the third time I've read the book, it still makes me sob. While I've been fortunate enough to never had a serious illness or lose anyone very close to me to one, I still find so many things to relate to. Things that I'm scared to admit still bother me or that I worry about. I dare say that Looking For Alaska hits a little closer to home, in a more literal sense of what happens in the plot. But TFiOS brings up old memories.
And this is where I'm going to put a big spoiler, so just stop reading if you don't wanna see it.
When Hazel gets the phone call about Gus, it takes me back to that sunny November morning when I got the phone call about Zach. When I read about how hurt Hazel is and how upset she is, I feel like I'm reliving that morning over again.
The book also makes think of happy things too. I can relate to their love. But this book... as it says, "pain demands to be felt." And feel it I do. As I've been laying here basically sobbing over a book and fictional characters, I've wanted nothing more than to call Jon and tell him just how much I love him. It's a reminder of just how short life is and how fragile we are. To paraphrase Augustus Waters says, I am not in the business of denying myself pleasures, and I am in love with him. (The him being Jon, but who isn't in love with Augustus Waters, am I right?)
So, there really was no point to this post. I just needed to get out some pent up emotion, and I've actually cried so much that my throat hurts and my eyes are swollen, so this was a better outlet.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Birthdays
It's Mother's Day! A time that we honor all the women who brought us into this world. These women gave us birth to us, gave us life. On the day of our individual births, we celebrate being another year older. My mom always pointed out to me, half jokingly, that this seemed a little selfish. Mothers should get presents on the birthdays of their children! Each child's birthday should be that mom's Mother's Day. She pointed out that she was the one who spent 18+ hours in labor with me, she should get a present on my birthday. But alas, this is not that how we do things in our society.
While I love my mother and appreciate those 18+ hours of labor, 10 extra days that she carried me in the womb, and all the things she's ever done for me in my (almost) 27 years on this earth, I am like most people and look forward to my birthday each year.
Right now I am having a lot of interesting thoughts involving birthdays. This coming Thursday Jon turns 29. I am a little strapped for cash and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for him for his birthday, so I am giving him a picture of us with Darth Vader and making him a cake. We're also going to Las Vegas next month and I'm paying for the room. You see, Jon's birthday is 2 months, almost to the day, before mine. My birthday is July 14th, his is May 15th. Originally I wanted to take him on a trip to Las Vegas for his birthday. But with Mother's Day, weddings (we're going to one next weekend), and other things we have to go to, there was no time to take a trip until June. When I told him about this plan and how upset I was I couldn't plan it closer to his birthday, he came up with the brilliant idea of splitting the difference and celebrating both of our birthdays in June. I loved this idea.
Now, I'm terrible with secrets. I'm surprised I've kept it quiet this long about what I am giving him. But I'm worse when a secret is kept from me. I'm one of those people who seeks out spoilers for TV shows and movies, who will ask a million questions trying to get the truth out of a person. Friday I was texting Jon and he said he was out buying a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. Adorable. Then he says that he thinks he found a gift for me for my birthday. I told him that I really don't need a gift, he will probably pay for most things on our trip to Las Vegas, and I just don't need a gift. Plus it's 2 months away, he doesn't need to worry about it.
Fast forward to last night at dinner. My tipsy boyfriend (we'd just come from a friend's house) tells me that he bought me the gift, says that it has a deeper meaning, and I can't see it until my birthday. He also mentioned that he told our friend Summer what it is. I now have to wait 2 months for this mystery gift. I tried to ask Summer what the gift is, but she wouldn't tell me. She said I'd love it and that it's a "no pressure" gift along the lines of something we'd talked about yesterday. Before Jon told me that he actually bought the gift, I had told Summer that it was kind of cool that he had already found a gift he wanted to give me, and that I felt super selfish in hoping it was like a necklace or earrings or something. I haven't had a boyfriend for many birthdays, and I was feeling silly getting my hopes up about that kind of thing.
So, since Summer has at least hinted that may be something along those lines, I feel like I have actually gotten my hopes up. I also feel like now my gift for him is not good enough. I know that he'll love it just because it's from me. And I know that no matter what he gives me, I'll love it. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. Do I know if Summer is telling me the truth? No. I honestly have no clue what he's gotten me, and it's already killing me that I'll have to wait until July to know what it is. But at the same time, I actually want to be surprised. Since I have a habit of ruining surprises for myself, I want this one. I'm excited not to know, just as much as I'm anxious not knowing.
So, Jon has to wait until Saturday for his birthday present, I have to wait until July 14th. It's going to be a long 2 months...
While I love my mother and appreciate those 18+ hours of labor, 10 extra days that she carried me in the womb, and all the things she's ever done for me in my (almost) 27 years on this earth, I am like most people and look forward to my birthday each year.
