The Hunting Ground

I've been watching the documentary called The Hunting Ground this morning. That and the the recent news about the Stanford rape case, had brought up a lot of really repressed feelings. In August 2008 I was sexually assaulted. I don't really talk about it because I don't want to think about it. When I do think about it, my anxiety and depression do get much worse. I'm sure now that I'm seeing a psychologist, but with it being so ever present in the news lately, I've been forced to think about it.

When it happened I was too scared to press charges. I was just so focused on being back to "normal" that I didn't want to pursue it. I also didn't think that he would get any punishment. So why put myself through more grief? The rape kit didn't find any DNA evidence, I was blackout drunk, and the only thing I could really tell was that I woke up naked with him touching my butt. To me, I didn't seem like I had a case so why go through having to talk to him again or having to talk to more police? I already had to deal with my thoughts and my mom constantly looking at me like I was broken, or like she had failed.

To be honest, things did go back to normal relatively quick, so it was easy to push it out of my mind. I know a lot of people know what happened to me, but the one who knows the most is one of my best friends. She was there, unaware that anything happened until the next morning. Our other friend that was there, who I thought I was closer with, pretty much stopped talking to me afterward. I think she felt guilty, which I didn't want, but as my psychologist told me, I can't control how other people think/react.

I keep having to pause this documentary. I've wanted to watch it since I saw it nominated for an Academy Award. But because I can relate to these girls (and a few guys) so much, I can't just watch it all the way through. It happened to me in a college town, near one of the biggest LA schools (UCLA), but it wasn't a school where I was a student nor was the other person a student. Still, hearing how helpless these girls feel, I felt the same way.

I don't even know why I'm writing this right now. Probably because I'm home alone, with no one to talk with about this stuff. The person I'm closest to in the world I still have a hard time telling about this. Jon knows, but I didn't go in to detail about it. I've blocked so much out that it's just flashes of memories anyway. But I love him so much, I don't want him to hurt at all hearing about these things. I'm just a little mess right now.

Stop comparing

I have had a million things going on in my life since my last post on here. Some not so great, like having to go to the ER 3 times (& stay overnight 4ish nights) in 1 week... leaving me out of work for almost a month and minus yet another organ in my body (later, gallbladder). Some great, like becoming an aunt, having a great job, and moving in with my boyfriend.

But despite the good things, I keep comparing myself.

I know that there really is no need to compare myself to anyone. You do you, and stuff. But I feel like I'm developmentally behind. I'm 28. In 2016 I will enter into my last year in my 20s. Not that I feel the "doom" of 30 per se, but I definitely feel like I'm behind on so many things. I'll start with what has me really down right now. I got some AMAZING news from one of my best friend's the other day. I am totally excited for her, but completely jealous all at once. Summer just told me and Jennee she's pregnant. She's due in July (I told her she already got married on my birthday, so she should have her baby that day too... I mean, it's a good day (: ) I could not be more excited for her. I get to be an "aunt" to another little bundle of joy. I'm totally happy for her, but later that night, I was balling about this. Jon kept trying to get me to tell him why I was upset. I gave him part of the answer, that I was worried I wouldn't get to see her as much, which is part of why I was sad. She's my closest friend and I'm sad I won't get to have random coffee dates or shopping dates with her. But the complete truth was, I'm jealous. Summer is 3 weeks younger than me, and she's been married for 3 years, and now going to have a child. Those are things that I thought I would have at this point in my life. Between this, my friend Christie just having a SECOND child, and my sister now being a mom, I can definitely feel that biological clock ticking.

Eventually I told Jon the complete truth. And how I'm worried about being an old mom, if I'll be able to have kids, if they'll be healthy. I've told him several times that I want to start trying by 30. In my head, I want to be done with having kids by 34-35. That seems so old to me. But then again, my mom had me when she was 26, same as me sister, so my baseline says I'm already behind.

BUT, this has me getting more impatient and comparing myself more on yet another topic, marriage. I have several friends that have gotten engaged this past year, or are recently married. I've known Jon was the one since about 3-4 months in to dating. We've been together 2 years now. We've been living together over a month. We had a 30-day money back guarantee on the apartment, so we've been teasing each other "Want to back out yet?" "Annoyed yet?" And the answer has consistently been "no" from both of us. I could not be more content. I worried so much about him driving home late at night. I even asked him to text me when he would get home. Now, I get woken up with a kiss on the forehead or feeling his arms wrap around me, and I know that he's safe. My parents were surprisingly onboard about us moving in before marriage, but they now ask almost daily if questions have been popped yet. My dad said he's "counting the days" that we're "living in sin." Thanks, dad. I already brought it up a bunch, and he's assured me that it will happen, but I feel like it needs to happen now. I want it to happen now. And I know it's a 2-way street. But he tells me he wants it too. He's just trying to pay off bills and save up for a ring. I even told him I don't need one, because the ring is just a symbol. But it's a really beautiful, shiny symbol that if I'm being honest with myself, I want so much.

Between babies and marriage, I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I would love to say that in 2016 I'm getting married and knocked up, in that order. But I don't think either will happen. Not really things I can add to a "New Years Resolution" list. Both of those depend on the man I love, and him wanting to make those things happen as well. But I can work on comparing less, and having a hell of a lot more patience. I really have been working on the latter. I'm getting better but it's a slow process. Comparing less will be a challenge, because it's something I've done pretty much my whole life. But I know that everyone is different. There's no "right" way to do anything in life. Things will happen as they're supposed to happen.

Exciting Changes... Exciting changes....

So much has happened since the last time I actually sat down to write something on here. It's really crazy. In the last few months I: started to really love the place I worked, was given a pink slip, got to teach the boot camp hell that is summer school, flew across the Pacific ocean with my favorite person, visiting a beautiful place I never thought I would get to see, got see where both Jon's Dad and my Dad spent their late teens/early 20s, became another year closer to 30, went to almost 20(!!!) interviews, finally got a full-time teaching job that could (hopefully) last for the long haul, and sadly, I will soon be officially leaving my coaching job of nearly 10 years. The last 3-4 months have been so crazy. I feel like I have grown so much but I still feel so overwhelmed.

It's about 8:30pm right now... I only got home from work about an hour ago. No, I wasn't at a rehearsal or anything. I was just at the high school doing teaching stuff and meetings until close to 7pm. I know that teachers put in a lot of hours "outside the classroom" but I didn't think I would be doing all that from inside my classroom until almost sun down.

My classroom... it's still such a crazy concept. I mean, I know that I have been teaching (or at least trying to) for about 5 years now, but it's still so exciting to say MY classroom. It's not perfect. I actually have a million things I want to change, but this is at least a starting point. It's only the 3rd week of the school year, but it really feels like it's just flying by. It's actually quite overwhelming.

So, I got this job at Edgewood High School in West Covina. It was actually my 3rd interview for the school. For whatever reason they didn't pick me after the 2nd round. I got the rejection letter and was bummed but not too surprised because it is an IB school (very goal oriented, high achieving, etc.) and I have gotten a million rejects this summer, so what's another one? The next day I see the job posted again. WTF?! So more so out of spite and frustration I figured "fuck it!" and applied again. I honestly thought I wouldn't get another interview because they'd recognize my name and not want to see me again. My mistake! I got called a few days later. I interviewed Thursday (going straight to another interview and then to rehearsal), I got a call from one of my references later that night telling me they had called him. So I was hopeful. Next morning I literally woke up to one of the best phone calls ever, telling me that they wanted to hire me but it wouldn't be official until HR called later that day. I was jumping up and down. I called Jon and told him (even though it was 7:30am and he had only gone to sleep an hour before). Monday I started staff development, Tuesday I signed my contract, Wednesday was the first day of school. Talk about quick! But hey, after coming in part way through the semester last year, this was a blessing.

I'm crazy stressed out and don't feel super confident, but I keep reminding myself its early and things will (hopefully?) calm down soon.

It is bittersweet because part of this job was starting a color guard at the school. Right now that's all up in the air (long story), but I really have zero free time for things outside this school. I know I was able to coach and still work last year, but that was only a temporary job. I went into that school year knowing I would not be at Sierra Vista for more than the 2014-2015 school year. So it made sense to not sever ties completely. I don't like uncertainty and if I have one constant, I'm going to hold on to it. I knew that I was going to need something after SV, in case I didn't get a job right away, and Cal was my safety net.

