Last night, while trying to fall asleep and reminiscing more than usual, I thought of something. Now, I don't pray or anything all that often, but I actually decided to say a prayer last night after thinking of this idea. Here's what I can remember.
Dear God,
Thank you for my ex-boyfriends. Thank you for bringing Chris, Kyle, Billy, Noah, Chris, Adam, Kevin, Zach, and Noah (again, pretty much) into my life. If it weren't for these boys, and yes they were all boys, I would have never realized what I wanted in a man. If it weren't for all of them, I'm not sure I would have Jon in my life now. It seems strange to be thankful for all the heartache, cried tears, anger and frustration, but I am. I am so thankful for all of it.
I made mistakes with all of them. I'm not calling the relationships themselves mistakes, but the things I did or what I thought I should or shouldn't do in those relationships were some of the mistakes. And they weren't all my mistakes, either. That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me to remember. They were all learning experiences. I learned how to tone down my clinginess, how to be more selfless and sometimes more selfish. I learned that I can't control how someone else feels, no matter what I do. I worked out a lot of the kinks. I know I'm still working somethings out, but I at least know what I'm ready and willing to do in a relationship, and what's a definite deal breaker.
In each of those boys I saw part of a greater picture. It was like I finished a big part of a puzzle, but I still had a million pieces left. None of them were everything I wanted. To be honest, I'm not sure any one person can truly live up to every expectation that someone has when they create the "perfect partner" in their mind. But my exes were nowhere near what I wanted and, in some cases, nowhere near what I deserved. I've been fortunate that most of these boys are generally good people. Like me, they were just immature when we dated. We still had a lot to learn about life, love, etc. We had a lot to learn about ourselves. I was totally that girl who would change what she liked to get a boy to like me. I look back and hate myself a little, but I was naive. I didn't realize that being myself would get me someone who truly loves me for me. That I didn't need to be like girls in magazines, or even like other girls in my classes (or usually other girls in drum corps) for a guy to fall in love with me. I love make-up and wearing dresses just as much as I love video games and dinosaurs. And that's okay. It took all of these boys to help me realize that.
If it weren't for all the fumbles, all the over analyzing, fights, long talks with friends... I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't know the things I know about relationships. I'm still figuring out so much, and I know that I will be my whole life. Might be the teacher in me talking, but you're never done learning. But all of the experiences I had helped make me who I am, and have helped me be part of a wonderful relationship with Jon. I could not be more thankful for him. While nothing is set in stone, and who knows what could happen tomorrow, I feel like I've really met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And he feels that way about me.
So, thank you for my exes. They helped me see who I am, what I could be, and what I don't want to be. They were all practice for now.
Amen.
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