Right now I am having a lot of interesting thoughts involving birthdays. This coming Thursday Jon turns 29. I am a little strapped for cash and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for him for his birthday, so I am giving him a picture of us with Darth Vader and making him a cake. We're also going to Las Vegas next month and I'm paying for the room. You see, Jon's birthday is 2 months, almost to the day, before mine. My birthday is July 14th, his is May 15th. Originally I wanted to take him on a trip to Las Vegas for his birthday. But with Mother's Day, weddings (we're going to one next weekend), and other things we have to go to, there was no time to take a trip until June. When I told him about this plan and how upset I was I couldn't plan it closer to his birthday, he came up with the brilliant idea of splitting the difference and celebrating both of our birthdays in June. I loved this idea.
Now, I'm terrible with secrets. I'm surprised I've kept it quiet this long about what I am giving him. But I'm worse when a secret is kept from me. I'm one of those people who seeks out spoilers for TV shows and movies, who will ask a million questions trying to get the truth out of a person. Friday I was texting Jon and he said he was out buying a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. Adorable. Then he says that he thinks he found a gift for me for my birthday. I told him that I really don't need a gift, he will probably pay for most things on our trip to Las Vegas, and I just don't need a gift. Plus it's 2 months away, he doesn't need to worry about it.
Fast forward to last night at dinner. My tipsy boyfriend (we'd just come from a friend's house) tells me that he bought me the gift, says that it has a deeper meaning, and I can't see it until my birthday. He also mentioned that he told our friend Summer what it is. I now have to wait 2 months for this mystery gift. I tried to ask Summer what the gift is, but she wouldn't tell me. She said I'd love it and that it's a "no pressure" gift along the lines of something we'd talked about yesterday. Before Jon told me that he actually bought the gift, I had told Summer that it was kind of cool that he had already found a gift he wanted to give me, and that I felt super selfish in hoping it was like a necklace or earrings or something. I haven't had a boyfriend for many birthdays, and I was feeling silly getting my hopes up about that kind of thing.
So, since Summer has at least hinted that may be something along those lines, I feel like I have actually gotten my hopes up. I also feel like now my gift for him is not good enough. I know that he'll love it just because it's from me. And I know that no matter what he gives me, I'll love it. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. Do I know if Summer is telling me the truth? No. I honestly have no clue what he's gotten me, and it's already killing me that I'll have to wait until July to know what it is. But at the same time, I actually want to be surprised. Since I have a habit of ruining surprises for myself, I want this one. I'm excited not to know, just as much as I'm anxious not knowing.
So, Jon has to wait until Saturday for his birthday present, I have to wait until July 14th. It's going to be a long 2 months...
Friday, April 18, 2014
Back to Basics (aka Return to Overthinking)
It's Spring Break part 2 for my students. They get extra time off for Easter since their Spring Break was about a month ago. While after the end of Winter Guard and just before the whirlwind of auditions this break is very appreciated, I'm already bored and over thinking everything in my life.
There's so much going on. I want to write about everything but I'm being a tad superstitious and don't want to jinx anything. So instead I'll tell you a story of how absolutely crazy I can be and what I did earlier this week.
Monday morning Jon left my house as I was leaving for work. When I got home I met up with my friend Summer for shopping and lunch. It was fun times. I had text Jon asking if he'd made it home ok, and there was absolutely no response for HOURS. I sent a few little text messages in the mean time, thinking he just didn't hear/feel his phone with the first one. I had this weird uneasy feeling when he left that morning. I had a nightmare during the night that something happened to him or that we broke up, I don't remember exactly but it wasn't a good dream, and it had put me on edge. So my mind was already going through millions of weird scenarios when he left that morning, and with the absence of response, my mind was beginning to jump to crazy conclusions.
What if he's hurt? What if he got in an accident? What if he's just sick of me? What if he wants nothing to do with me? Is he mad at me? Did I say or do something wrong?
I hate to admit it, but I am TOTALLY that girl sometimes. Probably (definitely) more than I'd like to admit.
Summer saw how on edge I was getting. I wasn't really able to enjoy our friend time because I was getting really anxious. Eventually he got back to me. I was visibly relieved and let out an audible sigh when I head the "pixie dust" of my phone (That's what Summer calls his text tone haha). Instantly I felt a wave of regret after the initial relief. I probably sounded completely crazy to him. Remember how I said I didn't want worrying about one problem to cause a different problem? I felt like I was going down that road again. He was, as always, a sweetheart and tried to put me at ease. He apologized for not responding sooner and said he left his phone on the charger and just didn't hear it. A completely normal thing.
I should've felt better after that, and I did, but not really. I've still felt a little anxious and self-conscious all week. I've been trying really hard NOT to be that girl and to not be too overbearing. I feel like we've talked less this week than we have in recent weeks as a result. And I feel like I'm saying things like "I miss you," "I wish you were here/I was there," WAY too much.
Look, back to my old overthinking ways! That's not a good thing, friends. Not good at all.
When it comes down to it, the relationship is still "new" but not that new anymore. I've been dating Jon since January (or August if you ask match maker Summer, who insists that our relationship has really be years in the making and shouldn't be limited to just when things became "official".). Maybe I'm just anxious that the "newness" is gone and he'll be over me. I'm not sure, but the anxiousness was just not going away. I was having weird mood swings most of the week.