Once I told Nordquist about Edgewood he was so excited for me and was totally understanding that I would be missing band camp. I went to Cal's preview show that Friday at the end of my first week, and they had done so much without me. Stephanie had things (mostly) under control. I ended up going to their rehearsal last Monday since Stephanie couldn't be there. and at the end of the night I asked Doug what kind of commitment was he expecting from me? None. He basically set me free. I have a loyalty to Cal, I always will, and I think he knew that it would never be easy for me to just leave without knowing it was going to be ok. I still plan on going to a show or two. And I definitely want to say goodbye to the kids (I refuse to let myself do to them what Jen did, because I saw how much that hurt them and I don't want to do that), but my time as a color guard coach at California High School had come to an end.

BUT! Exciting things are on the horizon! New job means more moneys! Which means finally moving out of this place! I love my parents, they know I do, but I want to leave the nest. I want to have a place of my own. And really it would be me and Jon. It's still crazy that my parents aren't completely freaking out that we want to move in together, but I think they know this isn't just a fleeting relationship. Plus he's 30 and I'm 28, we can make our own decisions. I mean, it was gonna happen regardless of their blessing, but it's nice to know they're not going to disown me.

Right now we're looking at the San Dimas/Covina/Glendora area. I don't want to live in West Covina because it would be weird to be neighbors with a student. Plus for the time being he works in Ontario and goes to school in Corona. And it's not like we're moving right now (though trust me, I've thought about it). The goal is December. Because I'll have 2 weeks off to move things, and that give Jon time to look for something closer this way and finish a class. But he's still helping his parents out a lot, and if we live together he won't be able to do that (cuz as much as I've joked with him about it, I'm NOT a sugar mama). So while it's not exciting as the recent news that 2 of my favorite people just got engaged, but it's nice to have something to look forward to on the horizon for Jon and I. We basically live together on the weekends, but really living together will be a big step. And December will also be our 2 year anniversary, so perfect timing for a next step in my book.

7 (ish) more weeks left in the school year. That's really not that much time. I'm already freaking out about how I'm going to get through the rest of the curriculum in that amount of time. But that's not what I've come to write about. I'm here to talk about my on-going battles with horrible anxiety.

You would think that this far into the school year I wouldn't be having panic attacks on Sunday nights just at the thought of having to be in front of all those students. You would think. But alas, I still have major anxiety. I took some meds for a little while but the prescription ran out, and to be honest, it didn't really help all that much to warrant going back to see a doctor and get more. I now just take a little bit of Zquil to help me sleep when the anxiety is too bad (that's really all the xanax did anyway). 

I think my body has just become used to the anxiety. I'm not sure if I'm really even anxious any more, or if my body just expects to be anxious, so it gets that way. I would love to wake up on a Monday, and just be able to go to work without feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment, or feel like I can't breathe. I get up WAY TOO EARLY to teach, and my mom has graciously let me wake her up at that ungodly hour to talk about what's bothering me, and reassure me that I'm not going to screw up too much or do something incredibly wrong. It's really been a big help. For a while after I started, when I was still having MAJOR issues with classroom management and behavior (which aren't all that much better, but still better), I was waking my mom every morning. I felt terrible. Plus, you feel a little silly waking your mom up to talk with you before you go off to a job like being a teacher. How am I supposed to shape the youth of America when I still need my mom to tell me I'm going to be okay before heading out the door? It's actually embarrassing. But it did help.

This morning I really tried to buck up and push through. I got through the morning with no tears. And without having to wake my mom up to talk. But I still had that heavy feeling in my chest like I couldn't breathe. It sucked. At least this morning wasn't too much of me teaching, more students doing. Yet I some how managed to break my favorite coffee cup and spill coffee all over myself in front of the class. So that kind of broke the resolve I had. I didn't cry until their brunch break, when there were no students in my room. But I cried. I honestly wanted to fake being sick and leave. But I pushed through. It sucked, but I made it happen. 

It's the week before Spring Break. I'm burnt out and need a break big time, and the kids are no helping. They need a break too, and I feel like I'm pulling them kicking and screaming. I've had to become phone nazi. I've given 2 detentions already for using phones without permission. And I start every period with a friendly reminder but keeping them away. I don't want to be a prison warden, but that's what it feels like right now. 

The kids are also getting super lazy and entitled. The grading period ends on Thursday, and I have close to 30 (less but it's still up there) students failing between all of my classes. Most of them are in ONE class period. I've tried calling home, I've tried hovering... they just do not do anything. They'd rather sit there all period doing nothing, staring into space, than do their work and pass the class. I think I'll have to remind them that I'm teaching summer school, so unless they want to do this ALL OVER AGAIN with me, they need to start doing something now. I've given them 2 group projects so far this semester, both we went over the directions in detail and I reminded them of what they needed to do multiple times, and I had people turn NOTHING in! C'mon! Then... oh, this made me almost want to scream today. Then, some of the former A students who were mad they their grade dropped started saying that I should curve the projects since no one got a good grade, and they should still get an A even though they didn't do A work on their projects. I told them we could discuss the projects after class. But in my head I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The last project was a poster. They were given 3 days in class, and I had people literally DO NOTHING! And some of them are the ones saying that I should curve things. 

Oh yeah? I should curve it? I should give you credit for not following the directions, for wasting MY time? I stayed after school on days that aren't my normal tutoring hours to help kids, and only one or 2 showed up. I spend hours grading and even went back and gave more points to people because I felt generous. Do not ask me to curve an assignment that you chose to half ass. Even my A students didn't do A work. Just because you had an A before, does not mean you're guaranteed to keep that grade. You get the grade you earn, and if that makes me a bitch, oh well. I've been told that if the student or parents complains enough the principal might ask me to change the grade. Well, nope. I don't have a job there next year right now. I'm going to stand my ground because I'm kind of in a nothing to lose position. 

Anyway, rant over.

I was going to talk about Jon and girly stuff but I've kind of used all my energy for the time being, so I'm gonna sign off.

While watching the news with my mom today, I saw a story about a local teacher committing suicide in their classroom and being found by students.

This wasn't a teacher I knew, nor a school I went to/taught at. But this really hit home to me.

I've had depression before. I struggle with pretty bad anxiety right now. (I was crying almost all night and all morning because I was worrying about work. In fact, students could tell something was wrong and at least one student in every class period commented that I looked sad, or sick, or tired.) But it's really hard for me to think about ever doing something like so drastic as killing myself in my own classroom.

All I could think was, those poor students! They will forever live with that image in their minds. That's terrible. Then as I looked up more information on the story, I found that the woman wasn't much older than me, and she was married. How could someone so young, with so much life left... with a husband, just throw that all away. It's hard to imagine someone doing that. But that's what's so hard about mental illness, it's not always easy to see inside the head of the person or understand how they feel the way they feel.

I'm not much of the praying type, but I want to say a little prayer for her students, coworkers, and family. It's hard to lose someone and I can't imagine the pain these people are going through. Not to blame the victim in this scenario, but it's selfish to do this to people who love and care about you. I know that as much as I'm overwhelmed and anxious lately, I could never do something like that to all the people I know who care about me. I could never hurt my parents that way, my friends. I could never do that to Jon.

So this kind of helped put some of my anxiety into perspective. As tough as things are, as much as I feel like I'm drowning in work, I know it could be worse.

Thank you to my Ex-Boyfriends

Last night, while trying to fall asleep and reminiscing more than usual, I thought of something. Now, I don't pray or anything all that often, but I actually decided to say a prayer last night after thinking of this idea. Here's what I can remember.

Dear God,

Thank you for my ex-boyfriends. Thank you for bringing Chris, Kyle, Billy, Noah, Chris, Adam, Kevin, Zach, and Noah (again, pretty much) into my life. If it weren't for these boys, and yes they were all boys, I would have never realized what I wanted in a man. If it weren't for all of them, I'm not sure I would have Jon in my life now. It seems strange to be thankful for all the heartache, cried tears, anger and frustration, but I am. I am so thankful for all of it.

I made mistakes with all of them. I'm not calling the relationships themselves mistakes, but the things I did or what I thought I should or shouldn't do in those relationships were some of the mistakes. And they weren't all my mistakes, either. That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me to remember. They were all learning experiences. I learned how to tone down my clinginess, how to be more selfless and sometimes more selfish. I learned that I can't control how someone else feels, no matter what I do. I worked out a lot of the kinks. I know I'm still working somethings out, but I at least know what I'm ready and willing to do in a relationship, and what's a definite deal breaker.

In each of those boys I saw part of a greater picture. It was like I finished a big part of a puzzle, but I still had a million pieces left. None of them were everything I wanted. To be honest, I'm not sure any one person can truly live up to every expectation that someone has when they create the "perfect partner" in their mind. But my exes were nowhere near what I wanted and, in some cases, nowhere near what I deserved. I've been fortunate that most of these boys are generally good people. Like me, they were just immature when we dated. We still had a lot to learn about life, love, etc. We had a lot to learn about ourselves. I was totally that girl who would change what she liked to get a boy to like me. I look back and hate myself a little, but I was naive. I didn't realize that being myself would get me someone who truly loves me for me. That I didn't need to be like girls in magazines, or even like other girls in my classes (or usually other girls in drum corps) for a guy to fall in love with me. I love make-up and wearing dresses just as much as I love video games and dinosaurs. And that's okay. It took all of these boys to help me realize that.

If it weren't for all the fumbles, all the over analyzing, fights, long talks with friends... I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't know the things I know about relationships. I'm still figuring out so much, and I know that I will be my whole life. Might be the teacher in me talking, but you're never done learning. But all of the experiences I had helped make me who I am, and have helped me be part of a wonderful relationship with Jon. I could not be more thankful for him. While nothing is set in stone, and who knows what could happen tomorrow, I feel like I've really met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And he feels that way about me.

So, thank you for my exes. They helped me see who I am, what I could be, and what I don't want to be. They were all practice for now.

Amen.

Almost-versary

Lately I've been very busy trying to be a good teacher. I also got in a minor car accident. As much as I'm stressed because of all the things, only 1 thing is on my mind right now: about 10 days until mine and Jon's anniversary.

We couldn't decide on an exact "date" for our anniversary See, he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. After 3-4 dates I asked when I could start calling him my boyfriend, and he told me he'd already told his mom I was his girlfriend. So we just were haha. I technically remember this date, because like a typical girl, I put it on facebook. You know, how you're supposed to do with major life updates. How else are people supposed to know? You mean actually talk to someone?! That's crazy.

But I digress. We decided to count our first "official" date as our anniversary. December 14, 2013. It's coming up so fast. I still can't believe that this year has gone by so quickly, let alone that we're still so head over heels for each other. I've said this a bunch, but I've honestly found my soul mate. I'm dating my best friend. Insert other cheesy cliches.

Yes, I know that realistically a year is not that long, but I still think it's crazy that I haven't scared him off yet. Somehow, despite all of my faults, all of my anxieties (lately especially), all of my weird quirks... this man still loves me and wants to be in my life and me in his. (I'd also like to point out that both of our respective parents have been married for 30+ years and dated about a year before getting engaged... just saying...)

Today is a good example. I've been really struggling with classroom management. It's always been what I've struggled with. It's kept me from getting teaching jobs in the past, and I've known that I need to work on it. I asked the administration for help, and the response was basically I've waited too long to be strict (it's been a month and a half since I started) and the students think they can walk all over me. It really sucked to hear, but it was a reality check. Now, the admins are still happy to help me out and have been supportive. So have the other teachers, giving me tips and telling my what's worked for them. So today I decided I needed to follow through with giving a referral (basically, a suspension), stop giving so many warnings and empty threats. I need to show I'm not a push over. I was totally nervous, and woke up this morning almost in tears from the anxiety. I text Jon when I was about to leave the house because I was just so anxious. Usually he's asleep when I'm getting up because of the whole getting home from work at 3am business, so I didn't expect a response. Instead I get him calling me. We talked on the phone my whole way to work and for a few minutes while I was getting things ready for the day in my classroom. He said a bunch of encouraging things and kind of rambled a bit (he may have been sleepy & tipsy... he had a few beers after work haha). It totally made my day, and gave me the motivation I needed to do what I needed to (btw, sent a kid to the office, changed my problem class's seats and only face minor complaining. Success... just need to keep it up)

For the last few weeks Jon and I have been talking about whenever I get a more permanent job (like, hopefully my district hires me back for next year), I will be able to move out... and he could kind of, you know, be there all the time. It's been our cute way of talking about moving in together. He wants to make sure he can still help his parents and afford to support himself. Totally responsible. But the more and more we talk about this stuff, the more I really can't wait for it to happen. Thanksgiving allowed me to spend a lot more time with him. We split the time between his house and mine, and I got to spend Thursday - Monday (well, until I needed to leave for work) with him. It was the best. Getting to have him kiss me and tell me to have a good day before work was one of the best feelings ever. I want that every day. Monday was also when I got the reality check from my Asst. Principal, so I was having a shitty day. What does Jon do? Well, since he was still in the area (getting his car serviced), he decided to stop by my school during my prep period to give me some pastries from  a bakery I like. And even though I had a lot of work to do and I was being really emotional, he was happy to just sit and let me vent for a few minutes before I had to dash back to my room to work.

This boy gets me. He is the most encouraging person in the world to me. Yes, I have lots of support from my friends and family. And I am so thankful and lucky for that. But, there's just something about when he says it... I know that he means it, that he really does believe in me and it helps me to believe it too.

The other night during a meltdown worthy panic attack I asked him if my anxiety was scaring him off. I was feeling extra insecure. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and I said he had too much patience with me.

More and more often these are the types of conversations we're having. I've already written that we've kind of had "the talk." But the more and more that we have these conversations... when he talks about us moving in together as if it'll happen any day now... when he goes above and beyond what most guys would do... I know that I've found the person I want to spend my life with.

Now, it's late and I have to be up in a few hours to say hi to my wonderful boyfriend when he gets off work.. shortly before needing to go to work myself... So I leave you with this John Legend song that I am in love with at the moment.

Going to the chapel...

No, I'm not engaged. I know that my title is a little misleading. But after this weekend, I almost feel like I am.

This weekend I went to Jon's cousin's wedding. This was actually my first time meeting a lot of these family members, so I was a little stressed out all weekend. Before heading to the wedding, there was an emergency vet visit for Jon's dog Frankie (I've never seen Jon so worried). He had a seizure while sitting on his dad's lap. Then, Jon was in the wedding so I actually had to spend a good chunk of the wedding without him. I talked a lot with his mom. Once the reception happened, it was kind of all fun from there. I was at a table with Jon, his brother and the other Samantha (yeah, his brother is dating a girl named Samantha too), and his 2 cousin's who are almost like sisters, and the one cousin's boyfriend.

I told myself at the beginning of the weekend I wasn't going to be shy and just sit there all night. I was really bad at the first 2 weddings we went to together (since we've been to so many together now haha). So I really made an effort to be as outgoing as I could be. I willingly went on the dance floor I tried to talk to people and be myself as much as possible. I had so much fun.

When it got toward the end of the evening, it came time for the bouquet toss. Now, I wanted to make sure that it didn't look like I was really trying, but I was totally really trying. I kind of reluctantly got up to go out on the floor only after one of his cousin's got up. When I stood there, I kind of made sure I was in the middle of the floor. I looked to where the bride was, and tried to figure where she'd throw it. The girls from our table were all on the left of me, a little off to the side. Now, in all honesty, one of Jon's cousin's will most likely be the next one to get married. She's been dating her boyfriend for a few years now and they just bought a house together. But, for this fleeting moment, I wanted to be the one to catch that bouquet. Luckily for me, the girls I stood behind were shorter than me (I love wearing heels sometimes haha), and all I had to do was reach up. I'm pretty sure I had a look of sheer shock on my face once I caught it. I mean, Jon and I haven't even been dating a year yet (one more month until the anniversary), and on top of it this was my first time meeting a lot of these people. So I was kind of like "did that just happen?!" Jon's family wanted to give me a bunch of hugs. His mom said, "I'm sorry, but I just have to hug you right now." Then, of course, they start egging him on, saying how he's gotta catch the guarder now. He didn't, but more on that in a little bit.