Fast forward to last night. All of yesterday (when I wrote a good portion of this post) I was feeling anxious and couldn't do much to get myself to calm down. I've been trying to diet/exercise so stress eating was really out of the question (except if you count my pop corn and grapes binge... sounds weird but they go together nicely). Video games where making me more anxious so that wasn't the right outlet. I tried to exercise, but since I've been trying to work out everyday and my body is DEFINITELY NOT used to that, I was really struggling and it only make me more moody.
Jon had text me to ask about my day, I tried to leave out the parts about anxiety and such, because I didn't want to just complain to him. He mentioned he took the day off work, and had fixed his truck. As the night went on I finally broke down about how anxious I was and I really couldn't figure out what it was. I was afraid of sounding completely needy (which I even said to him).
What does he do? He offers to drive all the way out to my house just to see me. We originally planned on meeting halfway but he decided to just come over instead. For those keeping track at home, he drove 45 minutes, just because he wanted me to be less anxious. When he got here he talked with my parents a bit, he's really good about things like that. We talked in my room for a while. Made lots of jokes. He had me laughing so hard my face hurt. He just laid there hugging me. He stayed as late as he could (about 2:45am) before he needed to go home. I was so happy that he did that. He said he wanted to see me, and since he knew I was feeling really "meh" he thought he'd come over.
I'm still slightly anxious this morning, but this is the first time all week that I feel somewhat rested from sleeping. I really feel like I've won the lottery with him. He continues to surprise me and make me feel so loved and happy.
There's so much going on. I want to write about everything but I'm being a tad superstitious and don't want to jinx anything. So instead I'll tell you a story of how absolutely crazy I can be and what I did earlier this week.
Monday morning Jon left my house as I was leaving for work. When I got home I met up with my friend Summer for shopping and lunch. It was fun times. I had text Jon asking if he'd made it home ok, and there was absolutely no response for HOURS. I sent a few little text messages in the mean time, thinking he just didn't hear/feel his phone with the first one. I had this weird uneasy feeling when he left that morning. I had a nightmare during the night that something happened to him or that we broke up, I don't remember exactly but it wasn't a good dream, and it had put me on edge. So my mind was already going through millions of weird scenarios when he left that morning, and with the absence of response, my mind was beginning to jump to crazy conclusions.
What if he's hurt? What if he got in an accident? What if he's just sick of me? What if he wants nothing to do with me? Is he mad at me? Did I say or do something wrong?
I hate to admit it, but I am TOTALLY that girl sometimes. Probably (definitely) more than I'd like to admit.
Summer saw how on edge I was getting. I wasn't really able to enjoy our friend time because I was getting really anxious. Eventually he got back to me. I was visibly relieved and let out an audible sigh when I head the "pixie dust" of my phone (That's what Summer calls his text tone haha). Instantly I felt a wave of regret after the initial relief. I probably sounded completely crazy to him. Remember how I said I didn't want worrying about one problem to cause a different problem? I felt like I was going down that road again. He was, as always, a sweetheart and tried to put me at ease. He apologized for not responding sooner and said he left his phone on the charger and just didn't hear it. A completely normal thing.
I should've felt better after that, and I did, but not really. I've still felt a little anxious and self-conscious all week. I've been trying really hard NOT to be that girl and to not be too overbearing. I feel like we've talked less this week than we have in recent weeks as a result. And I feel like I'm saying things like "I miss you," "I wish you were here/I was there," WAY too much.
Look, back to my old overthinking ways! That's not a good thing, friends. Not good at all.
When it comes down to it, the relationship is still "new" but not that new anymore. I've been dating Jon since January (or August if you ask match maker Summer, who insists that our relationship has really be years in the making and shouldn't be limited to just when things became "official".). Maybe I'm just anxious that the "newness" is gone and he'll be over me. I'm not sure, but the anxiousness was just not going away. I was having weird mood swings most of the week.
Fast forward to last night. All of yesterday (when I wrote a good portion of this post) I was feeling anxious and couldn't do much to get myself to calm down. I've been trying to diet/exercise so stress eating was really out of the question (except if you count my pop corn and grapes binge... sounds weird but they go together nicely). Video games where making me more anxious so that wasn't the right outlet. I tried to exercise, but since I've been trying to work out everyday and my body is DEFINITELY NOT used to that, I was really struggling and it only make me more moody.
Jon had text me to ask about my day, I tried to leave out the parts about anxiety and such, because I didn't want to just complain to him. He mentioned he took the day off work, and had fixed his truck. As the night went on I finally broke down about how anxious I was and I really couldn't figure out what it was. I was afraid of sounding completely needy (which I even said to him).
What does he do? He offers to drive all the way out to my house just to see me. We originally planned on meeting halfway but he decided to just come over instead. For those keeping track at home, he drove 45 minutes, just because he wanted me to be less anxious. When he got here he talked with my parents a bit, he's really good about things like that. We talked in my room for a while. Made lots of jokes. He had me laughing so hard my face hurt. He just laid there hugging me. He stayed as late as he could (about 2:45am) before he needed to go home. I was so happy that he did that. He said he wanted to see me, and since he knew I was feeling really "meh" he thought he'd come over.
I'm still slightly anxious this morning, but this is the first time all week that I feel somewhat rested from sleeping. I really feel like I've won the lottery with him. He continues to surprise me and make me feel so loved and happy.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Ring Pressure
As you get older, you go through stages where it seems like everyone around you is doing something except for you. I've already experienced several of these moments. Everyone getting their first boyfriends/girlfriends; everyone graduating; everyone finding a job; I am now to the point in my life where it seems like everyone is getting married.
In the last 3-4 years, I have been to 5 weddings, and I'm going to at least 2 more this year. I have heard about many more weddings recently through the grapevine (aka social media/text gossip). It's so strange to me that people I know (some older, many younger than me) are getting hitched. I gave my sister a hard time when she got married because I felt like they were both really young. They were 23. That still seems very young to me, but at the same time younger me would've pictured myself married by now. I'm going to be 27 in a few months (I feel ancient realizing that it's only about 3 months from now, ugh). I had always thought that I would be married and have kids before I was 30. Now, I just hope that I'm married by 30 (Kids would still be nice before then, but preferably after the whole marriage thing).
Now, unless you've been paying almost zero attention when reading these blogs, you should know that I have a boyfriend at the moment. We've been dating about 3 months now. That's a long time to me, but that's only because my last 2 relationships lasted about 1-2 months, about 5 years ago. So while we've both used the L word, it hasn't gotten to the point where we've talked about a long term plan or anything.
My friend Summer set us up, and since sending our first few texts (MONTHS before our first date) she has been planning our wedding. I'm not talking seriously planning, because that would be weird on so many levels. I'm talking, teasing about where we'd have it, what the bridesmaids would wear (apparently pockets are a must), honeymoon ideas, etc. For the longest time I kept these little teasing moments to myself. Then the teasing spread. Soon after meeting him for the first time, my students began saying stuff about wedding bells. (They all want to be invited, and they also think I should get married in Europe. An idea I'm totally not against since I really want to visit Europe anyway.)
I recently started telling Jon about these moments, for better or worse. So far he has been a good sport about it. I haven't seen any eye rolls or heard any groans. While he hasn't really made any outright statements about it being too soon or not a possibility (and he obviously hasn't gotten on one knee with a ring), he has made a few comments that make him at least appear to be ok with the idea. He talks about things down the road. Not too far into the future but far enough that I know he wants this relationship to last.
Shortly after becoming "official" I met a lot of his family at his mom's birthday lunch. His aunt pointed out to me then that I must be special if he brought me to see his family. My parents have made comments themselves. My dad said that he was around Jon's age when he started dating my mom. He said that at that age (he'll be 29 next month for the record), a guy isn't really messing around and they really only bring girls home if it's serious. I should also add that Jon had been talking about me meeting his family since well before actually becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.
At this wedding we went to together recently, it got to that point in the evening for the bouquet and guarder toss. Now, my mom has pretty much had to force me to take part in these events at past weddings (partially because I was bitter and single). This time, I was out of my seat without a word from anyone. My shocked mother said in front of the whole table (my parents, brother, boyfriend, high school friend and band director/boss) that she was so shocked that I was willingly taking part. I did not catch the bouquet, but I participated. When the guarder toss happened, Jon kind of helped get my brother out on to the floor to take part. While he was there, my dad and boss said some cheeky stuff. Boss: "Let's see if he goes for it." Dad: "Yeah. If he dives for it, I'm in trouble." I was probably 10 shades of red. And while he didn't catch the guarder, I did see that he kind of tried.
With these things all buzzing through my head, it's really hard not to think about what could be. Since I've been hurt before, it's hard to think about anything more than a few months down the road without giving myself an anxiety attack. Let's go back to my friend Summer. She has said a few times now that she hopes she isn't putting wedding pressure on me. She doesn't want me to feel obligated to want to marry Jon. And I guess I don't feel pressure exactly. There is that pang of longing for something that many people around me seem to have or be close to having, but I don't feel pressured to get engaged right now.
But what if? There's always a what if. Looking at the situation from an objective, clinical point of view, it is WAY too soon to even be considering something like marriage. We've been in a relationship 3 months, dating 4-5 months, talking for about 8 months (ok, now that seems crazy haha. Doesn't feel that long all, but I digress). We still have SO much we need to learn about each other. He is still in school. I am looking for a real job. We haven't even talked about what it is we want in the future (kids, settling down, etc.). And, we've never been in a fight (I'm already bracing myself for when that finally happens, cuz it will eventually, but I'm not actively seeking it out haha).