It was a great evening, and I couldn't have had a better time. That night I just got to cuddle with him and I was completely content. I've made it no secret here that I want to marry Jon one day. Not necessarily right now (though I'm the most impatient person in the world and would absolutely love that), but one day. I've kind of had a sort of ish conversation about this stuff before with Jon, but it wasn't really the most informative conversation. I couldn't even say anything really. I've been wanting to have an actual conversation about this kind of stuff with him, and after the whole bouquet thing, I felt like may this was my ice breaker. After some panic attacks because I hate having to leave on Sunday nights and I get super stressed out because of work, I somehow found the courage to tell him that I was really trying hard to catch that bouquet. He said, "who says I wasn't trying to catch that guarder?" Not that I was trying to imply that he wasn't trying, but he was just making a point to show that he was trying too. I ended up giving him my phone, because I was still too nervous to actually say the questions I wanted to ask, and I showed him a conversation I had actually just had with Summer earlier in the week. I had told her how much I wanted to bring it up with him but I wasn't sure how to bring up the "m" word. I let him read that whole conversation, and when he finished he asked what I meant by the "m" word. I began blushing and getting flustered, of course. He told me that just because he plays dumb doesn't mean he is dumb. He's kind of known I've wanted to talk to him about it, seeing how fast I change what's on my phone when I've been pinteresting wedding type stuff. He said he was waiting for me to have the guts to say something. And that I'm a smart girl who should have a lot more confidence in myself. I'm never going to be 100% sure of anything, and I need to take a chance every once in a while. And I already know that I shouldn't be afraid to say anything to him if he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Jon let me know that Summer was right when she said that he wants to wait until he's done with school and stuff, but he loves me and sees us together for a very long time. I told him that I don't expect anything right now, I just want to have the security of knowing that I'm not going to have my heart broken 1 or 2 or 5 years from now. I want to know that it's in the realm of possibilities, something that he wants too. And yes, he does. Of course, I'm going to stress and panic about everything always because that's just who I am, and he knows that (he made sure to remind me that I let him know that from the beginning and he's understanding) but it made me feel so much better and so much more at ease all day just because I know that he wants the same things that I want. I think I've been certain for at least the last 4 months that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which is completely terrifying to me haha. Not that I'm terrified, but just that I'm so certain and so sure after such a short time. I'm not 100% sure that he's as certain or sure as I am, but that's ok. Like I said, I'm not expecting a ring any time soon. I mean, I'd like to be married before I'm 30, but I know it's not going to happen before he's 30 (since that's just about 7 months away haha). I love him, and he loves me. And right now that's all I can ever hope for. And I know that he's not going anywhere, which is definitely a bonus.

Of course the whole ride home from his house last night I was having girly fantasies about everything under the sun. In my head I already have picked out who my bridesmaids would be, what kind of ring I'd want.... (I may have taken him to Macys earlier in the day to do some "christmas shopping" and I may have lingered around the jewelry display for some really beautiful sapphire rings, because I'm weird and for some reason I have it in my head that I don't know if I'd necessarily want a big fancy diamond. Sapphires are a pretty dark blue, and a round sapphire with a little halo of diamonds on a white gold setting.... I mean, not that I've been looking or anything... haha... and I'm not saying I wouldn't be opposed to a diamond either. He'll pick out the perfect ring when the time comes).

But, since as it's taken me a few hours to write this (because I am exhausted and easily distracted) I'm going to call it a night.

It's been a while...

I have a million other things I should probably be doing right now, but I feel like I need to do something that isn't school related for a little while.

I got the job that I talked about interviewing for in the last post. It's been a great and completely overwhelming experience. I found out about a week after the interview. Not even a week, actually. I got the call while I was coaching color guard. My guard kids all ran over and gave me a hug because I was so happy I was on the verge of tears. I told the band director and he gave me a big hug, he knows how long I've been working for this.

I feel like I have so much to talk about but not even remotely enough time. It took forever to actually get in my classroom. Lots of paper work and bureaucracy. I got to meet my classes a few times before starting. It was good and bad because I got to see what I was in for. I'm teaching 1 period of US history, 4 periods of World history... one of which is all English Learners. I have to have a translator in the classroom with me just so students can kind of have an idea of what is going on.

I started the job on October 15th. It was the PSAT, so I actually only got to see one class. The next day was the Great Shake Out, so disaster drill during my largest, most chaotic class.

I've been through so many things so far. I've had LOTS of help from other teachers. I've made at least one friend and my department seems great so far. I "officially" started BTSA yesterday. I have so much I should be doing for that right now.

Apparently I just like having too much going on in my life. I'm still coaching color guard, for now. I want to keep being involved in some way, but I'm not really sure how long I can keep it up the way I've been doing. I was saying not too long ago that this may be my last year. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, like something I wanted. But now that the decision is kind of becoming final without me having too much say, I'm really wishing I could keep doing it. I love color guard. I've been doing it in some way for 13 years. Most of that time has been teaching it. I really hate the idea of leaving those students half way through the year. I was actually looking forward to winter guard, now I know that I really won't be able to be there for it. I've already started kind of talking my exit strategy with Nordquist. In my head, it makes sense to have Lynsey come back and replace me. If nothing else, just until the end of the school year. I love Stephanie, and I'm sure she'll be fine with the kids without me. But I know that Crystal can't really be there all the time and I trust Lynsey so much. I said I could be a "consultant," coming in whenever I can, going to a few shows. But the reality is, I have SO much I need to do at my "big girl" job. I need to focus my time and energy on teaching.

That being said, I still want to have a life too. I actually had another Social Studies teacher pop her head in my room after school today (I rarely leave before 3:30 when school ends at 3) and say, "Go home! Remember, you have a life outside of here. They don't put murphy beds in the classrooms!" And she's right. I've been working for probably 3ish hours since being home on planning lessons. I have a bunch of paper work and journals I need to write for my BTSA Support Provider by next thursday. I have a million teacher things to do. But I have friend things, and girlfriend things too. Friday I have to drive all the way to Claremont for Jon's cousin's rehearsal dinner, then I'm going with him to the wedding on Saturday. I'm just going to be meeting pretty much all the family I haven't met yet, no pressure or anything. I want to make sure when I'm with him on weekends, I'm spending that time with him and not working on things. I only get to see him those few days, I don't want to spend that precious time typing on my computer when I can be joking or talking or cuddling with him. I'm also been talking with Summer about how serious I am about Jon, and how I'm thinking about talking to him about it. He's just as much a priority as teaching. We're talking trips, he was talking about futures the other day where we apparently own 5 dogs... This is just as important to me as anything else. He has been my little cheerleader. I've been having BAD anxiety attacks. Mostly at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hard, they suck. Students are cranky, I'm still getting my feet on the ground. Usually I run into more behavior problems at the beginning of the week. It's been rough. Jon has dealt with SO many crazy texts that prove I should probably get checked out for something. I am constantly crying and a wreck, or telling him how much I love and appreciate him and how much he supports me. I feel like I'm being a crappy girlfriend and not supporting him as much as I should. I'm trying but it's hard to juggle everything. But he's been my rock. I've been able to cry to him about everything and he gives me a new perspective on things.

It feels like my future is coming true but not entirely. Like this job, only a one year position. I get to be a real teacher for one year, then who knows what'll happen. They said they'll do their best to keep me but it doesn't look like enrollment will call for another teacher. Jon, well, things are pretty darn made up in my mind. I can see myself growing old with him. I want to be there with him for everything. I would love to get some confirmation from him that he wants that too. I would love a ring, but I don't even need that just yet. I just want peace of mind knowing that he wants something like that in the future. I told Summer, I'm channeling all of my anxieties about work into other anxieties to make things more bearable.

Alright. I now wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis and I'm exhausted. Until next time!

Motivational Poster

Have you ever seen a motivational poster? Some random landscape with an inspiration quote... or the cat hanging from a branch with "Hang in there" written above him. That's the one that Jon referred to when he called himself my motivational poster. Because of going on so many failed interviews, and having to overcome some other obstacles I'll get into later, I'm usually not the most optimistic when I have another interview.