Looking at it from an emotional point of view, I am head over heels for this boy. I read old text messages from him all the time. I think about him all the time. I feel happiest in the moments when I can just lay in his arms. We have inside jokes that will get me laughing to the point of squeaking/hyperventilating. He finds it adorable/funny when I say unintentionally dirty things. I love that I can crochet him a Skryim helmet and Bofur hat, and he actually wears them. I love that OTHER PEOPLE say he looks happiest and smiles biggest when he's around me. I love that we can go to an arcade and be little kids together. I love that he's supportive and goes to my kids shows with me. I love that when I'm having a bad day he wants to drop what he's doing and make me feel better. Or when I was crying during a particularly bad day/situation, he just wanted to make me feel better the rest of the day.
The long and short of it (because I've already rambled about this too much): if he asked, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but you better believe there'd be MANY things to talk about before an actual walk down the aisle.
In the last 3-4 years, I have been to 5 weddings, and I'm going to at least 2 more this year. I have heard about many more weddings recently through the grapevine (aka social media/text gossip). It's so strange to me that people I know (some older, many younger than me) are getting hitched. I gave my sister a hard time when she got married because I felt like they were both really young. They were 23. That still seems very young to me, but at the same time younger me would've pictured myself married by now. I'm going to be 27 in a few months (I feel ancient realizing that it's only about 3 months from now, ugh). I had always thought that I would be married and have kids before I was 30. Now, I just hope that I'm married by 30 (Kids would still be nice before then, but preferably after the whole marriage thing).
Now, unless you've been paying almost zero attention when reading these blogs, you should know that I have a boyfriend at the moment. We've been dating about 3 months now. That's a long time to me, but that's only because my last 2 relationships lasted about 1-2 months, about 5 years ago. So while we've both used the L word, it hasn't gotten to the point where we've talked about a long term plan or anything.
My friend Summer set us up, and since sending our first few texts (MONTHS before our first date) she has been planning our wedding. I'm not talking seriously planning, because that would be weird on so many levels. I'm talking, teasing about where we'd have it, what the bridesmaids would wear (apparently pockets are a must), honeymoon ideas, etc. For the longest time I kept these little teasing moments to myself. Then the teasing spread. Soon after meeting him for the first time, my students began saying stuff about wedding bells. (They all want to be invited, and they also think I should get married in Europe. An idea I'm totally not against since I really want to visit Europe anyway.)
I recently started telling Jon about these moments, for better or worse. So far he has been a good sport about it. I haven't seen any eye rolls or heard any groans. While he hasn't really made any outright statements about it being too soon or not a possibility (and he obviously hasn't gotten on one knee with a ring), he has made a few comments that make him at least appear to be ok with the idea. He talks about things down the road. Not too far into the future but far enough that I know he wants this relationship to last.
Shortly after becoming "official" I met a lot of his family at his mom's birthday lunch. His aunt pointed out to me then that I must be special if he brought me to see his family. My parents have made comments themselves. My dad said that he was around Jon's age when he started dating my mom. He said that at that age (he'll be 29 next month for the record), a guy isn't really messing around and they really only bring girls home if it's serious. I should also add that Jon had been talking about me meeting his family since well before actually becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.
At this wedding we went to together recently, it got to that point in the evening for the bouquet and guarder toss. Now, my mom has pretty much had to force me to take part in these events at past weddings (partially because I was bitter and single). This time, I was out of my seat without a word from anyone. My shocked mother said in front of the whole table (my parents, brother, boyfriend, high school friend and band director/boss) that she was so shocked that I was willingly taking part. I did not catch the bouquet, but I participated. When the guarder toss happened, Jon kind of helped get my brother out on to the floor to take part. While he was there, my dad and boss said some cheeky stuff. Boss: "Let's see if he goes for it." Dad: "Yeah. If he dives for it, I'm in trouble." I was probably 10 shades of red. And while he didn't catch the guarder, I did see that he kind of tried.
With these things all buzzing through my head, it's really hard not to think about what could be. Since I've been hurt before, it's hard to think about anything more than a few months down the road without giving myself an anxiety attack. Let's go back to my friend Summer. She has said a few times now that she hopes she isn't putting wedding pressure on me. She doesn't want me to feel obligated to want to marry Jon. And I guess I don't feel pressure exactly. There is that pang of longing for something that many people around me seem to have or be close to having, but I don't feel pressured to get engaged right now.
But what if? There's always a what if. Looking at the situation from an objective, clinical point of view, it is WAY too soon to even be considering something like marriage. We've been in a relationship 3 months, dating 4-5 months, talking for about 8 months (ok, now that seems crazy haha. Doesn't feel that long all, but I digress). We still have SO much we need to learn about each other. He is still in school. I am looking for a real job. We haven't even talked about what it is we want in the future (kids, settling down, etc.). And, we've never been in a fight (I'm already bracing myself for when that finally happens, cuz it will eventually, but I'm not actively seeking it out haha).
Looking at it from an emotional point of view, I am head over heels for this boy. I read old text messages from him all the time. I think about him all the time. I feel happiest in the moments when I can just lay in his arms. We have inside jokes that will get me laughing to the point of squeaking/hyperventilating. He finds it adorable/funny when I say unintentionally dirty things. I love that I can crochet him a Skryim helmet and Bofur hat, and he actually wears them. I love that OTHER PEOPLE say he looks happiest and smiles biggest when he's around me. I love that we can go to an arcade and be little kids together. I love that he's supportive and goes to my kids shows with me. I love that when I'm having a bad day he wants to drop what he's doing and make me feel better. Or when I was crying during a particularly bad day/situation, he just wanted to make me feel better the rest of the day.
The long and short of it (because I've already rambled about this too much): if he asked, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but you better believe there'd be MANY things to talk about before an actual walk down the aisle.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Summer Love
It's only been Spring for a short time, but apparently Southern California thought it was long enough and skipped ahead to Summer. It's 75 degrees on a Wednesday night in April, and I sit here in shorts and a tank top, with my fan on and all my bedroom windows open. It may sound as though I'm complaining, but far from it. I love the Summer time. Yes, I get that I don't necessarily need to capitalize it, but I love the season so much, I think it deserves it.
Nights like tonight make me really homesick. That sounds silly since I happen to be at home right now. But the Summer time feels the most like home. Yes, it has the perks of no school and beautiful weather, but that's not it. There's that something that can't exactly be described. A feeling in the air. It makes me think back to quiet moments on tour, where I could just appreciate the sunset in whatever state we happened to be in at that moment. The cool breeze at twilight through the trees. Sitting on my bed with a beer watching whatever cable show happens to be on that evening (let's be honest, usually True Blood). Sitting on the patio with friends talking about nothing in particular. Playing ping pong in the driveway with my neighbors. Driving through the desert at night, staring up at the stars. The smell of the field during the last bit of sun at band camp.
I have this weird anxious feeling tonight, too. I know it's just because I have to sub tomorrow and it's going to be a very long day (dance classes of 50-60 students each, then 2 hour rehearsal with my guard kids), but it's also part of the Summer feeling. I think I always get that anxious feeling at night in the Summer because I don't want it to end. I love when the heat, then cool evenings. I love the sunrise that just feels brighter than other seasons. I love how refreshing a cool glass of water feels. And I just hate that eventually the Summer will end.
This Summer I feel will be different. This is the first time in years I have someone I can really share my Summer with. Granted, I've had my fair share of Summer romances... in fact, I think 90% of my relationships were Summer/Drum Corps related. But this is the first time since being an actual "adult" that I have someone to spend my time with. I'm so excited to experience all of the things that make me love the Summer time with the man I love. (I feel really super cheesy having just said that. I will need to play a few more hours of video games after writing this so I don't feel like that girl anymore haha.)
Nights like tonight make me really homesick. That sounds silly since I happen to be at home right now. But the Summer time feels the most like home. Yes, it has the perks of no school and beautiful weather, but that's not it. There's that something that can't exactly be described. A feeling in the air. It makes me think back to quiet moments on tour, where I could just appreciate the sunset in whatever state we happened to be in at that moment. The cool breeze at twilight through the trees. Sitting on my bed with a beer watching whatever cable show happens to be on that evening (let's be honest, usually True Blood). Sitting on the patio with friends talking about nothing in particular. Playing ping pong in the driveway with my neighbors. Driving through the desert at night, staring up at the stars. The smell of the field during the last bit of sun at band camp.
I have this weird anxious feeling tonight, too. I know it's just because I have to sub tomorrow and it's going to be a very long day (dance classes of 50-60 students each, then 2 hour rehearsal with my guard kids), but it's also part of the Summer feeling. I think I always get that anxious feeling at night in the Summer because I don't want it to end. I love when the heat, then cool evenings. I love the sunrise that just feels brighter than other seasons. I love how refreshing a cool glass of water feels. And I just hate that eventually the Summer will end.
This Summer I feel will be different. This is the first time in years I have someone I can really share my Summer with. Granted, I've had my fair share of Summer romances... in fact, I think 90% of my relationships were Summer/Drum Corps related. But this is the first time since being an actual "adult" that I have someone to spend my time with. I'm so excited to experience all of the things that make me love the Summer time with the man I love. (I feel really super cheesy having just said that. I will need to play a few more hours of video games after writing this so I don't feel like that girl anymore haha.)
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Tripsy
Earlier today I was watching the show 19 Kids & Counting... on TLC with my dad. We were commenting on the differences in their lifestyle to our own and having some father-daughter bonding time. Then they showed just an exterior shot of the country side around wherever they were (somewhere in Arkansas, I honestly don't know where since this was probably my second time ever seeing the show). I mentioned to my dad that I'd love to go to the South again, for non-drum corps reasons, and not in the middle of the summer haha. My dad took a long road trip around the country when he was in his early 20's to commemorate the bicentennial, and had always told stories about how beautiful things were. He talked about how I should do it, and that I'd love it. Then he added this little bit, "You and Jon should go."(Admittedly, he said this after I mentioned Jon has family in the South. My dad said use visiting his family as an excuse for the road trip.)