So this past Friday I had an interview. The fact that I'm still getting called for interviews almost 2 months into the school year is weird to me, but I'm not going to turn them down. Anyway, I got a call about this interview last Monday... my computer died the Friday before that. Now, why does that matter you might ask? Well, this interview required writing a lesson on a particular standard, using a specific format, and including a bunch of other adaptations. So not having a working computer made this whole process a little tough.

To get the computer stuff out of the way really quick, my hard drive crapped out on me. I took it somewhere to get backed up before I took it to Apple (because they don't do data recovery and they were basically just gonna give me a new hard drive). They weren't able to get everything, and it took 3 days even though I was quoted a few hours. I ran around So Cal trying to get my computer fixed in a timely manner and basically everyone told me I wouldn't have it fixed before the weekend... Cut to Thursday, I walk into the Apple store and just ask nicely if they could take a look without an appointment... I'm seen within 5 minutes and get my computer back that afternoon. Awesome customer service. Now back to the interview story.

On top of not having a computer, I just had a very busy week in general. Subbing, rehearsals, doctors appointments... I was out of the house more than I was home. It made getting the lesson prepared that much more stressful. I tried to write as much of the lesson, or at least an outline, while subbing. I used my mom's computer whenever she didn't need it. I was really thinking of telling the school that I just couldn't do the interview because I didn't think I could do the lesson in time.

This is where my "motivational poster" comes into play. In the past I've turned to my friends whenever I'm having doubts or not feeling confident. They're always supportive and well-meaning, but for some reason I get a little frustrated when bringing this kind of stuff up with them. Nothing on them, it's on me. They're usually honest and keep me grounded, but I'm stubborn and once I'm in a funk it's hard for me to get out of it. Since Jon and I have been dating, he's become my go-to with things like this. I'm not sure exactly why, but it's so much easier to tell him all me hopes, fears, anxieties and listen to his advice. Whenever I have ANY kind of anxiety, he's there to listen and tell me what I need to hear... whether it's what I want to hear or not. With interviews, he's been my little cheerleader. Even when I've felt terrible, he's there to keep my spirits up. Like when I interviewed in Lancaster, and cried because I just didn't want to have to go 2 hours away to find a job. He said he'd move out there with me, and told me how anywhere would be lucky to have me as a teacher and I shouldn't pass up even an interview opportunity because of a fear like that. Granted, I didn't get that job, that made me feel so much better going into that interview.

This time is a littler different. He knew about all the computer stuff and obstacles I had with this interview. When I felt like giving up he told me to think of him as my own cat poster, and that I should hang in there. I ended up having to cancel subbing on Thursday to have some extra time to write the lesson before the interview, and I tried to stay as focused a possible while doing it... and it may have paid off.

After the interview Friday I wasn't feeling great. Not terrible, either. I felt like I rambled, I didn't think I gave good answers. But when I left the school I was mostly just relieved to be over with the stress. Later that afternoon I got a call from Mr. Nordquist. I usually tell him about when I have an interview, because he's one of my other supporters and he's one of my references, but with the stress of the week I had completely forgotten to tell him about this one. He was calling to tell me that he had just gotten off the phone with Sierra Vista High School's assistant principal (where I just interviewed a few hours earlier). He said they were calling to check on my references...


... They usually only check references for the top 2 or 3 applicants.

At least that's what Summer said her district does, and what other people have told me about other districts. If they're calling my references, I may actually have a chance this time. I'm still not getting my hopes up; they told me I wouldn't know for about a week, week and a half. But that's gotta be something, right?

When I told Jon, he excitedly said how his motivational poster pep talks had worked. We went to Universal Studios on Saturday for Halloween Horror Nights, and the whole time Jon kept saying things like, "when you get the job..." He was talking about how this time next year he'd hopefully be transferred to a 4-year school, with a better job, and I'd be teaching full time. I want that so much it's not even funny.

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write these blogs. I used to write about how depressed I was and how I didn't think I would ever find real love. Now all I write about is my boyfriend and how loved he makes me feel. I'm mostly writing this for myself, to remind myself of how truly lucky and blessed I am to have Jon in my life. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Little things that he does put a smile on my face all the time. He's so sweet and caring. He does so many things for me. He's always there for me. He's not perfect, and God knows I'm not either, but I really think we're perfect for each other. I feel like I can never do enough to thank him or repay him for all that he's done for me. I try as hard as I can to let him know how much I love and appreciate him. I know I've said before how I'm pretty damn certain he's the one, and I almost feel crazy for saying that before we've even been dating a year. But at the same time, how can I not say it? I have never felt so happy or loved, everything just feels right when I'm with him. I can see a future with him and it makes me smile. He's everything I could ever ask for and more. And I don't feel completely crazy because he sees a future too. He's said he sees us being together a long time, he talks about things down the road... so as much as nothing is ever completely certain, I don't feel as panicked thinking about what could be, because I know the possibility is very, very real.

I want my personal motivational poster to be there for all the things to come. Since the possibility of this job looks better than any other so far, I've started panicking that I'm not ready for it. Stressing out about what will happen if/when I get it. Jon has been there to tell me how I'm ready and I will do a great job. I love him so much. And I don't know if I would have the confidence in myself to get even this far without him.

Doctor's Note

As a coach, I deal with a lot of doctor's notes. I get them from students all the time for different ailments and injuries. Latest was a girl who sprained her ankle during class, and the doctor wants her off of it for 6 weeks... she's already walking without a limp, so that is probably one note we won't follow completely. And I have had my fair share of doctor's notes in the past. I am notorious for getting injured easily, and the asthma was a big issue a lot during my performing days.

While I haven't had the need for a doctor's note in a long time, I think that I may actually need one.

Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what I assumed was a UTI (TMI, sorry), and while they were getting my vitals, they noticed how high my blood pressure was. They waited a few minutes, jokingly asking if I was nervous (I never like going to the doctor's), and took it again. Slightly lower, but still well above where it should be. So the doctor saw me for what I came in for, but also started talking to me about hypertension. I guess the last few times I've been to the doctors my blood pressure was elevated, but just borderline. This time it was 142/88. I guess anything over 140/90 is bad. And being that I'm only 27, it's not the greatest thing. The doctor talked to me about a few things and gave me a print out of some suggestions to help bring it down. Most of it talked about cutting sodium, limiting alcohol & caffeine, and more exercise. I have gained more weight than I care to admit, so this is a little bit of an incentive to be more proactive about losing it. Sodium limiting is much harder than I expected since there's so much of it in pretty much EVERYTHING. I really only drink a few beers on the weekend, so I'm thinking I'm probably ok there. I don't really drink during the week since 1) beer is expensive and 2) I thought limiting it to a few on the weekends would help reduce the beer belly I'm beginning to develop. I cut soda a while ago, but I do need to drink less coffee or switch to decaf.

Now, I keep trying to make myself feel somewhat better by reminding myself that I did drink a big pumpkin spice latte right before going to the doctors (for which I kinda hate myself), so that probably contributed to the high numbers. But one of the things that the doctor didn't really mention, but I think could be a factor is stress. I have a lot more stress right now than I feel like I've had in a long time. I've been trying my hardest to get a job and not found one yet, though having had 10 interviews this summer is somewhat encouraging. Money is super tight, and while my parents were able to help me out over the summer, they're not really able to help me out anymore, and I still barely make my bills. The biggest stressor is color guard. The students this year are the most challenging I've had to deal with. I'm not saying anything against the kids themselves, but they're retention is so bad. I have to reteach so much and they are barely able to even do their basics correctly. I love them to death, other than 1 bad apple, they have great attitudes and energy. It's just so frustrating not being able to progress as much as I would like, or as much as we need to. I have found myself actually losing my temper with the students. I try not to yell, I always hated that about my predecessor, but I've yelled several times already this year. While learning drill, I've had to walk away from the guard on the field and let the marching techs take over because I was so frustrated I knew I would just be yelling if I stayed there another minute. I'm feeling anxious because the band's money is the tightest it's ever been and the kids aren't turning in money for uniforms or fundraisers. They is my only consistent pay check and it may be nonexistent soon. It's so hard.

The only thing that really keeps me positive is knowing that at the end of the week I get to see my Jon. He's my biggest cheerleader when it comes to job stuff, always talking about "when" I get the job, not "if." He let's me vent and tells me not to apologize when I feel bad about venting. He really does make me feel so special and never really stresses me out (except for a few occasions when he was late to something, but that's me with most people haha).

I felt terrible over the weekend because I snapped at him for the first time. We didn't have a fight or anything, but I hit my funny bone (never actually funny) while trying to get into my purse and when he was sweetly trying to help, I snapped, "let me do it!" About 2 seconds later I was apologizing profusely and starting to cry because I felt so bad. Of course he said it was fine and that he knew I didn't mean anything bad. But still, the stress is starting to get to me.

Now, back to needing a doctor's note...

I've been musing lately that maybe it's time I be done coaching. I'm still really torn on the issue because color guard has been such an important part of my life for the last 13/14 years. And this is my 9th year coaching at the same school. That's crazy. I know very few people my age who've had the same job for 9 years. I feel like part of the reason I've done it as long as I have is because I thought it would get my foot in the door for a real teaching job at the school, and now that it seems that's probably not going to happen, I'm feeling apathetic. It's tough coaching and subbing at a school that won't give you a chance.

So I was thinking, maybe this hypertension thing is my ticket out? I don't know. Right now color guard is the biggest stress factor I have, other than money. I really would rather not quit, but at the same time it may be what I need. I've become burnt out, and the stress is actually kind of killing me. Maybe it's a sign that it's time. Now, of course I'm not blaming color guard on my high blood pressure. I just think it's a major factor. I'm also 25lbs heavier than I want to me, and probably eat way too much salt. So if I'm going to make changes in those areas of my life, maybe this is one I should change too... I just don't know. The last 2 weeks have been particularly stressful and I'm actually procrastinating before going to bed because I know just how stressful tomorrow will be (subbing then first football game, oh and getting some alterations to costumes that came out way wrong...).

So yeah. Should I have the doctor write me a note on this one? I just don't know...

Rearranging

A large portion of my day was spent slightly rearranging and cleaning my room. I've actually been wanting to do this for a while, but what motivated me to do it now? Well, that is a bit of a story.

Last week I had an interview in Fontana, just a few minutes drive from Jon. So after the interview, I met up with my sleep deprived boyfriend for lunch. We hardly ever see each other during the week because of our schedules, but it was nice to see each other for a little lunch date in the during the week. While at lunch, Jon says that he has a surprise for me, but I have to promise that I won't be mad. I begin to be skeptical at this point because why would I be mad about a surprise? After promising, several times, that I would not be mad about the surprise, he explains that he is buying me a new TV.

So romantic, right? He then explains WHY he wants to get me this TV. On top of being a massive deal (40" Panasonic for $250, I guess that's hard to find), he says that it is for "selfish" reasons. I have a 22" TV in my room right now. I don't think it's THAT tiny, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks that. So he says that whenever he comes over, he can't see what we're watching. He NEEDS this TV for my room so that he can see when he's over. Then he says that whenever I get a teaching job and move out, it will make a great TV for my living room... and whenever he's able to move in with me (once he can afford to help his parents and move out) it can be the bedroom TV again and we'll NEED to upgrade to a 50" 3D TV in the living room.

Now, while he's telling me all of this, I'm just sitting there staring at him from across the table. I was laying my head in my hands, covering my mouth with my hands, trying as hard as I could to conceal how big my smile was getting with each thing he said. I'm not sure if I've said this before in my blogs or not, but Jon and I have talked about the future briefly. We haven't talked too much about it, but he said he does see us together for a very long time, and I know in my heart he is the man I want to (will) marry one day. So hearing him talk about a future where we live together just made me so excited. Maybe it's just a stereotype, but guys are supposedly afraid of commitment. Having him talk in such definitive, positive terms about a future together just made me so excited for what's to come.

About a month ago, my friend Summer chastised me for not giving Jon a "drawer". For my birthday, Jon forgot to pack enough clothes for the weekend, so we actually had to go shopping for him while he was here. Summer said that when her and Johnnie were dating, she gave him a drawer in her dresser, where he kept some back ups and she even bought some stuff for him just in case. I told Jon about this, and of course he laughed about. He even joked I could have his whole dresser because he doesn't really use it.

Fast forward to today. This TV that Jon bought me is being delivered tomorrow, and in preparation I have been trying to clean up my room. While I was cleaning I decided to rearrange some things. This was mostly furniture, but I also tried to straighten up my dresser and night stands. While doing this, I realized that I have a bunch of crap in one of my night stands that I never really use. It's mostly old cards and drum corps patches I never put on my jacket. So I packed that stuff up, put it in the closet, and decided that will be Jon's drawer. He doesn't have a ton of stuff here right now, but he does have a few things he forgot at my place: socks, cards against humanity, and a t-shirt he gave me to cuddle with  when I miss him (awwwww). I also decided to keep my scrapbook in there. I don't have a real scrapbook, but I found an unused photo album in the closet, and I have been keeping things from all my dates and trips with Jon in there. Like, I have the ticket from when we went to see The Hobbit on our first date. The map of Universal Studies from earlier that day. Tickets from various places we've been together. Little things that I'm too sentimental to part with. And on top of all of that, the night stand in question is on the side of the bed that Jon usually sleeps on, so it just works.

I'm super excited for this TV that already has a lot to live up to, and many expectations. Whether or not this TV will do all the things that Jon said will be seen in time. I can only hope that journey does happen, and hopefully soon. I'm an extremely impatient person (so much of this blog if evidence of that.) and I feel like waiting for this TV to get here is symbolic of me waiting for other things. I've been obsessively watching the UPS tracking to see when it will get here. I know it will get here eventually, but waiting is the hardest part. If that isn't a symbol for my life and waiting for what the future will bring, I don't know what is.

I'm noticing a trend where I only write when I'm feeling somewhat anxious or down. I'm partly just down right now because it's the end of Monday, the last one I will get to spend with Jon for a while. I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm not feeling great about. Really, nothing is new. If anything, other than job/money stuff, I have no room to complain. Things are great.

But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.

Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.

But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.

The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.

And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?

This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.

I haven't written anything in a while, so I thought why not? I don't really have much to say, I'm kind of just bored and trying to distract myself. I always get a little mopey right after Jon leaves, and he just left. I feel like I've been getting spoiled because throughout the summer we've actually been able to spend most Mondays together. I'm not subbing or coaching, he has Mondays off anyway, so it works. I always love getting to see him more and he does too. And I love days like today when I thought he was going to be leaving so much earlier, and he stayed until 8pm.

I am still in awe everyday that I found him. I don't know how I could ever truly thank Summer for being so damn persistent that we date haha. I'm so head over heels for this boy. I feel like this summer has only made me love him more. Because we've spent more time together, we've definitely become a lot closer. Not to sound so rude and gross, but we've gotten to the "comfortable enough to fart in front of each other" stage haha. I can be completely honest and open about things, which is not really something I can say about past relationships.

Speaking of which, we were eating dinner with my dad, who had been drinking a bit, and my dad said "I hope you know she's had like 10 boyfriends before you." (which is not true, for the record) Apparently I was extremely red, and I did use that as my exit to go serve dessert to everyone haha. Jon and I have started talking a little bit about past relationships. Not in extreme detail, but enough. Like I kind of told him about asshat, and he told me how he dated a girl 7 or 8 years younger than him. Which I'm still a little shocked about, mostly because this had to have been in the last few years. I didn't realize how upset-ish/jealous it would make me to even hear little things about his exes, but it kind of does. I've always been a jealous person, and I don't even like thinking about him with someone else. I know that's silly, and I've been good about not dwelling on it. I'm not so upset to the point where I don't let him say things about his past and we both rarely ever say things about past relationships, so it's not even an issue.

I'm also not as bothered as I think I could be because I know he loves me. This is where I feel like a hypocrite because I don't like hearing about his past but I'm going to talk about mine. In my past experiences, I can't say that I always knew that I was loved. To be honest I'm still a little afraid to let myself believe Jon loves me. I've been hurt a lot. We've all been hurt by a past love, that's life, but I have a hard time letting things go. So even though I know in my heart that Jon loves me and that I have no reason to think otherwise, part of me still gets scared, like I'm just letting myself be naive. But this "fear" is little. I don't really feel that paranoid about it. Only sometimes when I'm already anxious or paranoid about something else and my mind just wants to make everything into something to fear.