This is now at least the second time that one of my parents has suggested an out-of-town trip Jon and I should take. Last week my mom was saying that we should go to Santa Maria for the Strawberry Festival. Not as extreme of a trip as say visiting Louisiana haha, but still something that would involve me and my boyfriend staying the night in a hotel together.
My parents tend to be traditional people. They have always instilled in us things like waiting until marriage to have sex or live together. (Well, I didn't really follow the first part, & I guess we'll see about the second.) But despite this, about a month or so into dating Jon, my mom suggested he should bring an overnight bag when he comes over. He was already staying until 4 or 5 in the morning as it was, and she figured it would be safer for him to just stay the night. Of course she said he should stay in my brother's room. And of course I pointed out that I have a fold out bed in my room and we have been "using" that when he comes over. We pulled out the bed the first weekend but have since given up the pretense since we figure my parents aren't really fooled, and they haven't said anything about it (yet).
I've since stayed at his house, we took a trip to San Diego for a night, and have spent countless nights at our friend's house after parties. I just booked the hotel for a joint birthday trip to Vegas in June. Since his birthday is May and mine is July (almost exactly 2 months apart to the day), and I couldn't find an open weekend near his birthday to plan a trip, he thought we should split the difference and do a trip to celebrate both of our birthdays. I recently read in some article (probably on Buzzfeed, or Cosmo, or something) that it is a good sign if a couple can travel together without getting into a fight. While San Diego has been the only "trip" we've taken so far, I feel like it's encouraging that we did not argue on that trip despite some mishaps that happened.
It is always kind of funny to me how things that should be normal adult dating things are a big deal to me. When you have parents who are more traditional, and you happen to live at home into your late 20s because the economy sucks and you couldn't afford your own place to save your life, it feels strange to to do "normal" things. Its a huge deal to me that my parents like Jon enough to suggest places for us to travel to, and that they don't freak out that he "basically lives here on the weekend." (Direct quote from my dad.) Especially for my dad to suggest going on an extended trip across the country, seems like a huge thing. This is like his way of saying his likes him, without actually having to say those words.
On Saturday we went to a friend's wedding. It was a Star Wars themed wedding and could not have been more entertaining. But the reason I bring that up here, as part of the ceremony, the officiant recited part of Oh, The Places You'll Go. Its exciting to think of trips that Jon and I will take together. Whether we will actually take the trips my parents suggested is up in the air, but the possibilities are exciting. And it's not just about the actually trips to different places that I'm talking about. I'm excited for the emotional trips we will take. The experiences we will share as a couple are like a journey. There will be bumps in the road and we may take some detours, but I'm excited to take that trip with him.
This is now at least the second time that one of my parents has suggested an out-of-town trip Jon and I should take. Last week my mom was saying that we should go to Santa Maria for the Strawberry Festival. Not as extreme of a trip as say visiting Louisiana haha, but still something that would involve me and my boyfriend staying the night in a hotel together.
My parents tend to be traditional people. They have always instilled in us things like waiting until marriage to have sex or live together. (Well, I didn't really follow the first part, & I guess we'll see about the second.) But despite this, about a month or so into dating Jon, my mom suggested he should bring an overnight bag when he comes over. He was already staying until 4 or 5 in the morning as it was, and she figured it would be safer for him to just stay the night. Of course she said he should stay in my brother's room. And of course I pointed out that I have a fold out bed in my room and we have been "using" that when he comes over. We pulled out the bed the first weekend but have since given up the pretense since we figure my parents aren't really fooled, and they haven't said anything about it (yet).
I've since stayed at his house, we took a trip to San Diego for a night, and have spent countless nights at our friend's house after parties. I just booked the hotel for a joint birthday trip to Vegas in June. Since his birthday is May and mine is July (almost exactly 2 months apart to the day), and I couldn't find an open weekend near his birthday to plan a trip, he thought we should split the difference and do a trip to celebrate both of our birthdays. I recently read in some article (probably on Buzzfeed, or Cosmo, or something) that it is a good sign if a couple can travel together without getting into a fight. While San Diego has been the only "trip" we've taken so far, I feel like it's encouraging that we did not argue on that trip despite some mishaps that happened.
It is always kind of funny to me how things that should be normal adult dating things are a big deal to me. When you have parents who are more traditional, and you happen to live at home into your late 20s because the economy sucks and you couldn't afford your own place to save your life, it feels strange to to do "normal" things. Its a huge deal to me that my parents like Jon enough to suggest places for us to travel to, and that they don't freak out that he "basically lives here on the weekend." (Direct quote from my dad.) Especially for my dad to suggest going on an extended trip across the country, seems like a huge thing. This is like his way of saying his likes him, without actually having to say those words.