But I feel like I'm getting off on a tangent. So boyfriend and I have been growing so much closer. He has been nothing but supportive and compassionate and loving through so much. This summer has been a lot of ups and downs. I've had several great job interviews that sadly did no end with a job. And he was there and supportive through all of that. He was even literally there for one of the interviews. He has kept me the most optimistic because he's my little cheer leader. Even when I didn't think I had a chance at something or that something had gone terribly wrong, he's told me how he believes in me and know I can do it. I had some health stuff happen, and he was about ready to call off work to take me to the doctor and take care of me. He is my weirdo, we do and say inappropriate things together all the time. I am just so in love.

Like I said, just thought I'd write some stuff. I have more I could talk about but it's getting late and I need to take care of some other things, so I guess this is all for now.

Final days

This is my final week of being 26 years old.

It's kind of crazy to think that I only have 3 more years in my 20s (to which my boyfriend has reminded me that he only has 10 more months of being in his 20s haha.) I don't feel that much older. It's weird how we don't really perceive age as it's happening. In a lot of ways I still feel like I'm in my teens. Or even my early 20s. But, alas, that's not how time works. In about a week (well, technically a little less than a week) I will be another year older. Closer to 30, closer to death... I'm not saying that in a morbid sense, just being honest.

I know that I've already done something like this at New Years, but I kind of wanted to reflect on this year. My year. The entirety of age 26 for me. I feel like this has been a year of great growth.

While I would say that 26 started out as crap, it turned out to be one of the best years of my life so far. I can say that with complete honesty. I'm not going to lie, a HUGE part of it is Jon, but he's not the only good thing about this year.

To start the year, I had a shitty summer. Right around my birthday I found out the (at the time) devastating news that I did not get a job teaching at the school where I have been a substitute teacher and coach for years. It was a tough blow. Then add on some other rough patches between friends and me struggling to accept not getting that job, things were pretty low. I don't think I would say that was the lowest point of my entire life, far from it, but definitely a low point for 26.

BUT despite this, some great things happened this year. Shortly after a lot of the shitty things that happened, something amazing happened. I went to a summer party at Summer's house. Summer had been telling me for years at this point that she thought that I should date her husband's friend Jon. She had originally wanted us to meet at her wedding the year before, but her friend Rachel kind of took his attention before I had a chance to (this is what Summer tells me, Jon has never mentioned it, nor have I asked.) So, at this particular party, I decided to get out of my little bubble of self-doubt and grief to actually be a little social. I talked with Jon. About a bunch of different things. I know we talked about Skyrim, because I wanted to play up the gamer girl aspect because I thought it'd make me cool. This wasn't the first time we'd met. That was at least a year or 2 prior. He remembers that night in a lot of detail (expect for the exact date haha). But at this party, we talked for a good while. He turned out to be an interesting man. Yes, man. Because at this point I had never actually dated one, they'd all been boys. At the end of that night, I left while it was quiet and I could sneak out unnoticed, because I didn't want to have to say good bye. I told Summer she could give him my number if he wanted it. I didn't expect to actually get a response from him, but it was invigorating to do something like that. Granted I didn't have the guts to give it to him myself, but I still went out on a limb for the first time in a while... then I got a speeding ticket going home haha. But he did text me the next day :)

I've blogged a ton about Jon, so I'm not going to write every little detail right now. Like I said, he's a big reason this year has been great, but he's not the only reason.

Another thing that happened, that was probably more important than talking to Jon, or at least was helped by or was part of me having the courage to talk to him, was finally figuring out that I'm worth it. I know that sounds silly, but I don't think I really knew that completely. I hate bringing up asshat, but he's part of this. I let him basically use me for years. I know that I am partly to blame because I knew that he had no intention of ever getting back with me and I let myself start to fall for him again, but through the nature of the relationship we had, I eventually felt like I wasn't worth having real love. I felt like I wasn't worth having someone care about only me, who wanted to spend time with me and who genuinely loved me.

Some of the best and worst relationship advice I've ever heard is you must learn to love yourself before you can be loved by someone else. I know that I spent a lot more than just age 26 or even 25 learning to love myself, but I think that I've actually made progress. I know that I'm a good person, I like who I am. I didn't always like who I was before, especially around asshat. I know I'm not perfect, but I have so much more confidence in every aspect of my life now than I ever did before. I'm still super shy, but I have come out of my shell so much more. I can tell who is worth having in my life and who is not. I still dwell on things (if this blog isn't evidence enough haha), but I feel like I don't waste as much energy on people who don't deserve it. I felt like it was a huge accomplishment when I finally blocked asshat's number. I blocked him on all social media. I deleted him from my phone. I know now that he is one of those people who is not worth my time and energy. I have experienced self love, and love from friends and family, and love from someone who genuinely cares about me and wants to be with me. Those are the people worth spending my time on. I am worth spending time on. And I feel like that was a big lesson of this year.

I grew leaps and bounds as a coach. I had so little confidence in my abilities after Jen left. But thanks in part to the support of a great assistant coach and friends, I was able to help the team grow, to show that they could be great performers. I felt like I had something to prove the whole year. Like I had to prove to Jen that the team wouldn't die without her. But I think, in the end, the only person I needed to prove that to was myself. And I did. I'm still nervous as hell for this coming year, with so many new members, new staff, and new challenges, but I know I can make it all work.

I'm starting to make myself emotional, so I think I may cool it on the reflection for now. Basically, 26 has been a rollercoaster. But to quote Augustus Waters, "I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up." (With some slight drops every now and then).

Now that I've someone managed to make myself cry, I'm going call it a night. 

Tonight I'm anxious and I can't figure out why.


I was feeling anxious yesterday and then found out that the closest chance I had for a job was all for not. I wasn't feeling anxious about that per se, it just happened that I got the news about the job falling through after feeling super anxious most of the evening.

Sometimes I think I really am crazy. I had a great weekend with Jon, as usual. We had sushi, went out to have drinks with one of his oldest friends, went to Summer and Johnnie's for dinner and swimming... he always makes me feel so special and loved. I told him that I was feeling anxious. I was worrying that I was being clingy or that he was going to get bored of me. He said he's not sick or tired of me, and he said he's not going to get bored of me. I feel silly for even thinking that he would, but can you blame me? I have trust issues. Every possible sign points to him actually being genuine and caring about me. We have fun together, we have inside jokes, we can have intelligent, meaningful conversation... I don't know why I'm so nervous and insecure. I'm so worried about losing him even though he is clearly not going anywhere.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just tired right now because it's almost 1am and I've been watching Orange is the New Black all night and for some reason it's making me miss Jon.

Soap Box-a-palooza!

I'm feeling very silly and childish at the moment. This is bothering me even though it really effects me in no way. But I feel I must defend a book I love... so here we go haha.

This is a semi-response post to my friend's blog.

Annie, if you end up reading this, which I sort of doubt, please don't hate The Fault in Our Stars because the trailers gave away so much of the movie and there wasn't enough character development.

Ok, so I'm a big believer that books are generally better than movies... I cannot think of one book turned movie where I've liked the movie better. Even my very favorite movie, Jurassic Park, can't hold a candle to the novel Crichton wrote. There's so much more you can do with the written word than can be smashed into a 90-minute blockbuster. Theater of the mind.

Now, did I think the TFiOS movie was perfect? No. There were parts that I missed from the book. I felt they made Hazel a little too clingy at the beginning (the whole montage of her checking her phone... totally doesn't happen that way in the book! Made her feel too "typical teenaged girl" to me). I missed her friend Katelyn, because she made it seem like Hazel did have some other social interaction in the world. I felt that they should've kept in Gus's ex girlfriend who died of an "asshole tumor," to reiterate that there's nothing heroic about dying with cancer. You didn't get to see enough of the relationship between Issac and Hazel (Though, I thought Nat Wolf was fantastic as Issac and I'm excited to see him be Q in the Paper Towns movie). I could kind of go on and on.

Did I dislike the movie? No. As far as movie adaptations go, I felt it was pretty damn faithful. Maybe this is just because I was a little disappointed with the Divergent movie compared to the book, but most of the major plot points were there in TFiOS. It was semi predictable, I guess, but I read the book long before hearing anything about the movie, and it didn't seem predictable to me at all when I read it the first time. The reveal of Gus dying was so much more impactful. Plus, movie trailers are usually edited by different people than those who edit the movie. They're trying to sell the movie, make you want to see it.... and they almost always give away everything anymore. So I can see how someone who didn't read the book can get the gist of it from a 2-minute trailer. Plus it's been on the NY Times bestsellers list for like 2 years now, most people who haven't read the book knew what was going to happen before seeing the movie. I really enjoyed Shaileen Woodly, she was how I pictured Hazel in my head in most ways. I was a tad disappointed with how they portrayed Augustus... he was too full of himself. He's that way in the book too, but I felt it was amped up a bit in the movie. (Fun Fact, Green was talking in an interview about how he's mostly called Augustus in the beginning, when he's like an Emporer longing to be remembered, then he's mostly referred to as Gus toward the end to kind of cut him down a bit... totally didn't realize this until the 3rd reading... even though he says the line, "You used to call me Augustus" while at the gas station...)

Then there's the sub-plot of finding out what happens after An Imperial Affliction. They don't talk about that book enough in the movie. It's all a metaphor for how Hazel worries about what will happen after she dies... will her parents be ok? What will happen to her friends? She needs Van Houten to answer questions about what happened to the people in Anna's life so that she can feel more at ease about her own future... They did kind of show this in the movie but I liked how it developed better in the book. Oh, and there was not nearly enough video games in the movie haha.

I've been on my soap box long enough, I guess (and it's after 1:30 in the morning now, so I should maybe sleep). Longish story short, which since we've talked you're already starting to see, the book is so much better than the movie. John Green has become one of my favorite authors. And even though I should probably feel silly saying that since he writes YA novels, I don't care. I still like YA novels better than most adult fiction. You can't fit everything in a movie. We don't have long enough attention spans for that. Unless you're Peter Jackson and you want to turn the Hobbit into 3 movies even though it's not that long of a book... I mean seriously, all of the LOTR books are longer and only got 1 movie each...

Also, Looking For Alaska is still probably my favorite John Green novel. And I'm actually very glad that they haven't turned that into a movie. I want that one to remain how it is in my head. Probably because it made me so much more emotional.

Save the Date

Today is one of those days that solidifies how head over heels I am for my boyfriend. I don't want to give too many details away because it's suddenly super late and I'm sleepy.

So while we were sitting at dinner tonight, Jon started talking about how he's going to be saving a few hundred a month on gas with his new car. He then says that he wants to save some of that money so that the 2 of us can go on some trips. Apparently we're going to San Fran for Valentine's because a friend of his is getting married on the 13th. He wants us to go to Hawaii and NYC. I was pretty much just smiling during this whole conversation. I don't want him to pay for these types of things completely, but the fact that he wants to do these things, that he's planning on these things, makes me so happy.

All weekend felt like a very "adult" weekend. I went car shopping with him, we had a BBQ with friends. We had a little day adventure to LA to watch a TV show, then hung around the Grove for a few hours. It really was nice. We also had a lot of time to cuddle and just spend time together. Just before he left he was talking about how he wished one of us had our own place so that he didn't need to leave and we wouldn't have to worry about who is up or home. I loved it. I love him. Basically I just wanted to write a quick blog because this is the closest we've come to talking about the future and I loved it.

"Slowly, and then all at once"

I decided to reread The Fault in Our Stars since the movie comes out next week. I forgot how much I love this book. And how emotional it makes me. For the last hour, as I've read the last half of the book, I have basically been sobbing. If you know the story, then you know what happens. And while this is the third time I've read the book, it still makes me sob. While I've been fortunate enough to never had a serious illness or lose anyone very close to me to one, I still find so many things to relate to. Things that I'm scared to admit still bother me or that I worry about. I dare say that Looking For Alaska hits a little closer to home, in a more literal sense of what happens in the plot. But TFiOS brings up old memories.

And this is where I'm going to put a big spoiler, so just stop reading if you don't wanna see it.

When Hazel gets the phone call about Gus, it takes me back to that sunny November morning when I got the phone call about Zach. When I read about how hurt Hazel is and how upset she is, I feel like I'm reliving that morning over again.


The book also makes think of happy things too. I can relate to their love. But this book... as it says, "pain demands to be felt." And feel it I do. As I've been laying here basically sobbing over a book and fictional characters, I've wanted nothing more than to call Jon and tell him just how much I love him. It's a reminder of just how short life is and how fragile we are. To paraphrase Augustus Waters says, I am not in the business of denying myself pleasures, and I am in love with him. (The him being Jon, but who isn't in love with Augustus Waters, am I right?)

So, there really was no point to this post. I just needed to get out some pent up emotion, and I've actually cried so much that my throat hurts and my eyes are swollen, so this was a better outlet.

Birthdays

It's Mother's Day! A time that we honor all the women who brought us into this world. These women gave us birth to us, gave us life. On the day of our individual births, we celebrate being another year older. My mom always pointed out to me, half jokingly, that this seemed a little selfish. Mothers should get presents on the birthdays of their children! Each child's birthday should be that mom's Mother's Day. She pointed out that she was the one who spent 18+ hours in labor with me, she should get a present on my birthday. But alas, this is not that how we do things in our society.

While I love my mother and appreciate those 18+ hours of labor, 10 extra days that she carried me in the womb, and all the things she's ever done for me in my (almost) 27 years on this earth, I am like most people and look forward to my birthday each year.

Right now I am having a lot of interesting thoughts involving birthdays. This coming Thursday Jon turns 29. I am a little strapped for cash and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for him for his birthday, so I am giving him a picture of us with Darth Vader and making him a cake. We're also going to Las Vegas next month and I'm paying for the room. You see, Jon's birthday is 2 months, almost to the day, before mine. My birthday is July 14th, his is May 15th. Originally I wanted to take him on a trip to Las Vegas for his birthday. But with Mother's Day, weddings (we're going to one next weekend), and other things we have to go to, there was no time to take a trip until June. When I told him about this plan and how upset I was I couldn't plan it closer to his birthday, he came up with the brilliant idea of splitting the difference and celebrating both of our birthdays in June. I loved this idea.

Now, I'm terrible with secrets. I'm surprised I've kept it quiet this long about what I am giving him. But I'm worse when a secret is kept from me. I'm one of those people who seeks out spoilers for TV shows and movies, who will ask a million questions trying to get the truth out of a person. Friday I was texting Jon and he said he was out buying a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. Adorable. Then he says that he thinks he found a gift for me for my birthday. I told him that I really don't need a gift, he will probably pay for most things on our trip to Las Vegas, and I just don't need a gift. Plus it's 2 months away, he doesn't need to worry about it.

Fast forward to last night at dinner. My tipsy boyfriend (we'd just come from a friend's house) tells me that he bought me the gift, says that it has a deeper meaning, and I can't see it until my birthday. He also mentioned that he told our friend Summer what it is. I now have to wait 2 months for this mystery gift. I tried to ask Summer what the gift is, but she wouldn't tell me. She said I'd love it and that it's a "no pressure" gift along the lines of something we'd talked about yesterday. Before Jon told me that he actually bought the gift, I had told Summer that it was kind of cool that he had already found a gift he wanted to give me, and that I felt super selfish in hoping it was like a necklace or earrings or something. I haven't had a boyfriend for many birthdays, and I was feeling silly getting my hopes up about that kind of thing.

So, since Summer has at least hinted that may be something along those lines, I feel like I have actually gotten my hopes up. I also feel like now my gift for him is not good enough. I know that he'll love it just because it's from me. And I know that no matter what he gives me, I'll love it. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. Do I know if Summer is telling me the truth? No. I honestly have no clue what he's gotten me, and it's already killing me that I'll have to wait until July to know what it is. But at the same time, I actually want to be surprised. Since I have a habit of ruining surprises for myself, I want this one. I'm excited not to know, just as much as I'm anxious not knowing.

So, Jon has to wait until Saturday for his birthday present, I have to wait until July 14th. It's going to be a long 2 months...