On Saturday we went to a friend's wedding. It was a Star Wars themed wedding and could not have been more entertaining. But the reason I bring that up here, as part of the ceremony, the officiant recited part of Oh, The Places You'll Go. Its exciting to think of trips that Jon and I will take together. Whether we will actually take the trips my parents suggested is up in the air, but the possibilities are exciting. And it's not just about the actually trips to different places that I'm talking about. I'm excited for the emotional trips we will take. The experiences we will share as a couple are like a journey. There will be bumps in the road and we may take some detours, but I'm excited to take that trip with him.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Letting Go
How I can tell I have abandonment/relationship issues:
My boyfriend (who is really awesome and makes me extremely happy) texts me while on his lunch break. I say "I miss you," then immediately say, "Let me know if I'm annoying you with the 'I miss you' texts."
His response: "Ok, but it doesn't bother me. Do you know why? Because I love you."
He tells me he loves me and misses me just as much as I say it to him. I just still have fears from past relationships. I feel like I need to apologize even though he doesn't have a problem with it. Almost every guy I dated before said that I was too clingy. And (so far) this hasn't been an issue with Jon. I'm beginning to worry about 2 different things.
1) He will eventually find me clingy. We've been "official" for about 2 and a half months. That's really not a long time at all. Still longer than my last 2 relationships, but that's besides the point. I just don't want to push him away because I want to see him more. He tells me all the time sweet things, like "I'm counting the days until I can see you again." I feel like that's something guys only say in movies. But he says stuff like that to me all the time. We genuinely have a good time together and since we only get to see each other on weekends, the rest of the week can feel like torture. That's extreme, but you get what I'm saying. He actually misses spending time with me. He tells me how he wakes up at home and goes to reach for me and is depressed when he realizes I'm not there.
2) He will get annoyed with me apologizing. I don't want to be so worried about a past problem that isn't really a problem and end up creating a whole new problem.
Jon and I haven't really talked too in depth about past relationships yet, so he doesn't know all the things that led me to being so insecure and worried about things like that. I also don't know much about his past relationships.
But, funny story, asshat called the other day... while Jon and I were in the middle of... stuff. haha. It was the middle of the afternoon and my phone was on my night stand. So when he heard it vibrating I asked him who it was. For some reason I had been getting a lot of texts that day from other people, so I thought it was maybe my friend Summer. NOPE! It was asshat. Now, in my phone I usually put how I know people as part of the contact info. So when my mom calls, it says her name then Mother under it. Well, even for my exes I have in there Ex-Boyfriend. It's silly, and kind of just my uber organized side coming out. Jon saw this and asked, "Is that the one with the DUI?" haha I had never mentioned asshats name to him, yet he still knew. I had only mentioned those things a few times, and I always said "my friend" because I didn't want to sound like I was just complaining about an ex. Silly of me for not being more straight forward with him. Anyway, I laughed... like, really laughed for a few minutes. I told Jon to answer, but he didn't do it before the phone went to voicemail. I ended up playing the voicemail on speaker. It was some silly long story about needing my sister's number so that he could find out for a friend where to take a flute to get repaired in LA. Asshat is friends with my sister on FaceBook, he could've messaged her on there if he needed her number that badly. Jon said, "he's looking for an excuse to call you." Which I agreed with.
I had recently posted a posted a picture on instagram of me and my siblings when we were little, and asshat had liked it. I was a little weirded out that he liked it. It's such a first world problem haha. I had stopped friending/following him on social media shortly after my first date with Jon, because I didn't want there to be any problems. I didn't think asshat would get jealous necessarily, but I also didn't really want to keep up what friendship was left with him with Jon entering the scene. So when asshat liked the picture, I thought it was really strange. My friend said it wasn't really that weird since it wasn't like a picture of me and Jon or anything like that (though he did like a picture I posted before of Jon and I, and I found it really strange then too). For asshat to then call just a few days later was a little too much interaction for me. I didn't make a big deal about it in front of Jon. At least I tried not to. I ended up texting my sister his number and telling her the situation so she could get in contact with him herself. I never returned contact with him, nor do I ever plan on doing so. I have no reason to talk to him. He was a shitty friend, and even though there is history there, that history is why we can't be friends.
The point of that little side story, is that I'm still really affected by asshat. He isn't the only boy to ever hurt me, but he is by far the one to hurt me the most. He is a major reason why I'm so scared that telling Jon I miss him too much will push him away. That I apologize before there is any reason to apologize. I can't put all the blame on him, like I said he isn't the only one, and I know that I need to overcome these stupid insecurities. I wrote in my last post about how I really can see a future with Jon, and I need to let go of the insecurities if I really want that future to happen. I'm really trying hard. I already feel like I'm a much stronger and confident person because of Jon. He probably doesn't know it, and he hasn't done anything in particular but be supportive and patient with me.
So, this is me just venting a little and making some kind of public promise to stop being so worried about losing a boy who has made it very clear he isn't going anywhere. Love is scary and until you overcome the the fears and insecurities, giving your heart to the other person entirely, you won't love as fully as possible. (That made so much more sense in my head, but I'm hoping you get what I mean).
Side note, I put the 'Frozen'-esque title for this post, but I actually didn't really care for the movie. I don't know if it just had too much singing or if my inner hipster is showing, but I just did not think it was as amazing as everyone else thought it was.
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